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Upcoming Jokes

How did Kim Kardashian tell her kid about her upcoming divorce with Kanye?

North, things between West and I have gone South.

Why haven't the Democrats made any big moves towards the upcoming election yet?

Because they are Biden their time

What does Senator Lindsey Graham, Upcoming Game of Thrones Book "Dream of Spring" and Video Game Star Citizen have in common?

None of them are ever coming out!





You're welcome

A sponge was talking to her friend the sea urchin about her upcoming vacation.

“Do you have any big plans?”, asked the sea urchin.

“Not really,” answered the sponge. “I'm just going to soak up the scenery.”

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The ot...

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip....

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve. He was alread...

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

The New York Times just contracted me to row a boat for a upcoming story.

I'm the Times's new Row-man

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A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.

The bartender says, "what'll it be?"

The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."

Th...

In an upcoming movie, Peter Parker brings the founder of Theranos to justice

They are calling it: "Spiderman: No way, Holmes"

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

I’m nineteen and won’t vote in this upcoming election. Here’s why:

I’m Swedish

A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

"Governor, our town has been experiencing two big problems," says one of the leaders

The politician pounds his table, "Ok tell me what they are,...

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

Jeffrey Epstein worked on the upcoming "Cuties" movie

He was an executed producer

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

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In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do?

Because **fuck u**, that's why!

My wife is really worried about our upcoming cruise because of the Corona Virus.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all on the same boat.”

A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He...

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Who's going to lose the upcoming election?

Society.

What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book?

I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write!

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

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If you don't like the U.K's new upcoming porn laws.

Beat it, kid.

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Why didn't Samuel Jackson get the lead role in the upcoming Oedipus movie?

Because he's a bad motherfucker.

I'm really worried about the upcoming solar eclipse.

Because I've always heard that once you go black, you never go back.

Harry was finally a groom and was very excited about his upcoming marriage.

He was on his way out of the office when his boss came over to him.

“Congratulations Harry,” his boss said. “I just wanted to tell you I’ve been married for 22 years, and I’m sure that you will always remember this day with the fondest of memories, as the happiest day of your life.”

“B...

Have you heard of the upcoming movie where a time traveller gets transformed into a chicken?

It's called Bawk to the Future.

During tryouts for one of the chorus positions in the upcoming musical The Sound of Music....

one of the girls told the judges, "Mother says I sing beautifully."
The judge replied, "Bring me a recommendation from your neighbors and I'll give you a tryout."

For our upcoming anniversary, my wife wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

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In an upcoming film, Matthew McConaughey is going to play a Neo-Nazi

He’s gonna be alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

The local weatherman named the upcoming snowstorm after his oldest son Kevin.

Because he didn't think it was going to amount to much either.

A buddy of mine has box seats for the upcoming Super Bowl

He paid $2500 each for them, but when he bought them months ago, he forgot didn’t know that the Super Bowl would be on the same day as his wedding. So he’s looking for someone to take his place. It’s at the St. Andrews church on Queen St at 4:30 pm. The brides name is Nicole, is 5’3” 105 lbs and is ...

WWE is postponing their upcoming event in Saudi Arabia until December.

And they are changing the name of the event to December to Dismember.

Bruce Willis has been cast to play the lead role in the upcoming Lord of the Rings sequel.

Old Hobbits Die Hard.

I hear Metallica have an upcoming show in Amsterdam

"We're off to Nether-netherlands"

I just heard that Snoop Dogg will be playing the teacher in the upcoming Magic School Bus movie.

F'rizzle!

There's an upcoming show featuring the woman from Tiger King and Batman's sidekick, going around and reviewing ice cream parlors

Carole Baskin And Robin's

What banner phrase did the art sculptures create to christen their upcoming race?

“Finish line or BUST!”

The script for the upcoming Tetris movie is terrible

Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.

My resolution for this upcoming year is likely going to be the same as this year.

My computer wouldn't run games well at 4k anyway.

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

Why is Humpty Dumpty so optimistic about the upcoming Winter?

Because he had a great Fall!

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

A piece of retconned canon from Star Wars has a danger of causing glaring plotholes in upcoming Disney films and series.

It's what is known as "a loose canon."

I heard Frankie Muniz is going to be playing a 1960's civil rights leader, in the upcoming film...

'Malcolm X in the Middle'.

If we drown in this upcoming hurricane, would that make us...

