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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?” The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

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My wife is an English teacher and said we couldn't have sex because of her period.

So I suggested we use her colon instead.

I would tell a joke about the periodic table.

But sadly all the good ones argon.

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

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What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?

Bloody wanker

A man recently died after a periodic table display fell on him...

The official cause of death was, "Exposure to the Elements".

There was once a time period where musicians never made any money....

During the Baroque period.

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

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I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students

one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"

The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life."

What do you call a girl who is laughing on her period?

A happy cramper.

My friend was repeatedly accused of fingering girls while they were on thier period.He denied it.

Eventually they caught him red handed.


(Sorry for my english).

So I was fingering this Gypsy girl while she was on here period...

I got my palms red for free!

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I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

My girlfriend said to me "I bet you can't go one day without making a joke about my period"

"You're on" I said.

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why do girls tend to make a big deal out of things when they are on their period?

Because they are ovary acting.

A very long time ago, the ancients struggled to come up with a term for a 24 hour period.

It got very late and they said "lets just call it a day".

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

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What's the difference between a biscuit tin and sex with a woman on her period?

One will give you a jammy dodger, the other will give you a jammy todger.

What do you say to a Lady who's acting up while on her period?

Please stop Ovary-acting

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess s...

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

My favourite element in the periodic table is ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQSTUVWXYZ

Or, as it's also known, R gone

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In Alabama, how can you tell when your sister is on her period?

Dad's cock tastes like nickels.

You know, I always liked period jokes.

The only thing is, the entrance is always bloody.

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark

Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

I periodically see my doctor and our conversations go like this...

Doc: your diet isn't great. Don't you think you should try to easy off on the salt?

Me: Na

Doc: you really should. You might develop respiratory issues and have trouble breathing.

Me: O

Doc: and try eating more fruits. They'll give you more vitamins and minerals

Me...

Why is the time period from 476 - 800 ad known as Dark Ages?

Because it was the time of knights.

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How do you piss of a female archaeologist?

Give her a used tampon and ask what period it came from.

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What do you call breasts that can hold information for short periods of time?

Random Access Mammory.

What’s sneezing on your period like?

Smacking the bottom of an open ketchup bottle.

A town was experiencing a drought period

So minister told parishioners to gather and pray for rain. Once they show up he starts yelling at them and criticizing them for lack of faith. "But we have faith, we are here!" somebody answers. To which minister angrily answers: "Where are your umbrellas then?"

If Edward Cullen ever went down on Bella during her period.......

......... Won't that be called dessert?

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My friend told me his wife said it's only anal for sex night due to her period.

He said he was in for the experience but didn't like the fact he couldn't sit properly for three days.

I was going to make a pun about Elizabeth the 1st's menstrual cycle...

But I don't like making period jokes, because not everyone gets them.

Three periods walk into a bar

and...

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

After years of dating. John and Gail decided to go ahead and get married.

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was welding some stuff in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke................. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you...

If anybody is alone during the festive period please don't hesitate to let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

Classical joke for Christmas period.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

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Archeologists have just discovered the oldest known tampon.

They just dont know what period it's from.

What did the Scottish lass say when she heard there would be universal free period products? Everyone! All together now!

“It’s about bloody time!”

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What can you say as a teacher, but also during sex?

I'd better wrap this up or you'll miss your next period.

God thought long and hard what to name the period of time when the sun was not visible...

Finally, after many hours of trying different sounds and variations he named it night.

But when naming the opposite, he was exhaust and called it a day.

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

Can we please stop posting chemistry jokes?

I keep seeing the same jokes reposted periodically.

What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?

A ketchup

Period

“The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.



She was reluctant to call upon li...

What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?

Hockey players take thier pads off after three periods.

What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.

Never talk to a girl about pregnancy, periods or 'women problems'

She'll ovary act

"What part of the human body expands ten times normal size during periods of intense excitement?"

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, ...

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Why is 6.9 the worst sex position?

It's 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

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'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

I just got my period while I was thrift shopping

It really cramping my style.

Periods are 100% normal and nothing to worry about.

But a semi colon is not; you should see a proctologist about that.

My wife missed her last 2 periods

She doesn't know when to stop.

Students in a college final exam were nearing the end of the testing period...

"All pencils down, turn in your tests, put them in a stack on my desk" ordered the professor to the class of 200 students.

Almost every student put their pencil down except for one student who was adding to their last answer. When the other students had handed in their tests the late student ...

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

Suddenly, my roommate walked in on us. I was caught red-handed..

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

Why do women have periods?

Because they can't be questioned

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

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Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on!

The 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'l was, but after two ju...

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Can you write with a tampon?

Only periodically.

What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table?

Agagagagagagag

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A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it lik...

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

What did Gold say to the periodic table?

Hey you!

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

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I asked my girlfriend if we could have sex even though she was on her period.

She responded "Yeah, I guess I could pull some strings."

How often are chemistry jokes posted to reddit?

Periodically

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

"Mom, I'm almost 17 now. When will I get my period like the other girls?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

During the recent quarantine period, I built a model of Mount Everest.

It’s not to scale, just to look at.

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

They are making a TV series about the struggles of menstruating women over the years.

It is a period drama.

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

Teacher: do u understand the importance of a period?

8yo: yes, once my sister missed her & my mom started crying, my dad fainted & my elder brother ran away from home.

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New Guy from Texas [Read till the end]

A middle-aged man from Texas moves to Australia and decides to get a temporary gig until his job placement is fixed. Luckily, not far from his residence there is one of those "one stop shop" stores, and he gets to be the cashier / salesman.

After the first day the boss came down to see how th...

Woman: I’m having the worst period ever

Husband: Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?

If you get your period in prison

Is that the end of your sentence?

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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?

Au revoir.

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Having your period on Valentine's day

Is a pain in the ass

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Jenny gets her first period

Jenny gets her first period in the middle of class. Flustered and thinking her parents would be the best to tell her, the teacher sends her home.

While walking across a bridge crying, she comes across a boy who has skipped school.

Curious, he asks why she's crying.

"Oh, Johnny, ...

Little Johnny is in school and they have show and tell.

The teacher asks the class to tell about something that happened in their family recently. When it is Johnny's turn. he walks to the board and draws two periods ". ." The teacher asks him to explain. He says"My sister missed these and my parents are real upset."

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period?

They say she has a mean flow.

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

What was the least productive period of the USSR?

When their leader was Stalin for 30 years

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What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come it means you are fucked.

What does a stuntwoman use when she’s on her period?

A crash pad

What do you call the period of time between slipping on a banana and landing on your ass?

A bananosecond.

I told a girl that periods are no big deal

She ovary acted

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

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