UPJOKE
vacationchristmasdayhoneymooneasterthanksgivingbirthdayweekendfeast daydiwalilegal holidaychristmas evepublic holidayfestiveremembrance day

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My wife told me that "sex is better on holiday".

Not the best postcard I've ever received.

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Man goes on holiday to Italy

A guy walks into a barbershop and sits in the chair.

The barber asks, “Are you going anywhere on holiday this year?”

Guy replies, “Yes actually, my wife and I are going to Italy.”

Barber says, “Why you going there? It’s rubbish!”

Guy says, “Well, the weather is supposed t...

A guy goes with his girlfriend to stay at her parents’ house for the holidays

The couple live in the city and the parents live on a farm. The boyfriend is unused to the quiet country life and after a couple of days he’s pretty bored. His girlfriend’s father comes in and says “Hey young fella if you’re looking for something to do, why not take the dogs out for a bit of hunting...

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

I’m ready for a holiday.

Paddy says to Mick,
“I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant, last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks,
"So what are you going...

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "W...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada…

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottis...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

A Scottish guy goes on holiday in Canada

He befriends a local at the bar. As they are stumbling home he sees a gigantic animal across the road. "Whats that?" he slurs.

"Oh that's just a moose."

"Och! If that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"

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Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned.

Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.

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A rich guy goes on holiday

A millionaire decides to go on a touring holiday in Ireland. He drives around the beautiful, lush green countryside in his new Rolls Royce. Eventually he needs some petrol so he pulls in to a tiny petrol station in the middle of nowhere.there is only one ancient, hand operated petrol pump. The owner...

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

Putin decreed that all time zones in Russia be unified.

After this had occurred, the Prime Minister approached him.

*"Dearest Putin, I had a problem. I called my relatives in the east to wish them good night, and they told me they were on the beach enjoying the sun."*

*"And then I called my family in Kaliningrad to wish them a happy holiday...

BREAKING News: Government declares Halloween a nationwide statutory holiday. All workers eligible.

For the first time ever, Halloween will be staffed by a skeleton crew!

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My wife and I were going on holiday..

And we were discussing our secret sexual fetishes. She said she always wanted to be handcuffed.

So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase..

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Holiday experience.

I went to bed with 2 girls from Thailand last night.

It was amazing, it was like winning the lottery.

We had six balls between us.

My wife found a cute baby skunk on our holiday

She wanted to bring it home. I told they won't let her take it on the plane, she'd need to hide it down her panties.

"But what about the smell?" She asked.
"Well," I said, "If it dies it dies."

My suitcases overheard me saying I can’t afford a holiday this year.

Now I have emotional baggage.

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So I Went To Japan On A Holiday

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

In 1996, Peter was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.



He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in...

Holy Holiday

Jesus, Mary and the Holy Ghost try to plan a vacation.

Holy Ghost: "Let's go to Lourdes!"

Mary: "Oh, let's not. The people there will recognize me and fall to their knees, that's like work! So what about Jerusalem?"

"No", says Jesus. "I had a really bad experience there! How abo...

A photon went on holiday.

When checking in at the airport...

Check In agent. "Do you have any luggage sir?"

Photon. "No, I'm travelling light"

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Holiday scams

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People...

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

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What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?

*Erection day!*

#Go out and vote today!!!

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions

"Name?"

"Hans Schmidt"

"Age?"

"32"

"Place of birth?"

"Dusseldorf"

"Occupation?"

"No, jus...

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I’ll tell you what, never again.

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What is a neutrino’s favorite holiday song?

“Have Yourself a Very Little Rest Mass.”

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

Holiday

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. ~~~He c...

Arnold's favorite holiday

They asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favorite holiday was - to which he replied: "I still love Easter baby!"

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A group of engineering students and their professor were given free airline tickets to go on a holiday...

Once they boarded the plane, the captain announced that they would be flying on a plane that the students had built.

Every one of the students panicked and left the plane, except for the professor. When the flight attendant asked the professor why he hadn't left the plane too he responded "I...

