They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Its 1938 and a German officer went to France for a holiday.

At the border the French staff looked at his papers and asked : "Occupation? "

The German replied: "No, no, no, just visiting this time"

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

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A man goes on holiday to Spain and walks into a restaurant.

As he sits down, he looks up at the specials board. When the waiter comes over he asks, “Excuse me, what are *Huevos de Toro*?”

“Ah, this is one of our rarer specials”, replies the waiter. “They are the testicles of a bull that was killed in the ring today.”

The man orders the testicle...

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

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My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’

That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.

Never again.

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

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"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

I've just come back from holiday in Cuba with stomach problems.

Doctors think it might be Castro-entiritus.

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Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her “On what day will I die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler.

“Any day,” she replied, “on any day which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”

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A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This...

Husband and wife go on a holiday in Jerusalem.

His wife has an accident and dies.

The guide explains to her husband the possibilities for her funeral:

- It would cost you $ 5000 to send her home or $ 150 to bury her here.

"I think I'm going to choose the first option," said the husband

- Why? You can make a beautiful ...

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A groom walks into a tattoo shop while on holiday in Jamaica.

To show his love, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. After finishing getting his tattoo, he notices a Jamaican man with the same letters W-Y tattooed on his penis.
<...

What’s a cowboy’s favorite holiday?

Y’alloween

My wife told me today was her favorite holiday,

but I corrected her, Easter is tomorrow, Stupid. lol.

I recently went on holiday to Europe after studying languages when I was younger...

It's turns out my German has gone from Bath to Sausage

Do You know why there's religious holidays but no scientific holidays?

Because science always works

A postman is going on holiday

A postman is going on holiday. He has a good relationship with a homeowner along his route and decides to let him know about his upcoming absence. During work hours, he arrives at the man's home and chaps on the door and after a few moments he opens it.



"Hey there, what have you got f...

A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...

"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"

"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".

A parishioner who only attends church on holidays is leaving church after Easter mass.

The preacher is standing at the door to shake hands. He grabs the parishioner by the hand and pulls him aside. “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” the pastor tells the parishioner.

The parishioner replies, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, pastor.”

The pastor questions, “Then ...

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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays.

Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill ...

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

How did my friend get into my house while I was on holiday?

He went intruder window.

3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed

In the morning the following conversation takes place.

Man on left: “I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.”

Man on right: “No way, I also had a dream about that as well!”

Man in middle: “That’s funny I had a dream I was skiing.”

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A family enters a hotel for their holiday, the father goes up to the receptionist and says: "I hope the porn here is disabled.”

To which the receptionist replies: “It’s just regular porn, you sick man!”

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

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My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

What's Mike Tyson's favorite holiday?

Boxing day!

What’s Thanos’ favourite holiday?

Ash Wednesday

To all my friends this holiday season, if you're going to be drinking, please don't drive.

The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

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A Chinese man goes on holiday in Paris, and goes to convert his yuan into euros.

He stops at a currency exchange near the hotel he's staying at, and gets 500 euros in exchange for 4000 yuan.

The next week, he goes back to the currency exchange and exchanges another 4000 yuan to euros, but only gets 495 euros this time.

"Why is it only 495 euros today? You gave me 5...

It was Christmas time, and the judge was feeling a little benevolent and filled with holiday spirit.

“What exactly is the charge?” he asked counsel.



“The man standing before you is charged with doing his Christmas shopping early.”



“Shopping early?” the judge replied. “Well, what’s wrong with that?”



The prosecutor replied, “He was doing his shopping befo...

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My GF loves sex during the holidays

This is by far the worst postcard I've got from her.

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My girlfriend finds sex on holiday much more fun

I think so, anyway. It was difficult to read the postcard

In the United States, tomorrow is a Federal Holiday

and the government is supposed to be closed for a day.

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"Where's our son?" asked my wife, as soon as she returned back from holiday.

"Which one?" I asked.

She said, "The one with acne. Where is he?"

I said, "Oh...I, er..."

"You what?"

"I kicked him out."

She yelled, "What the fuck? He's thirteen, why the hell would you kick him out?"

"You said you wanted the house to be spotless when you ...

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Over the holidays, I'm participating in a pro-life bake sale

We'll be selling cups of uncooked batter and insisting they're actually cupcakes

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Moshe is looking to go on holiday by himself...

He decides to go to Prague and sees a brochure for a tour of the Bohemian Forest. He arrives and gets his own personal tour guide. As they are hiking through the forest, they come across two large black bears. The guide tells him to be quiet and not move and the bears should be on their way. Mos...

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

In Bulgaria we have three holidays

Christmas, New Year and everyday.

A German goes on holiday to France. He gets to passport control and the woman asks "Occupation?"

"No, just visiting." Said the guy.

The french never go on holidays

They only go on retreats

The story of the tramp and the holiday

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h...

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

Aparently 30% of males go on a diet before going on holiday. I cheated

And just took a fat girlfriend to the beach

A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i‘s...

Cyclops (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn’t it, Linda?

A Holiday Story

Back in the 1970s an Alaskan lawyer found out he had a long lost cousin in Czechoslovakia. In letters, the Czech mentioned he always wanted to see Alaska, so they arrange for him to come for a visit over the Christmas break.

While he's there the Alaskan takes him for a hike through the woods....

