Healthy Jokes - 118 Hilarious Healthy Jokes

What would Cardi B be called if she decided to live a healthy lifestyle ?

Cardi O

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a healthy diet

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans....

My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

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It's a healthy relationship

My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.

"Really!" I exclaimed.

"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."

That'll teach her to try and be funny...

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health..

Still got thrown off the bus.

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A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

What's the difference between a healthy rabbit and a sick joke?

One is a fit bunny, the other is a bit funny.

My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy

but socially dead.

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I have a HEALTHY porn addiction.

By healthy..... I mean, it's my #1 source of exercise.

Why do all Fortnite players have healthy gums?

Because they floss regularly.

What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating?

Forbiden fruit

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Alright, screw it... here is my contribution to this sub. This is a joke from my HS days that, whomever I've shared it with, has had a healthy roar. Hope ya'll like it.

A man and his gf go into a bar. He walks over to grab a table and she heads straight for the bar. While she's waiting for their drinks, this absolutely hammered guy a few feet away leans over to her and goes: I just wanna tell you, you have an incredible rack on you.
She responds: Look pal, I'...

Whenever I try and eat healthy...

A chocolate bar looks at me and snickers.

Keto is healthy!

*Drinks bottle of Ranch Dressing*

Why are trees so healthy?

They always have light meals.

A trainer at SeaWorld was in charge of keeping the dolphins healthy.

He would feed them, give them medical attention, make sure they were in good spirits. But he knew that the dolphins eventually were going to die. Well, he couldn't have that. After researching for days to no avail, he found an article written by a disgraced marine biologist about how dolphins could ...

Healthy eagles come from America.

Ill eagles come from Mexico.

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After running some tests this morning, the doctor told me I had incredibly healthy sperm.

Probably because I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65....

Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is

What does gold eat to stay healthy?

Karats.

Why is Mario so healthy???

Because every night he eats a Peach...

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

Healthy German

What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?

Gluten Morgen

PS: First time posting an original.

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Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets?

It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

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Having sex on regular basis keeps your memory strong and healthy.

Happy New Year 2016 everyone.

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

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Why is Japan a healthy country?

Because the last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.

The owner of my local health food store asked me if I wanted to know the secret of a long and healthy life.

"Sure -- let me know!", I replied.

He said, "Eat two raw onions every day."

"How could that possibly be a secret?"

Why is NTFS healthy?

Because it's FAT free.

A Dairy Farmer got into the healthy Oat Milk business.

He *barley* made ends meet.

Formula one drivers stay healthy

Because they breakfast

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After years of research and experimentations, a Generic Engineering Biologist was able to make a perfectly healthy Hybrid between a Fish and Duck.

The only problem left to be solved now for him is:

Whether to name it a Dish or a Fuck?

What does a bad gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common?

A wet nose.

A fisherman’s wife gives birth to a healthy set of twins.

After some time, they notice that one boy always faces toward the ocean and the other always faces away. Even if the parents were to turn them, they would always reposition themselves. So the name the boys “Toward” and “Away” respectively. On the twins’ tenth birthday, the fisherman takes them on a ...

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My doctor told me my heart may not be healthy enough for sex.

But that didn't make him stop.

What do healthy cows eat for breakfast?

Mooesli

Birthdays make you healthy

There are studies that show that people with more birthdays live longer.

What's orange, healthy for you, and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

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A rabbit is running around the woods

When he encounters and elephant, who was just about to light a joint.

The rabbit yells: "No!! Are you seriously gonna throw your life away like that? Come run with me, that's way more healthy!!"

So the elephant starts running with the rabbit, they run through the woods until they enco...

It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy.

Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

A woman giving birth went into a coma for a few days

When she woke up, the doctor told her, “congratulations, you gave birth to healthy twins: a girl and a boy. Your ex-boyfriend visited and named them for you”

The woman replies, “no not him! What did he name the boy?”

Doctor: Mason

Woman: Oh that’s actually not a bad name. How ab...

why is jesus so healthy?

cause he does cross-fit

My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it's very healthy.

I said no, it WAS healthy but you ate it.

Why is eating honey so healthy?

It contains a lot of vitamin Bee

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Scientific research show fucking your dog is healthy

If anyone needs me, I'll be in my Lab.

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

Chicken soup is healthy for you.

As long as you’re not the chicken.

I finally understand why vegans are so healthy

Because every time they go out they have to walk twice as far to find a vegan friendly restaurant!

What a jamaican reccomends for a healthy diet

Everybaddi needs to eat a three fruits a day maan, an mi hav a way to learn while dem doin dat yaknow? Ya kyan always remember to eat dem fruits by remembering di presidents maan.

George Bush? Im be a banana man.

