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Happens Jokes

Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open?

Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

What happens if you you cross an angry cow with an angry sheep?

You get two animals that are in a *baaaad moooood.*

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens after you eat jackfruit?

Jack shit.

What happens when you take a joke too far?

The 45th President of the United States of America.

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

What happens when you mess up at ninja church?

The nun chucks you out

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

I've never been to a gynecologist's office, but I have some ideas about what happens there ...

It's all just speculation of course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

…and here’s our bedroom, where the magic happens…

…I say “I’m horny” and my wife disappears.

What happens if you boil your funny bone?

You make a laughing stock of yourself :)

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open.

He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

What happens when a clown retires?

I don't know, but it's safe to say whoever's gonna replace him has big shoes to fill.

What happens if a frog parks illegally?

It gets toad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

wanna know what happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

What happens when a pizzaman does an AMA on Reddit?

OP delivers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

Give a man a fish he eats for a day. What happens if you teach a man to duck?

He avoids walking into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when you slap Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You hit Rock Bottom

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

What happens if you commit a crime in Australia?

Oh please, they're a modern country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.

What happens when fruit dies?

It pear-ishes

What happens to people who make bad jokes?

They get pun-ished.

What happens when two insomniacs sleep together?

They sleep less

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit for it!

Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when the thermometer breaks during your rectal examination?

Mercury is in Uranus

What happens if you violate the ban on wordplay?

Pun-ishment.

What happens when you mix human DNA with goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

What happens if you drive a Subaru in reverse?

U R A Bus!

What happens when southern people can't talk anymore?

They go through withdrawl

What Happens If 3 Logicians Go to a Bar?

Three semanticians walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?". The first semantician says: " I don't know". The second semantician says: " I don't know". The third semantician says: "Yes!" And the bartender gave everyone drinks.

What happens to you if you smoke weed in Afghanistan?

You get stoned

What happens when there’s an earthquake in the Horn of Africa?

Shake Djibouti!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when an outhouse becomes a regular house?

Nobody gives a shit.

What happens when fog disperses in California?

UCLA

What happens if you cross Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip?

You die in a car accident in Paris.

What happens to you when you consume an "edible"?

You turn into a Weed Eater.

What happens when a frog’s car dies?

He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad...

What happens at a cannibal wedding?

They toast the bride and groom.

What happens to rainbows that break the law?

They go through the prism system

Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer?

Guess knot

What happens when a pig eats an edible?

It becomes a pot bellied pig.

What happens when someone slaps you at high frequency?

It hertz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens when you put your penis in the vacuum cleaner?

The Walmart security guard throws you out.

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what happens when an astronaut masturbates in space?

They defile gravity

Courtesy of my 7 year old - What happens if you don't eat a balanced diet?

You will tip over

What happens when two Ents meet an Ent-wife?

A tree-way

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

What happens when vajazzeling goes wrong?

You end up with gemorrhoids

what happens when the newspaper editor meets the cannibal chief?

He becomes editor-in-chief.

What happens when you play a country song in reverse?

The singer gets his dog, home and wife back.

I asked my coworker what happens when we die?

"They hire someone else," my coworker replied.

What happens if you castrate a corn cob?

It becomes a Eunuch-Corn

What happens when you grill the chicken for 2 hours?

It will tell us why it crossed the road.

I've got a joke about what happens if you shoot an archduke...

...but it's a bit over the top lads.

What happens if you take cat hormones?

You get fur balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Joke I heard today) What happens when you give a Lawyer Viagra?

They get taller.

What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor

What happens when you find a bomb at your local bazaar?

It becomes a flee market.

Nothing ever happens in New Zealand…

It hippens.

You can call a dog a “fur baby” and nothing happens,

but I call OND CHILD a “skin dog” and suddenly I’m the WORST taxidermist in the state.

What happens if you drop a nuclear weapon on a dyslexic person?

It's unclear.

what happens when an amputee tries to hit you?

no 'arm done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens if you multiply faeces by the complex conjugate of faeces?

Shit gets real.

What happens when you cross a chicken with a turbocharger?

Fast food.

What happens when the Queen is done visiting the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

What happens when you let dinosaurs drive?

You get tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What happens when you fart quietly?

da-bum-tss






(sorry)

It makes me sick when people forget to add an apostrophe. I swear if it happens again...

I'll be ill

What happens when a magician gets mad?

He pulls his hare out!

What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?

Error in connecting to the server

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when a necrophile enters a cemetery?

It becomes a sementery

I'm so sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

What happens when you kiss a bird?

You get chirpies

It's a canarial disease

There's no tweetment

What happens when a witch breaks the sound barrier?

You hear a sonic broom.

What happens to illiterate witches in school?

They get expelled!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what happens when you assume, right?

U get in between me ass.

What happens to printers that perform miracles?

They get Canonized.

What happens when a lamppost breaks?

Sorry, repost

What happens to lawyers after they die?

They lie still.

What happens when you put a zebra in a lion cage?

You get fired from the zoo

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

What happens when the CIA goes to sleep?

They go undercover.

What happens when you buy Nacho Cheese?

It becomes Cho Cheese

You know what happens to those who ignore the past?

They usually fail their history exam.

What happens when you cross Santa Claus with five shots of tequila?

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.

What happens when an escalator stops moving?

Everyone stops and stairs.

what happens to people who dies in a bomb blast

They rest in pieces

What happens when a soldier gets high?

He's fighting a war on drugs.

What happens when you eat too much Middle Eastern food?

You feelafel

I've just found out what happens when you pull on the red cord in the disabled toilet.

It makes someone smash the door in and call you a "time-wasting prick."

What happens when 50 Cent eats his food?

58.

Fifty ate.


Okay I’ll just see myself out.. sorry.

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