What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

A slow swimmer

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

How do you make a tissue dance?

You threaten to kill its entire family.

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What do 2 tissues do before they have sex?

4-ply

I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

How do you make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it..

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”

How do u make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

It's always good to carry some extra tissues with you...

You never know when you'll come in handy.

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A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

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I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

Who is in charge of the tissues?

The Hankie Chief.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” is a good place to start.

She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end

Him: So do I

I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.

You can imagine my disappointment.

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What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red?

A bloody shitpost.

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

. A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

Why couldn't the surgeon 3D print a new pair of lungs?

He ran out of tissue paper.

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

Despite only being 13% of the population

Teenagers use over 50% of the nations tissues

I just ran out of tissues...

Lately, it's been coming in handy

Tissues

There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:

Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?

Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..

Advisor: ..a magical one?...

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

He: Can I try your bra on?

She: Sure, go ahead, I have no tissue with that.

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

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Little Johnny is in math class when the teacher poses a question:

>Why are the order of operations so important?

Little Johnny raises his hand and says,

>Because you can blow your nose and wipe your ass with the same tissue but you can’t wipe your ass and blow your nose.

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

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A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

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One day I went to buy some condoms.

I'd used several condoms before, but they never fit quite right. So that day, I asked the pharmacist if she could help me out.

She said, "Sure. Let's have a look at that cock."

I take it out and she looks at it closely. She brings a ruler and takes some measurements. She nods and shout...

Erotica and then some

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
<...

Massage Humor

A Jewish man walked into a massage clinic looking for deep tissue. They bring him back and afterwards, he comes out looking disappointed. They ask him why and he replies, "She was too gentile."

Cream Loses Its Magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked

'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'

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My boss is always complaining about the toilet paper at work.

For Christmas, I sent him a 12-pack of ultra soft bathroom tissue and a Christmas card which read: “To the sensitive asshole that sits in the bossman’s chair.”

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raise...

Age Of innocence

“Mommy, my turtle’s dead,” Andrew sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head and said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the backyard. After that, we’ll go out ...

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

A man is reading his book at the bus stop when a teenage girl sits next to him and starts crying.

The man doesn't look up from his book, but he hears the girl. She sounds really upset and, through tears, she says, "37."

The man finds this odd, but he's very interested in his book, so he disregards it. But the girl keeps crying--tears streaming down her face--until she finally yells out un...

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

I've just read that the pollen count is exceptionally high this year.

That would explain why my 14 year old son is getting through so many boxes of tissues, poor little mite.

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

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An oldie, but a goodie. [NSFW] [Long]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with $100 bills lying on the counter. From the looks of it, there's at least ten grand in the jar. He asks the bartender about it. "It's part of a bet we've got going on," the bartender tells him. "You place $100 in the jar, and then you have to complete ...

I was walking through a supermarket when a tower of toilet paper fell on me

I'm worried I have soft tissue damage.

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Why do blondes have square boobs?

They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sur...

I came into a lot of money today, which is weird.

I usually use tissues.

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My new girlfriend just said...

"After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?"

I said, "I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

In the stock market today....

Northern Tissue touched a new bottom, and millions of investors were wiped clean.

RIP Hugh Hefner

Through his death, I'll be reaching for tissues in his honor for the rest of my life.

"Where would I be without my mom?"

Probably, wiped off on a tissue and thrown away

My dad's Gandhi joke

How much do you know about Gandhi?

He would go on hunger strikes, so he was a pretty skinny guy to begin with. But one time, he walked all the way from the interior of India to the coast to pick up salt from the seaside. He was protesting something to do with British taxes, I can't remember t...

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A man is on a road trip with his family.

He's driving, his wife is next to him with a severe headache, and his kids are in the backseat being little obnoxious jerks, as kids do. They had to get up early that morning to leave, and as such the kids are tired and cranky, and it was so hard to get everyone ready that he didn't even have time t...

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A baby boy is born without eyelids

A baby boy is born without eyelids. The parents are distraught, asking the doctor what can be done. "There's a procedure, experimental, but successful in all cases," the doctor explains. "The procedure involves using the foreskin removed during circumcision, and using it as the eyelids." "Why, t...

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