The 92+ Best Period Jokes

Why do woman have such bad memories during their period?

Because one day bleeds into the next.

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table...

Because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

What’s the best thing about fingering a Gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

What's a pirate's favorite periodic element?

Gold. What would a pirate want to do with Argon?

Jokes about menstruation are inappropriate.

Period.

What do female potatoes use when they get their period?

Yampons.

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What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?

Bloody wanker

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

When do women in prison get their period?

At the end of their sentence.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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How do you confuse a historian?

Give them a tampon and ask them what period is it from.

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

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The periodic table says it's Bi,

But that's none of my bismuth.

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A kid dressed all in red rang my doorbell and said, "Trick or Treat!" I said to him, "dude Halloween was yesterday."

He replied "I know. I'm a period, I'm sorry I'm late."

Bloody twat earned all of my leftover candy.

Scientist has a pain that comes back periodically.

Keeps saying "aaaaah it Hertz"

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you int...

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

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I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into period sex

But she really isn’t budging on wearing a corset and talking dirty in Shakespearean English

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Tampax have announced a line of festive tampons…

It’s for the Christmas period only though

How can you tell that an email comes from a menopausal woman?

The message is one long sentence without periods.

Which historical period has the tidiest shirts?

The Iron Age

Dinosaur Fact

Towards the end of the Jurassic period, the Thesaurus was the first Dinosaur to become extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

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I've been having sex with an English teacher

She told me that proper use of the colon is a great alternative when a period is expected.

They say a missing period in a sentence makes a huge difference

But I say time served is time served.

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What is the closest thing to a womans period ?

Your salary.....

It comes once a month. Lasts between 5 to 7 days and if it doesn't come, you're fucked.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

It's my cake day, thought I'd share my favorite joke I like to tell

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament t...

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

what's 6.9

A period getting in the way of a good time

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

A honeymoon period ...

can be a real pain in the ass!

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

A farmer who raises donkeys goes out of town, leaving his wife alone at the farm

A neighbouring farmer, who desires an affair with her, takes advantage of the opportunity and seduces the wife while her husband is away.

The wife soon finds out that she is pregnant with the neighbour’s child, and after informing them of this they decide that it would be best to confess to ...

Have you read this book?

My brother recommended the book Romance of the Three Kingdoms about the collapse of the Han dynasty and he asked me if I had ever read it.

I said, "Sure, it is the best book on the period, Han's down."

I would tell a joke about the periodic table.

But sadly all the good ones argon.

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.

(Sorry for my english).

Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period?

Because they are ovary acting.

My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

Elements of the periodic table are being interviewed

The interviewer asks Oxygen what they are. Oxygen says "I'm a gas."

The interviewer asks Copper what they are. Copper says "I'm a solid."

The interviewer asks Bromine what they are. Bromine says "I'm a liquid."

The interviewer asks Roentgenium what they are. Roentgen...

What do you call a girl who is laughing on her period?

A happy cramper.

There was once a time period where musicians never made any money....

During the Baroque period.

What do you call it when a Volcano is on it's period?

Pyroclastic flow

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students

one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems'

She'll ovary act

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

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In Alabama, how can you tell when your sister is on her period?

Dad's cock tastes like nickels.

I periodically see my doctor and our conversations go like this...

Doc: your diet isn't great. Don't you think you should try to easy off on the salt?

Me: Na

Doc: you really should. You might develop respiratory issues and have trouble breathing.

Me: O

Doc: and try eating more fruits. They'll give you more vitamins and minerals

Me...

It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark

Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."

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My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

My girlfriend was addicted to period dramas, but now she's moved on to period soaps..

It's wonderful how fresh and clean the sheets are now!

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What's the difference between a biscuit tin and sex with a woman on her period?

One will give you a jammy dodger, the other will give you a jammy todger.

Why don't Jewish girls study on their period?

Concentration Cramps

Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?

Because it was the time of knights.

My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...

So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.

Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

It's an ovary action.

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

Suddenly, my roommate walked in on us. I was caught red-handed..

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I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.

I told her it was better than being in a comma.

If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

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Toilet Paper Miracle

Just found this joke in a pile of my late father’s belongings…

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a
su...

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

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Tampax starting early

Just seen the new Tampax advert,

They're replacing the string on all of their best selling tampons with tinsel.

Bit early in my opinion,

when its only for the christmas period.

A town was experiencing a drought period

So minister told parishioners to gather and pray for rain. Once they show up he starts yelling at them and criticizing them for lack of faith. "But we have faith, we are here!" somebody answers. To which minister angrily answers: "Where are your umbrellas then?"

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

"Have you decided on a costume for our Halloween party tonight?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've decided to come as a period," the guy replies. "I'll just show up late and scare the hell out of everyone."

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God created Adam and after a time God took a rib from Adam to create Eve

God says to Adam “I have taken your rib and from that I have created Eve, a woman. Adam, you are to love Eve.”
Adam asks God, “alright God, well what am I supposed to love Eve, a woman?”
God tells Adam “you can go and hold Eve’s hand, Adam. Here’s how.”
God explain how they should hold ha...

Classical joke for Christmas period.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Students in a college final exam were nearing the end of the testing period...

"All pencils down, turn in your tests, put them in a stack on my desk" ordered the professor to the class of 200 students.

Almost every student put their pencil down except for one student who was adding to their last answer. When the other students had handed in their tests the late student ...

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

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