What do you get when you cross the Twitter community with a controversial celebrity?

Nothing. They cancel each other out.

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

Why was the laundromat cancelled on Twitter?

For reminding people to separate whites from colors

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet

Some guy on twitter says all married people argue. If they say they don't, one of them is ruling over the other.

My wife told me to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."

Twat

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

My wife went off on a guy on Twitter and said he was demonstrating his Neanderthal genetics

I recommended she should avoid *ad hominin* attacks

Twitter is like a bank account

When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would Hitler have had a Twitter account if it was around back then?

He cancelled cultures.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...

It'll be called YouTwitFace.

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

From a post on Twitter

My neighbor just whipped out the fireworks.


I would like to wish everyone a happy 8:42 PM!

My puppy got mad when I was posting on twitter

Turns out he isn't a fan of tweeters. He much prefers subwoofers.

I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.

Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy

With #DiaperDon trending on Twitter, his weird dancing makes since.

He’s trying to wiggle out his poo.

Twitter in a nutshell

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

Trump’s Twitter is like the Christian Bible

Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

On Soviet Twitter, you cannot sign in with email

You can only use your ussrname

Turns out Jesus is not that popular in Twitter

Only 12 followers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found this on Twitter

Me: My hot water doesn’t work

Landlord: Not my domain .

Firelord: Nor mine.

Me: What?

Waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS?

Me: I..I do. My hot water doesn’t work.

Waterlord: Oh shit for real? I'll cal...

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at an important job interview today..

"Are you on facebook?" I was asked.

"Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your fucking phone away, will you!?"

If the Top 100 dumbest people on Reddit use Twitter for a day

They will be simultaneously raising the average IQ of both social platforms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twitter and Snapchat are merging

It will be called: Twat

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work

I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

What do cuckoo clocks and twitter bots have in common?

They both use artificial tweetener

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you keep a horses ass from talking?

Suspend his Twitter account

I followed the Dalai Lama on Twitter, but he didn’t follow me back

He’s very self centered

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo

Donald Trump was challenged by the police over his recent Twitter gaffe about meeting the Prince of Whales

He was let off with a cetacean

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

A dude walks into a Dr's office and says "Doc, I think I'm addicted to Twitter".

The Doc looks at him and says. "Sorry, I Don't follow you".

Why'd the Twitter Bird go to the hospital.

He had to get tweetment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were thinking of a password for their Twitter account.

The husband typed in "my penis" and the wife fell on the floor laughing when it said "error, not long enough."

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

Twitter screenshots aren't memes,

They're words of twisdom.

I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.

Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

Donald Trump is old enough not be expected to know how Twitter works.

He might think he's just messaging his friends.

Elon Musk's Twitter is like a Tesla Model S

It goes from 0 to 100 in 1.9 seconds.

It's a good thing that President Trump uses Twitter

It limits what he can say.

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

So the Pope joined twitter so he can "Reach out to a younger generation."

He is certainly not the first Catholic to have done that.

Someone should create a Trump parody Twitter account...

That only retweets all the stuff he actually posts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you see the story on Twitter about the robots from Star Wars alleging sexual harassment?

They are using #OurTooMeToo

Saw on twitter

Don’t worry if you missed 4:20 guys just smoke at 4:22 because it is 4:20 too

"Ebola" is trending on Twitter...

...does that mean it's gone viral?

I laughed in disbelief when I saw Kanye West was running for president.

But with his recent incoherent twitter ramblings, he seems like he is more than qualified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

EDIT:
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

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