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I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

Marvel have released their schedule for the next set of Spider Man films.

* Spider Man: Homecoming
* Spider Man 2: Far From Home
* Spider Man 3: Going Back Home Again
* Spider Man 4: Going Out Again For A Bit
* Spider Man 5: Coming Back Once More
* Spider Man 6: Leaving Again
* Spider Man 7: Aunt May is Angry Because She Wants to Know Where I Keep Going ...

My friend Lee likes to allow extra time for his schedule.

That's just the LeeWay

The doctors think I might have cancer, and have scheduled a colonoscopy for tomorrow afternoon.

They said they wanted to have a look and see if they could get to the bottom of it.

I scheduled an appointment with the lady who does my eyebrows

She said she could pencil me in.

After weeks of keeping it secret, I confessed to my gym buddies that I had taken the bench press out of my workout schedule.

That was a weight off my chest.

Why is it impossible to schedule an event at the library?

Because it’s always completely booked

I always schedule my appointments at 9:11..

.. so I never forget.

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad.

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.



As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."


The guard nods ...

Why did Star Wars 4,5 and 6 come before 1,2 and 3?

Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

Wow, Tesla is ahead of schedule!

They weren't expecting to blow up in China for the next few years!

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

The foreman at my bridge construction site is always rushing things. But when I got the beams set ahead of schedule he didn't believe me.

Nobody expects the span is in position.

Massive trump rally scheduled for tomorrow

Miami Beach @ 10:00, come show your support!

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My Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting is scheduled to last a hour, but

We tend to finish early.

Did you hear about the guy who was scheduled to get a brain transplant?

He changed his mind.

A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk

So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting

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My new years resolution was to keep a daily outdoor fitness schedule but I unexpectedly got food poisoning

So far I haven't been gone for any morning runs but I sure have had a fuckload of the morning runs.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

A new doctor came into town and set up shop 4 months ago.

I’m a doctor too, so I was worried about losing any of my clientele. Sure enough, some of my regulars failed to reschedule appointments and I started getting faxed requests to send their medical records over to this new doctor.

After a few months had passed, things weren’t improving and appoi...

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany..

Where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son....

A large multinational company puts out an application for a secretary.

A golden retriever applies for the job, passes the written test and is scheduled for an interview. At the interview the interviewer asks, "Can you speak any foreign languages?"

And the golden retriever says, "Meow."

During the days of the Soviet Union a man walks into the local Lada dealership ...

He tells the salesman what color he wants and pays the full cost of the car.

The salesman takes the money and says he should come to pick up the car in 7 years.

The man asks whether that would be in the morning or afternoon.

The salesman asks what difference that makes.

...

Zoology Test

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology. So he joined in and after one week of study, a test was held. 

The professor passed out sheets of small
paper where in each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird'...

I called my podiatrist’s office to schedule an appointment...

...but they only have limp-ins.

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

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An old couple has decided to take their vacation in a foreign land

They've made a tight itinerary so they can see everything and left their valuables behind to keep safe. Unfortunately, neither thought to bring a watch. Worried about their schedule, they spot a man sitting next to a donkey and ask him the time. He happily assures them he can help.

Reaching u...

A man and his wife walk into a tile and flooring store.

They both go to the front desk, the wife following behind her husband while looking extremely distraught. “How can I help you?” The contractor asked

“I came in to see if I could get some new counter tops.” Says the man who tugs his wife closer to the desk with a stern look on his face.
<...

TIL the Titanic was scheduled to have an evacuation drill the same day it sank but was canceled by the captain.

Now let that sink in.

I called the Doctors to schedule an appointment...

Me: I need a doctor's appointment...

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?...

Me: No, I don't need that many

I couldn't schedule an appointment today at my local library

Apparently they're fully booked

What's the most popular time to schedule a dentist appointment?

Tooth hurty.

Check eMail Address Before Sending

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 35 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis an...

How does batman schedule a task on his computer?

With a .bat script

One day a horse is watching a music video [Long]

One day a horse is watching a music video and decides that he himself, wants to make a music video.



In preparation, he goes to the phone book and looks up a local music teacher. He calls him up and says


"Hey, I saw that you teach musical instruments, and I really want to ...

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Alexa: I need sex.



