UPJOKE
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Twitter Jokes

Elon is firing Twitter employees with bad posture

I have a hunch I might be next.
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Why did Elon Musk rename Twitter to X?

So the remaining users could spell it.
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I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account...

I just walk around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times...

I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops.
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With Twitter being re-branded to “X” What do we call tweets after the change?

Excretions
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Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.
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I have a boyfriend on twitter....

*Is he my x-boyfriend now? *
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

if Elon Musk had a dollar for every racial slur & sexist slur on Twitter...

Oh, wait- he does.

One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...

It'll be called YouTwitFace.
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What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.
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Have you heard Elon Musk no longer owns Twitter?

He’s now the X owner
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Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.
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Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
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The Twitter Files...

... are now the X-Files
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Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"
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Putin went on Twitter today...

He ordered his generals to Retweet.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What the difference between a septic tank and twitter.

One is a tank full of crap, the other is tanking because of the crap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

A man goes to see his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
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LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi
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Why did Elon Musk abandon his Twitter acquisition?

He wanted to experience, for the first time in his life, the sensation of pulling out
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What did Elon musks get when changing twitters name?

A bunch of X-employees.
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For anyone in a relationship, take note from Twitter.

Introducing an X after many years is never a good idea.
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How many twitter users does it take to change a lightbulb?

30. One to change the bulb, and 29 to cancel it for being brighter than they are.
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Elon Musk is considering removing blocking from Twitter

Which means your only options for defense will now be dodge and counter.
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My girlfriend and Twitter have a lot in common.

For starters, I now refer to both as X
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

What does Twitter, recent space explorations, pirate maps and OnlyFans have in common?

Places that you'll find an X
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Instead of buying twitter for $43 billion

Elon Musk could add another $8 billion and clear the external debt of Sri Lanka.
He can rename it Ceylon Musk.
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Why was the laundromat cancelled on Twitter?

For reminding people to separate whites from colors
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Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.
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What if God appeared on Twitter

And said 'It's pronounced Jod'

Then went offline

?
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Personally, I like the new change to Twitter....

Personally, I like the new change to Twitter. They decided to rename the site after the little box you click when you wind up there.

You hit X.
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What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was scrolling through Twitter and says, "wow, some people are fucking idiots!"

I replied, "I know, I'm one of them"

Musk is really stretching out this Twitter controversy.

Should start calling it Elongate.
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How did Musk feel after banning everyone from Twitter?

All Elone :(
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

How many twitter people does it take to change a light bulb

Twelve million and one. One to change the lightbulb and twelve million to complain about how that one person ruined light bulbs forever
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what do erotica writers and twitter trolls have in common?

They both write stuff just to get a rise out of people.
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Elon Musk has only owned Twitter for one day...

and it's already ran over 2 pedestrians.
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Did you know the Golden Gate Bridge and Brooklyn Bridge have twitter accounts?

They are both suspended.
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You can use Twitter to keep up to date with Ross Kemp but you might not enjoy other people’s tweets afterwards because…

It’s a hard actor follow
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Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.
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How did I hear about Elon Musk not actually buying Twitter?

A little bird told me
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Why was the pirate cancelled on twitter

He dropped a hard arr
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Is KFC Twitter account

Veryfried?
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Why did the Twitter kid have a panic attack in Maths class?

Because the teacher said they will be learning about Ratios.
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The good news is Elon Musk is turning Twitter' headquarters into a homeless shelter

The bad news is, it can only house 280 characters, or less
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Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy
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Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
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Twitter in a nutshell

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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I expect the Musk-Twitter feud to take a really long time to resolve

I mean, one should expect Elon-gate to drag out
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Twitter is like a bank account

When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked
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I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

EDIT:
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."

Source: [Jorgen Sundberg](https://twitter.com/JorgenSundberg/status/304345440017596418)

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.
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My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work

I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...
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James Caan shared this one in his famous Twitter fashion

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
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Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet
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What’s the difference between Reddit and Twitter?

Doesn’t matter. No one reads beyond the headline anyway.
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From a post on Twitter

My neighbor just whipped out the fireworks.


I would like to wish everyone a happy 8:42 PM!
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I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.
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From my Twitter feed today

I have a joke about a gym trainer, but I have to warm up before I tell it.

I have a joke about the IT department, but you have to put in a ticket before i can tell you.

I have a joke on aerospace engineering, but I don't think it will fly.

I have a joke on LinkedIn, but I'm not ...
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What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.
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North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers
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On Soviet Twitter, you cannot sign in with email

You can only use your ussrname
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My puppy got mad when I was posting on twitter

Turns out he isn't a fan of tweeters. He much prefers subwoofers.
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Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo
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What do you get when you cross the Twitter community with a controversial celebrity?

Nothing. They cancel each other out.
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It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter.

You don't get followed easily.
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Trump’s Twitter is like the Christian Bible

Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views
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Saw on twitter

Don’t worry if you missed 4:20 guys just smoke at 4:22 because it is 4:20 too
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

Turns out Jesus is not that popular in Twitter

Only 12 followers
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Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."
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With #DiaperDon trending on Twitter, his weird dancing makes since.

He’s trying to wiggle out his poo.
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Twitter has Retweeting, Tumblr has reblogging

And Reddit has Reposting
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I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me
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Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.
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"Ebola" is trending on Twitter...

...does that mean it's gone viral?
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Why'd the Twitter Bird go to the hospital.

He had to get tweetment.
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Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right
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Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...
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What do cuckoo clocks and twitter bots have in common?

They both use artificial tweetener
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I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.
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What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.
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Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.
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Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would Hitler have had a Twitter account if it was around back then?

He cancelled cultures.

My wife went off on a guy on Twitter and said he was demonstrating his Neanderthal genetics

I recommended she should avoid *ad hominin* attacks
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Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.
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Netflix is making a show about a shrub, based on a Twitter account. Some people are excited, but I'm not sure...

It seems like a corporate plant.
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My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.
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Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.
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Why does Brendon Rodgers hate Twitter?

It only allows 140 characters
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Elon Musk's Twitter is like a Tesla Model S

It goes from 0 to 100 in 1.9 seconds.
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