A man who sneezes without a tissue

takes matter into his own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel like I should leave a note to the hotel maid explaining that I have severe allergies and that the used tissues aren't from masturbating constantly. But I don't leave a note.

Because I feel bad lying to her.

What happened to the man that robbed the tissue factory

He got away snot free

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Quit my job at Bath Tissue today.

I was just sick of everyone talking shit.

How do you make a tissue dance

Put a little boogie in it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is Toilet Paper selling out but not Tissue Paper?

Because if 1 person sneezes everyone will shit themselves

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

The slow swimmer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

How do you make a tissue sail the seven seas?

Put some seamen in it

How do you make a tissue dance?

You threaten to kill its entire family.

differences..

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday...”

Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?

Because he was all out of tissues

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a t...

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

What kind of tissues do mathematicians like?

Multi-ply

Postmortem

A man dies, but has no recollection of his last moments. Death greets him with a television screen and a box of tissues and says "I want you to come to your own conclusions".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always have a box of tissues near my computer...

I cum prepared.

A man had trouble trusting people

However, everytime he used paper towels to clean his nose, he was perfectly fine.

He had trust tissues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good news! I read that people aren't hoarding toilet paper anymore,

Guess we wiped out that tissue, I mean, issue.

Men are more susceptible to the covid19 coronavirus

Men could be more susceptible to Covid-19 because testicular tissue generates proteins the virus likes to latch onto.

It's got you by the balls.

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

A box of tissues is mingling with a roll of toilet paper at a party.

Tissues to toilet paper: “so that’s what I do. It’s so embarrassing. What is it that you do?”

My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.

I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.

I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carri...

Coronavirus is driving us mad!

We have become crazy.

I went to the bathroom at a restaurant. I washed my hands, opened the door with my elbow, I raised the toilet seat with my foot, I switched on the water faucet with a tissue then opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow and when i returned to my table I realized....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.

His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet.

The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem.

Ecstatic, the parents agree.

After a few...

I got the last two loaves of bread at the store. This old lady was behind me and she saw.

She looked weak and feeble so I reached into her trolly and took her milk and tissue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

How do u make a tissue dance?

You put a little boogie in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on an airplane....

...next to this young woman. After a minute of being seated the woman sneezes. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed it looked like she took one tissue and appeared to wipe under her skirt.

“I might be seeing things,” he thought. But not even a couple minutes later she sneezes again. This ...

I thought I broke my ankle when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night

But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.

I just came into some money!!!

What was I supposed to do? I couldn't find a tissue!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on the plane sneezes, and then wipes his dick with a tissue

The situation happens couple times more, when one of the passengers eventually reports the man to a flight attendant.

The flight attendant approaches the man and says:
- Sir, people are complaining about your behavior. You need to stop this.
- Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have th...

NSFW semi dark humor

Mindy's husband Bob had just passed away. At the funeral, the funeral director was looking real awkward and pulled Mindy aside and says to her.

"Maam, I'm sorry to bring this up to you, but we have an issue with your husband. You see, he has a massive erection and coffin won't fully clo...

It's always good to carry some extra tissues with you...

You never know when you'll come in handy.

Who is in charge of the tissues?

The Hankie Chief.

Deforestation is so sad it makes me cry...

*reached for a handful of tissue*

Why don’t napkins date?

They have trust tissues

I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.

You can imagine my disappointment.

What's the most important difference between men and women?

What they mean when they say "I went through an entire box of tissues during that film".

She: I love movies where you need a tissue at the end

Him: So do I

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Orgasms are similar to sneezing

You need a tissue afterwards and you shouldn't do it in a stranger's face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a British Redditor posts a Showerthought about wiping til the tissue turns red?

A bloody shitpost.

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

What did the tissue say to the baby?

Just be glad you didnt end up on me

I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

Tissues

There was once a really wealthy lady in Persia. People believed she knew black magic. Curious, the Shah sent over one of his advisors:

Advisor: So how is it that you amassed all this wealth?

Lady: When I was 13 my Uncle gave me a funny looking lamp..

Advisor: ..a magical one?...

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his doctor that he'll never again have a erection.

"It's a very unique case of erectile dysfunction" the doctor says.

"There is only only way to possibly cure it, but the procedure is very risky and unorthodox. You see, I can graft tissue from an elephant's truck into your penis, which could allow you to achieve an erection."

The man,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

Helium walks into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

There’s a big difference between a boy or a girl saying

“I got through a whole box of tissues when I found out my 18 year old sister was adopted”

He: Can I try your bra on?

She: Sure, go ahead, I have no tissue with that.

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raise...

What’s the biggest difference between men and women?

The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” is a good place to start.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is in math class when the teacher poses a question:

>Why are the order of operations so important?

Little Johnny raises his hand and says,

>Because you can blow your nose and wipe your ass with the same tissue but you can’t wipe your ass and blow your nose.

Ishmael is lying on his death bed...

...at the ripe old age of 97. He weakly raises his head and, through whispered, labored breaths, asks, "Where is my wife, Elena?"

"Oi vey, I am here, my love," whimpers the elderly woman as she clutches her husband's hand.

"This is good," says Ishmael. "And what of my son, Abraham? Is ...

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial.

A defense attorney is cross examining the medical examiner in a murder trial. The attorney thinks he sees an opening in the testimony.

"So tell me," he asks, "did you take the victim's pulse?"

"No," replied the examiner.

"OK... did you use your stethoscope to check the victim's ...

Cream Loses Its Magic

Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.' Why do you do that, Mummy?' he asked

'To make myself beautiful', said his mother who then began removing the cream with a tissue
'What's the matter?' asked little Michael, 'Giving up?'

Erotica and then some

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
<...

Age Of innocence

“Mommy, my turtle’s dead,” Andrew sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her.

His mother kissed him on the head and said, “That’s all right. We’ll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and then have a nice burial ceremony in the backyard. After that, we’ll go out ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.