Whose Jokes - 100 Hilarious Whose Jokes

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.

(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

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Three guys discuss whose wife is the most stupid.

"Mine bought a kitchen for $10,000 - and she cannot even cook!"

"Yeah, mine bought a car for $20,000 - and she cannot drive!"

"Ah, that's nothing. Mine bought 100 condoms for a business trip - and she does not even have a penis!"

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I woke up with someone's ejaculate on my face, but I don't know whose it is

Anyone know a good facial recognition software?

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."

A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

"My dog is so smart," says the first owner, "that every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around. He tips the kid and then brings the newspaper to me, along with my morning coffee."

"I know," replied the second dog owner, "my dog told me."

Yesterday, scientists discovered a species of lizard whose sperm is invisible.

They never saw it coming.

My wife and I were arguing as to whose turn it is to do the laundry.

Finally, …I threw in the towel.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Until one day a young woman named BlueB...

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

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A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

I've got a friend whose 1/2 Indian.

Ian.

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

An old Soviet joke

A Soviet delegation visits an American car factory.

"Whose factory is that?" asks a Soviet visitor.

"It belongs to capitalist billionaire Henry Ford," answers the American guide.

"And whose are the hundreds of cars in the parking lot?" asks the visitor.

"They belong to th...

There was a man whose arm caught on fire.

He got arrested for carrying a firearm.

The year is 2024 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don't think so, Susie. It's an 18-hour drive.”

“Don't worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”

“I don't know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”

“Oh, dad,” replies Susan, “I'll make sure she ha...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?

50 percent

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An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Af...

Did you hear about the presidential candidate whose sole opponent lived on the eroding slope of a mountain?

He won by a landslide.

Why do anti-vaxxers not lock their bikes?

Because they know someone whose locked bike was still stolen.

A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident

He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?"
"Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to...

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman?

She wrote him a John Deere letter.

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There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

What do you call a Mexican whose car has been stolen?

Carlos

Whose point is it anyway?

A ninety-year-old man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, my eighteen-year-old wife is expecting a baby."

The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a rifle, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. When a bear suddenly appeared and charged at the man - he pic...

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity.

The river sticks

you know whose divorce will be most dangerous

Nuclear physicist coz the judge will split his assets..

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a joke we tell in Ukraine

A russian, a Ukrainian and an African American guys are sitting in the waiting room while their wives give birth.

The nurse comes out with 3 babies and says "sorry guys, they've got mixed up..let's see whose is whose".
The Ukrainian takes a black kid and runs.
They yell "hold on dud...

Donald Trump just turned 73

which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.

A Travelling Salesman Whose Car Has Broken

A travelling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.
The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind that,” ex...

A cruel and spiteful restauranteur whose restaurants only served Pepsi products, died suddenly, and was shocked to find himself in heaven

As he approached the pearly gates, St Peter cheerily asked, “Would hell be OK instead?”

Whose job is it, anyway?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Any...

There was a French baker whose bakery collapsed on him..

He was in a lot of pain.

I tried donating blood today. Never again!!

Too many stupid questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from?? Why is it in a bucket???

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An engineer, a doctor and a lawyer were taking their dogs for a walk. The engineer and doctor started arguing about whose dog was smarter.

The engineer said, "Newton, do your thing." The engineer's dog made a perpetual motion machine out of scraps from the Park. The engineer rewarded him with a cookie. That's nothing said the Doctor..."Walter Reed, do your thing!" The dog found someone dying of a heart attack, did CPR, called the a...

Did you hear about the comedian whose house was swallowed by a sink hole?

I don't know but there's a joke in there somewhere.

Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off?

Neither did I, until I read the obituaries.

Them: Whose skull is that?

Me: *raising it to my lips to take a drink* a guy named Phillip.

Them: What's in it?

Me: Vodka and orange juice.

Them: .....

Me: It's a "Phillips Head Screw Driver"

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

What do you call a magician whose lost all his magic?

Ian......

Two parents are arguing about whose child is the most stupid.

"Mine is very stupid", says the first one. "And to show you what I mean: Hey son, take this dollar and go buy my a piano! You saw him! He's going!"

"Nah... mine is even more stupid" replies the second one. "Hey son, go to the cafeteria to check if I'm there. Check him out!! He left."

L...

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What do you call a child whose mother is a virgin?

ADOPTED

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Knock....Knock....’Whose there?’

Fucking nobody were in quarantine!

I was going to donate blood today but they started asking way too many personal questions like...

“Whose blood is this?!"

“Where did you get it?!"

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing

Serves him right

Did you hear about the hate-group whose members are mainly doves and chickens?

It's called the Coo Clucks Clan.

