My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...

"That's probably why they got flowers then..."

Three men from Austin, Texas were on a skiing holiday.

They had just trekked to the top of the mountain when they heard a rustling in the trees nearby.
All of a sudden Medusa burst out of the foliage.
“Who dares disturb me!” She roared

The men shielded their eyes, except for one.
“Steve!” One of the men cried, “Close your eyes”
...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya...

...after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found ...

A frog walks into the bank and asks for a 30000 dollar loan for a holiday

The teller is confused but introduces herself "hi I'm Patricia Whack". The frog says "hi I'm Kermit Jagger, my Dad is Mick Jagger I know the manager it is all good".

Patty explains that he will need some collateral for the loan. Kermit produces a small porcelain elephant, pink, two inches ta...

Pavlov's dogs have started a charity for the holidays...

It's called "The Salivation Army"

What do you call two spices saying hello to each other during the holidays?

Seasons greetings

I had a vision of a disaster. I'm going to die in a car crash on the way home from holiday today, along with my friend and girlfriend. On the bright side, we all lived blessed lives and will be going to heaven. St. Peter, of course, still mans the gates, and gives us a warm welcome. There's ducks.

He explains that in heaven, we have limitless paradise and can do anything our hearts desire, but that there's only one rule we must obey. "You see, God made all creatures with love, but he kinda loves ducks the most. They're his absolute favorite creature."

We can tell. There's ducks *everyw...

A German Goes On Holiday

He Chooses France as His first destination and Jumps on a Plane. He reaches border patrol and hands his Passport over; The guy working at the booth says to him


*"Nationality?"*
**"German"**
*"Occupation?"*
**"What? No, Silly, I'm Here on Holiday."**

Husband and wife are putting up Holiday decorations

when husband offers to hang the wreath. “But sweetums, you are inept and you have no tools,” says the wife. Husband shrugs and goes to Lowe’s to buy a hammer. He walks past a display for the new, Elf Steam Multi-Tool. The marketing was brilliant and it had a drill, three saws, and a sander - all wor...

What’s the most popular holiday dessert in Alabama?

Pump-kin pie.

A guy goes to a New Year’s Day party. There are hundreds of people, holiday music is playing.

A few groups of people are playing cards. Others are shooting billiards. Yet another group is sitting around a warm fire telling stories. Everyone seems to be having a wonderful time. Realizing he is hungry, the man gets in a large queue and starts chatting with an old friend. After many minutes ...

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This holiday season I'm just looking for a nice girl. A girl-next-door type who is just sweet, caring, smart, and funny...

Someone I can laugh with, you know? Someone who is there for me. Just a kind, and loving individual with absolutely massive tits. Is that so much to ask for?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I missed the holiday for premature ejaculators this year.

I think it came early.

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays and a Joyous A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z to everyone.

The CDC recommends that funeral gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

Funeral proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year....

I am now dealing with emotional baggage.

Where did the pen go for holiday?

He went to pencil-vania

Where do flies go for a holiday?

Flywaii
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me that “sex is better on holiday”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever gotten

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?

Canadian: That's a moose!

Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?

What does Trump have in common with winter holiday decorations?

Both can fu k off in January.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A white man was on holiday in Jamaica

The man had recently gotten a tattoo on his penis. When it stretched out, it would spell «Anne», but it only said «Ae» when flaccid.

One day after he and his wife were done at the beach, he went to the public showers and saw a Jamaican with the letters «Wy» on his schlong.

«Does it sp...

The CDC advises practicing social distancing during the holidays

That is why I didn't call my mom this year

Why didn't the astronaut go on holiday to the binary solar system?

It was two sunny.

My favorite holiday song is the one about the medieval warriors. One of them doesn't talk and the other's armor is falling apart.

Silent Knight, Holey Knight.

Holiday tip

This Thanksgiving, if you see 20 cars at your neighbor's house, and you're thinking about reporting them, go to the fridge and drink a big glass of milk.

Why? Milk is good for your teeth!

You know what else is good for your teeth?

Minding your own business.

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

I'm planning a camping holiday but, I have to say, I'm far from impressed with my travel insurance.

It turns out if someone steals my tent in the night, I'll no longer be covered.

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".

Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

I always listen to Neil Diamond during the holidays.

He’s got sweet carol lines.

I need a 6 month holiday.

Twice a year ..

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

This will be the first year my family and I won't be spending the Christmas holidays in the Bahamas because of covid.

Usually it's because we're poor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to a sex therapist...

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," an...

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

After 25 years away, a man comes back to his home country for the holidays.

He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.

All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers...

A Canadian visits a small church while on holiday in Scotland.

