“Great rewards come to those who wait.”

A young man, soon to be a father, is visiting his dad’s deathbed the month before his future child is to be due. His mother, having died years prior, left him distraught beyond comprehension.

The young man’s father, riddled with cancer, breathed his last few words to his only son before he mo...

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for decades?

Church

Decade: 10 years

Century: 100 years

Millennium: 1000 years

Together forever: 8 months!!!!!!

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About a decade ago, Pope John Paul was visiting a convent of nuns, Our Sisters of the Immaculate Conception.

The whole place was so excited about his visit.

Mother Kate put Sister Margaret in charge of getting the finest fish for the dinner with the pope.

Sister Margaret took her task solemnly, and went to the market to get the best catch of the day.

“Good morning, sir. I’d like 12 ...

Magic Johnson has made it nearly 3 decades with HIV

But he couldn’t survive 1 year with LeBron

Harper Lee made her own alcohol several decades ago, researchers found out it's called

Tequila Mockingbird.

There was an evangelical who played the lottery for decades...

Every week he’d play the lottery and get very upset when he lost. His wife found out that he won and was worried it would give him a heart attack. She goes to the pastor and asks him to break it easy.

The pastor invites the man for coffee. The two are talking for a while and eventually the ...

Although the cannibalism of the praying mantis may seem severe, it is thankfully brief. In other species, the female will slowly suck the life out of her partner over a period of decades.

This process is commonly called marriage.

Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

I've been battling my addiction to thanksgiving leftovers for over a decade now.

It's hard to quit cold turkey.

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Whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump has given us something we haven’t had in decades.

A First lady we can masturbate to.

The term, "Alt-Left" has been around for decades! Wow, it really takes me back.

If you spend a lot of time on Reddit you may like Ctrl-W as well.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

What are these TV series about 2 musiciancs fighting against sharps and flats for decades?

Supernaturals

It took me almost a decade of marriage and several failed attempts of trying to realise it

Im not capable of making dad jokes

The bible purposely leaves out the decade of Jesus' life in his 20s because he was clearly a ladies man...

I mean, he can turn water into wine, and was well hung. What do you expect!

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

The French Quarter in New Orleans seems to have gotten cleaner in the last decade

Almost as if it had been washed up or something

After spending over 3 decades in the hard candy business, I've had enough...

I've finally realized it's for suckers.

After decades of intense research, scientists have finally figured out what a woman wants

Unfortunately, she's since changed her mind.

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George

George goes to the doctor after getting some very bad news about his condition.

Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

George: "Doctor, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. 

“What can I do to live at least a little longer? I don't have any family ...

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The Old Jew and the Genie

One day, a very old Jewish man was walking down the street when he encountered a tarnished brass lamp.

As he tried to polish it up with his sleeve, lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Master of the lamp, I am able to grant you one wish!" the genie bellows.

The o...

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So these two couples had known each other for decades, and would meet once a month for dinner.

It was always the same routine, they would meet at one couples house, and after dinner the women would go to the kitchen to clean up and catch up (not saying it's not sexist, but they were raised in different times) and the men would go to the living room for some catching up of their own.

T...

The flag planted on the moon is now completely white, since it has been bleached by decades of cosmic radiation...

The US should replace the flag sometime soon, we don't want people to think the French were the first to complete a lunar landing!

For decades I've always liked Kevin Spacey

Turns out he stopped liking me decades ago

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When the Jews wandered in a desert for four whole decades,

surely it went from epic fail to epoch fail

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

I don't know why people think throwing singles at children is the new viral trend...

Hollywood's been doing it for decades.

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

A man is on a safari

A man is on a safari taking pictures of the wildlife. One day he looks out across the Savannah and sees an elephant bellowing like crazy and rearing up on its hind legs. The man looks through his binoculars and sees that there’s something wrong with the elephant’s foot. He gets closer and looks agai...

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

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Three best friends have known eachother since high school...

They ended up going to the same college together, and getting a job at the same factory together. Bill, Jacob, and Mark were always known to hangout together, they were inseparable.

One day, the factory catches on fire, and once all of the factory workers regroup, they do accountability. Two...