You know what's the favourite holiday song in Wales?

All I Want For Christmas is Ewe

An American couple are on holiday traveling through Wales

On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town’s name.

They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the cashier, “Befor...

My daughter just said," I hope you're going to shave off that mustache before the holiday, it's embarrassing."

I was shocked, as that's the bravest thing anyone has ever said........ TO MY WIFE!!!!.

"My wife went on holiday to the tropics with her friends." I commented.

"Jamaica?" My mate asked.

"No, she went of her own accord."

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Holiday Dinner

A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup." On seeing the two large matzoh balls in the soup, the gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the Je...

Holiday vacation

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I hate this time of year. My wife and I can never agree on the holidays," he complains to the bartender. "I want to travel to exotic places and stay in 5-star hotels." "That sounds fun. What does she want to do?" the bartender asks. "She wants to come with ...

Hey guys, just wanted to wish you all happy holidays.

Reddit is filled with ready-made messages that you don't even read, you just copy and paste to every subreddit, I don't like that, I like writing from my heart. Our friendship, from the deepest to virtual, is very important to me and couldn't ever be represented by a cookie-cutter message from anywh...

Dave and Johnny were abroad on holiday.

One evening, they decided to visit a local bar.
"Be careful of scammers," warned their tour guide. "There's a lot of dishonest people in this neighborhood."

Dave shrugged and laughed. "Don't worry mate, I can always spot a liar."

They went to the bar. At the door, the bouncer stood ...

A passenger was travelling on holiday on a budget airline.

“Would you like dinner?” the cabin crew asked.

“What are my choices?”

“Yes or no.”

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

What's a superhero's favourite holiday destination?

Cape town

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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

Of all the holidays that jehova witnesses should celebrate...

... You'd think halloween would be it. Knocking on strangers doors, how could they pass that up?!

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "Ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?" The husband replied "A long time ago, a man was burie...

Anyone remember when a holiday somehow managed to impregnate a month!?

*Ya it looks like Christmas came in July!*

...





...yes I've not been invited to a party in years, why do you ask?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

What Canadian holiday is celebrated on May 1st?

Maple Fool's Day

Why did the cow go on holiday?

Because it had a wee calf!

A couple are on holiday on a pacific island...

When they arrive they hear a constant drum beat; the ask the taxi driver and he says "Drums must never stop!"

They get to the hotel and the drumming is still going, so they ask the cleaner and she says "Drums must never stop!"

The drums continue all night and the couple can't sleep. Ex...

A Dutchman and an Englishmen meet in a beach bar on holiday.

The Dutchman speaks hardly any English and the Englishman, inevitably, even less Dutch, but they still enjoy each other's company and knock back a few beers together. After a while the Englishman manages to get across a question: "what is it that you do for a living?"

The Dutchman says carefu...

A man went down from Chicago to the Key West for a holiday.

His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the gri...

My wife phoned me while she was on holiday.

"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?"

I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact."

"What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!"

I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

Where did the pen go for holiday?

He went to pencil-vania

Holiday Joke

An 79 year old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-seven years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “I’m sick of her fac...

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow...

Does anyone know how to delete the memory, from my memory foam mattress?

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!

Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

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It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful...

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Steve was on a walking holiday in the Irish countryside

He was about to cross an old stone bridge when a small man jumped out from behind a rock

“I’m the lucky Irish leprechaun” he said “and for finding me today I’ll grant you 3 lucky wishes”

Steve couldn’t believe his luck, so for his first wish he asked for a million pounds

“Grante...

My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the...

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A white man was on holiday in Jamaica

The man had recently gotten a tattoo on his penis. When it stretched out, it would spell «Anne», but it only said «Ae» when flaccid.

One day after he and his wife were done at the beach, he went to the public showers and saw a Jamaican with the letters «Wy» on his schlong.

«Does it sp...

Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.

At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "

The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays and a Joyous A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z to everyone.

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to ...

