Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

Healthy eagles come from America.

Ill eagles come from Mexico.

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

Why is eating honey so healthy?

It contains a lot of vitamin Bee

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My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

Healthy Marriage reminds me of Cheap Electronics

Battery’s not included

Birthdays are healthy

It's been scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays, usually live longer

New research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy and as good for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

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One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed thi...

How can you tell if a Dogwood tree is healthy?

When it's all bark and no blight.



For some reason I woke up with this joke in my head and I don't remember ever seeing it before!

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands...

He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island lif...

What's the great thing about unvaccinated children?

The long healthy life

Don't get it?

Neither do the children

I finally understand why vegans are so healthy

Because every time they go out they have to walk twice as far to find a vegan friendly restaurant!

Why is Thanos so healthy?

His meal is perfectly balanced.

Someone asked me whether or not I believed Indian food is healthy.

I told them I'm a naan-believer.

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

*DOCTOR*: We got your test results back. You're healthy as a horse.

*Me*: Oh, that's great news. Thanks so much.
*Doctor*: Well, a horse that has cancer.

What do you call a healthy Hispanic man?

Manuel

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy.

I guess the Quito diet is working for them.

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

Why are tightrope walkers so healthy?

Because they always eat well-balanced meals

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?

Because they floss regularly.

How do you maintain a healthy ant colony?

Ensure ants

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

Which character in Game of thrones has a healthy digestive system

Bran

Why are anteaters so healthy?

They are full of anty-bodies.

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

The best part about working out and eating healthy food:

Eventually you'll be dead and won't have to do this anymore.

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A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes...

But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.

What separates having a healthy interest in the English language from an unhealthy obsession is...

addictionary.

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

They say six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine. But why? Seven did the healthy thing.

...eat three squared meals a day.

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Research reveals stronger people have healthier brains - A study of nearly half a million people has revealed that muscular strength, measured by handgrip, is an indication of how healthy our brains are.

My fucking night time activities have finally made me a genius!

What's the difference between a healthy vampire and a sick vampire? [OC]

One sleeps in a coffin,
The other coughs while sleepin'.

How did the nose know that the couple was in a healthy relationship?

It could smell their conscent

Where do sick boats go to get healthy?

To the dock!

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I told my friends that I only pooped twice last week and they said it wasn't healthy...

but I don't give a shit.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

I said to myself, "Thomas, today is the day you start eating healthy and exercising".

Thank God my name isn't Thomas!

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a healthy puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

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My Thai girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

What does a healthy dish and a good joke have in common?

Amy Schumer has never had any of them

A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy

Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this...

Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors...

So I ate skittles

Why are gluten-free children so healthy?

Because they're not inbred.

Do you know why ants are so healthy?

Because they have little antibodies...

My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.

In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again.

This marks the end of my cheat decade.

The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.

Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.

Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one...

Why is NTFS healthy?

Because it's FAT free.

Grandpa was a healthy 82 when he fell in a vat of lard.

After that, he went downhill really fast...

A healthy man has a thousand wishes and a sick person only one...

... to win the election

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s pain to the baby’s father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%.

However, as t...

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The key to a healthy sex life...

...also opens the back door.

How do Catholic church priests stay healthy?

They exorcise.

Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy?

Because they had good high jeans

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy.

I don't want her getting fat like my wife.

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3 Wishes

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." P...

It's good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50...

...she's 80 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

How do you make the letter "H" healthy?

You spin it.

It becomes spin-h.

juh-jen

Horse buying

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I hav...

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A woman hasn't had sex with her husband in years, so he takes her to the doctor

The doctor takes her into the exam room, but he determines that she's healthy and that there is nothing physically wrong with her. So he asks her what could be preventing her from having sex with her husband. She replies:

"Well, every morning, my husband gives me money for work, but it only c...

Living healthy is not important

Living healthy is not important

My grandfather was a big drinker, and drank at least half a bottle of vodka a day. He also smoked a pack a day. He died at the age of 90.

His brother never drank, never touched a sigarette, and didn't have a single day where he didn't live healthy. He d...

Early to rise, early to bed...

Makes a man healthy, but socially dead

A man and his pet greyhound walk into a bar

While he’s sipping on his drink he notices a man with his pet turtle. Now this turtle did not look healthy, it had a large crack down its shell and bandages all over it. So, asked the bartender,
“What’s up with that turtle”
the bartender answered,
“That’s the fastest turtle in the world...

Husband Wife and Audi A8

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her Height?

Husband: I never checked

Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Husband: Not Slim, can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of her eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Inspector...

Why was Jeffrey Dahmer so healthy?

Because he ate five fruits a day!

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