...the Joaquin Dead?

My friend purchased a front row ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight.

I heard this was a popular community on Reddit and I didn't know where else to post this so here goes. My friend's wedding is coming up soon. He'd bought a ticket to the upcoming Mayweather fight knowing that it was a week before the wedding but the hall at which the wedding was booked made him chan...

With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ...

... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.

Yeah, Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper were both phenomenal, but I'm more excited for the upcoming Icelandic remake

A Star Is Björn

I was telling my friend about an upcoming vietnamese Pho festival. He asked what kind of festival? I said, did I stutter!?

I know it's awful. Downvote accordingly.

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I sent a memo to my secretary about her invite to the upcoming sexual innuendo in the workplace seminar

I said I had to give her one and if she couldn’t come then I would have to fill her slot.

I'm thinking of visiting Saudi Arabia based on the upcoming week's forecast

It's mostly Sunni

You know how Gotham citizens are going to be able to tell Bruce Wayne is Batman in the upcoming movie?

Because during the day he’ll sparkle.

I got a job assisting a fledgling orchestra with their day to day activities and helping to organize upcoming shows...

My official title is Band Aide.

(I thought of this in the shower, so it's definitely not funny)

So in this upcoming boxing match, Soulja Boy is being trained by Floyd Mayweather

Where as Chris Brown is just getting another girlfriend to train on

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For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.

For sexual or suggestive content involving Miners.

For the upcoming holiday season, I was thinking of making my parents the same thing I do every year.

I make them disappointed.

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

During my recent office visit, my doctor was visibly upset, and he told me to cancel my upcoming annual physical. But it was a piece of advice he gave me that concerns me the most.

"Don't buy any green bananas."

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Home Depot Scam alert

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come ove...

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I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

Jack was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that she had a good news and a bad news.

Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

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Golf

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly ...

I once got stuck on a deserted island. It got very lonely very fast, and I wanted some company

I decided to state my opinion on the upcoming election

The island went from deserted to crowded very quickly

The DJ played the Cha Cha Slide, so I did the Cha Cha Slide,

The DJ played Macarena, so I did the Macarena,

The DJ played Come On Eileen, and now I have an upcoming court appearance.

What's long, hard, and waiting for you?

The upcoming global recession

In an effort to play every famous person in the world, Tom Hanks has taken a new role

In his ongoing effort to play every white man of any worthy note, Tom Hanks has be cast as Tom Hanks in his upcoming biopic

this might crack you up

Humpty Dumpty wanted to be cast as the lead for an upcoming remake of Casablanca. He made it through several rounds of auditions and was among the final pool of candidates.

At the end of the final day, the candidates joined the film staff in walking to a nearby Chinese restaurant for dinner.<...

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The Chinese have developed a new pill that increases the average penis size by 3 inches.

Reports say they will use it to interfere with the upcoming U.S. erections.

Trump Masks!

When the pandemic started I seen an opportunity! I combined the upcoming need for mask with a large political base and mass produced 600,000 Trump Masks! I have not sold any though, what am I doing wrong?

[Long]A squad of soldiers-in-training stood in line to get their practice weapons...

...for an upcoming simulated battle. As the last guy got up to the sergeant, the sergeant said, “sorry son, we’re all out. Take this broom instead.” The private looked puzzled so the sergeant explained, “When you see the enemy, point the broom at them and say ‘bangity, bangity, bang.’ Don’t worry, i...

Anniversary gifts

A friend of mine was explaining to me that she wasn't sure what to get her boyfriend for their upcoming anniversary but that he was dropping hints about matador equipment and communist paraphernalia. I told her those are big red flags.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

The Young knight and his pipe

A young knight was nervous about his upcoming meeting with the king.

He went to the wise man, and told him of his worries, and the old man presented him an ornately designed pipe to give to the king as a gift.

"Wise master, I am confused. Why is it you suggest that I give him this beau...

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A Day Playing Golf

A husband loved to play golf, but he and his wife were so busy with their jobs and tending to the home and kids that he wasn’t able to go out very often.

After a really busy stretch for both of them, he just had to take a day on the links, so he struck a deal with his wife. He would go on the...

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I asked a hot woman at the gym what her New Year's Resolution is.

She replied "Fuck you". I'm pretty excited about the upcoming year!

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Who is the Boss ?

In an official delegates meeting of a so and so company Boss of that company decided to fire mrs.X in the upcoming 25th anniversary that is after 2 days.

