After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

I was walking home from school when I saw a boy on the curb wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you an orphan?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your Parents"

I recently bought chainsaw resistant clothes...

They were really expensive but hey at least they didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

Are camo-pattern clothes still in fashion?

I don't see them anywhere these days.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?

Aw shucks!

A man walked into the bedroom and he wife was packing a bag of clothes with a scowl on her face

"Where in the hell are you off to?" He asked

The wife replied, "Im off to New York!"

"Whats so special about New York?" The man asked

"In New york i could get paid 400$ for what i do for you for free!" She shouted

The husband didnt say a word and started slamming clothes ...

My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off.

So I took off her blouse.

She said, “Now off with the skirt.”

I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.”

And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.”

I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”

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I like UNISEX CLOTHES

Because without CLOTHES, it’s just U N I and SEX

Does anybody know if making clothes for nuns is habit forming?

Asking for a friend.

Where does Dorian Gray get his clothes?

Forever 21.

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

Wife says to Husband, I am going donate all of my clothes I no longer wear to poor starving African Women:

Husband replies,

If your clothes fit them, they are definitely not starving:

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

My friend is really good at making denim clothing

He's a jeanius

Why is leather the best clothing to sneak around in?

Because it's made of hide

What do you call a lizard that wears cloths?

Mark zuckerberg

Well made nun clothes are actually more easily torn apart than poorly made ones.

Bad habits are hard to break.

Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

What’s the suns favourite clothes brand?

Kelvin Klein

Courtesy of my seven year-old son: What do cows call their clothes?

Moo

Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

What do you call a country of fancy clothes?

Sueden

My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.

It's not really a growing market.

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Someone told me my clothes were gay

I said "I know. They came out of the closet this morning."

My wife says if I buy any more clothes she's gonna leave me...

I guess our marriage is hanging by a thread.

Forgetting to check your pockets for money before washing clothes could land you in some trouble.

Laundering money is illegal.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour...

I said, “Wait, I can change!"

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The better a match you are to a job, the dirtier of clothes you can wear to the interview and still get it.

The next guy came in with a shit stain on his pants and I hired him on the spot. You can't buy confidence like that.

Camouflage clothing is so ugly...

It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.

Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?

Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Why does Robin wear bright clothing?

Batman doesn't want to get shot.

What do you call your mother ironing your clothes for you

Free press

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

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Headache & testicles

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.

He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor says, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require removing your testicles.

You have a very rare condition...

Where do owls go to buy their young baby clothes?

At the owlet malls

I bet Vladimir's clothes are expensive

..because it is made of great Lenin.

I finally figured out why my clothes kept falling out of my bag

I cracked the case

What do you call men in women's clothes running

a drag race

Judo - it's the art of folding clothes perfectly...

...while the people are still in them.

What do you call a woman of the cloth up in heaven

Nun of the above

Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing

you use other people's material to make yourself look good

I went to the hunting store to buy some camouflage clothing...

But I didn't see anything that I liked.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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My nieghbour started shouting and screaming about me stealing clothes off her line...

I was so scared, I almost crapped her pants.

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

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NO SEX TONIGHT!

I've never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.

For example… One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

We...

My father revealed to the me that he likes to dress in women’s clothing.

I still don’t understand it, but I appreciate his effort at being transparent.

A man and his clothing store

A long time ago there was a man who sold secondhand women's clothing at a small shop on the main road of a small town.
Now, this man, Theodore, had one joy in life: Arranging the mannequins in a way that made each garment look it's best, and placing them in the front window.
As he had gotten ...

Did you hear about Gucci's new baby line of clothing?

It's called "Gucci Gucci Goo"

I'm thinking about opening a clothing store. Half the store will carry only traditional, colorful women's gowns from India, and the other half will carry everything else.

I'm going to call it Sari/Not-Sari.

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

If you’re wearing cowboy clothes...

You’re Ranch Dressing

Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won’t be identified as clergy.

They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini.

"Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by.

The men are stunned. How does she know they’re clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirt...

William Shatner has discontinued his line of women's clothing.

Apparently, Shatner panties just didn't sell that well.

A group of theives are going to retail stores and are stealing clothes by sizes

Police say they are still at large.

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[NSFW] Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a str...

My son is going away to sleep away camp, and I was told to sew a label with his name on it on all his clothes.

...so rather than do all that I just changed his name to Calvin Klein.

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
...

A man won the lottery and called his wife asking her to pack her clothes

Wife: should i pack for a tropical or a European holiday.

Husband: pack whatever you want, what's important is that you are not there when i get home.

What does the ocean use to clean its clothes?

Tide

I've become obsessed with ridiculing a Nun's clothing

It's a really bad habit.

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My clothes are all gay..

They came out of the closet

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

A guy takes a girl home

Once there, she takes off her clothes, throws herself on the bed and yells:

\- Come! Make me feel like a woman!

He stares, takes off his clothes, throws them on the bed and says:

\- Wash them

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Why is sex like math?