Donald Trump somehow makes it to the Pearly Gates

After a long life, and a tumultuous presidency, Donald J Trump dies and arrives at the Gates of Heaven, where he sees a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asks an angel, "What are all those clocks?"

The angel answers, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time...

Three little boys are arguing about whose dad is the fastest

Boy 1: My dad can outrun an arrow shot from a bow!

Boy 2: My dad can outrun a bullet shot from a gun!

Boy 3: My dad works for the government. He can leave work at 5:00 and gets home by 3:00!

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<...

I have a friend whose favorite element is potassium.

I personally think it's "just 'K."

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him because he had a foot fetish?

I guess he got off on the wrong foot

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

What do you call a person whose job is paint cars.

Car Painter

What’s a movie whose title got deeper the longer you watched?

The Titanic.

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Did you hear about the eskimo whose ass started to hurt after sitting for too long?

He got polaroids

Four little boys brag whose dad is the tallest.

The first boy says: my dad is taller than a tree!

The second boy says: my dad is taller than a mountain!

The third boy says: my dad is so tall that if he stands on the tips of his toes he can reach the stars!

The fourth boys says: and those are large?

\-Yeah.

\-R...

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

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Did you hear about the guy whose watch fell in the toilet?

He had a shitty time.

Last night my wife and I argued for hours as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

This went on but eventually I folded.

I entered a competition to see whose muscles could whither away the fastest.

The winner got atrophy.

I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose nametag reads "Patricia Whack."

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation," says the frog.

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."

Patty explains that he will need to secu...

In a remote tribal village…

A baby is born with light skin and fair hair. The expectant father, whose features are quite dark, is outraged. He gathers his weapons and heads straight for the only fair-skinned man in the entire region: a missionary the next village over who bears a striking resemblance to this newborn child.
...

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A boy and a girl are arguing whose parent is better.

Boy: “My dad is strong.”

Girl: “My mom is stronger! She lifts weights.”

“Well, my dad has a penis.”

“So does my mom!”

“Noooo, your mom can’t have a penis! Moms don’t have penises.”

“Yes she does! I saw it today in her cupboard!”

I have a Korean friend whose hands got tremor

His name is Park In Son

Reddit is a lot like Whose Line Is It Anyway.

The jokes are made up and the points dont matter.

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

Did you hear about the guy whose been stealing iPhones all over town?

He is going to Face Time soon.

There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters.

One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.

“Hi!” said the young man standing there. “My name’s Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. we’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” “Yes, I’ll go and get her” said the farmer....

What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime?

Editable.

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A Greek and an Italian are arguing over whose culture is superior.

he Greek says "We built the Parthenon." the Italian says "We build the Colosseum." The Greek says "We came up with advanced Mathematics" The Italian says "We made the Roman Empire." The Greek is getting frustrated finally realizes how he can win the argument. "We invented sex." The Italian repli...

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

A Christian, Buddhist and Muslim had a bet whose God is real

So they decided to climb on a 50 store building, jump and see who'll survive.

First goes the Muslim, he jumps and starts praying "Allah Allah Allah Allah" and he died

Next one was a Buddhist, he jump and started saying "Buddha Buddha Buddha Buddha" and he survived

...

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I had a problem with my computer yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fi...

A black guy and a Mexican are in a car, whose driving?

The cop....

An American an Russian were arguing about whose country is the best...

The American said, "Look, in America I can walk into the Oval Office, I can pound the President's desk and say Mr President, I don't like the way you're running our country."

The Russian said, "I can do that."

The American asked, "You can?"

The Russian replied, "Yes, in my count...

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

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Did you hear about the pirate whose only booty was dildos and potatoes?

They say he ran a dictatorship.

Three guys were talking whose wife is stupid.

The first one said:"My wife bought more toaster, but we don't even have thelectricity at home."

The second one said: "My wife bought a washing machine, but we don't have water nor electricity at home."

The third one said: "Mine is even worse. A few days ago, she went out with h...

i learned a language whose only word is "TUNA"

it sounded fishy at first, but the dolphins told me it was safe

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I'm dating a woman whose fake boobs contain water from the ocean.

She's a sea cup

What do you call a protestor whose ancestors grew weed?

A grass roots activist

I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.

I think we're on the same wavelength.

Why was the stroke patient whose left side was paralysed sent home?

His report said that he was all-right.

Did you guys hear about the man whose left side was chopped

They say he is alright now

Where is the freedom of a slave whose hobby is making necklaces?

Independence.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

What's the difference between a point in a distribution whose value is much higher than the rest and Boris Johnson?

One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.

Did you hear about the man whose wife had triplets?

He got out his gun and went looking for the other 2 guys.

Have you heard of the baseball player whose full name was babe?

He was ruthless

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