My friend just came back from his holiday to the coldest place in the universe.

He told me it was 0K

My wife came back from her holiday with the girls.

"How have you been?" she asked.

I said, "I spent a week in bed with flu."

"Oh, that sounds terrible," she replied.

I said, "Or her name might have been Flo."

My friend asked me what I did in Rome during my holiday

I said “Roaming around”

My wife told me if I went on the lads holiday to Vegas leaving her and the kids behind I’ll come home to find the locks changed

Good. My key has been sticking for months, it’s about time she did some DIY.

There's a holiday for me every week.

But my parents still don't celebrate Sunday.

What is a nocturnal bird's favorite holiday?

Owloween

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

My friend is an arms dealer. He has a Holiday sale right now where he's selling explosives for $1 each

It's a bang for your buck.

My wife and I can never agree on holidays

I want to fly to exotic places and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

I usually spend holidays at the brothel

I don't have any family in town, so I might as well make some money.

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TIL when baking for the holidays...

Don’t google creampies. Instead google cream pie recipes.

Only amateurs gain weight during the holidays

Us, professionals gain weight during the entire year.

An Original Holiday Joke

What do you call it when a wife is required to give her husband a BJ on Thanksgiving?

A gobligation.

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My wife's been telling me lately about how sex is so much more exciting on holiday

It's driving me nuts, she keeps sending me postcards

On holiday in Moscow, my mother told me told me to set an early alarm or I would have to rush.

I told her not to worry because if I'm Russian, soviet.

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It's really feeling Christmassy at the Holiday Inn where I'm working...

I just to some pregnant woman and her husband to "fuck off, we're full"

What is a neutrino's favorite holiday song?

"Have yourself a very little rest mass."

They're having a holiday party for the Erectile Dysfunction Society.

Nobody can come.

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

Times are tough and I wanted to make some easy extra cash for the holidays, so I took on a part time job as a postman. However, I quit on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver...

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

What do you call it when a person sees a Christmas-themed commercial and then goes on a rant about the over-commercialization of the holiday?

An Ad Vent!

Two Irishmen on Holiday

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.

"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never m...

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

Little Susie spent the summer holidays on a pony farm in the Cotswolds

Back home, she asked,

"We all live together just like the animals, don't we, Mummy?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"So I'm just like a little foal?"

"Yes, dear. You could put it like that."

"And you, Mummy, you're practically the beautiful mare?"

...

Me: The mail man told me he was going on holidays to spain...

...so i asked was he going to Parcelona and he continued to ignore what I believe was my best joke of the year.

Dad: Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman joke is the delivery

Christmas is the present holiday.

(Yes, that's a pun.)

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

Family coming for holidays always make me thankful...

....that alcohol is cheap and legal.

If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do?

Fly, *you fools*.

I always look forward to the holidays on Reddit

to see who wins the repost wars.

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It's a well-known fact that Hitler

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful ...

Starting salary.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what ...

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A girl decides to take her boyfriend on holidays along with her family

During the night, the girl decides to sleep in the upper part of the bunk, and his little brother decides to sleep on the lower part.

A few minutes later, her boyfriend arrives at the room. So, the girl and her boyfriend start to kiss and touch on the upper part of the bunk while her little b...

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

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Two married ladies go for a girly holiday to the Carribbean

They meet a handsome muscular black man on the first day.

They have a wild week of threesomes and parties, and on the last day the ladies say we never asked you your name.
He replies "my name is snow"
The ladies immediately burst out laughing.
The man looking rather upset asks why t...

What do all the Female Reindeer do when Santa takes the crew out to deliver presents? (NSFW)

They go into town and blow a few bucks. ;)

Happy holidays everyone! Wish you all good health & wealth in the New Year!

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks. Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough each contained quite a few phones. "What a...

I went to Spain for a holiday (Long)

and on the Sunday everyone went to the biggest restaurant in town. We went there too. The food was really good but during the meal I heard a drum roll.

The kitchen doors opened and the chef and maitre d marched out with a huge cloche. The locals all went quiet as they paraded this cloche arou...

What is the best part about holidays in the USA?

No school shootings

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.

The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "Ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?" The husband replied "A long time ago, a man was burie...

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A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to t...

My brother proposed to his girlfriend while on holiday. I called to congratulate them...

...but they were engaged.

Why didn't they make today a national holiday to signify the first moon landing?

Because everyone hates moon days.

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

An American on holiday wished to tour rural Ireland.

While in a pub he witnessed an old man at a table by a window weeping quietly with his pint untouched. Moved by the sight of the old man the American approached him and asked if he may sit with him. Without taking his gaze away from the window the old man absently gestures for him to have a seat. Th...

A total Dad joke I heard this holiday.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

Sorry Reddit :-)

A woman on holiday was stung by a jellyfish...

She yells to her husband and says "I was stung by a jellyfish, you need to pee on it."

The husband runs over to the jellyfish and pees on it saying "that's for stinging my wife."

It's official Trump's inauguration date is now a National Holiday.

At least I assume so because the government shutdown for it.

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Holiday rocks

Holidays in Amsterdam: have sex and get stoned.

Holidays in Saudi Arabia: have sex and get stoned.

I tried bringing some shrooms on holiday with me in my hand luggage...

...I couldn't in the end as I didn't have mushroom.

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Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

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