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One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

A professor teaches his students about Chinese history

Professor: Allright class, let me start off today with a fun fact. During early industrial times, a lot of British engineers went to China to start up new businesses there, because of their low taxation rates. Because of this huge increase in migration, the Chinese government invested in the proper ...

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Once there was a boy in Alabama who loved trains.

It was his life, he’d get his dad to take him to train shows, play with them at home, read books about them in elementary school, the works. In high school he studied and kept his GPA high so he’d be able to go for his dreams: to be a train conductor. Upon graduating high school he got accepted int...

After Stalin died his comrades found two sealed envelopes on his table.

One had "Open in bad situation" written on it, the other had "Open in critical situation".

So when times got worse, new USSR leader decided to open the Bad envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper with a few words: "blame everything on me". And so the government blamed everything on Stalin...

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A man is sitting on his porch, enjoying the morning...

When a young boy walks by dragging some Chicken wire.

“Hold on a minute, boy, whatcha doing with that chicken wire?”

“Gonna go catch me some chickens” says the boy.

“Well that’s not the way that works, but you go have fun.” He replies.

A few hours later he sees the boy r...

President Trump decides to go for joh

On the White House lawn, the groundskeeper tells Trump that he oughta try racing around the White House.
Groundskeeper: “Every President for decades has raced around the White House. Your predecessor Barack Obama ran the entire race in 10 minutes.”
Trump: “That’s nothing! I can beat that! Beli...

Local Barber got arrested for selling drugs.

I really cant believe it. I have been his customer for over a decade and never knew he was a barber.

How To Ask for A Raise

EMPLOYEE: Excuse me, sir, may I talk with you?

BOSS: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

EMPLOYEE: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over 10 years.

BOSS: Yes...

EMPLOYEE: I won’t beat around the bush, sir. I would lik...

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven

Three good friends, Jake, John, and Jack, are accepted into Heaven. However, before they enter, Saint Peter warns them that there are miniature ducks all over Heaven, and that they are to never, ever, step on them. With that, he leads them into the magnificent realm of Heaven.

After some tim...

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

How many GOP congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Doesn't matter, light wasn't burnt out, they haven't had any bright ideas in decades to turn it on.

A man is on a photo safari in Africa, when he finds an elephant in distress, lying in the bushes. Upon inspection, he finds that the elephant has a large, sharp rock embedded in the bottom of its foot. He carefully pulls the rock free, and the elephant gets up and saunters away.

Almost a decade later he is back in his home town when a circus is visiting
and they put on a parade. The man is watching all of the animals go past, when
he notices, and makes eye contact with a large African elephant. The elephant
immediately turns toward the man, picks him up in its trun...

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[NSFW] An Englishman, a Belgian & a Frenchman are stranded on an island and captured by a local tribe

Now the tribe leader tells them he will let the ones live who can complete his two requests.


They all agree and await the leader’s first request. So the leader says: “You each must bring me 100 of a fruit of your choice. You must collect it on this island and bring it here within the nex...

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

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A Gargoyle, A Jinn, and A Dark Shaman are hanging out in a cemetery...

A gargoyle a jinn and a dark shaman are hanging out in a cemetery, close to midnight.

The shaman turns to the jinn and says,
"I bet my soul against your eternal servitude, that I can raise more corpses freshly dead within the past 10 years, than you can steal the souls of the living by gra...

There was once this very pious man

He went to church every day to pray, ever since he was 5.

At 30 years old, he's been praying for the same thing for the past decade. All he wanted was a son. His life would finally be complete; all he needed was a son.

At the age of 35, the man began giving up. The priest in charge of ...

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

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A Native American Chief was asked by somebody on his reservation how cold the coming winter will be...

He isn't sure what to say, but to be safe he responds, "It will be very cold. Start collecting firewood to prepare."

Later that week he realizes that he might be wrong with his prediction, so he walks into the city and uses a pay phone to call the local weather station.

He asks them, ...

The small European country of Germania

Few people know the rich history of the small European country of Germania. It was an all-male country, and females were barred entry. Any female found within its borders would be sentenced to prison for life. The men reproduced outside the country, and were only allowed to bring their male offsprin...

I have a buddy who's 6' 11" and his wife is only 3' 6"...

