Me: My biggest weakness? Hmm..Let me think...I guess some people say I’m delusional.

Cab driver: I didn’t say anything.

Hmm...skepticism...

Do you have any sources for that?

"Hmm," I said to the fishmonger, examining the selection. "I've got the munchies, I will eat any of these."

"Smoked trout?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "Just a little bit of weed."

Two whales are sitting at the bar. One goes to the other: “ooooooOOOOOOOooo hmm hmm hmm. Ooo ooo ooo. Hmmmnmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnng Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmmm. OoooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooo. HmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. MnnnnnnOoooOooooo”

His buddy says “Go home, Kevin. You’re drunk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

A man walks up to a woman at a bar and breaks the ice with:

"Would you sleep with me for one billion dollars?"

She ponders for a moment and answers: "Hmm, yeah, I would."

"Would you sleep with me for $5?"

"What do you think I am, a prostitute?"

"I thought we alread...

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A couple decide to set up a prostitution scheme to earn some extra cash...

The husband and wife agree that they need more money so the husband becomes the hustler and his wife decides to be the hooker.

One day they’re ready to start the scheme and are sat in the car. The husband says “right, you go off round the corner and wait for a customer and I’ll stay here as b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man had a 16 inch Dick.

Poor guy. He couldn't get any gals.


He went to a doctor, who was looking at the miracle unbelievably.


"I..I.." the doctor stuttered, " Medical science cannot cure this."
Poor guy.

"But..." the doctor says, "there is a wizard in the deep Lock Nock Lake. Go to him and ...

Doctor Am I pregnant?

A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant

Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant...

Girl: Am I?

Doc: No it just looks like you are

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Man and wife were making up a password for their new laptop

Man: "Hmm... I think it should be MYPENIS."

Wife types that in and stats laughing.

Man: "Why are you laughing?"

Wife turns the screen to him.

Man reads: "ERROR! NOT LONG ENOUGH"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy parks up next to a prostitute...

...he lowers the window and asks “How much for a blowjob?”

The prostitute says “Blowjob? Thirty bucks.”

The guy checks his wallet. “Hmm...Twenty okay?”

She rolls her eyes “Yeah, I guess”

“Great!” The guy says, “Here’s six hundred bucks.”

A monkey walks into a bar and ask the bartender for bananas...

“DO YOU HAVE BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey.
“No... we don’t...?” answer the bartender, confused.
“DO YOU BANANAS?!?!” ask the monkey once again
“No. We don’t. I told you that”
“DOOO YOOOU HAVE BANANAAAS ?!?!?!” ask the monkey again.
Upset, the bartender answer “NO. WE. DO. NOT. HAVE. BA...

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

What did the detective say after finding a calculator?

"Hmm... Now everything is starting to add up..."

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Little Jack (6 years old) goes with his parents to the nudist beach.

He is playing with sand and creates castles or swims in the water. After 30 minutes he comes back to his mom and asks:

“Mom Mom, why have all the women different sizes of their breasts?”

Mom answers:

“oh hmm, see my son, the women with small breasts are poor, the ones with big b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich man an a poor man shared a wedding anniversary...

Each year they asked eachother what they got their wives for their anniversary.

The rich man asked the poor man, the rich man said "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes"

Poor man : "whys that?"
Rich man : "well, if she doesn't like the the ring she can come home in the Mercedes a...

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
...

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In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips

In the days before cell phones, a businessman wants to keep his wife "entertained" while he's away on business trips. He tends to be away for a couple of weeks at a time, so he was always worried about his wife cheating on him. The man headed over to his local sex shop to see what he can find.
...

Two women are eating ice cream

One is licking her ice cream and the other one biting it. Sherlock and Wattson are sitting and looking at them.

Sherlock asks: "Wattson, try to guess which of those two women is married?"

Wattson replies: "Hmm, I guess the one thats licking her ice cream isnt married."

Sherlock...

My go-to accounting joke

(Acknowledgement: This joke came from the Drew Carey show. I don't remember specifically which episode. I don't even know why I was watching it.)

The owners of a micro-brewery are sitting around a table having their monthly board meeting.

The accountant stands up and says "So, let's ...

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Guy walks into math exam not knowing anything

He apparently fails. So teacher gives him F.
Guy: please Mr.Donovan let me sing. I can sing like Freddie Mercury. Please let me sing, I promise you have never heard anything like that. and if I do so please give me a good grade.
Teacher looks at his colleagues and nods. Guy sings the shit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men arrived at the pearly gates.

"Any words before you enter?" asked Jesus.



"Who are you?" asked the first man.



"What?" asked Jesus. "You mean--you don't know who I am? My name's Jesus. My face is everywhere, surely you know who I am!"



"No," said the first man. "I don't know who you are....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man with 3 testicles goes to see a doctor

The man is really self-conscious about having 3 testicles, and he's afraid it can badly affect his health if he doesn't get himself checked, so he decides to see a doctor. However, he reckons that seeing a female doctor would be very awkward so he makes sure it is a male doctor he's seeing

*...

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

Buffalo Come

A foreign hunter was given the job of hunting a pesky buffalo that had been terrifying a indian village. The hunter hires a local scout to seek the animal. After walking along the forest for a while. The scout puts his ear to the ground and says "Hmm, Buffalo come".
The hunter incredulous asks "W...

A man comes to a lawyer

A man comes to a lawyer and says:

- My friend, John, borrowed $500 from me and does not want to give. How can I get money back in court?

- Do you have any written confirmation that your friend borrowed money from you?

- No.

- Hmm, then write him a letter in which you wan...

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