The 113+ Best Nice Jokes

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calcula...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all ...

I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said "nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.

So I turned around and said: "Thank you I've been doing squats"

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw...

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

Nice Legs..

A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice ...

There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're sti...

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

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Everyone thinks I have a nice butt

When I walk by, I always hear people wisper under their breath, "what an ass!"

Same thing... right?

What do you call a rapper that smells nice?

Post Cologne

This is my first joke. Be nice!

A doctor says grimly to a patient, "You are a very sick man. You've been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time."

"Is there anything that can be done to help me?" asks the patient.

"Amazingly, there is," says the doctor. "First, we'...

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

A man and his wife retire after working at their respective jobs for 40+ years and settle on a nice ranch out in the country

The wife asks if she can adopt a cat since all of their kids have grown and moved on, so she was having some empty nest syndromes going on

The husband agrees and they adopt a cat from the local shelter

And this woman adored the cat, lavishing all kinds of love onto the animal

Un...

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

Today I got slapped for telling a girl her hair smelled nice.

I hate being a dwarf.

That's a nice ham you've got there...

... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

How do you get a nice, little old lady to yell "F#CK!!"?

Get another nice, little old lady to yell "BINGO!!"

a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married...

I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"

I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."

She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."

I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."

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All You Nice People Can Board the Train

This is the first "grown up joke" I remember an adult telling me as a kid:

A little boy was playing with his toy train on the floor. He pulled the train around the track and stopped at the little station.

"Coo Choo! All you bastards who want off the train, get off the train. All...

I was banging this nice lady...

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every
day.

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

During interviews he seems like such a nice guy, but the actor who plays Wolverine is a real phoney

It’s a huge act, man..

I met a nice guy online. He says he's from South Korea.

I think he might be my Seoulmate

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I asked this nice girl a question the other day.

She was pretty, young, blond, had big tits and gave me a pleasant smile. I asked her if six inches satisfies? She grimaced and pondered, shifting her weight from foot to foot as if balancing the question and finally replied "no not really".

So I ordered the seven inch pizza instead.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

A young Apache is sitting before a nice little fire, but he's visibly angry.

A friend of his comes by and asks what's the matter.

-Damn fire won't make any smoke and I have an urgent message to send!

The other replies :

-Hmm... you tried putting it out and lighting it again?

Switzerland is a great country, with amazing views and nice people

And their flag is also great, which is a huge plus.

Sugar... Spice... and Everything Nice

These were the ingredients God chose to create the perfect dry rub for a rib.

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My friend said to me "that's a nice ass shirt"

And I said

"Thanks. But they're called trousers not an ass shirt"

People generally aren't too nice

In fact, the average person is mean

When a short person says “nice hair” to you...

Quickly check your zipper

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How many "friendzoned" nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.

I like the way my friend Sam's mustache looks, so I figured I'd say something nice.

I don't understand why she's mad at me over a compliment.

11-year old Johnny had a teacher who was very pretty and nice...

And he had a developed a big crush on her. One day the teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you doing so poorly in you schoolwork lately?"

"Because I'm in love." Johnny said, dreamily.

"Who are you in love with?" Teacher asked while she tried hard to hold back a smile.

"It's you." Jo...

The nice thing about Alzheimer’s is…

You meet new people every day!

Husband: "Wife, maybe for father's day you could get me a nice shirt?"

Wife: "What about all the others you have?"

Husband: "They are all getting me different things"

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An elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid-80s, well-dressed, hair well-groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of an expensive after shave. He presents a very nice image.

Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.

He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"

Southern France is Nice

But Gibraltar totally rocks!

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To all the women who only date assholes, nice guys are better in bed.

They always finish last.

At a Halloween party, I met a guy and said, “Nice costume. Casanova?”

Him: Guy Fawkes.

Me: I wouldn’t have put it that way, but I guess you’re right.

I bought a really nice 12-year-old scotch.

Obviously, his parents weren’t pleased.

Gary Delaney

It doesn't matter how nice the soap smells..

Never let anyone see you walk out of the bathroom sniffing your fingers.

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Nice Smelling Hair!

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.
Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker do...

A kid went to his father and asked, "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl.”

Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on...

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I must have a nice butt

Anytime I walk away from someone they whisper "what an ass"

Woman are so confusing nowadays. I thought opening the door would be the nice thing to do for a lady,

but she just screamed and flew out the plane.

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I decided to cook my wife something nice for dinner tonight.

Just to show her how it's fucking done.

When people come over to my house they always tell me I have a nice ceiling

I don’t think it’s the best but it’s up there.

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-That's a nice ass shirt!

- Thank you! But actually it's called pants.

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A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo.

He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed.

He spent a long time sanding and coating it, because, well… splinters.

After several days of tedious work on this...

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

It's not nice to make fun of the obese...

...They have enough on their plate.

