They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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My wife told me sex is better on holiday...

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

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So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

An American is on holiday in Ireland, and while there he wants to play some golf

So he goes to the closest golf club and says "I'd like to play some golf, but have nobody to play with. Would anyone here like to play?"
A man walks up and says "I'll play with you. I'll meet you here at 9 am, but I could be half an hour late."

So the American turns up the next morning a...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

A guy was planning his holiday with his travel agent...

“Last year you suggested The Maldives and when I returned my wife was pregnant. The year before that you suggested a safari in Africa and when I returned my wife was pregnant. And before that you suggested Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant. Can you suggest somewhere cheaper this year ...

So I went to Iraq for holidays...

And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the suicide hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.

At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "

The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays..

I want to go to the Bahamas And she wants to come with me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter holiday

When he returns to California his friend says to him, *”Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”*


To which Arnie replied **[in Arnie voice]**: *”Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt. He put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could...

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

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An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane...

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane.

As it comes closer, he notice...

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Two Scots Meet Abroad While on Holiday

Liam, while on holiday, notices another man bellowing loudly in a Scottish accent.

Liam: Hey pal! You sound Scottish. Where ye from?

Callum: I'm from fucking Scotland, pal

Liam: Aye, ah guessed that, which toon?

Callum: Glasgae

Liam: me too. Which part?

Call...

Some first year uni students come home in the holiday for a surprise maths test of 'What's 2 + 2?'

The engineer says 'well it's 3.75, but given the situation we can round it to 5'

The mathematician goes and works for a while, then comes back saying 'I don't know what the answer is, but I know one exists'

The astrophysicist says 'rounding to the nearest million the answer would be 0'...

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A man goes on holiday to Spain and walks into a restaurant.

As he sits down, he looks up at the specials board. When the waiter comes over he asks, “Excuse me, what are *Huevos de Toro*?”

“Ah, this is one of our rarer specials”, replies the waiter. “They are the testicles of a bull that was killed in the ring today.”

The man orders the testicle...

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A groom walks into a tattoo shop while on holiday in Jamaica.

To show his love, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. After finishing getting his tattoo, he notices a Jamaican man with the same letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
<...

Just got back from the holiday of a lifetime.

Never again.

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

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A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

Holiday trip to Alcatraz

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.


Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them...

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I went to Dublin Ireland for a holiday, I tried to see it all.

But I couldn't, it kept on Dublin and Dublin.

I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems.

Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.

I was talking to a friend. I said "my wife went on holiday to the West Indies."

He says "Jamaica?"

I said "No... It was her decision."

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed

In the morning the following conversation takes place.

Man on left: “I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.”

Man on right: “No way, I also had a dream about that as well!”

Man in middle: “That’s funny I had a dream I was skiing.”

Husband and wife go on a holiday in Jerusalem.

His wife has an accident and dies.

The guide explains to her husband the possibilities for her funeral:

- It would cost you $ 5000 to send her home or $ 150 to bury her here.

"I think I'm going to choose the first option," said the husband

- Why? You can make a beautiful ...

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
<...

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While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs...

They meet up with the Mother Superior and Dopey stops to talk to her.

“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but replies,

“Not very short, some around 5 foot.”

“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 fo...

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

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A family enters a hotel for their holiday, the father goes up to the receptionist and says: "I hope the porn here is disabled.”

To which the receptionist replies: “It’s just regular porn, you sick man!”

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Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.

“Any day,” she replied, “on any day which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

My wife told me today was her favorite holiday,

but I corrected her, Easter is tomorrow, Stupid. lol.

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays.

Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill ...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

I visited Kenya...

I was in Kenya for holiday and decided to visit a poor village. There I met a married couple who told me about their everyday life. The wife told how she makes clothes for a living and makes 1.75 dollars a day. The husband was a farmer who only made 2 dollars a day.

It broke my heart. I felt ...

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3 men are caught smuggling alcohol into Saudi Arabia

As it's a "dry" country, the men are brought before a judge.

Judge: "Under normal circumstances, the penalty for smuggling is death. However, it's a national holiday and I'm feeling generous, so you'll each receive 20 lashings."

As he says this, his wife approaches the judge and whispe...

What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday?

Boxing day!

How did my friend get into my house while I was on holiday?

He went intruder window.

What’s Thanos’ favourite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

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A Chinese man goes on holiday in Paris, and goes to convert his yuan into euros.

He stops at a currency exchange near the hotel he's staying at, and gets 500 euros in exchange for 4000 yuan.

The next week, he goes back to the currency exchange and exchanges another 4000 yuan to euros, but only gets 495 euros this time.

"Why is it only 495 euros today? You gave me 5...

The french never go on holidays

They only go on retreats

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

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"Where's our son?" asked my wife, as soon as she returned back from holiday.

"Which one?" I asked.

She said, "The one with acne. Where is he?"

I said, "Oh...I, er..."

"You what?"

"I kicked him out."

She yelled, "What the fuck? He's thirteen, why the hell would you kick him out?"

