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Completely Jokes

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller.

Because she's dead.

I completely misunderstood Pride Month..

Does anyone want to buy 14 lions?

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didnt

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

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Scientists have identified a food that completely kills sex drive in women.

It's called "wedding cake."

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Starting today I will be completely avoiding German porn.

I just want to train myself to have a Hans-free orgasm.

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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

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I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"

I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

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A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the ur...

Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples

They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.

It's natural selection.

Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Pap...

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely

if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.

He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, “I’ve got your bandit just as you requested ‘dead and alive’.”

The mayor says, “not ‘dead AND alive’, ‘dead OR alive’. ”

The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, “I guess we shoul...

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective...

I'd say it's Doctor Whom.

^*Edit: ^As ^a ^few ^have ^astutely ^pointed ^out, ^the ^character's ^name ^is ^just ^"The ^Doctor"; ^I ^should ^have ^said ^"the ^greatest ^sci ^fi ^show ^is ^Doctor ^Who" ^instead ^of ^"greatest ^hero ^in ^sci ^fi". ^Thankfully ^the ^dumb ^joke ^still ^works ^in ^t...

You're not completely useless!

You can always serve as a bad example.

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My neighbor is pretty mad at his wife for sunbathing completely nude

Personally, I'm on the fence

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned

Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

What do you call a super hero completely made of ice?

Justice

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You know what is brave? Running against a wall completely naked with a boner.

You know what is embarrassing? Breaking your nose doing it.

To my favorite pond of water that completely evaporated last night:

You will be mist.

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

95% of people are completely STUPID

Luckily, I’m in the other 10%

Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...

If you do, you'll be 0K!

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A man in Vegas got completely shitfaced and woke up in bed with the ugliest old woman he’d ever seen.

Very quietly, he put $50 on the bureau and tiptoed to the door.

Suddenly he felt a tug on his leg. Another ugly old lady was lying there.

She smiled and said, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”

Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

Last night I had a dream where I experienced a completely new color.

It was a pigment of my imagination

What do you call a completely white bee?

An Albeeno

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I just got fired from my job as a mailman because my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent.

Shit. Meant to post this somewhere else.

what's the difference in definition of complete vs. finished

When you marry the right woman you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

And questions?

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I completely hate online porn

Every night I lay down in bed SHAKING MY FIST AT IT!!

They should completely decriminalize weed.

Those who disagree should get stoned.

What do you call an elephant that’s completely made out of ears?

The answer is entirely earelephant.

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..

It came completely out of the green

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

My thesaurus arrived in the mail today, and it was completely blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am!

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

A journalist was visiting a completely isolated tribe for a documentary...

As she was leaving, she asks her translator to tell their leader that she had a great time, but needed to go now.

the leader seems to be sad, and her translator explains what he said: "he doesn't want you to leave, he really likes your company."

she apologizes, but insists she has to l...

Did you know that Albert Einstein was completely made up?

He’s just a theoretical physicist.

My girlfriend got so kinky it caught me completely off guard

On several separate occasions she dressed as a teacher, a doctor, a police officer, and as a prison guard. But it didn't prepare me for what came yesterday.

Because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

A completely new joke about calculus.

Never mind, actually it's just derivative.

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

What's red and completely invisible?

No tomatoes.

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!

I interviewed people who played and %100 said that they all survived!

A shipwrecked mariner has spent several years on a deserted island, completely alone.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him: “The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still...

Smoking cigarettes isn't completely bad for you,

Just think, for every cigarette you smoke it takes 7 minutes off your student loans.

My New Year Resolution is to be completely serious next year

I'm not joking

Using Left hand instead gave me a completely different feeling...

..was able to finish my work faster. Try changing the settings of the mouse.

I did a test today and completely failed.

Looks like I’ll never be an IQ.

Guy walks into a bar completely naked...

except for a beat up old sneaker on one foot. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender “Hey man, can I get a beer?”

The bartender shakes his head in disbelief, pours him a beer, and hands it to him. The bartender says “Sir uh... I can’t help but notice... you seem to have lost a sh...

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits.

An American dropped into a pub in London for a drink and found it completely full of Brits. After a few minutes, he saw a table for two with one middle-aged gentleman sitting at it. He walked over to the table and asked if he could sit down. The Brit replied, "Certainly. Please do."

The Ameri...

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I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

We are proud to announce that r/Jokes is now completely environmentally friendly sub

It's wholly made of recycled materials.

Jokes about feminine hygiene are completely inappropriate…

Period

My crush is completely paranoid

She told me someone was stalking her yesterday when she was going home. I followed her all the way and didn't find any stalker.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

Wife gets home, completely breathless

Husband asks what's wrong. To which she says "I saved 3 euros because I missed the bus and ran after it till I got home." The husband somewhat confused says "you could've saved 40 euros if you ran after a taxi."

Have a good night everyone.

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

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I prefer masturbating only when I'm completely naked

Don't like that? Go to a different Starbucks!

A woman in her forties tells her doctor, “My husband has completely lost interest in me”.

He gives her a bottle of drops, and tells her: “Put three drops in his dinner, no more, no less”.

She then goes home and makes dumplings. Right before the time he usually gets home from work, she puts three drops in, but then remembers how apathetic he is, and goes for the whole bottle.
...

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

What's the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'. But I am here to set the record straight.

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete'. If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finishe...

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and struck the door, ripping it completely off the hinges.

When police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.


"Officer, look what they've done to my car!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, it's incredible!" retorted the officer, "You're so concerned about your stupid...

My psychiatrist said I wasn't completely normal...

But I asked some plants at home and they said it's not that bad

Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine...

The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing.

"God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says.

"Things come and things go", the ~~rabbit~~ rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our mis...

And now for something completely different

A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her "Open the vault!"

"But sir, this is a sperm bank..."

"Just do it!" The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundr...

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Ever have sex with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?

For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, sexy, bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.

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Scott was completely bald, and clean shaven.

He visited a naturopath seeking advice for curing his malady.

"Every day for three months rub the secretions of a woman's vagina on your head." Advised the naturopath.

Three month's later he returned.

"You dirty bastard!" exclaimed the naturopath when he saw Scott's luxurious mo...

The US flag on the moon lost its color and is now completely white

It's now the French flag.

The killer was found to be completely insane.

So insane, in fact, I was able to convince him that he was guilty of the murder.

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My gran asked me yesterday, completely out of the blue, how I liked to masturbate.

"Err, alone if you don't mind."

Ever walk into a room and completely forget why you were in there?

Yeah, that’s why I’m no longer a fireman.

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

A tree fell on my brother today, completely crushing his left side.

He’s all right.

A beautiful woman is sunbathing on the balcony of her apartment, completely naked

At some point, she sees a piece of paper tied to a string being lowered at her level from one of the other apartments upstairs.

She stands up, and grabs it. there are some words written on it.

"I'm the guy who lives at 32B. You are incredibly beautiful. I'm so excited right now. I want...

Research shows that facial tattoos completely eliminate certain forms of anxiety

For example, you'll never need to worry about finding a job

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Last night, my house was completely ransacked.

Now I’ve lost everything except my virginity.

I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines.

What can I say, I have issues.

My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.”

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

Bald Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...

You don't have toupee.

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

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