**Husband:** Hey Alexa, I need sex.

**Alexa :** most certainly... you Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees.

The Viagra is kept on top right shelf of your wardrobe. The vagina gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favourite Thai massager...

Mexicans and mayonnaise

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would h...

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A man suffering from premature ejaculation schedules an appointment with his doctor.

He arrives to early and spends the rest of the time awkwardly sitting there.

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated...

She scheduled it for next Tuesday.

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

So there was this old man who lived by himself.

His bank saw huge amounts of money being withdrawn and deposited from his account, so they called him and they scheduled an appointment for 10:00 a.m. the next morning. Just in case, the old man hired a lawyer.

So the next morning the old man wakes up and goes to the bank at 10:00 for the app...

I had a threesome scheduled for last night.

There were a couple of noshows but I still had fun.

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

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David calls up his brother Mike to schedule their annual family trip.

He tells him they're leaving Saturday to go to Detroit. Mike asks, "wait a minute, why Detroit?"

David answers, "Well, you know that thing old ladies do, where they set up a map on a dart board, and wherever it lands is where they go?"

Mike couldn't resist a chuckle, and says back to h...

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Honeymoon.

Two virgins had just had their wedding and needed to leave for their honeymoon trip immediately after the reception. The drive to the airport was a couple of hours and they were on a tight schedule to make the flight. As they were driving down this lonely stretch of highway they got to talking about...

A priest, a politician and an engineer were scheduled to be executed late in the French revolution.

It has to be "public", and people are tired of all the bloodshed, so a crowd of spectators is forcibly rounded up.

The priest is brought up to the guillotine and lays down on the table. The executioner pulls the cord and the heavy steel blade descends ... then shudders to a stop in the middl...

Finally scheduled a therapy appointment to talk about my procrastination

But I rescheduled it for next week

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A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appoint...

No one on the stage production crew had checked the schedule for the day.

"I'm not making a scene, YOU'RE making a scene!!!"

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

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A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

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My workplace scheduled Sexual Harassment Training.

Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed.

A man had excruciating headaches

So he decided once and for all to go see a specialist to see what can be done.

After extensive scans and tests the doctor calls him in and gives him the bad news.

"I'm very sorry sir, you have a very rare case in which your nuts press up against the base of your spine which, in turn,...

A man owns a factory with his wife

Everything's running smoothly, production is typical.

And then the factory explodes.

"This is bad," his wife says, "We have to get this factory rebuilt. We have to get production back on schedule. How long is it going take?"

The man pores over the papers for a moment, types som...

My father always told me that I could get married once I left school.

I didn't get the reasoning, but I scheduled my wedding for 3pm just to be sure.

Bill and Larry both loved baseball.

They loved it as kids, they loved it as adults, and they loved it in their old age. One day, Larry asked Bill, "Do you think they have baseball in Heaven?"

Bill said, "I imagine they do. But whichever one of us dies first, he should tell the other whether that's true."

"How are we goin...

You are now fish!

Catholics don't eat meat during the 40 days of lent. Now it so happened a Muslim carpenter moved into a catholic area. Now this guy loved his barbeque and he'd be out in his garden almost daily to enjoy his afternoon feast. Now lent started and the smoky smell wafting from his garden had many people...

The policeman

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

Just then, his wi...

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include cal...

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I'm scheduled for a vasectomy next Wednesday, but I am a little worried.

I hear it can make a vas deferens in my sex life.

A man walks into a plastic surgeons office. He asks the doctor "S-s-sir m-m-my d-d-dick i-is t-t-too l-l-l-long."

The doctor replies, "Well how is that?"

So the man says, "W-w-well its s-s-so l-l-long that i-i-it p-p-pulls on my t-t-tongue a-a-and it g-g-gives me t-t-this s-s-stutter m-m-man!"

The doctor replies, "Oh I see, so I can schedule an appointment and were going to take out this part righ...

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What's the difference between rearranging your schedule and getting to second base with an ex-girlfriend?

One is playing with your priorities, the other is playing with prior titties!

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The Policeman & The Hispanic

It’s around the holiday season and Bob the policeman is scheduled to work. He decides to set up a speed trap at his favorite roadway in Arkansas.

It’s been a few hours and Bob hasn’t seen a single driver. Just then, suddenly a pickup truck flies past him doing well over double the speed limit...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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Donald Trump has scheduled a speech at the same time as the Olympics Marathon swimming...

