I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

Twitter addiction

Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you. .................

Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy

Is KFC Twitter account

Veryfried?

From my Twitter feed today

I have a joke about a gym trainer, but I have to warm up before I tell it.

I have a joke about the IT department, but you have to put in a ticket before i can tell you.

I have a joke on aerospace engineering, but I don't think it will fly.

I have a joke on LinkedIn, but I'm not ...

Trump’s Twitter is like the Christian Bible

Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

On Soviet Twitter, you cannot sign in with email

You can only use your ussrname

Turns out Jesus is not that popular in Twitter

Only 12 followers

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

Recently people have been supporting MAPs on Twitter

I can't believe there's that many Cartographers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

I laughed in disbelief when I saw Kanye West was running for president.

But with his recent incoherent twitter ramblings, he seems like he is more than qualified.

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new toilet system being trialled.

It has a built in Internet connection.

It will automatically post your shit on Facebook, Twitter and TikTok.

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

What’s the easiest, yet longest way to get fired?

Say something controversial on Twitter and wait 5 years.

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found this on Twitter

Me: My hot water doesn’t work

Landlord: Not my domain .

Firelord: Nor mine.

Me: What?

Waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS?

Me: I..I do. My hot water doesn’t work.

Waterlord: Oh shit for real? I'll cal...

What do cuckoo clocks and twitter bots have in common?

They both use artificial tweetener

I followed the Dalai Lama on Twitter, but he didn’t follow me back

He’s very self centered

If the Top 100 dumbest people on Reddit use Twitter for a day

They will be simultaneously raising the average IQ of both social platforms

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

Covid 19 has been realy stressful for Flat Earthers

They fear that quarantine could push people off the edge

>!I apologize cause I completely ripped this off someone else's twitter!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twitter and Snapchat are merging

It will be called: Twat

Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo

My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work

I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

Facebook is where you find people who studied with you in school

Twitter is where you find people you wish you studied with in school.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

A dude walks into a Dr's office and says "Doc, I think I'm addicted to Twitter".

The Doc looks at him and says. "Sorry, I Don't follow you".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

Why'd the Twitter Bird go to the hospital.

He had to get tweetment.

I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

One day Facebook, YouTube and Twitter will merge.

It will be called YouTwitFace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Totally didn't steal this from r/iamverysmart

Once, the Oracle of Delphi had declared Socrates to be the wisest man in the world.

In response, Socrates said "Surely I'm not, for there's so much about this world that I don't know. I know not the meaning of life nor truth nor purpose, and so much more. Please, Oracle, let me find the true ...

I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

Donald Trump is old enough not be expected to know how Twitter works.

He might think he's just messaging his friends.

Elon Musk's Twitter is like a Tesla Model S

It goes from 0 to 100 in 1.9 seconds.

Saw on twitter

Don’t worry if you missed 4:20 guys just smoke at 4:22 because it is 4:20 too

Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Do Twitter Users Call Themselves?

Twats.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you see the story on Twitter about the robots from Star Wars alleging sexual harassment?

They are using #OurTooMeToo

What would the French say if they had Twitter during WWII?

Retweet! Retweet!

It's a good thing that President Trump uses Twitter

It limits what he can say.

Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Babe, my sex drive is like Donald Trump's twitter...

Random, irrational, and provocative.

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

EDIT:
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

I wanted to share my novel based on the phone book over twitter

But it's got more than 140 characters

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

Nearly had a fight with my army of Twitter followers…

It got pretty intense up until they all retweeted…

Someone should create a Trump parody Twitter account...

That only retweets all the stuff he actually posts

My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter.

I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

Was on Twitter earlier telling everyone about how I had this tiny spot on my top lip that turned into a massive cold sore…

It's gone viral…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I would never vaccinate my kids. That is unnatural, dangerous, pointless, expensive and reckless.

I'd take them to the doctor to vaccinate them instead

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

"Ebola" is trending on Twitter...

...does that mean it's gone viral?

So the Pope joined twitter so he can "Reach out to a younger generation."

He is certainly not the first Catholic to have done that.

What climate scientist does Disney follow on twitter?

The rogue one

Why is the air pump at gas stations so expensive?

Inflation.



Credit to @foone on the twitters.

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