The Canadian is intrigued by the intricately carved pulpit and, being something of a history buff, would like to know more about it so approaches the little old vicar.

"Excuse me sir, would you be so kind as to tell me what the pulpit is made of?"

"Aye. Wood."

"You would?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time we go on holiday the wife gets pregnant..

Fuckin’ takin’ her with us next year!

Where does a herb garden go on holiday?

Bazil

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two male friends decide to spend their holiday together

They don't have a lot of money so they decide to rent a small room for them both. Unfortunately the only one available has only one double bed.

After all they are close friends and know each other since pre-school. A couple of nights in the same bed is not a problem.

One night after pa...

Why are there Religious holidays but no Scientific holiday?

Because Science always works.

A joke for Australians

The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the bogan's place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, Bogan. Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the Bogan. "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just s...

Jack decided to go skiing with his best buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

There is a Spanish family on holiday in England

When they are in England, the trains are packed and everyone is drunk and half naked. Everywhere is mayhem and the little Spanish boy is confused why. "Dad, why is everyone celebrating, is there an event or something happening?" The dad replies, "The sun has come out."

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

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An Eskimo goes to New Zealand on a holiday

He hires a car to drive around but barely 100km into the journey his car breaks down ,he gets it towed to a mechanic on advice from the rental place, the mechanic pops the hood and says
“I see your problem here looks like you’ve blown a seal”, and the Eskimo replies angrily “at least I don’t fuc...

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

Growing Up

My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now ...

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A group of Engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday

Once on the plane the Captain
announced that they were on the plane the
students had built. Everyone freaked out and
rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher
who stayed there with calm. When the flight
attendant asked why he hadn't left he
responded "I know the abilities of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John Cooper Clarke's hairdresser joke, slightly paraphrased.

A man is at the hairdresser and makes conversation.

The hairdresser asks him "You going anywhere for your holidays?"

The man says, "Me and my wife are going to Rome".

"Why do you want to go to Rome?"

"I love Italian food".

"Well, it's all fish and chip shops in Rom...

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?”

Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

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There was an italian couple that went in Spain for holidays. A typical plate in Spain are the balls of the bull. They went in a restaurant and ordered them.

When the plate camed there were some little balls. So they asked the waiter why they were that small.
He said: it don't always pass good for the bullfighter.

My neighbour has a fetish for holidays

I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

I was planning a holiday to America last year. I already had reservations.

Well, I was right.

Gentrification on a holiday...

... is this a firework or a gun shot?

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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

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I once went to Michigan for Holiday.

Fuckers stole the punchline. Can’t have shit in Detroit.

A man returns from an exotic holiday and is feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo some tests.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we have found you have an extr...

A German man went to France for holiday.

France border staff: "occupation?"

German: "No, no, no, just visiting."

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19

Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

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Winter in the Caribbean

Two women go on holiday in the Caribbean. They meet an attractive black man and both woman decide to have a threesome with him. Next morning during breakfast one of the woman ask the man his name. He replies, “ My name is Snow”. The other woman starts laughing. Confused, Snow asks, “What’s so funny?...

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom.

I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.



He said, "I'm packing."



"Fuck off," I replied. "It's only about four inches."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(OC) Mother's day is a mother loving holiday.

But Father's day is a mother-fucking holiday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two ladies go to the Caribbean on holiday

They meet a young muscular guy at the hotel bar.
After a week of adventurous sex they ask the young man for his name.
He replies I'm called Snow
The ladies start laughing and say, our husbands will never believe us when we tell them we had 10 inches of Snow in the Caribbean

Why can’t software developers distinguish between Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25

(hint: octal and decimal are numerical bases 8 and 10 respectively, happy holidays!)

I was home alone, staying with a friend, on holiday in Germany when the phone suddenly rang...

“I am the viper. I am coming in three days.”
I thought it was a prank call, so gave it no thought. I laughed at the peculiarity and hung up.
The next day, I was alone in my friend’s house again, when the phone rang for a second time.
“I am the viper. I am coming in two days.”
This time, ...

If Valentine’s Day is for couples what holiday is for single guys?

Palm Sunday.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season...

... Please don't be jealous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman’s at her hairdresser’s, and she says, “I’m going to Rome on holiday.” He says, “Oh really, what airline are you taking?” She says, “Alitalia.” He says, “Alitalia, are you crazy? That’s terrible, don’t take that.”

He says, “Where are you gonna stay?” She says, “I’m gonna stay at The Hassler.” “The Hassler! What, are you kidding? They’re renovating the Hassler. You’ll hear hammering all night long. You won’t sleep. What are you gonna see?” She says, “I think I’m going to try to go to the Vatican.” “The Vatican...

