UPJOKE
touchlookfindpalpatesenseseemexperiencefingertactile propertythinkappearfeelingglowreasonsadden

Feels Jokes

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

What is something that feels british but isn’t?

The contents of the British Museum.

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars

The weirdest part is having to rebury them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says she feels like a dog...

I said "that makes sense, you've been a real bitch lately..."
Now I don't get to see my son.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a woman feels uncomfortable watching you masturbate, its either

1. She has intimacy issues
2. She is frigid
3. She should find another seat in the bus

How running a business in these days feels

The taxation office suspected a business owner wasn't paying proper wages to his employee and sent an auditor to investigate him.

Auditor: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Business Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $5,0...

“It feels nice to finally open up to someone”

Proctologist: “Please don’t make this weird”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

My wife said, "Did I ever tell you how great it feels when we make love?"

I said, "Gee, honey. No."

And she said, "Exactly. Now let's just go to sleep, OK?"

Running feels great

Until you compare it with not running

A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess

... so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a goo...

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Everyone always feels bad for the people who died in the San Francisco earthquake...

... but I think it was their own fault

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

Everything before 2010 feels fake.

Maybe because it’s all just pre-10’s.

My wife told me she feels like she is losing her hair

I told her I had noticed but hadn’t wanted to say anything..

She asked me where had I noticed it?

I told her that her mustache seemed thinner…

A woman has a failing marriage, and she feels bad about it.

Her husband won't listen to her or acknowledge her, or anything. All he does is sit on the couch watching football and waiting for meals. The woman decides to go to the pet store to find a pet.

At the store, she sees all sorts of animals, such as fish, dogs, cats, parrots, and even a horse. S...

When you turn 61, the next year feels like it’s only a minute long …

… because it’s your sixty-second year.

Almost everyone at the North Pole becomes extremely anxious whenever Santa feels depressed

That’s when he’s most likely to elf harm.

r/place feels like a game of battlefield 2042

I'm surrounded by bots because all the humans already left a while ago.

What does a spy do when he feels cold ?

He goes undercover.

Some days it just feels like I might have nothing better to do than talk to a hole in the ground.

Oh well.

Sometimes February feels like it will last forever...

But time Marches on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man feels lost is life and decides to ask a rabbi for advice

He calls up the rabbi and asks for his address

The rabbi sais:

I live on the last house on 47th Street.
Now, when you come here, you can buzz in the apartment number with your left elbow and open the door with your right elbow.
When you enter the building, you can call for an el...

What fruit always feels depressed?

A blue-berry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man doesn't feel well and wants to call-in sick to work...

So he phones his boss and explains that he wants to take a sick day.

"Well," says the boss, "when I'm feeling under the weather I just ask my wife to give me a blowjob. Usually perks me right up! Why don't you try that?"

"Ok, I guess it's worth a shot" says the man.

About an hou...

My mother with dwarfism feels she is underpaid at work...

Apparently shes unsatisfied making mini Mum wage.

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
...

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

Whats red and feels rock hard?

A brick
(Ba dum tsss)

It's another hot day, so I've opened all the windows and stripped off all my clothes .... it feels fantastic

The other people on the bus are complaining though

Want to know how someone with foot fungus feels?

Just step into their shoes.

When people ask how it feels not having kids...

I tell them I have no rugrats.

It feels like there is a new diet fad every other day

everyone is so concerned about trans fats but I think we should respect fat people and let them identify however they want

My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do what feels right and makes you happy,

is a very wrong thing to say to a depressed Nazi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why it feels so hard to break up with a japanese girl?

You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.