Two rival tailors had a competition to see who could cut and perfectly hem a six foot long piece of fabric the quickest.

The result was a tie.

What do you call plastic that’s wrapped in fabric?

Kim Kardashian

My mate is made completely out of matted wool fabric.

He's felt better

I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.

Now her clothes don't fit.

Sure, you can borrow my black and white fabric

Just don’t make a habit out of it

I can only wear clothes that have holes in the fabric

How else am I going to put my arms and legs through them?

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

Did you hear about the new cult that worships fabrics?

They're Satinists.

What type of fabric does communist Russia use?

Lenin.

What did the fabric manufacturer name his two daughters?

Poly and Esther

What’s a Communists favorite fabric?

Linen.

What's super marios favorite type of fabric?

Denim denim denim.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

So my grandmother came up to me and asked me to cut a piece of fabric into strips for her. I asked her "What width?"

She replied: "with scissors of course."

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Rick is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Carl.

...after taking some time to size Carl up and decide that he can trust him, Rick tells Carl about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Rick says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its co...

What do the LGBT community and computers have in common?

Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!

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At a fabric store

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it costs?"
“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.
“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all ...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

The Space Cat

NASA had run out of monkeys to send to space so they decided to start recruiting cats. However most of the cats seemed more interested in the fabric on the walls than the training courses. But 1 cat stood above them all this one cat outshined all the monkeys that were sent to space so on the big day...

James Bond is laid off

James Bond is laid off and at the job center, there are only two jobs available, one in a call center and the other in a fabric coloring plant

"Huh, " said Bond, "you expect me to talk?"

"No Mr Bond, " replied the interviewer, "I expect you to dye. "

Did you hear Scotland is forming a new branch of their military?

They are calling it The Scotchgard. Its motto is "To protect the very fabric of our nation."

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A scientist from Texas A&M

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.


After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside...

A man is shopping for lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret for his wife on Valentine’s day...

When looking around, he notices that as the prices of the lingerie go up, so does the skimpiness and how see-thru the fabric is. The most expensive item is $500.

Being in a good mood, the man decides to purchase the most expensive item.

He heads home to meet his wife and show her his...

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink and a light snack. The bartender takes the ducks order, despite his surprise of the customer being a duck. This happens for 3 days and so the bartender starts a conversation with the duck.
\- The past few days you've been coming here or...

I was walking home today and I saw this naked koala.

And I thought to myself, "now, I know all koalas are technically naked (except, like, certain cartoon koalas or koalas that work birthday parties) but this koala just has this air about him that said 'I used to have clothes, but now I don't.'" And I felt pretty bad for the little guy, maybe somethin...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

A father and his son are playing Hide and Seek...

To make sure his father doesn't peek while counting, the son goes to get something to blindfold his father with. As he begins to tie the fabric around his father's closed eyes, the father comments, "Oh! Whatever you're using, it feels so soft and smells so clean!"

"It's a tie, Dad."

Did you hear about the Midwestern dairy farmers?

Apparently they've begun a new trend of covering their cows' teets with fabric because they felt like their heifers were indecent. It's being called an udder shame.

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Jim's Birthday Hat

Jim's birthday was coming up, and as much as he enjoyed his birthday, he dreaded the obligations that came with it. Despite his vehement protests, his wife had arranged lunch with the whole family, including his witch of a mother-in-law. But Jim was a good man and said he'd be on his best behaviour....

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole...

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

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A man gets a job with a tailor

The man, let’s call him Bob, was very hard working but a little inept. His boss decided to have him sew shirts to start.

He would always end up making one sleeve longer than the other.

Sometimes he would mess up a cuff.

He could never get the seams and buttons straight either....

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A dermatologist sees a patient with a rash

One cold April morning, a dermatologist sees a young, female patient who says she has a skin problem on her chest. He tells her to lift the shirt and sees an 'H'-shaped rash. The dermatologist had never seen any letter-shaped rashes like this before so her asks her about it.

The woman sheepi...

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Marcus and Yacov, two Hasidic Jews,

went to Pincus the tailor for new suits.

"Pincus," Yacov said, "the last time we came to you for new suits, we told you we wanted black suits. The suits you made were not black. They were sort of dark grey maybe, but not black, We need new suits, and this time we want black suits, from the da...

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Ms. Nugent, a retired widow went to the beach wearing a bra and thong.

Her husband had died a few years back and after years of mourning she decided it was time to get back in the game. And what better way than to go to the beach in a racy, sexy swimsuit to snag a man. In her youth, this plan never seemed to fail although in that time, they didn't have thongs.

A...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

This was the first dirty joke my mom ever heard -said when she was 16 by my grandfather who loved a good joke.

A old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful young woman in a dress walking towards him. As he approaches her, a gust of wind blows her skirt up over her head. Frantically she pushes the fabric back down into place and turns a little red from embarrassment. Not wanting to cause furt...

A young jewish man was going to the beach with his wife and kids.

His wife says to him that he should invite his mother to join them, but he protests. "Your mother is always alone after your pops died, would you want your children to treat you the same way?"

He eventually gives in "Allright allright, ill ask her", and goes on to call his mother.

"Mom...

What do you call a seamstress who makes things up?

A *fabric*ator.


It was a slow day at work...

I recently found out that my aunt is both a bigot and illiterate when...

she refused to shop at the local fabric store because they were having a sale, but it was only for muslins.

What's the difference between a Trump rally and a Klan rally?

Several thousand yards of white fabric.

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the line ...

A man is on a business trip...

and decides to buy his wife some new lingerie. A saleswoman greets him as he enters an expensive lingerie store, and asks him how she can help. Then man replies, "I'm looking for something made with very sheer fabric".

The saleswoman leaves for a minute and returns with a semi-transparent pi...

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I have sensitive skin...

I have sensitive skin, so I always use unscented laundry detergent and fabric softener. A few years ago, my sister gave me a set of dryer balls for my birthday. They are plastic balls with little spines that you put in the dryer and your clothes end up soft without any fabric softener. I love them, ...

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