what do erotica writers and twitter trolls have in common?

They both write stuff just to get a rise out of people.

Why was the pirate cancelled on twitter

He dropped a hard arr

How to get canceled on twitter?

Be right

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

What do you get when you cross the Twitter community with a controversial celebrity?

Nothing. They cancel each other out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "LEBRON JAMES NUDES" DON'T CLICK ON IT.

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

Why was the laundromat cancelled on Twitter?

For reminding people to separate whites from colors

What’s the difference between Reddit and Twitter?

Doesn’t matter. No one reads beyond the headline anyway.

I heard Microsoft tried to change the file path separator in Windows

but it received tons of backslash from the community.

--
Source: Aaron Peterson, Twitter.

Netflix is making a show about a shrub, based on a Twitter account. Some people are excited, but I'm not sure...

It seems like a corporate plant.

Why is Twitter more lenient than Facebook jail?

Because they give out shorter sentences

Why do french people look so depressed ?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is England



(stolen from twitter, no idea if it's an original)

It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter.

You don't get followed easily.

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

Why don't Twitter users make good soldiers?

Because they are quick to retweet

Some guy on twitter says all married people argue. If they say they don't, one of them is ruling over the other.

My wife told me to tell him he doesn't know what he's talking about.

One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will merge...

It'll be called YouTwitFace.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

I follow the CIA on Twitter,

just so they can see how it feels.

Twitter is like a bank account

When you enter the wrong opinion five times, your account gets locked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."

Twat

I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform.

Retweet if you agree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why would Hitler have had a Twitter account if it was around back then?

He cancelled cultures.

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blind man goes to his local Subway everyday for lunch

One Monday, he went up to his subway and ordered his usual BLT. He enjoyed BLT’s, and they were easy to order since he couldn’t point at the ingredients he wanted due to his blindness. The worker gave the man his sub, and the man ate his sub only to find it tasted sweet and juicy. He went up to the ...

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

My wife went off on a guy on Twitter and said he was demonstrating his Neanderthal genetics

I recommended she should avoid *ad hominin* attacks

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

My puppy got mad when I was posting on twitter

Turns out he isn't a fan of tweeters. He much prefers subwoofers.

I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.

With #DiaperDon trending on Twitter, his weird dancing makes since.

He’s trying to wiggle out his poo.

Twitter in a nutshell

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

My wife said she is leaving me as she's sick of my obsession with twitter

I nearly choked on my #brown

Proud of myself, just came up with this stinker: Why did Twitter shut down Megatron's account?

Because it was discovered that most of his followers were auto bots.

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place"

Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter?

With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

On Soviet Twitter, you cannot sign in with email

You can only use your ussrname

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

LMAO IM AT MY SCHOOL TALENT SHOW AND DUDE SAYS “Before I begin, I want to make sure this mic is working”

“If your name is Michael, please stand up”

Then a couple dudes stand up

And he goes “That concludes the mike check”



stolen from twitter @ cheyrubi

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he has followers, not friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet Ted Cruz has two twitter accounts now. one for porn, and one to talk about the laws he's passing...

Either way a woman's getting fucked

Trump’s Twitter is like the Christian Bible

Both believers and nonbelievers read it to reinforce their views

Trump declares war against Twitter

McDonald's is now concerned and very scared.

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

Turns out Jesus is not that popular in Twitter

Only 12 followers

If the Top 100 dumbest people on Reddit use Twitter for a day

They will be simultaneously raising the average IQ of both social platforms

Oedipus joke

Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?

Oracle: You’re going to kill your father and marry Joe.

Oedipus: Who’s Joe?

Credit: Nik Linenberger - Twitter

I'll bet that Bret Stephens has a new Twitter account under a different name.

A bed bug typically lives undercover.

My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work

I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

You want further proof that Biden is already the better president?

He's got 23 million more Twitter followers than Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twitter and Snapchat are merging

It will be called: Twat

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

What do cuckoo clocks and twitter bots have in common?

They both use artificial tweetener

I followed the Dalai Lama on Twitter, but he didn’t follow me back

He’s very self centered

I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account

So they blocked me

Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo

Why'd the Twitter Bird go to the hospital.

He had to get tweetment.

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

I would rather have a colonoscopy than read twitter comments

With a colonoscopy there's only a CHANCE you'll find cancer.

Donald Trump was challenged by the police over his recent Twitter gaffe about meeting the Prince of Whales

He was let off with a cetacean

What does a Twitter user and Schizophrenic have in common?

They both think outloud.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 - do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: It’s a fine.

MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.

Twitter screenshots aren't memes,

They're words of twisdom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were thinking of a password for their Twitter account.

The husband typed in "my penis" and the wife fell on the floor laughing when it said "error, not long enough."

Why did the twitter army lose all their battles?

Because they kept retweeting.

I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

What does Twitter and the court of law have in common?

Nobody wants to hear your story unless you have money.

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

EDIT I removed comments with α since some of you didn't like it.

Also this is an old joke . Look some posts from several years ago. https://twitter.com/biiimurray/status/361654153811996672.

http://www.su...

Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

Donald Trump is old enough not be expected to know how Twitter works.

He might think he's just messaging his friends.

Did you hear that Trump's twitter account got hacked?

Well, I didn't either, but I've got about as much evidence as he does about those wiretaps, so I'm sticking to my story.

Saw on twitter

Don’t worry if you missed 4:20 guys just smoke at 4:22 because it is 4:20 too

Elon Musk's Twitter is like a Tesla Model S

It goes from 0 to 100 in 1.9 seconds.

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

"Ebola" is trending on Twitter...

...does that mean it's gone viral?

So the Pope joined twitter so he can "Reach out to a younger generation."

He is certainly not the first Catholic to have done that.

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