Taking Your Bird on Holiday

What’s the most convenient bird to take in hand luggage when flying?




A carrion crow.


I’ll see myself out.

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her

“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.

So I went to Iraq for holidays...

And I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me back home...
Knowing that I can't trust anyone I wanted to kill myself.
So I called the suicide hotline...
They got excited and asked me if I can drive a plane.

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

What is Arnold Schwarzenegger's favourite holiday?

Have t' love Easter baby

Covid-19 is like client requirements...

This virus is like a client requirement. It keeps mutating regularly and a major change comes in just when you are about to go on holidays.

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Just came back from holiday in Thailand....

.......and I was so close to shagging a lady boy!!


Looked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady........ It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage in one try I thought to myself, "Hang on a fucking moment..."

Anytime I have an anniversary, birthday or holiday I am reminded of the biggest joke of all

My life

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A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

An old man was driving his old Fiat in the Italian countryside, when the car broke down

He pulled over to the side, and called for a tow truck. While he was waiting, this guy in a Ferrari, who must have felt very generous that day, stopped and asked if he needed any assistance.

“It’s okay, the tow truck will be here soon,” the old man told him.

But the guy with the Fe...

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

Why is Easter the most popular Klingon Holiday?

Because it is a good day to dye.

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Everybody was making fun of my friend at a party

Everyone was making fun of my friend at a party I went to over the holidays. They all kept going into graphic detail about how they saw him fucking a dead dog by the railroads the other night. I mean they were really laying into this guy, and you could tell that he was starting to get really embarra...

A group of 5 college freshmen are going away for holiday by train when they runs into another group of 5 seniors that are taking the same train.

Both groups goes into the ticket booth. The freshmen purchased 5 tickets while the seniors only purchased 1 ticket for the entire group. Puzzled, the freshmen ask the seniors why the other four of them doesn't have any tickets. The seniors simply say: you will see.

On the train when the train...

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just said ' its funny how sex is always better on holiday’

I’ll be honest it’s not the nicest postcard I’ve ever received

What holiday celebrates the rising of dough?

Yeaster.

I’m furious. My holiday is ruined! I’ve decided to sue the airline that lost my luggage.

My lawyer said that I don’t have a case.

If Mother's Day is for mothers, Father's Day is for fathers, and Valentine's Day is for lovers, what holiday is for single men?

Palm Sunday

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter holiday

When he returns to California his friend says to him, ”Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replied **[in Arnie voice]**: ”Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt. He put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find a...

9 of the top 10 days to give birth fall between Sept. 9 and Sept. 20. Given that pregnancies last an average of about 38 weeks, this means many people are conceiving in December, around the holidays.

In other words, if you can't afford to give presents, get f**ked.

After all these years I was finally able to hang my brother

s stocking on the mantle! Happy Holidays!

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I went to Japan on holiday,

and I had a very close online Japanese friend I met on a Guitar Hero forum, and we arranged to meet up.

I thought he was a guy, but then this really cute girl with short, brown hair shows up, easily a 9/10. She's called Nao and even though it's the first time we had met in real life, we get a...

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Mark Zuckerberg's car hit a guy's car

Guy (angry) : Do you know who I am?

Mark : Yes, you are Scott Thomas, you have 237 friends out of which 37 are females and your wife doesn't know 12 of them. Last holiday you went to Thailand and there you . . .

Guy : Leave it bro, it was my...

What is China's favorite holiday?

Tanksgiving.

Golf Hooker

A man became an avid golfer. So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.

As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in ...

Never bother a gangster the night before he goes on holiday

He's probably packing

What’s a plumbers favorite holiday?

Sinko De Mayo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family enters a hotel for their holiday, the father goes up to the receptionist and says: "I hope the porn here is disabled.”

To which the receptionist replies: “It’s just regular porn, you sick man!”

A mathematician walks into a pub on Halloween.

The bartender hands him a menu with all of the holiday specials. The mathematician orders a “pumpkin porter.” When he finishes it, he orders a “witch’s brew.”

Later, he orders a pint of “Santa stout.” After paying his tab, the mathematician leaves.

An old guy sitting at the end of the...

An American is on holiday in Ireland, and while there he wants to play some golf

So he goes to the closest golf club and says "I'd like to play some golf, but have nobody to play with. Would anyone here like to play?"
A man walks up and says "I'll play with you. I'll meet you here at 9 am, but I could be half an hour late."

So the American turns up the next morning a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, how was your holiday in Africa?"

"Don't remind me," says the other, "I very nearly got myself killed!"



"Go on, what happened?" he asks.



"Well, I was hiking in the savannah when a lion appeared out of the blue and started chasing me. I ran for my life, but the lion kept getting closer and then just as i...

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