The 55+ Best Tissue Jokes

A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

How do you get a tissue to dance?

Put a lil boogie in it.

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Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

Whats do you call soft tissue between a sharks teeth ?

A slow swimmer.

My wife keeps asking why I need tissues at the end of joyful movies

I told her I always need them after a happy ending.

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

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Can I donate a graft of tissue from my buttocks to another person I'm not related to?

Ass skin for a friend.

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

How do you make a tissue dance?

You threaten to kill its entire family.

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

How do u make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

A dumb billionaire walks into a bar and orders a pint. The female bartender notices how attractive he is and slips him her number on a tissue.

" Preposterous! I could get laid for this much!"

I carry tissues around with me so I never get an STD

I always have kleenexes

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.

You can imagine my disappointment.

Who is in charge of the tissues?

The Hankie Chief.

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I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

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What do 2 tissues do before they have sex?

4-ply

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

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A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end

Him: So do I

Which member of the Justice League has loose connective tissue?

The Marfan Manhunter!

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

What do zombies blow thier noses with?

Human tissue!

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What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red?

A bloody shitpost.

What do men and women have in common?

Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.

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Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold.

Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..

Tissues

There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:

Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?

Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..

Advisor: ..a magical one?...

I just came into a lot of money

Normally I use tissues

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

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After another attempt at lovemaking was ruined by my premature ejaculation, the wife was sat on the edge of the bed in floods of tears..

"Please baby, don't cry like that." I said, taking her hands from her face.

"Why? Why the fuck not, Barry?" She howled. "It's every time. Every. Fucking. Time. Am I not allowed to be upset about it?"

"Well of course you are sweetheart, of course you are." I reassured her. "But ...

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sur...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

I’m really in touch with my inner self today.

Really need to buy 2 ply tissue.

Bad news in the stock market today

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and thousands of investors were wiped clean.

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A man is sitting on a park bench, eating his lunch

When suddenly a duckling walks by, and the duckling is completely covered in shit. The man feels bad for the little duckling, picks it up, wipes it clean with a tissue and lets it walk again.

A second duckling walks by, again, covered in shit. The man feels bad and again takes a tissue and w...

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

Just had a stack of toilet rolls fall on me in the supermarket

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage

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There was a tragic birth defect that affected a young couples' first born child.

The doctor looked at the new parents and said. "Your baby is healthy, but he was born without eyelids. The parents were shocked and the new mother started to weep.

"Is there anything that can be done to fix this?" She asked, choking on her tears.

The doctor thought a moment when an ...

An old school practical joke that may work today...

My dad always tells me about a practical joke played on an assistant in a big office setting when he was younger.

The assistant was the guy with the least experience and was in charge of answering the phone. He was not known as someone who was particularly bright.

My dad called posing...

What's a box of Kleenex favourite spa treatment?

Deep tissue massage

I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.

An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.

The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."

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My Ex-wife Wanted a b00b Job.

In an effort to save money, I told her that taking a few sheets of toilet tissue and rubbing it between her boobs twice a day would make her boobs grow. So my ex did this diligently for 3 months. Finally, after seeing no improvement, she came to me with a look of disappointment on her face. She aske...

Guess what came in the mail today

I did, I ran out of tissue.

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NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

Sometimes it's very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

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