Holiday tip

This Thanksgiving, if you see 20 cars at your neighbor's house, and you're thinking about reporting them, go to the fridge and drink a big glass of milk.

Why? Milk is good for your teeth!

You know what else is good for your teeth?

Minding your own business.

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.

I think I sold my soul to Santa.

Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

Where do nuclear scientists go on their holidays

They go Fission...

The holidays are coming up, and I've set a New Years resolution for myself

1920x1080

A German Goes On Holiday

He Chooses France as His first destination and Jumps on a Plane. He reaches border patrol and hands his Passport over; The guy working at the booth says to him


*"Nationality?"*
**"German"**
*"Occupation?"*
**"What? No, Silly, I'm Here on Holiday."**

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

Every time I go on holiday, my girlfriend gets pregnant.

In future I'm going to take her with me.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on their holidays.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. They packed colorful shirts, shorts, swim trunks and sandals, and each brought sunglasses.

The morning after they arrived, they went to the beach, wearing swim trunks and t-shirts. ...

A frog walks into the bank and asks for a 30000 dollar loan for a holiday

The teller is confused but introduces herself "hi I'm Patricia Whack". The frog says "hi I'm Kermit Jagger, my Dad is Mick Jagger I know the manager it is all good".

Patty explains that he will need some collateral for the loan. Kermit produces a small porcelain elephant, pink, two inches ta...

What’s something both hookers and Santa can say during the holidays?

It’s my busy season.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

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My wife hinted she was gonna give me sex coupons for the Holidays this year.

Guess i’m getting nutting for Christmas!

I was on holiday in Belgium...

Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

Gentrification on a holiday...

... is this a firework or a gun shot?

An husband and wife are on a holiday in Jerusalem

Unfortunately, the husband dies of a heart attack during the holiday.

The person from the funeral company says to the wife "We have two options- we can bring his body back home to the US, but because of the flights et cetera, it will cost you an expensive $10,000. Or we can go with the nice, ...

What do grumpy sheep say during the holidays?

Baa, Baa, humbug.

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays...

Free of charge

What is an Elephant’s favorite holiday?

9/11 because they never forget!

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

I need a 6 month holiday.

Twice a year ..

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

A couple is new in town and goes to a local holiday party

The wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

A one liner for the holiday, say no to drugs...

Everybody says that you should say no to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She told me, “ I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

A Holiday Story

Back in the 1970s an Alaskan lawyer found out he had a long lost cousin in Czechoslovakia. In letters, the Czech mentioned he always wanted to see Alaska, so they arrange for him to come for a visit over the Christmas break.

While he's there the Alaskan takes him for a hike through the woods....

Happy holidays?

As a man who was raised Muslim I don't want to be ambiguous and say happy holidays to people.

I say happy Allah-days.

Let them know which side of the war on Christmas I'm on.

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An Eskimo goes to New Zealand on a holiday

He hires a car to drive around but barely 100km into the journey his car breaks down ,he gets it towed to a mechanic on advice from the rental place, the mechanic pops the hood and says
“I see your problem here looks like you’ve blown a seal”, and the Eskimo replies angrily “at least I don’t fuc...

So three friends met up for the holidays,

The first two are waiting on the third when one says to the other:

"Hey, I made you a song for Christmas!" and then starts beat-boxing this amazing tune. It's got great rhyme & rhythm, and the other guy is blown away.

A little later the third friend shows up, and the second one sa...

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Where do bears go for winter holidays?

Hiber-Nation

The postman told me he was going on holiday to spain tomorrow

I asked if he was going to parcelona

I told my friend that my girlfriend went on holiday to the west indies.

He said "Jamaica"...

I said, "No, she went of her own accord." I then added, "For her next holiday, she's off to one of the coldest states in America."

He said "which one"

I said "Alaska".

He said, "don't bother. I'll ask her, myself."

Taking Your Bird on Holiday

What’s the most convenient bird to take in hand luggage when flying?




A carrion crow.


I’ll see myself out.

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

Why do the ferris wheel and the merry-go-round never go on holiday together?

Because they travel on different planes!

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