I called the doctor and said, “Hurry! My wife’s going into labour! What must I do?”

The doctor said, “is this her first child?”

I said, “no, this is her husband!”

A man and his wife who's in labour go to a hospital

Once they arrive the doctor tells them, "We have this new technology, that'll make the man feel the burden of child birth." They both agree, and the man gets hooked up to the machine. The man says "I don't feel anything," The doctor replies, "Maybe I should turn it up more." "I still don't feel anyt...

After a long labour, a doctor approaches the new mother and says

“Ma’am, I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. What would you like?” After quickly thinking it over, she responds, “I’ll have the bad news first doctor”.

The doctor replies, “We’ll, I’m not sure how to put this, and I’m sorry to have to tell you, your child has red hair”.

Relieved...

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

What do you call a dog working as a door salesman?

A labour-a-door

My wife just went into labour...

I think I'm gonna have a mid wife crisis.

Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.

In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.

In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.

And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.

A husband's wife is going into labour, so he decides to call 911...

Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.

Operator: Is this her first born?

Responder: No this is her husband.

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,

"Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith...

A revolutionary new product allows fathers to share a mother's pain during labour.

Mr Smith is happy to try it out and help his pregnant wife, and when the special day arrives, he tells the nurse to strap him up.

"Mr Smith, you are a very brave man. The machine has 10 settings, starting at the very manageable level 1, and going up to level 10, which will give you all of yo...

A woman goes into labour and her husband takes her to the hospital.

As she is laying in the hospital bed, the nurse tells her of a new type of technology that allows a percentage of her pain to be passed to the father of the child. They both agree, so start on 10% to be transferred.

However, the husband says he can feel nothing, and is willing for it to be tu...

During his wife's labour, the nurse came up to them and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

Dave said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."

A father-to-be was waiting anxiously outside the labour ward where his wife was delivering a baby.

A nurse came up to the man and said, 'You have a girl, but there's another one on the way, so come back soon.'

'Twins,' he thought, a little shakily. He went away and came back an hour later to be told that the second baby had been born, but there was still another on the way.

'Good gr...

A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour...

The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife was in the height of labour. Screaming in agony as I mopped her brow. She turned to me and grabbed my hand. Her face scrunched up and staring deep into my eyes, she let out a hiss and shouted, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!"

I smiled and calmly replied, "Well if you remember rightly, I wanted to do you up the arse but you said it'd be too painful"

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister wh...

A woman in labour is screaming at her husband.

He says "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass."

"But Nooo, u thought THAT MIGHT HURT!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman went into labour...

Just as the midwife was about to begin the delivery, the baby stuck it's head out and asked the midwife
" Are you my daddy?"
The astonished midwife was astounded and could only say
"No I'm not"
At this, the baby disappeared back inside.

The midwife called the nurse
The nurse ca...

A North Korean farmer is finally rewarded after fifty years of hard labour for the State

A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims

"Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the Democratic People's Republic, we would like to reward you with a car"

The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciatio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lady in labour shouting the usual shit.

"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

I can't understand what the fuss is about the Labour manifesto!

I'd give it full Marx.

OP is in labour.

Still can't deliver.

The Pain Machine

There was a married couple who have been trying to have kids for a while and they kept loosing their children during pregnancy.

This was her third pregnancy and her water breaks.

Her husband rushes her to the hospital as he can see his wife is in great pain.

Once they get the...

Labour pains vs getting kicked in the nuts

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always ma...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.


The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do ...

If a redditor who is going into labour posts an original content (picture) of her in the ward...

Is it polite to say "OP will deliver?"

Four expectant fathers.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,   while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man,   "Congratulations!   You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence!   I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and t...

How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?

She doesn't. She says Labour already screwed it up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. 

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-...

Trump asks for quotes...

... for building the wall. First he goes to a Mexican company. They do the calculations of material and labour and answer him that they will do it for 10 billion dollars. Second he goes to an American company which answers him they will build it for 20 billion dollars. Ofcourse it will be much bigge...

I’m crocheting some mittens for my daughter and the needlework is driving me mad.

Oh well, it’s a labour of glove.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

College pregnancy

A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick c...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A priest decides to do some community work.

