How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it!

(My 6 year olds favorite joke)

A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

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What do 2 tissues do before they have sex?

4-ply

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

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I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

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Orgasms are similar to sneezing

You need a tissue afterwards and you shouldn't do it in a stranger's face.

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example is “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

I recently came into quite a bit of money.

In hindsight, I should have used tissues.

How do u make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

It's always good to carry some extra tissues with you...

You never know when you'll come in handy.

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A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

Who is in charge of the tissues?

The Hankie Chief.

He: Can I try your bra on?

She: Sure, go ahead, I have no tissue with that.

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end

Him: So do I

I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.

You can imagine my disappointment.

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What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red?

A bloody shitpost.

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We had our first child and he's beautiful, but he had a rare birth defect.

He was born without eyelids. We had to keep his eyes irrigated and shielded from light while they searched for a pediatric plastic surgeon who could correct it.

Fortunately one of the top surgeons in our region was available. When our attending physician explained the situation to him, he ask...

I was walking behind a girl late at night

I open silently the bottle of chloroform so she doesn't freak out.
I put out my tissue,
put chloroform on it,
*sneezing*
clean my nose,
and pass out

I'm not a smart man

I saw a dead baby gohst laying on the ground this morning.

Turns out it was just a tissue.

What did the tissue say to the baby?

Just be glad you didnt end up on me

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Wife is tired of doing everything, husband says it'll be okay.

**Husband:** "Babe, did you say you were making dinner? or what? I can't remember"

**Wife:** *Sighs* "I just wish you'd take some initiative and cook your own dinner for once...I've been at work too you know. So, what, now I come home and get to cook dinner, pack the dishwasher and then unpac...

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” is a good place to start.

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sur...

How to get a date with a Clinton supporter today...

Baby, want a tissue?

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I took a poll on what people do with their off hand when they masturbate

A white guy said he holds the phone he's watching porn on. An Asian guy said he holds the tissue he finishes into. The black guy said "lol, you have an off hand?"

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Why did the blonde have square boobs?

Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box

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My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

A girls first time

You lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head. He has more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you s...

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