They've been married over a decade and he's still nuts over her...

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Best joke in the..

**World:**
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What ...

The fart

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his medical degree in his hometown and then left for Manhattan. Soon he was invited to give a speech in his hometown. As he placed his papers on the lectern they slid off onto the floor and when he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong ins...

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Once, there was an old couple....

The husband would wake up every morning and thrust out a loooonnnnnng fart.
She told him for years, "Some day, you're going to shit your guts out if you keep on" but that never stopped him from his morning routine. Finally, after decades, she had enough.
After cleaning out a turkey she took...

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A japanese guy gets off the plane to New York

He needs American money so he goes to the bank but doesnt know much english. He goes to the teller and says "me, change" and hands over 10,000yen. The bank teller understands and takes it and hands over $100

The next day, the japanese guy does the same thing and gives 10,000yen to the bank t...

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence

...but he is allowed to speak two words every decade. After ten years go by he goes up to the abbot and says carefully: "bad food."

Ten more years go by and he again goes up to the abbot and thinks carefully and says: "hard bed."

Finally at the end of ten more years he goes up to the ...

[Long] One day in the Kingdom of Reddit

..a jester told the King a joke so funny that the king declared “This is the funniest joke OF ALL TIME....it shall never be told again!” With that, the Jester was locked in a tower. Days turned into months, months turned into years, years turned into decades, and the jester stayed locked away.
...

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

A boy was outside trying to sell his lawnmower...

... a preacher rides along in this bike and sees the kid selling the lawnmower. He decides to ask the boys how much he wants for it.

"Well sir, what I really want is a new bike", says the boy.

The preacher thinks on it and asks him if he would be willing to trade the lawnmower for the ...

A moth goes to the pediatrist.

The pediatrist asks him what the problem is. The moth sighs and says, “Well...it’s my job. I’ve been at the mill for nigh on two decades and I have begun to feel like I’m just plugging along waiting for the end. I’m still working toward something, but I thought by the time I got to be this age I’d h...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

Why does everyone always brag that they are “going to go unplugged for a while”

Wireless devices were invented decades ago.

How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their pl...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday...

A priest was performing mass one Sunday in his village in Poland when suddenly, in the middle of the service, he let one rip on accident. He was hoping that nobody heard it, but to his dismay, a wave of disgust fell on the faces of those in the congregation. After the service, he was berated by near...

A short true tale about Ireland, quiz-shows and Hitler

Decades ago when I lived on the rocky coast of West Cork, there was a quiz show called "Quicksilver". It had a top prize of something like $1.25 (perhaps a bit more), and the contestants were just average people. In one show the contestant was asked for Hitler's first name. He thought about it, smil...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

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Hitler, Pol pot and George W Bush were...

together in hell sitting around a campfire. They are telling each other stories from the time they were alive and having a great time laughing over the evil things they have done.

As the night goes on, they get into a discussion about who might be the vilest, most evil and most universally ...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

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A monk was determined to seek immortality...

But after months, years, decades of training, he still failed. seeking after wisdom and enlightment, he went to his teacher and said "Master, how must I achieve the secret of immortality?"

"Have you seen the warm glow of the sun slowly creep behind the majestic mountains?" the master asked....

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has finally become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from ...

Darling

An elderly couple goes to their favorite restaurant they’ve been visiting together for decades. The man addresses his wife with all sorts of endearments, calling her his darling, sweetheart, his treasure etc.

When the lady excuses herself and goes to the bathroom, the waiter comments to the m...

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What is the difference between Donald J. Trump and the Hindenberg?

One is an exploding Nazi gas bag, whose fiery crash and destruction played out on camera; the flaming doom marked the end, not just of itself, but for all that followed in it's line. Its blaze of failure permanently seared into the collective consciousness of humanity. A disaster that would be talke...

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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

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A man walks into a bar...

and sits down next to a crusty old sailor, whose head is the size of an orange but otherwise looks and acts normal. After quite a few beers, the man can't help himself and asks the sailor why his head is so small. The sailor laughs good naturedly, and begins to tell his tale.

Decades ago h...

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John owned the local florist shop.

