How do you get a tissue to dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

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Can I donate a graft of tissue from my buttocks to another person I'm not related to?

Ass skin for a friend.

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Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

I carry tissues around with me so I never get an STD

I always have kleenexes

What do you call the soft tissue between a Shark's teeth?

A Slow Swimmer

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If someone gets burn damage and needs a skin graft, can I donate buttock tissue to help them?

Ass skin for a friend.

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

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Jake went the doctor for manhood problems

Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

How do you make a tissue dance?

You threaten to kill its entire family.

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Why did the blonde have square boobs?

Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

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One of the best I've ever heard: "The Graveyard Couple"

Mr. and Mrs. Thompkins, who've been very happy together for 12 years, currently, are experiencing a phase of boredom and stagnation. To change things up, Mr. Thompkins gets an idea: Have sex in a near-by graveyard.

With a mix of reluctance and excitement, Mrs. Thompkins agrees and they go off...

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

How do u make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

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I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

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What do 2 tissues do before they have sex?

4-ply

There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

I got off Scott free!

I used a rag this time. No more tissues for me, I'm going green!

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My friend said if I watch Schindler's List I would need a whole box of tissues.

He lied only had two wanks during it.

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A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.

You can imagine my disappointment.

It's always good to carry some extra tissues with you...

You never know when you'll come in handy.

Who is in charge of the tissues?

The Hankie Chief.

Tissues

There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:

Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?

Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..

Advisor: ..a magical one?...

Which member of the Justice League has loose connective tissue?

The Marfan Manhunter!

She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end

Him: So do I

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What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red?

A bloody shitpost.

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A man walks around in a forest...

He sees a duckling covered in shit. The man feels sorry for the little bird and grabs a tissue to clean it.

The man proceeds to walk when he comes across another duckling covered in shit. The man starts to question what's going on, and again, cleans the little duckling.

After walking...

differences..

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...”

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because he was all out of tissues

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NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

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Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

What did the tissue say to the baby?

Just be glad you didnt end up on me

What do cannibals use to clean their noses?

Nose tissue.

Men are more susceptible to the covid19 coronavirus

Men could be more susceptible to Covid-19 because testicular tissue generates proteins the virus likes to latch onto.

It's got you by the balls.

A man had trouble trusting people

However, everytime he used paper towels to clean his nose, he was perfectly fine.

He had trust tissues.

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A man is sitting on an airplane....

...next to this young woman. After a minute of being seated the woman sneezes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed it looked like she took one tissue and appeared to wipe under her skirt.

“I might be seeing things,” he thought. But not even a couple minutes later she sneezes again. This ...

I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

I tripped over a box of Kleenex this morning and thought I had broken my ankle.

Thankfully, it was just soft tissue damage.

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

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A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

Postmortem

A man dies, but has no recollection of his last moments. Death greets him with a television screen and a box of tissues and says "I want you to come to your own conclusions".

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

Coronavirus is driving us mad!

We have become crazy.

I went to the bathroom at a restaurant. I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow and when i returned to my table I realized....

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

I got the last two loaves of bread at the store. This old lady was behind me and she saw.

She looked weak and feeble so I reached into her trolly and took her milk and tissue.

I just came into some money!!!

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't find a tissue!

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

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Orgasms are similar to sneezing

You need a tissue afterwards and you shouldn't do it in a stranger's face.

Deforestation is so sad it makes me cry...

*reached for a handful of tissue*

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Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

Why don’t napkins date?

They have trust tissues

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” is a good place to start.

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

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