UPJOKE
yeartimenightseasoneradecadedaylifebronze ageweekcenturyepochtime periodfull stopperiod of time

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

what do you get when you finger a gypsy on her period?

Your palm red

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The periodic table says it's Bi,

But that's none of my bismuth.

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

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What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?

Bloody wanker

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

Scientist has a pain that comes back periodically.

Keeps saying "aaaaah it Hertz"

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I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into period sex

But she really isn’t budging on wearing a corset and talking dirty in Shakespearean English

Which historical period has the tidiest shirts?

The Iron Age

What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

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What is the closest thing to a womans period ?

Your salary.....

It comes once a month. Lasts between 5 to 7 days and if it doesn't come, you're fucked.

They say a missing period in a sentence makes a huge difference

But I say time served is time served.

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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was "Exposure to the Elements".

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

Want to hear a story of a woman who goes crazy every month?

Period. End of story.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

Santa Claus had started feeling like he was losing some of his mojo at one point...

... so in recent years, he had taken to periodically stopping during his annual Christmas Eve present run to take in words of wisdom from spiritual leaders from various backgrounds all over the world, hoping that someone could re-ignite that spark for him that made Christmas special.

Eventual...

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I was sitting in my new class one day.

I was sitting in my new class one day, waiting for the period to start, when this really hot girl walked in. She was looking at me throughout the whole period. So after class I decided to walk up to her and ask her for her number.

I was a bit ugly so she looked at me weird, but reluctantly s...

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

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Newlyweds were 69ing like crazy

When the door bell rang. The husband jumped up, not expecting company. He looks out the window and says, "shit, it's the mailman." His wife (who's on their period) just looks at him. He stares at her and says "look at my face, I can't go down there." She calmly replies, "just tell him you had a...

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

I would tell a joke about the periodic table.

But sadly all the good ones argon.

Why was 6.9 sad?

It’s a good time interrupted by a period.

How do you stop a period?

Unsubscribe.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

Elements of the periodic table are being interviewed

The interviewer asks Oxygen what they are. Oxygen says "I'm a gas."


The interviewer asks Copper what they are. Copper says "I'm a solid."


The interviewer asks Bromine what they are. Bromine says "I'm a liquid."


The interviewer asks Roentgenium what they are. Roentgen...

What’s the difference a hockey player and a hippie chick?

A hockey player showers after three periods

Hockey seems like a women's sport....

It has periods and the players wear pads.

My best friend fingered my girlfriend while she was on her period

He denied it, but I caught him red-handed.

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

There was once a time period where musicians never made any money....

During the Baroque period.

What do you call a girl who is laughing on her period?

A happy cramper.

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A young woman was pregnant with triplets, she was then shot three times

At the hospital, she asked the doctor if the bullets would affect her children.

"Not at all ma'am, the children should pass the bullets naturally in a few years" replied the doctor

Fast forward 13 years, and the triplets are all teens. One day, one of her daughters came to her and sa...

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period?

Because they are ovary acting.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students

one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

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How do you annoy an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period its from

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

I periodically see my doctor and our conversations go like this...

Doc: your diet isn't great. Don't you think you should try to easy off on the salt?

Me: Na

Doc: you really should. You might develop respiratory issues and have trouble breathing.

Me: O

Doc: and try eating more fruits. They'll give you more vitamins and minerals

Me...

It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark

Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."

Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems'

She'll ovary act

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

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In Alabama, how can you tell when your sister is on her period?

Dad's cock tastes like nickels.

What is a 6.9

Another great thing ruined by period.

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What's the difference between a biscuit tin and sex with a woman on her period?

One will give you a jammy dodger, the other will give you a jammy todger.

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My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

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International womens day is not an excuse for low effort sexist jokes.

Period.

What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period?

Please stop Ovary-acting

I once saw a drama about menstruation in the early 1800s

It was a period piece

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?

Because it was the time of knights.

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

A town was experiencing a drought period

So minister told parishioners to gather and pray for rain. Once they show up he starts yelling at them and criticizing them for lack of faith. "But we have faith, we are here!" somebody answers. To which minister angrily answers: "Where are your umbrellas then?"

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Three nurses doing the funny

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize sayi...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

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I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

Suddenly, my roommate walked in on us. I was caught red-handed..

Classical joke for Christmas period.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Three periods walk into a bar

and...

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What do you call breasts that can hold information for short periods of time?

Random Access Mammory.

God thought long and hard what to name the period of time when the sun was not visible...

Finally, after many hours of trying different sounds and variations he named it night.

But when naming the opposite, he was exhaust and called it a day.

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

If you get your period in prison

Is that the end of your sentence?

Woman: I’m having the worst period ever

Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

Why don't Jewish girls study on their period?

Concentration Cramps

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

Period

“The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.



She was reluctant to call upon li...

My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.

I told her it was better than being in a comma.

What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table?

Agagagagagagag

My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...

So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.

Why are females so moody when they're on their period?

It's an ovary action.

Wanna hear a period joke?

What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.

I pretty sure I just came up with this an original joke ...

A man venting to a couple who he is friends with at their local hangout about his wife, "She called me a misogynistic pig."
The couple who is listening, both look at each other before the female asks, "and how do you feel about what she said?"
He thinks about for a moment and says, "Ehh, she ...

Students in a college final exam were nearing the end of the testing period...

"All pencils down, turn in your tests, put them in a stack on my desk" ordered the professor to the class of 200 students.

Almost every student put their pencil down except for one student who was adding to their last answer. When the other students had handed in their tests the late student ...

Why do women have periods?

Because they can't be questioned

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Having your period on Valentine's day

Will be such a pain in the ass

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Jenny gets her first period

Jenny gets her first period in the middle of class. Flustered and thinking her parents would be the best to tell her, the teacher sends her home.

While walking across a bridge crying, she comes across a boy who has skipped school.

Curious, he asks why she's crying.

"Oh, Johnny, ...

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

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