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My wife has been trying to hide the fact that she's been masturbating while on her period.

But I caught her red handed!

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in..

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Classical joke for Christmas period.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

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My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

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I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic while she is on her period?

You get your palm red for free!

God thought long and hard what to name the period of time when the sun was not visible...

Finally, after many hours of trying different sounds and variations he named it night.

But when naming the opposite, he was exhaust and called it a day.

Period

“The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.



She was reluctant to call upon li...

What do you call Aussie girls an their period?

Bloody legends

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A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway.

She thinks to herself: "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything."

She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy there, takes him to the nearest hotel and they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning (the prostitute is already gone by then) and as he starts to g...

Why is it difficult to explain periods to blind people?

They don't see the point.

Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems'

She'll ovary act

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

Why do people hate their periods?

It really cramps their style

I just got my period while I was thrift shopping

It really cramping my style.

My wife missed her last 2 periods

She doesn't know when to stop.

6.9 is my worst and least favorite number

That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

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How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table?

Agagagagagagag

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

Students in a college final exam were nearing the end of the testing period...

"All pencils down, turn in your tests, put them in a stack on my desk" ordered the professor to the class of 200 students.

Almost every student put their pencil down except for one student who was adding to their last answer. When the other students had handed in their tests the late student ...

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

Why do women have periods?

Because they can't be questioned

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

Suddenly, my roommate walked in on us. I was caught red-handed..

What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?

Au revoir.

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

During the recent quarantine period, I built a model of Mount Everest.

It’s not to scale, just to look at.

Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period?

8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home.

What do you call an exhausted woman on her period?

Drained

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

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I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach

A biologist, a physicist, and a chemist go to the beach for the first time.

The biologist is amazed at the birds, the seaweed, the fish. He goes in the water for a closer look. Pretty soon the water is over his head. He drowns.

The physicist is mesmerized by the waves. The amplitude. ...

Periods aren't bad

Its just women's ovary acting

What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period?

Please stop Ovary-acting



[P.S.. i sure hope this hasn't been posted here before]

"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

Conversation between me and my wife during stay home period.

Her: Would you like anything to eat for dinner?




Me: What are my choices?




Her: “Yes” or “No”.

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Three nurses at a morgue find a dead man with...

**Disclaimer: I’m sorry**

Three nurses working at a morgue find a dead man with an erection.

The first nurse says, “Well, I can’t let that go to waste,” and rides him.

The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse nervously explains that she has her period but then ride...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

What was the least productive period of the USSR?

When their leader was Stalin for 30 years

Having your period on Valentine's day

Is a pain in the ass

What does a stuntwoman use when she’s on her period?

A crash pad

Have you heard the joke about the periodic table?

It’s Oxygen Potassium.

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Jenny gets her first period

Jenny gets her first period in the middle of class. Flustered and thinking her parents would be the best to tell her, the teacher sends her home.

While walking across a bridge crying, she comes across a boy who has skipped school.

Curious, he asks why she's crying.

"Oh, Johnny, ...

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

I told a girl that periods are no big deal

She ovary acted

Did you know that R. Kelly wanted to be a pro hockey player?

He was good at it too, but the only trouble was that he didn't want to score after the first period.

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

Vaginas are the best

PERIOD

How often do you make chemistry jokes?

Periodically

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period?

They say she has a mean flow.

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Magic Toiletpaper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet p...

PMS jokes are not funny..

Period!

Woman: I’m having the worst period ever

Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

If you get your period in prison

Is that the end of your sentence?

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3 nurses walk into a patient's bedroom only to find him dead.

The first nurse goes to check on him and notices that he had a massive erection so she tells the other nurses to give him a good send off by have sex with him. The first nurse does it and stops after getting tired. The second does the same and stops to share with the third nurse. The third nurse was...

My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass?

A bananosecond.

Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table.

But skips Oxygen.

Tried my best to translate an Indian joke

An indian politician was visiting a foreigner politician. He saw foreigner politicians had a big house and 2 luxury cars. He askes him how is it possible as the salary of a politician is not that much. Foreigner politician took indian politician on drive and said

"do you see this 10 lanes hi...

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

What did the vampire say to the teacher

see you next period

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

what do you call your wife's dedicated room while she's on her period?

Hell's Kitchen

Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them?

So they stay grounded.

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?



They both go three periods before taking a shower.



\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

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What is the difference between cunnilingus during a woman's period and breakfast?

The way the scrambled eggs taste.

(Only percussionists would get this) I play mallets in band class, and so periodically my teacher would see how I was doing.

I always pass the vibe check.

I’ll leave now.

Did you hear about the part-time chemist?

He only worked periodically.

What period of music should a starving musician be listening to?

Baroque

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"I want to prescribe you new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug"

"I prefer to hear bad news first".

"Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, etc."

"And good news?"

"You won't give a fuck."

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

What do you call british womans periods?

Bloody hell.

Do you want to know what I realized about Quiet Kids that are also Science Nerds?

They only speak periodically.

Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?

They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area". He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some enco...

a rich girl on her period told me to respect the drip

wasn't sure which one to respect

Just as I thought all the trick or treaters were gone for the night, a 12 year old boy came to my door dressed in all red....

Instead of saying trick or treat he told me “I’m your period, sorry I’m late”

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

The wife doesn't have a period

She has a goddamn exclamation point

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mother that she has missed her period for two months.

And this joke has been reposted 19 times.

My girlfriend left me this note saying she got her period early

. I got my period early

My friend drew a giant periodic table and tripped on number 10

He's fine, but he could have hurt his Neon that

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NSFW. Establishing Good Clear Communication is the Key to a Happy Marriage.

At his wedding reception the groom's uncle (who's had more than a few drinks) pulls the groom aside.

"My boy in this day & age I have pass along to you the benefit of my experience.
You know it's best to establish clear communication with your new wife. Cause once the honeymoon period ...

I found out my girlfriend was on her period while I was going down on her

Talk about having egg on my face!

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How do you know that your sister is on period?

Because your dad's cock has a different taste.

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