After considering where he should travel to do this work, he decides to travel to the Nigerian desert and assist the farmers working there.

After several weeks providing physical labour to the farmers he asks if there is a more effective way to help them. The farmer replied to him "Father, it...

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...

The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vendin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

England: colour

America: color

England: flavour

America: Flavor

England: Labour

America: Labor

England: what the fuck are you doing?

America: getting rid of u

Entry level position available!

3 years forklift experience required

5 years general labour required

Class 5 drivers license required

2 years kitchen experience required

4 years retail services required

2 years hospitality services required

4 years janitorial services required

3 yea...

A man with no arms is in need of a job...

He lacks experience in the service industry but his missing arms severely limit his ability to perform manual labour. Everyday he goes out looking for work and everyday he comes back dejected.

One morning—while flipping through the classifieds with his toes—he comes across the following ad,...

Why is Hercules the most suitable midwife out of all the demigods?

Because he's already been through 12 labours!

Jim had a pregnant wife who was soon to give birth.

One day, he’s on his way home from work, when he gets the call that his wife has gone into labour. In a panic, he races to get to the hospital, but swerves his car and crashes into the ditch. When he wakes up, he finds himself in the hospital, with his brother Jack, an irascible practical joker, l...

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaini...

Dave's wife is pregnant

Dave: Push!

Wife: [in labour] I AM

Dave: push harder!!

Wife: I CAN'T

Dave: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A letter from a Penis

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark wor...

White House painting tender.

Donald trump wants to paint the white house. He calls for tenders from China, Europe and India.


Chinese guy quoted 3 million U$


European guy quoted 7 million U$


Indian guy quoted 10 million U$


Trump asked chinese guy, how did you quote 3 million..?" ...

What do females and capitalists have in common?

They both exploit the labour of men.

Do you know how Edam was invented?

One day a candle maker in Yorkshire was halfway through making a large batch of red candles.

He had been working without a break for many hours, so his wife bought him a plate of cheese for sustenance.

He was so keen to finish working he ignored the food and continued to be engrossed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Pete was complaining to his friend “my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor”.

His friend said “Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.”

Pete figured he ha...

Baby Confusion

An English, a Pakistani, and an Irish couple all simultaneously arrive at a hospital, all of the wives in the couple going into labour at approximately the same time. All of the babies were delivered healthily after fairly routine births but unfortunately, after placing the babies in their cradles, ...

I adopted a child from overseas...

I adopted a child from overseas.
To prevent him from working child-labour factories.
And on his very first birthday, we took him to build a bear workshop.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

None. The minimum age for physical labour in most places is 13-15 and babies would not be allowed to use the paint

Wife is going into labor

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital, where his pregnant wife is.

Doctor: Is this Mr.Smith?

Smith: Yes, what is the problem?

Doctor: Sir, your wife is in labour, get here immediately!

Smith races to the hospital, runs into the waiting room where the doctor is waiting.

Smith: Where is she? How is my baby?!

Doctor: She is okay sir,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Generic genie/wish joke

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
As if by magic, a genie appears and grants him one wish.
The man thinks for a moment then says " I want to live forever "
Sorry said the genie " I'm not allow...

A guy phones the local hospital and yells,

'A guy phones the local hospital and yells, 'You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!'

The nurse says, 'Calm down. Is this her first child?'

He replies, 'No! This is her husband!

Have you ever heard the story of how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree?

Once upon a time, three days before Christmas many years ago, Santa was sitting in his office. He was under a horrible amount of stress; the elves had just announced that they were forming a labour union, half the reindeer had hoof and mouth disease, and Mrs. Claus hadn't touched his candy cane in m...

Welcome to the conservative party

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I...

What is the difference between Scotland and a pregnant woman?

A pregnant woman is in Labour

The custody battle

A Man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get
custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said: "Your Honour!I carried the child for
nine months and brought the child into the world with pain and labour.She should be in my
custody". The judge turns to...

What do you call a group of Mexicans doing work?

Manuel labour.

Denise and what?!

A Jamaican women goes into labour for her expected twins. After delivering a healthy boy and girl she is so exhausted she passes out.

Some time later she wakes and asks the nurse to see her children so she can name them. The nurse replied saying that the women's brother had come in and named ...