UPJOKE
yeartimenightseasoneradecadedaylifebronze ageweekcenturyiron ageepochtime periodfull stop

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fe...

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Why do woman have such bad memories during their period?

Because one day bleeds into the next.

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

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What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?

Bloody wanker

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

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Sometimes I want to have sex when my girlfriend is on her period…

So I will lay a towel on the bed, and then lay her on the towel. And then I will go have sex with one of her friends.

-Dan Mintz from his album The Stranger

My girlfriend said period jokes aren't funny...

So I ended up throwing away 3 pages of jokes i had written about the Victorian era.

I've just bought a house with period features.

The girlfriend hates that nickname..

(NSFW) Did you hear about the rapper that only raps on her period?

She has a mean flow

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..

... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

My girlfriend had her period in prison last week.

They had to let her go, since periods go at the end of a sentence.

I went back to the Jurassic period to hide from 19th-century female novelists

But Brontesaurus

My Girl and I always fight when she's on her period

It's a vicious cycle.

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

What do female potatoes use when they get their period?

Yampons.

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

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I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into period sex

But she really isn’t budging on wearing a corset and talking dirty in Shakespearean English

What do you call it when a girl throws a tantrum during her period?

An ovary-action.

My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.

I told her it was better than being in a comma.

Today my mom saw me fingering myself on my period...

I guess you could say she caught me red-handed.

Why don't Jewish girls study on their period?

Concentration Cramps

Which historical period has the tidiest shirts?

The Iron Age

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

They say a missing period in a sentence makes a huge difference

But I say time served is time served.

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What is the closest thing to a womans period ?

Your salary.....

It comes once a month. Lasts between 5 to 7 days and if it doesn't come, you're fucked.

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A French Girl gets her Period

My friend's family is French.


His sister had this huge French flag for a bed sheet.


Then one night she got her period.


Imagine her shock when she woke up on the Japanese Flag.

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I am in the S&M period in my relationship

She sleeps, I masturbate.

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

A honeymoon period ...

can be a real pain in the ass!

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A wise constipated philosopher spoke about life after a period of deep contemplation

He said "shit happens and we must all be prepared"

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period?

Because they are ovary acting.

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

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What is a pirate's favorite element in the periodic table?

Gold. Why the fuck would a pirate need Argon?

Wife says "sorry I have my period".

I said "that's ok honey, that's what the colon is for"!

There was once a time period where musicians never made any money....

During the Baroque period.

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students

one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

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I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

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My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark

Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."

Wanna hear a period joke?

What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.

What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period?

Please stop Ovary-acting

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

My girlfriend was addicted to period dramas, but now she's moved on to period soaps..

It's wonderful how fresh and clean the sheets are now!

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

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What's the difference between a biscuit tin and sex with a woman on her period?

One will give you a jammy dodger, the other will give you a jammy todger.

Whys was the internet so obsessed with the song "Cotton-Eyed Joe" for a short period of time?

I mean, where did it come from where did it go?

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

Why was the cold war such a long period with little fighting?

Because the Russian President was Stalin.

Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?

Because it was the time of knights.

Classical joke for Christmas period.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet

One egg a month

A town was experiencing a drought period

So minister told parishioners to gather and pray for rain. Once they show up he starts yelling at them and criticizing them for lack of faith. "But we have faith, we are here!" somebody answers. To which minister angrily answers: "Where are your umbrellas then?"

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

Period

“The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.



She was reluctant to call upon li...

God thought long and hard what to name the period of time when the sun was not visible...

Finally, after many hours of trying different sounds and variations he named it night.

But when naming the opposite, he was exhaust and called it a day.

During the recent quarantine period, I built a model of Mount Everest.

It’s not to scale, just to look at.

My meth head friend told me drugs help him fit his whole day into a four hour period

"Take some more", I told him. "You could fit your whole life in one afternoon!"

Two sisters are talking & one of them starts complaining about being on her period and starts venting about boy problems...

Her sister condescendingly replies “You just have problems with men sis”

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

Women on their period always ovary act.

*insert pun here*

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Jenny gets her first period

Jenny gets her first period in the middle of class. Flustered and thinking her parents would be the best to tell her, the teacher sends her home.

While walking across a bridge crying, she comes across a boy who has skipped school.

Curious, he asks why she's crying.

"Oh, Johnny, ...

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

A period in a sentence can make a huge difference

Mikaela was surprised Robbie ate her sandwich


Mikaela was surprised Robbie ate her period

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My girlfriend said she wanted to have sex on her period because the orgasms are more intense. I said I was game for that.

Now we just have to wait a couple of years for her to have one.

I just got my period while I was thrift shopping

It really cramping my style.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

What's the difference between period blood and beach sand?

I can't gargle sand.

Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period?

8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home.

What's the difference between a cat and a period?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a period is a pause at the end of a clause.

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Mulan got her period in the midst of a battle...

Mulan was fighting in a gruesome battle when all of a sudden her period came. The blood had soaked through her pants and there was no way she could hide it.

 

*Oh no what if my comrades find out I'm a woman? They aren't just gonna punish me, but my father and family too!* She ...

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?

Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

What does a stuntwoman use when she’s on her period?

A crash pad

My wife said to me the other day "For the last time I am on my period and I am NOT getting into the water to swim!"

She totally ruined my shark fishing trip.

The Ukranian Soldier

A Russian general hears someone shouting from the woods - "One Ukranian soldier is better than ten Russian". The angry general sends ten men to deal with the annoying Ukranian. After a short period of shots and screams, another shout is heard - "One Ukranian is better than a hundred Russians". The g...

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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How do you know that your sister is on period?

Because your dad's cock has a different taste.

What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass?

A bananosecond.

What was the least productive period of the USSR?

When their leader was Stalin for 30 years

I found out my girlfriend was on her period while I was going down on her

Talk about having egg on my face!

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

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