My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he's had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood. Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

I felt a chill go down as my wife noticed me eyeing a nice looking ginger

"I know what you're thinking and if that's what you want then go right ahead have it your way" she said

So I made us some herbal tea and that was the best freaking thing that I have had on a cold cold day

Stay warm guys

Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly

But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

A nice clean jewish joke

The young rabbi was an avid golfer. Even on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, he snuck out by himself for a quick nine holes.

On the last hole he teed off, and a gust of wind carried his ball directly over the hole and dropped it in for a hole in one.

An angel who witnessed this...

It’s nice to have someone in your corner,

but does mine have to be a hooded demon in a corner in my bedroom at 3 AM while I’m paralyzed?

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

Six topless women sounds nice,

dozen tit.

Rick Astley is such a nice guy

He'll let you borrow any of his Disney Pixar DVD collection! Except Up!

He's Never Gonna Give You Up

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community...

Always be nice

Long

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time of night," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer...

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Life is like a nice, hot, bath.

The longer you're in it, the more wrinkles you'll get.

Hearing that Jesus loves you is nice...

Unless you're in a Mexican prison.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Tom Hanks is so nice…

…every time he signs an autograph he writes T.HANKS

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you have a very nice house

A man goes to doctor complaining about migraines.

His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my dear wife oral sex. When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain. You should also try it."

...

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I was asked whether I prefer breasts or thighs.

I said "Well, both are nice, but I really like is a nice wet pussy". Apparently that was the wrong reply, as I'm now banned from KFC.

My friends are nice but kinda dumb.

I was just invited to a surprise party for myself.

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A black man finds a nice looking lamp at a garage sale.

He takes it home and when he wipes it down a genie pops out and grants him one wish. He thinks about it for a while and finally says, "I want to be white and surrounded by pussy". \*POOF\* The genie turns him into a tampon.

Arthur: "That's a nice round table. Who built that?"

Knight: "Sir Cumference"

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A nice christmas tree

A guy walks into a bar decorated for the Christmas holiday and orders a beer. "That's a beautiful Christmas tree you have over there. I hope you're not offended, but I've always found that Christmas trees are a lot like boobs," he tells the bartender. "When you see really nice ones you just have to ...

"Honey, you're not really nice to your son"

"Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"

Have a nice day :-D

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

Why should you be nice to cats and dogs?

So you are not the target of pet-y revenge.

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Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

Why do "nice guys" suck at Chess

They never protect the king, always the queen

Germans are so nice.

It's almost like they're trying to make up for something.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

i have a nice laptop at home.

one day I was outside playing some ball game with some girls when one of the girls asked me to come over. I said yes of course, **as usual**. We get there, take off our shoes, and she stripped naked and laid down on the bed. Then she told me to take what I want, so i took the laptop and went home.

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I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

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A nice visit to America as German guy

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by..
She saw my penis and shouted 'GROSS!'
I shouted back 'DANKE!'

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

Why do bots have nice asses?

Because of the back end developers.

A man walks into a bar wearing a nice shirt

The bartender tells him it's a nice shirt and asks where he got it.

"I got it from Joe Fresh," the man said. He grabbed a drink and went to sit down.

Another man comes in wearing some good looking pants. The bartender also amires those and asks where they came from.

"I got them ...

Arabic Joke: What do you call a bee that is really nice around you?

A Habi-bee

Barbie sure has a lot of nice things

For a woman who’s knees don’t bend

I was told, I would never be good at poetry, since I’m dyslexic…

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase… and they look very nice, if you ask me.

A man is working out with a blonde nearby

He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."

The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.

The b...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Why isn't it nice to socialise with vampires?

They're a pain in the neck.

Today is a Nice day.

6/9

Spartacus and his wife are enjoying a nice dinner with friends when

Out of nowhere a lion leaps onto the table and swallows his wife whole!

Horrified, his friends shout "Spartacus, your wife was just eaten by a lion! Why didn't you do something?"

Shocked Spartacus says "Do something? I was gladiator."

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

"HEY, NICE TIE!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the barten...

“You do one nice thing for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!”

A man is cutting his grass when he gets the sudden urge to be a helpful neighbor and cut theirs too.

His neighbor comes outside and says to him, “I could marry you for cutting my grass, thanks!”

The man walks away and mutters, “People are so unappreciative these days. You do one nice t...

Me: “Nice dog!”

Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”

Me: “Still in training, huh?”

Policeman: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Never mind”

i think the story of Noah's life was a bit boring

But it did have a nice arc

The people that work at my bank are so nice!

Every time they call, they say my loans are outstanding!

My friend had some really nice work gloves on the other day.

I ask him “what kind of gloves are those?”

He says “cow hide”

I said “What’s so scary about cows?

Nice an warm

If you build a man a fire, he'll be hot for an hour.
If you set a man on fire, he'll be hot for the rest of his life.

Nice Comeback

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from Getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat.." He raised an eyebrow and replied,
If you weren't so ugly ...

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