A: You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there's no multiplying.

Edit:This is my first post to get 50+ upvotes. Thank you all

Edit 2: Wow now it is 1k+ upvotes. Thank you very much

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

u didn’t get it

Two engineering students were biking across campus when one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replies, "Well, it was the craziest thing. I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up, threw the bike to the ground, took off ...

What kind of clothing uses a wheel?

Atire.

A Psychic is buying clothes in a store.....



**Employee:** How about this shirt?

**Psychic:** That shirt is too small.

**Employee:** How can you know! You didn't even try it on!

**Psychic:** I'm a medium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.

They quickly arrested me.

My wife

My wife came into the bedroom and in a strict voice she said "take my blouse off", so I took her blouse off.

"Take my shoes off", I took her shoes off

"Remove my skirt", I removed her skirt.

"Take my stockings off", slowly I took her stockings off.

"Now remove my bra", I ...

What type of clothes is most suitable for royals?

A royal-tee

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

My neighbor tricked me into buying his dog by claiming it could sew any article of clothing,

But all it does is pants.

What do you do if you get chocolate spread on your girlfriend's clothes?

Nutella

An old maid had a parrot who had a lot of profanity in its vocabulary

The only way to silence the parrot was to cover its cage with a cloth so it would think it was night time and go to sleep. One morning, the pastor comes to visit the woman right after she uncovered his cage, so she had to immediately cover it again. The pastor came in and heard the parrot say, “Godd...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

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A married couple were lying in bed one night.

The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and slide his fingers down there. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minute...

My tailor really enjoys fixing my clothes

Or sew it seams.

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road

President Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees his driver staggering back...

I'm considering stuffing my clothes with candy bars.

That way, I'll always have Twix up my sleeve.

My neighbour told me to stop changing my clothes near my window.

I asked him, "Why? I keep the curtains closed and the lights off."

He said, "I know that, I just think you should change inside of your house."

Did you hear about the gang of thieves that systematically shoplifts clothes in size order?

The police say they are still at large.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

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Doctor Visit

A guy goes to his doctor and complains that he can't get an erection anymore when trying to have sex with his wife.

The doctor ponders the situation, and then asks the patient to come to his office the next day, and bring his wife along.

The next day the guy, and his wife arrive, and m...

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Arranged marriage

An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them.

His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?”

He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to s...

A naked man runs into a tailor's shop.

The tailor says "you can't be in here with no clothes on!"

The man says "aw come on dude, cut me some slacks?"

I met a girl in a bar.

“Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.”

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.”

A few...

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One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

Did David Bowie just have one set of clothes when he performed?

Or did he have several ch-ch-ch-changes?

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I coul...

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

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So a guy is having drinks at a bar .....

After a while he looks over and sees a huge jar stuffed to the brim with 20 dollar bills. He asks the bar tender " hey whats with the jar? Theres gotta be at least 4 grand in there?" to which the bar tender replies " oh, you wouldn't wanna know. Its just a running bet" The guy says " try me. I love ...

9 people go to a beach

A group of nine people went to a beach, they were confused to see the lifeguard wearing a weird, torn clothing which had the word "Time" written on it.


The nine people thought it was a good idea to jump into the water and swim. They played there for a while until it was evening, but sudd...

Sometimes she just knows

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub t...

What do you call rubber clothing?

Attire

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

...constipated blonde

**Doctor:** ...whats the problem?

**blonde:** ...I have constipation, I believe it's an obstruction.

**Doctor:** ...OK take your clothes off, lay on the couch on to your left side bring your knees up to your chest whilst l take a peek!

...*the doctor examines her and coughs*! ...

Cop spots a guy driving past with a South American plate. He's eating some kind of Mexican food and has no clothes on! He pulls him over and asks, "Where are you from? What are you eating? Aren't you cold?"

"Chilly", he replies.

Data: Captain

We have the 20th century machine that puts clothes together now working. Would you like to see a demonstration.

Capt: Make it sew.

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bully at school told me my clothes were gay

So a choked that asshole with my "Pale Heather Cashmere Scarf".

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Raincoats are the least sexy clothing item...

The whole point is to make sure you never get wet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

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A man is driving down the highway

When suddenly he sees a naked man with his hands tied to the side of the road.He stops and asks what's going on?The naked man answers:"You won't believe this it, i picked up a hitchhiker and the fucker stole my car, clothes and fucked me in the ass!"The guy in the car unzips his pants and says: "thi...

My girlfriend asked me what size table cloth we should buy

I told her "12x15."

She asked, "feet or inches?" and I told her either one, doesn't matter.

Can't wait to see which one she buys.

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

A man wakes up after a long night of drinking.

He goes down to his kitchen and sees his wife with a big grin and humming cheerfully to herself. She prepares a massive breakfast full of the man's favorite foods. She gives him a kiss and heads upstairs to change for work. The man is extremely confused as he had no idea what the occasion was. He lo...

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

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