"You said you wanted the house to be spotless when you ...

Australia

Was on holiday in Sydney and saw this bloke with a didgeridoo playing Dancing Queen. I thought, that's Abba-riginal

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My girlfriend finds sex on holiday much more fun

I think so, anyway. It was difficult to read the postcard

Not sure if this will work outside of Scotland...

Two cows in a field, which one is on holiday?


- the one with the wee calf

In Bulgaria we have three holidays

Christmas, New Year and everyday.

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

In 1986, Peter Davies

was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the el...

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Moshe is looking to go on holiday by himself...

He decides to go to Prague and sees a brochure for a tour of the Bohemian Forest. He arrives and gets his own personal tour guide. As they are hiking through the forest, they come across two large black bears. The guide tells him to be quiet and not move and the bears should be on their way. Mos...

My wife came back from her holiday with the girls.

"How have you been?" she asked.

I said, "I spent a week in bed with flu."

"Oh, that sounds terrible," she replied.

I said, "Or her name might have been Flo."

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

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My GF loves sex during the holidays

This is by far the worst postcard I've got from her.

A Holiday Story

Back in the 1970s an Alaskan lawyer found out he had a long lost cousin in Czechoslovakia. In letters, the Czech mentioned he always wanted to see Alaska, so they arrange for him to come for a visit over the Christmas break.

While he's there the Alaskan takes him for a hike through the woods....

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i‘s...

Cyclops (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn’t it, Linda?

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

My friend asked me what I did in Rome during my holiday

I said “Roaming around”

Aparently 30% of males go on a diet before going on holiday. I cheated

And just took a fat girlfriend to the beach

What do Gerry McCann and Thomas Cook have in common?

Both will take you on holiday, but they won't bring you home

My friend just came back from his holiday to the coldest place in the universe.

He told me it was 0K

My wife told me if I went on the lads holiday to Vegas leaving her and the kids behind I’ll come home to find the locks changed

Good. My key has been sticking for months, it’s about time she did some DIY.

My friend is an arms dealer. He has a Holiday sale right now where he's selling explosives for $1 each

It's a bang for your buck.

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It was Electrifying

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to ...

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TIL when baking for the holidays...

Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes.

My wife and I can never agree on holidays

I want to fly to exotic places and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

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It's really feeling Christmassy at the Holiday Inn where I'm working...

I just to some pregnant woman and her husband to "fuck off, we're full"

What's the difference between my patio and Robert Mugabes grave?

No-one wants to pay for a holiday to dance on my patio.

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

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My wife's been telling me lately about how sex is so much more exciting on holiday

It's driving me nuts, she keeps sending me postcards

I usually spend holidays at the brothel

I don't have any family in town, so I might as well make some money.

Three married men are complaining about their wives.

The first one says: I only get laid on my birthday and holidays! It really sucks, man.

The second one laments: I don’t even get that! I don’t even remember the last time I got laid.

They turn to the third one and ask: John, how about you?

John scratches his head and says: Me? I ...

An Original Holiday Joke

What do you call it when a wife is required to give her husband a BJ on Thanksgiving?

A gobligation.

Only amateurs gain weight during the holidays

Us, professionals gain weight during the entire year.

A couple were going on a vacation together but the wife had an emergency at work.

So they agreed the husband would go as planned and his wife would meet him at the hotel the next day.

When the husband got to his hotel and had checked in, he thought he should send his wife a quick email letting her know he'd got there ok.

As he typed in her email address, he made a t...

The holidays being over has me in a really terrible place.

I don't mean mentally, I'm at work and would rather be at home.

Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I got be 98

A journalist crew comes to this 98 year old's house for an interview:

- So, tell us your secret?

- Well, one time while on holiday in Greece I got so wasted that I took this Italian guy behind the bar and gave him a blow job.

- And that's how you got to live to 98 years??? ...

Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

What do you call it when a person sees a Christmas-themed commercial and then goes on a rant about the over-commercialization of the holiday?

An Ad Vent!

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

What is a neutrino's favorite holiday song?

"Have yourself a very little rest mass."

They're having a holiday party for the Erectile Dysfunction Society.

Nobody can come.

If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do?

Fly, *you fools*.

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.

He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people buy them...

Little Susie spent the summer holidays on a pony farm in the Cotswolds

Back home, she asked,

"We all live together just like the animals, don't we, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"So I'm just like a little foal?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"And you, Mummy, you're practically the beautiful mare?"

...

Family coming for holidays always make me thankful...

....that alcohol is cheap and legal.

I always look forward to the holidays on Reddit

to see who wins the repost wars.

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A girl decides to take her boyfriend on holidays along with her family

During the night, the girl decides to sleep in the upper part of the bunk, and his little brother decides to sleep on the lower part.

A few minutes later, her boyfriend arrives at the room. So, the girl and her boyfriend start to kiss and touch on the upper part of the bunk while her little b...

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "Ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?" The husband replied "A long time ago, a man was burie...

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