UPJOKE
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A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

[Click Here to invite Vampire Cat inside.]

Vampire Cat: Mwahaha! You fool!

*Walks inside*

*Walks back outside*

Vampire Cat: May I come in?

My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.

It's spam

Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement

In the end you ignore it all and click “I agree”.

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

Click here for a good old fashioned vampire joke.

Ha ha ha. You sucker.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

What goes click clop bang click clop bang?

An Amish drive by

Click here for a potential once in a lifetime opportunity!

Thank you for entering the Russian roulette tournament.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

*right clicks, drags*

* ctrl+c*

* ctrl+v*


Guys check out this joke I made.

You’ve heard of “click it or ticket”, a slogan telling drivers to use a seatbelt or they will get fined...

Now get ready for the new slogan of 2020: “Mask it or Casket”!

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IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

Lessons learned over time:

(In no particular order, and yes - I am a nerd)

1) the problem is always in the last thing that you check.

2) always do the network card driver update AFTER everything else.

3) it's probably the cable that's causing the problem.

4) if you think that you've made things ...

Title that makes you click the post

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and went to bed, he in the upper bunk and...

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What goes click click click...did I get it?... SHIT! click click click...did I get it?... SHIT!...

Stevie Wonder with a Rubik's Cube

"We've been testing how susceptible people are to clickbait..."

"...and that's another one."

As soon as he clicked on the title...

...he realized that someone was narrating him while he was browsing reddit.
He chuckled and left an upvote, ready to read some more reposted jokes.

They say certain types of people can resist a good click bait.

Apparently you aren’t one of them.

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Click to find out what kind of motherfucker you are



You a curious motherfucker.

WW2 veteran walks into a store

There is a grocery shop in France after WW2, and they are giving out free bread and drinks to veterans. The cashier is finishing up his shift at the store when a man walks in and asks for the free bread and drink, the cashier gives the items and wishes him the best as he leaves the store with his it...

how do you make someone click on your post?

Like that

At first I was confused when my boss told me to go get the Geiger counter…

…but then it clicked.

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

click here if you want to join the peepee club

urine

I used to feed ducks everyday.

A big group of them, but there was always one that really stood out to me - he always had very rough feathers, always shaking with wide eyes and a chipped beak. Then one day I saw him huddled in a group with a couple other ducks that looked exactly the same, and they all had little packets of white ...

I fell victim to a click bait.

Just like you.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

Click here for spoilers

Microorganisms
Humidity
Light
Heat

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A prostitute is taking some night classes and struggling with the math.

One day, it clicks. She says, "I give like 5 blowjobs a day. That's like 35 blowjobs a week!" The teacher is so proud, "Now you're thinking with your head!"

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, Jesus said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here."

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how H...

I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

Click here for a RickRoll!

>!Never!< >!Gonna!< >!Give !< >!You !< >! Up!< >!Never!< >!Gonna!< >!expect!< >!the!< >!Spanish!< >!Inquisition!<

Yesterday I was sentenced to death for writing so many click bait headlines

What happens next will shock you

I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”

Thankfully it was just a virus.

Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from?

Me

WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER!

// THE POLICE

Once upon a time, a Reddit lurker clicked on a joke in /r/jokes.

They weren't expecting to read that ultimately, their life is meaningless and that nothing they do matters in the grand scheme of things.

Hey girl, are you click bait?

Because I see 10 reasons why you're perfect and you won't believe #5

Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man.

OK, Boomhauer

How to avoid clickbait. Rule 1: Don't click on this.

Rule 2: You are all hopeless idiots.

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Some say if you can guess the punchline of a joke by the title on Reddit before clicking on it - that it's a rubbish joke...

Tits

Amazing times

We live in a time where household fixtures and appliances can be delivered right to your front door with but a click...

Let that sink in.

A good advice to avoid click bait

Better luck next time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally clicked an ad for one of those fetish porn sites...

It was fucking shit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I clicked on a link for a naked Trump leak.

Turned out it was just fake nudes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you.”

“Okay shoot"

“What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

“I dunno"

“A bat. Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

“I dunno"

*CLICK*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking by a car filled with black kids when I heard a "click" as they locked the doors and I felt like such a bad-ass...

...until I realized it was my car...

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Jack was doing his online classes when he got bored and decided needed to say something, so he clicked the raise hand button.

Mr.Cooper (the teacher) said,

"Yes Jack?"

Jack replies with,

"Oh sorry sir I was just stretching."

I found a Zelda fanfic where Ganondorf took over Hyrule, but for some reason I couldn't click on it

I guess the Link was dead

Why did the chicken click the PowerPoint presentation?

To get to the other slide.

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

I never click on these, because the punchline is rarely worth the effort.

Told you

Dirty jokes time.Don't click if you are easily offended.

I asked my uncle how I could tell if a girl was into me?
He told me, Oh that's easy, when you have your hand down her pants...if it feels like your feeding a horse...she likes you.

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If you get an email saying "click this link to hear Nickelback's new album for free" DO NOT CLICK IT

It will take you directly to a site where you can hear Nickelback's new album for free.

Went out with this girl I met on Ok Cupid, I think we clicked, but I never asked her out again. I know this makes me shallow, I just couldn't handle how many kids she had.

To be fair, it was my own fault, she clearly stated in her profile that she was a goat farmer...

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What is green, but when you click a button it becomes red?

A frog in a blender

I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!

Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.

Stop clicking on click-bait!


(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Hallowee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

What goes Click Click, have I done it yet?

A blind man with a Rubiks cube.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was on the phone with his buddy (NSFW)

Guy- Hey, you know what has a tiny penis and hangs down?

Buddy- Idk, what?

Guy- A bat. You know what has a giant penis and hangs up?

Buddy- Idk, what?

::click::

20 AMAZING Reasons Click Bait Still Works!

1. People are stupid enough to click things that grab their attention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Click here to find out what type of motherfucker you are.

You are an optimistic motherfucker for clicking this and hoping for a different punchline than "curious".

Avoiding click-bait is impossible.

My point exactly.

Some girl has stolen my phone and clicked naked selfies.My cloud is full of them now. Somebody help me find her

I need to give her a charger too.

For PC games, the harder you click the more damage you do.

I need to replace my mouse.

Click bait is everywhere these days.

Scroll down to see how many fell for it.

I have a super easy way to see how good you are at avoiding click bait.

Turns out you are terrible at it..

I've found the perfect girl but it isn't clicking yet

Wish me luck I'm about to change the battery on my wireless mouse.

A court ruled that sharing click-baits is punishable by death.

What happens next will shock you.

Don't click this, I accidentally wrote something offensive

something offensive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Click here if you want to hear a joke about a ghost

That's the spirit!

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A woman with a skill you won't see coming

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer will shock you...

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

(Click to see full post) there are three unwritten rules to a good life....

1)
2)
3)

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