Its always a sad sight to see so many people exposed to rivers of shit and human waste, that's why I have decided to watch the swimmers instead.

A boy in high school asks a girl to the prom

Amazingly, she says yes so he has to get everything ready. He goes to the tailor so he can get a suit. Unfortunately, he had to wait quite some time, as there were other people getting ready for their proms. But eventually, he gets his suit.

He then went to the florist. But due to some not th...

How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong


Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?


See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao


Stupid man........................................Dum Gai


Small horse....

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

Every time I look at the cross country schedule, we play a certain high school, and their track really sucks. They are a very poor school and honestly it feels like the track is crumbling under my feet.

It took forever for them to schedule a date...

There's this man and a woman who seem to like each other, but between work and life, they have had a heck of a time carving out the time to actually go on a date! Finally things line up, and they arrange to have dinner at a nice restaurant one day after work.

To make matters worse, on the way...

Do you know what's on pages 5 and 6 of an Opel manual?

Bus and train schedules.

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So its being reported that Neil deGrasse Tyson is having his show pulled from the air due to sexual misconduct allegations. I only have one thing to say about that.

It wasn't actually "pulled from the air". It was removed from a broadcast schedule that includes land, space and over-the-air signal delivery.

A man wakes up one day and notices he’s shrinking. (Long)

He checks his height everyday but today, he has lost an inch. The man thinks nothing of it and continues about his day.

The next day he wakes up and checks his height again. This time he has lost two inches. Concerned, the man calls his physician and scheduled an appointment for the followin...

Recent events reminded me of this joke:

A jet is flying across the country when the passengers began to feel shaking.

The pilot announced, "Uh Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing. Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines! Because ...

A widow at a funeral

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortic...

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced

"Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two ...

Learn to speak Chinese

1) That’s not right ………………….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?…………. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP………………………….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Small Horse ……………………. Tai Ni Po Ni
5) Did you go to the beach? ………… Wai Yu So Tan
6) I bumped into a coffee table …….. Ai Bang Mai ...

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Three men climb the stairway to heaven.

At the top of the stairs is a train station, where a ticket man stops them. He explains to the men that souls may board a train from here that will take them the rest of the way up to heaven. However, the train runs on a schedule, and is nearly full.

"I'm sorry fellers" says the ticket man. <...

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

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Word spread quickly that a meat shipment was inbound from Moscow, in the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.

Sure enough, in the early hours of Monday morning the line outside State Food Store no. 46 was already over two hundred people long, many whispering excitedly about poultry and sausages, despite the dark, bitterly cold morning. After hours of waiting, and still before sunrise, the Commissar came out...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

A husband wants to hire somebody to kill his wife...

After weeks of research, he finally hears tell of a hit man known simply as Arthur, who happens to be in town.

He sets up a meeting with Arthur to schedule the hit.

He and Arthur meet, and the husband gives Arthur his wife's picture, and tells him, "She goes to the grocery store once a...

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One day, a Mother Superior was attending to some matters just outside the main doors of her convent. She noticed that the Seven Dwarves had huddled some distance from her...

... and, as they argued amongst themselves, they kept throwing looks her way. After some time, one of them separated from the group to approach her. It was Doc.

“Good morning, Mother Sister. I mean Mother Superior. Really sorry to bother you, but could you help us settle an argument?”

...

Pope decided to drive

(not my original content, and I cannot remember the whole thing very well, so I may have taken some liberties)

One day, Pope was scheduled to visit a village in nearby Italy, but since it had been a longtime since he had driven a car himself, he decided that he wants to do the driving on this...

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A man gets on the bus to go home from college

A man gets on the bus to go home from college and as the journey begins his stomach starts to grumble. They get out into the country and he gets the urge. He runs up to the driver and tells him how sorry he is but he must've had some bad cafeteria food and he needs to poop immediately. The bus drive...

The origin of the angel on top of the tree

It must've been the coldest winter ever, with the worst snow storm this world has ever seen brewing in the North Pole on the Eve of Christmas. Santa was bedridden with a nasty stomach bug, and his workshop was short-staffed as many of the elves had contracted ~~herpes from sodomizing each other~~ th...

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

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