Barack Obama? Im apple.

<...

My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet.

But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

Why is Thanos so healthy?

His meal is perfectly balanced.

A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands...

He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island lif...

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Why don't healthy cannibals eat obese transsexuals?

Too much transfat

You know when things are getting bad when people only want their kids to live a long and healthy life they will enjoy...

And you have to wonder how their children are going to handle the pressure of those unrealistic expectations?

People like to criticize r/relationship_advice, but it can actually be a very useful indicator of how healthy your relationship is

If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re asking random Internet strangers for advice, it’s probably not going too well.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

They always told me to put 5 colors on my plate to stay healthy.

So how did I get diabetes on my M&M only diet?

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy.

That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

Vegetables are very healthy

Because they take their medicine and so should you.

Why are anteaters so healthy?

They are full of anty-bodies.

Hannibal Lecter lived a long and healthy life

Eating organic really has its perks

Healthy Marriage reminds me of Cheap Electronics

Battery’s not included

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The reasoning behind both Japan's aging population and healthy lifestyle

A long-running fear of another Fat Man and Little Boy

Doctor: You're as healthy as a horse

Patient: Well that sounds grea-

Doctor: A horse with cancer

Mooooooo

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very...

How can you tell if a Dogwood tree is healthy?

When it's all bark and no blight.

For some reason I woke up with this joke in my head and I don't remember ever seeing it before!

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

An Armenian takes his son hunting with him for the first time.

\- I don't understand, Daddy, - the son says. - How are you going to hunt? You have no gun with you, no traps, no net even...

\- Ah, son, you don't know what our Armenian jinx is like. There, look, a rabbit is sitting under that bush. Such a strong, healthy little rabbit, such shiny fur it ha...

If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding...

... then I have a Bridget to sell you.

A kid once asked his father during dinner, "Dad, is eating flies healthy for you?"

The dad, disgusted, quickly replied, "hush now son, we don't discuss things like that over dinner. Ask me later."

Afterwards, the dad approached his son and asked him, "now, remind me of what you wanted to ask again?"

The son replied, "oh don't worry about it now dad. There was a fly f...

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A woman pregnant with triplets had a hunting accident with a pumpgun

She was rushed to surgery, but 3 of the bugshot shards could not get removed without endangering the kids, so they remained in her.

Later she delivers 2 boys and a girl, all healthy and well. Time goes by and nobody even thinks about the accident anymore, when they all become teenagers.
...

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

How do you maintain a healthy ant colony?

Ensure ants

My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life.

I'm no longer going to that doctor.

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

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Brad was successful and mostly healthy, but he had one problem...

his eyes bulged out of their sockets.

It had started in his teens, and while it didn't cause him physical pain, he had to put up with constant teasing about looking like an insect. It didn't help his dating life either; most girls liked him as a person but found his appearance too strange to ...

Where do sick boats go to get healthy?

To the dock!

All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy.

I guess the Quito diet is working for them.

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until

You realize you're a healthy young man

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog.

So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Why are gluten-free children so healthy?

Because they're not inbred.

The best part about working out and eating healthy food:

Eventually you'll be dead and won't have to do this anymore.

How do Catholic church priests stay healthy?

They exorcise.

Living healthy is not important

Living healthy is not important

My grandfather was a big drinker, and drank at least half a bottle of vodka a day. He also smoked a pack a day. He died at the age of 90.

His brother never drank, never touched a sigarette, and didn't have a single day where he didn't live healthy. He d...

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

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The key to a healthy sex life...

...also opens the back door.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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My girlfriend says penis size shouldn't matter in a healthy and loving relationship.

I still wish she didn't have one.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

Do you know why ants are so healthy?

Because they have little antibodies...

A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy

Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this...

Which character in Game of thrones has a healthy digestive system

Bran

Someone asked me whether or not I believed Indian food is healthy.

I told them I'm a naan-believer.

DOCTOR: We got your test results back. You're healthy as a horse.

*Me*: Oh, that's great news. Thanks so much.
*Doctor*: Well, a horse that has cancer.

How do you make the letter "H" healthy?

You spin it.

It becomes spin-h.

juh-jen

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

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One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed thi...

What's the difference between a healthy vampire and a sick vampire? [OC]

One sleeps in a coffin,
The other coughs while sleepin'.

I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes...

But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

How did the nose know that the couple was in a healthy relationship?

It could smell their conscent

What do you call two diamonds in a healthy relationship?

Carbon dating

Why was Jeffrey Dahmer so healthy?

Because he ate five fruits a day!

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

What does a healthy dish and a good joke have in common?

Amy Schumer has never had any of them

Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy?

Because they had good high jeans

Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors...

So I ate skittles

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