I’m a mother of 5 healthy children and they are all unvaccinated!

Edit: *4 children*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

New research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy and as good for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I’m sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Birthdays are healthy

It's been scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays, usually live longer

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

Someone asked me whether or not I believed Indian food is healthy.

I told them I'm a naan-believer.

*DOCTOR*: We got your test results back. You're healthy as a horse.

*Me*: Oh, that's great news. Thanks so much.
*Doctor*: Well, a horse that has cancer.

Why is Thanos so healthy?

His meal is perfectly balanced.

A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands...

He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island lif...

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What's the great thing about unvaccinated children?

The long healthy life

Don't get it?

Neither do the children

Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?

Because they floss regularly.

All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy.

I guess the Quito diet is working for them.

What do you call a healthy Hispanic man?

Manuel

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Which character in Game of thrones has a healthy digestive system

Bran

I finally understand why vegans are so healthy

Because every time they go out they have to walk twice as far to find a vegan friendly restaurant!

Why are anteaters so healthy?

They are full of anty-bodies.

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

The best part about working out and eating healthy food:

Eventually you'll be dead and won't have to do this anymore.

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes...

But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

What separates having a healthy interest in the English language from an unhealthy obsession is...

addictionary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Research reveals stronger people have healthier brains - A study of nearly half a million people has revealed that muscular strength, measured by handgrip, is an indication of how healthy our brains are.

My fucking night time activities have finally made me a genius!

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

They say six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine. But why? Seven did the healthy thing.

...eat three squared meals a day.

What's the difference between a healthy vampire and a sick vampire? [OC]

One sleeps in a coffin,
The other coughs while sleepin'.

How did the nose know that the couple was in a healthy relationship?

It could smell their conscent

Where do sick boats go to get healthy?

To the dock!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.
 

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my friends that I only pooped twice last week and they said it wasn't healthy...

but I don't give a shit.

What does a healthy dish and a good joke have in common?

Amy Schumer has never had any of them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mummy, how was I born?

10-years old girl asks her mum: "Mummy, how was i born?"

The mother smiles a replies: "Once upon a time, me and your daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to g...

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a healthy puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

I said to myself, "Thomas, today is the day you start eating healthy and exercising".

Thank God my name isn't Thomas!

I believe that marathons are bad. They are an excess; a perversion of healthy running. Running anything more than a few miles puts serious wear and tear on the joints without any benefit. Runners should be limited to no more than a 5k at the most, and marathons should be banned.

… and don't tell me that I'm just being racist.

Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors...

So I ate skittles

Why are gluten-free children so healthy?

Because they're not inbred.

Do you know why ants are so healthy?

Because they have little antibodies...

Why is NTFS healthy?

Because it's FAT free.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.

In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again.

This marks the end of my cheat decade.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy

Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The key to a healthy sex life...

...also opens the back door.

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy?

Because they had good high jeans

How do Catholic church priests stay healthy?

They exorcise.

I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy.

I don't want her getting fat like my wife.

Grandpa was a healthy 82 when he fell in a vat of lard.

After that, he went downhill really fast...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

How do you make the letter "H" healthy?

You spin it.

It becomes spin-h.

juh-jen

It's good to keep healthy. My gran started walking 10 miles a day when she was 50...

...she's 80 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

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A man takes his wife golfing

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

An anti-vax woman marries a rich chinese businessman

Later on, the woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy. However, shortly after the baby's 1st birthday, he died.
During the funeral, people noticed that the mother kept muttering to herself as she cried.

While lowering the casket, the mother kept shouting: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! OH, I SHOU...

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A woman, pregnant with triplets, takes a walk in a bad neighbourhood.

She is caught in the crossfire during a drive-by shooting. She's rushed to hospital and given a scan immediately. The sonographer gives her the results.

"It seems that you've been very lucky. A bullet has lodged in the intestines of each of your children, but all three appear healthy. We wil...

Why was Jeffrey Dahmer so healthy?

Because he ate five fruits a day!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How can we stop anticipating things?

I do it a lot and I don't think it's healthy.

Edit: Thank you for all the support, guys!

Edit 2: Holy moly This blew up!! Thanks for the gold, kind strangers!

A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc....

A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bu...

Baby head

A man and his wife have their first baby, and it’s a boy. However, the baby is just the head. Perfectly healthy, but only a head nonetheless.

The man raises his child as normally as possible, and when the child turns 21, he takes him to a bar to celebrate.

He orders a beer for himsel...

An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...

So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?

So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old

-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?

-No, it's because h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

This one is sure to rope you in

A rumor was circulating around work that a coworker had hung himself. We were all pretty taken aback by it as he was kind of the office clown, always cheerful and cracking jokes. He just didn't seem like the type. We were even more taken aback when he showed up to work the next day, healthy as can b...

The pain transformer

A pregnant couple arrived to the hospital after the woman started to feel contractions.

Seeing the woman's pain, the doctor offered a new treatment: A pain transformer which after applying it, the pain will pass (some percentage of it) to the father.

The father, who wanted best for his...