UPJOKE
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What's Jokes

What's the capital of Zimbabwe?

>!$1.37 USD!<

What's the opposite of "Debbie Downer"?

Beth-amphetamine

What's the difference between grey and gray?

One is a color, and the other is a colour.

What's the perfect 'safe word'?

Meatloaf

(I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

kid: "Mum, what's an orgasm?"

Mum: "I dunno, ask your Dad...."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry

What's the difference between Republicans and Ukrainians?

Ukrainians defend their Capitol.

What's better than enchiladas?

n+1 chiladas.

(sharing this joke I came up with tonight while making enchiladas, because my family didn't find it funny).

Boy: What's a palindrome?

Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Putin and Hitler?

Hitler knew when to kill himself

What's one thing you shouldn't say at your boss's funeral?

Who's thinking outside the box now, Kyle?

what's the difference between a large pizza and an American?

The pizza can feed a family of 4

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What's your name, son?" The principal asked his student.

The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-David, sir." "Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked. The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out by Birth Certificate was an asshole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Disney+ and Pornhub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

What's the difference between Elon Musk and God?

God doesn't think he's Elon Musk.

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

What's E.T. short for?

Cause he's got little legs

What's the difference between Greta Thunberg and Andrew Tate

Greta was nominated for the Nobel Prize, and awarded Tate the No-balls prize.

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

What's the difference between a yogurt and The USA ?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture



Edit : didn't think i'd have to do this but here we go.

This is a Joke subreddit, this is a joke.

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

After 2 years the job still sucks

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

Boss: You're 4 hours late! What's the matter?

Employee: I fell from the 2nd floor this morning.

Boss: That's 20 feet tall! It shouldn't take you more than 5 seconds!

What's the only thing a vegan kills?

A conversation.

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant.

What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

What's the difference between a cop and a bullet?

When a bullet kills someone, you know it's been fired.

What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow?

Can't milk a cow for 21 years.

What's the difference between the US Capitol and Mordor?

One does not simply walk into Mordor

What's long, green and smells like bacon?

Kermit’s Fingers

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

What's the capital of Greece?

About 5 euros.

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm?

One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

What's the stormtrooper's favorite store?

The one next to Target.

What's DJ Khaleds favourite number?

11 because it has another 1.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

What's the difference between a G spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball

IDK what's so hard about cancer

I'm already on stage 4

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a mathematician's favourite kind of boob?

Quantitties

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What's the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?

One goes *ba dum tiss*, the other is da bum kiss.

What's the toughest part of being a vegan?

Apparently keeping it to yourself.

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig.

The F

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

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What's your favourite insult?

Mine is: If I wanted to hear from cunt, I'd make one queef.

Now you go

What's the difference between a Taliban training facility and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me, I just fly the drone

What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

What's the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon?

I can get through a Jimmy Fallon sketch without laughing.

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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

A feather vs the whole chicken.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

What's NNN?

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Never gonna run around and desert you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between England and Viagra?

Viagra can get you past a semi

What's the police's favorite gaming console?

WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U WII U

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a bird?

A bird can tweet.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guys.
Aluminum Man just foils their plans.

What's more Irish than potatoes?

No potatoes

What's the difference between everybody and bullets?

Everybody misses Harambe.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a joke and a dick?

You're not good at taking a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.
...

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

About 25 pounds.


How do you change that?


Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.


(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."



"Bummer, mate...!!!"



"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than waking up with a dick drawn on your face?

Someone telling you it was traced on.
[edits up: guys i gotta say something - HOLY SHIT MY PHONE EXPLODED FROM REPLIES]
[edits up again: have the credits
https://youtube.com/shorts/hSK1Vyoimps?feature=share this joke was too funny not to tell]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between model trains and titties?

Nothing, both are intended for children but it's the dads who are playing with them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most sensitive part of a man's body during masturbation?

His ears.

What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

One electron.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris?

Guys will spend 10 minutes looking for a golf ball.

What's the difference between communism and a pencil?

The pencil works on things other than paper.

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

What's a 6.9?

A great thing ruined by a period.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen

Snowballs

What's the difference between the Taliban and Texas?

The Taliban requires women to wear masks

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's boomers, millennials then GenZ so what's the next generation going to be?

Fucked.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist.

What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision?

I need to know the cutoff date.

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor X ask a girl, "so, what's your mutant power"?

Girl: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a celing fan off on the first try!"

Professor X: "oh really?"

Girl \[points up\]: " 2 pulls"

Professor X: \[stands up and pulls twice\] "not bad kid, but not a power".

Girl: "Im kidding, i can heal paraplegics"

Professor x:...

What's the difference between a circus and a brothel?

A circus is a cunning array of stunts....

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

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What's German for virgin?

Goodentite.

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

The Polar bear.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?

being shot

What's the worst thing about Austria?

I don't know, but the flag is a big minus.

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light Blue

What's worse than a cold toilet seat?

A warm one.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

What's a nuclear engineer's favourite meal?

Fission chips!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between sex and mental illness?

Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness

What's the difference between Ukraine and Russia?

Ukraine's president is a comedian.

Russia's president is a clown.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What's the difference between eating pussy and drinking Bud Light?

Pussy only tastes like piss for a few seconds.

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of is paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

What's Irish and stays outside all year long?

Paddy O'Furniture

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

Teacher asks Johnny, "What's Wrong?"

Johnny :- Our house is very small. Me, my mum and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny, are you asleep?'

I say No & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.

The fol...

"What's your biggest weakness?" asked the job interviewer.

"I don't know my own strengths," I replied.

"What's your biggest strength?"

"I contradict myself."

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

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What's the best time for sex?

8:54 because it's 6 to 9.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on..

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

What's suicide bombers' biggest fear?

Dying alone

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

what's a person with reddit premium called?

predditor

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

What's one thing the 5-second rule does not apply to?

Soup.

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

What's the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?

You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Pakistani school and a terrorist camp?

I don't fucking know I'm just a drone pilot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?"

McDonald said, "You're the C I E I O."

What's the Longest Word in English?

Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a pinto bean?

I never had a pinto bean on my face

What's 40+40+SQUIRREL!

80HD

My daughter made up that joke when she was 8.

what's the difference between Paul Walker and Betty White?

Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.

What's heavier? 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is the feathers. Not only do you have to carry 200 pounds of feathers, but you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What's the difference between a teabag and the German national team?

The teabag stays in the cup longer

What's white and doesn't work?

The reddit search bar.

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, \-WHAM!\- "FUCK!"

The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" \-WHAM!\-

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