The shop had been in his family for five generations -- and he loved his work. He was a part of people’s lives, from their first prom, to valentines gifts, birthdays, weddings, and even funerals -- he loved his work, and the town loved him. Life for him, his wife Susan, his mom Louis, and their thre...

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Excess vs. Surplus

So this is a true story from my Air Force days and I would like to say it is a testament to how things have changed over decades, but this dates to circa 1983. I was a Lieutenant in a role in my squadron responsible for, among many things, materials that we had leftover from different projects we c...

Penguins

A cop pulls over a station wagon for running a red light. When the officer gets up to the car, he sees a bunch of penguins in the back of the station wagon. He writes the driver a ticket and tells him, "I want you to take these penguins to the zoo!"
A couple days later the cop sees the same stati...

An old woman in Texas is celebrating her one hundredth birthday.

The local news comes to her birthday party to congratulate her on achieving such an advanced age. They find her in good health and good spirits on her special day. They ask her what her secret to longevity is. She answers immediately and confidently that her method is to eat a tablespoon of gunpowde...

A young Indian hermit wanted an audience with god..

So, he gave up all his worldly possessions and left society to pray in the woods, he prayed for everyday, then after many many years god appears before him. God: I'm pleased by your dedication, you may ask for anything and I'll grant your wish. Hermit: Okay, but what took you so long...

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I turned myself into the police.

The Crime? Money Laundering. I just couldn't take it anymore, the guilt was eating at me and I needed to finally face my crimes.

I went into the station and explained that I had been money laundering for decades. They said they wanted an official statement and sat me down in a room with a tab...

An young aspirant joins an order of silent monks

Every ten years, the monks are allowed to break their vow to say two words. After one arduous decade, the day on which the young monk is finally allowed to speak has arrived. After thinking for a bit, he grimaces and says “bed hard”. This concludes his brief speech, and he goes about his priestly du...

Coma victim...

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411, 19 in his account.

“Whooo- Hoo! I’m a multi-millionaire!”

He hobbles down the hallway giggling t...

Really busy century in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says "Listen - we're having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a ...

Knowledge is Power

When I was young my father said to me:
"Knowledge is Power....Francis Bacon"
I understood it as "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon".
For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two? If I said the quote to someone, "Kno...

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A man's entire family was killed by a masked dolphin...

He set off on a quest for vengeance. He searched high and low for the identity of the masked dolphin. He traveled the world, asking dolphin Gurus and dolphin historians. He searched for ten years before he found his first clue.

In a shallow pool at the top of a tall mountain he found a dolphi...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

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The best situation set-up I've ever heard in real life....

My army platoon was training a decade ago when this happened, I still laugh about it today. I'll not use names, just ranks.

We had just finished a mission and field maintenance and had about an hour of down-time before our next briefing, so the whole platoon was in a tent sitting on cots in a...

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A woman adopted a foul-mouthed bird because he was so beautiful and she thought he could be retrained.

The shelter told her the bird lived in a whorehouse for the last decade. When her husband's car pulled in the drive, she dreaded what the bird would say to him. The bird looked at the husband and said, "Hi Phil, welcome back."

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

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A company sends a salesman to a middle-eastern country to boost soda sales.

He attempts a visual advertisement campaign.

All around the country, he places billboards with tree pictures, one next to the other: the picture on the left shows a poor man lost in the desert and very thirsty; the middle picture shows the same man drinking the company's drink; the picture o...

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A Jewish family had to put Grandpa in an old-folks home...

But there were no beds available at the Jewish one, so against his wishes they put him in the Catholic one across town. After a few days, they went to visit him to see how he was keeping.

They were concerned that he would hate it, but when they asked him how it was he said, "Let me tell you, ...

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Frustrated Prostitute.

There was this hard working prostitute who had been working 18 hours a day for more than a decade.She had a quite a bit of money but money wasn't what she wanted anymore, she was sick of her job,her life ,EVERYTHING.One day she decided to end her miserable life and she lied down on a train track wit...

[NSFW] The oldest man in the world

Once a Reporter gets the news that the oldest man on earth lives in a village nearby. She takes her Stuff and visits him for an interview.

Reporter: Sir, you lived a decade plus 20 years now. Would you mind to tell our readers about your best experience?

Man: Sure! When i was young an ...