A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

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Why is Toilet Paper selling out but not Tissue Paper?

Because if 1 person sneezes everyone will shit themselves

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

What do you call the soft tissue between a sharks teeth?

The slow swimmer!

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogey in it!

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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Bless you

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tiss...

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

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Please Help...

So, I was looking outside my upstairs bedroom window and I noticed my neighbor's HOT 22 year old daughter sun bathing nude in their back yard. I felt horny so I decided to have a wank. As I finished, I turned around to grab some tissue and saw my wife just standing there shaking her head and gawking...

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

How do you make a tissue dance?

You threaten to kill its entire family.

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A man walks around in a forest...

He sees a duckling covered in shit. The man feels sorry for the little bird and grabs a tissue to clean it.

The man proceeds to walk when he comes across another duckling covered in shit. The man starts to question what's going on, and again, cleans the little duckling.

After walking...

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

differences..

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...”

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because he was all out of tissues

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

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I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

What do cannibals use to clean their noses?

Nose tissue.

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Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

How do u make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

Men are more susceptible to the covid19 coronavirus

Men could be more susceptible to Covid-19 because testicular tissue generates proteins the virus likes to latch onto.

It's got you by the balls.

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

Postmortem

A man dies, but has no recollection of his last moments. Death greets him with a television screen and a box of tissues and says "I want you to come to your own conclusions".

A man had trouble trusting people

However, everytime he used paper towels to clean his nose, he was perfectly fine.

He had trust tissues.

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NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

It's always good to carry some extra tissues with you...

You never know when you'll come in handy.

Who is in charge of the tissues?

The Hankie Chief.

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A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.

You can imagine my disappointment.

Coronavirus is driving us mad!

We have become crazy.

I went to the bathroom at a restaurant. I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow and when i returned to my table I realized....

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

I got the last two loaves of bread at the store. This old lady was behind me and she saw.

She looked weak and feeble so I reached into her trolly and took her milk and tissue.

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

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A man is sitting on an airplane....

...next to this young woman. After a minute of being seated the woman sneezes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed it looked like she took one tissue and appeared to wipe under her skirt.

“I might be seeing things,” he thought. But not even a couple minutes later she sneezes again. This ...

I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night

But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

Which member of the Justice League has loose connective tissue?

The Marfan Manhunter!

She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end

Him: So do I

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What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red?

A bloody shitpost.

Sandpaper and Tissue

A sheet of sandpaper and a tissue were talking. The sheet of sandpaper says, "I'm very jealous of you." The tissue replies, "Why?" The sandpaper explains, " Because I've had it rough all my life."

I just came into some money!!!

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't find a tissue!

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

Deforestation is so sad it makes me cry...

*reached for a handful of tissue*

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

Tissues

There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:

Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?

Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..

Advisor: ..a magical one?...

I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

Why don’t napkins date?

They have trust tissues

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Orgasms are similar to sneezing

You need a tissue afterwards and you shouldn't do it in a stranger's face.

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

He: Can I try your bra on?

She: Sure, go ahead, I have no tissue with that.

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” is a good place to start.

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raise...

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Little Johnny is in math class when the teacher poses a question:

>Why are the order of operations so important?

Little Johnny raises his hand and says,

>Because you can blow your nose and wipe your ass with the same tissue but you can’t wipe your ass and blow your nose.

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