So at the day of an anniversary. Somehow from the inside information got leaked and Mrs.X came to know about that at the beginning of the a...

Italian Anniversary

At the church's husbands' marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on his upcoming 50th
wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to
stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried ...

I met the author of IT yesterday

He told me about the upcoming sequel to the 2018 movie based on the book. Apparently it was called IT chapter 2 and everything. I was stunned, incredulous even. I asked him, "Are you joking?"

He said, "No, I am Stephen King!"

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My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

A man walks into a bar in New Orleans

He sits down next to a man in a jacket. Both of them are watching a preview of the upcoming nfc championship. They both start debating over who will win, and the debate turns into an argument. The man says “100 bucks my saints win!” “Your on” replied the man as he unzipped his coat to reveal black a...

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Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

What’s the model name of Tesla’s new SUV?

Journalist: “What’s the model name of the upcoming SUV?”

Elon Musk: ’Y’.

Journalist: “Because I’m asking.”

Musk: “And I’m telling you.”

Journalist: “So if you’re telling me, what did you say it’s called?”

Musk: ‘Y’

Journalist: “Why?”

Musk: “Exactly.”<...

Olympics Ticket

To whoever might interest, a friend of mine bought a ticket for the Olympics football finals, but he didn't realize the date was the same as his upcoming marriage.

If any of you wants to take his place, with everything already paid, the marriage takes place at the Catholic Church and the bri...

Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?

He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

You are what you eat...

This post/comment has been edited in protest against Reddit's upcoming changes to the API.

One way Reddit could still make lots of money, even if nobody ever created another post or comment, is by selling the existing data (conversations in threads, etc.) to AI language model companies. Editi...

A man walked into a tuxedo store...

A man walked into a tuxedo store, looking to buy a suit for an upcoming party. A saleswoman walked over to assist him.

“Hello sir, how may I help you?” she asked.

“I’m looking for a tuxedo,” he replied.

The saleswoman then brought over a few suits to offer to the man.

“H...

A postman is going on holiday

A postman is going on holiday. He has a good relationship with a homeowner along his route and decides to let him know about his upcoming absence. During work hours, he arrives at the man's home and chaps on the door and after a few moments he opens it.



"Hey there, what have you got f...

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A man lines up at a train station

A young man lines up at a train station to buy tickets for an upcoming business trip. In front of him in the line, there is a very attractive young lady with very large breasts. The man is so distracted by this that he accidentally says to the man behind the counter:

"One Picket to TitsBurg, ...

Birthday present

A little boy's parents asked what he wanted for his upcoming birthday.

The boy thought about it and simply replied "I wanna watch"


So they let him

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mortuary surprise

Morticians John and Steve are working late at the funeral home, preparing a few corpses for their upcoming services John runs upstairs and tells Steve " the woman I am working on has a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!" When Steve doesn't believe him John tells him "come see then" They get back ...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

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Do you own a lawnmower?

Two redneck friends, Jimbo and Billy Bob, wanted to go back to school, so they enrolled at the local community college and met with the dean of admissions. Jimbo is called in first.

Dean: "Well, I got the standard general education courses for you this coming semester, such as science and Eng...

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser

Gary Johnson is at a fundraiser for the upcoming election. Worn out from being in the spotlight, he propositions a hooker and heads to a hotel room. Once inside, they rip their clothes off and start making out. She throws him on the bed and seductively asks "Do you enjoy felacio?" He looks at her wi...

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Older men scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, ...

I started a job today at the local cemetery...

The boss wanted me to start 3 graves for some upcoming burials. I went to the maintenance shed to get the backhoe. I didn't see it inside. I found the head of maintenance. A hippie looking guy straight out of the 60's. Long hair, tie dye shirt, peace symbol necklace, bandanna. The whole nine yards. ...

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Hark, I hear the cannons roar!

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent, saying that he's got a part for him in an upcoming play. "You'll have to go to an audition, but it's just one line - 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar!'" says the agent. So the actor goes to the audition, stands in front of the director and loudly procla...

My Brother has 2 tickets to the 2017 Super Bowl -- HELP!

My brother has 2 tickets to the upcoming Super Bowl! He was so excited and paid the $3,500 for each ticket as soon as they went on sale. However, he didn't realize that the game would land on the day of his wedding..

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.. It will...

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