I lost 25% of my tent.

But it's okay, now I have ten.

Correct this sentence: A man runs by a campsite

It’s “A man *ran* by a campsite” because it’s past tents

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Having sex whilst camping is stressful

It's fuckingintents

From my nephew: What kind of tents do dogs sleep in?

Pup tents

Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

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What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

Attila's wife enters their tent

"im home hun"

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Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

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Ever have sex while camping?

It’s fucking in tents

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I thought I’d try going to a swingers camping trip, but I was too shy to participate.

It was two fucking in tents for me.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...

In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".

*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*

*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.

*"I see the infinit...

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

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My brother and I were setting up a tent...

Well, he's a bit clumsy, always been. He slipped and fell back on the pile of metal poles. Got himself right in the arse. I had to take him to the hospital and everything.

It wasn't too bad, all in all, but he did have to get a tentanus shot.

I apologize for this terrible pun, but it w...

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent and asks “Sir, I’ve lost my rifle, What do I have to do to get another” The Commanding officer says “Well if that’s the case we will take the 700 pounds out of your pay check to purchase a new one” the officer turns around to fill out the paper work ...

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

Why did the tent company get no investors?

It was tough to pitch.

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

The world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Ho...

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A man burst into the Elder's tent, saying that his son had spotted a werewolf and it wished to speak to him.

The Elder had the boy lead them all to where he saw it and when they all get there, all they see is a regular wolf, standing patiently at the line of stones that marked the border of the village.

The Elder approached it carefully, eyeing the wolf. "You." He spoke, "Wished to speak to me?"
...

What is a mushroom in a tent?

A Campingon.

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It's so hard

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: What’s that horse for?

Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: Ah, it is ok.

One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier broug...

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Everyone should try sex in a tent at least once...

It's fucking intense

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The Three Tent Test

A white man is captured by an Indian tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the man "we'll let you live if you can pass the Three Tent Test." The white man agrees very quickly, and then asks what the test actually is.

The chief says "we have 3 teepees lined up here. In the first teepee is a jar...

Is it I 'ran' through the campground?

Or...I 'run' through the campground?

Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.

Two guys camping in the woods wake up to the sound of a bear growling outside their tent.

One guy jumps straight out of the tent, naked as the day he was born, and starts running for his life. He looks behind him to see his pal just finish tying his laces, and only then start running.

"Why the hell did you waste time putting on your trainers" he yells back at him. "That won't help...

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The new General is shown the officers tent in the desert.

General: "So Captain, between you and me what do the men do to relieve the *cough* stress around here?"

Captain: *smiles* "Say no more Sir"

The Captain pokes his head out the tent and whistles over to a private and gives him a wink and gestures to the officers tent.

Captain to t...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and mi...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

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A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

An Agitated Man Rushes to the Psychologist

The Agitated Man tells the psychologist frantically,
"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam,
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!"

The psychologist tells the man,
"Hey, relax, you're two tents!"

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A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

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An old Indian living in a tent....

An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him "Old Indian, what's your name?" The old Indian says "Bowels". Construction workers say "Well, you're going to have to move. We're building some...

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddi...

I recently took a pole

I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.

The Indian Who Never Forgets

A man was on they way to visit his mother-in-law. The train made a stop next to a small Indian village. The man had heard that in this particular village there was a famous Indian Who Never Forgets. The man thought to himself, "that can't be true, he must forget at least once in a while," so he soug...

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Three men were sleeping in a tent all in a row...

In the morning when they all wake up, the man on the left says:

"I had the weirdest dream last night - I dreamt that someone was pulling my cock"

The man on the right looks instantly surprised and says:

"Now that is strange, I had exactly the same dream - that someone was pulli...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.

...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...

A boy scout and a nerd go for camping

They slept inside their tent but in the middle of the night the boy scout wakes up the nerd and asks him what's above them.
Nerd: A sky full of stars

Boy scout:What does that imply?

Nerd:Obviously it means that the Earth is after all only a small part of the universe and there mig...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Big Chief

There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man.

"Big Chief no fart!" Said the Chief.

"Take this herbal remedy" said the Medic...

Penguin at the bar

A guy walks into a pub. He orders a pint at the bar and looks around the place. Suddenly, he noticed a penguin in a corner, reading a newspaper. The penguin then downs a pint next to him and leaves. The guy's so shocked he couldn't do anything. He runs to the bartender and goes:-What the hell was th...

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A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt


The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees. The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp. The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on saf...

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It had been a great night at the circus, but the climax was yet to come...

For the grand finale, the crocodile tamer came to the center of the tent. He let the crocodile do some tricks before letting him jump on the table, preparing for the great climax.

The tamer asked the audience for absolute silence. He opened the jaws of the crocodile, pulled out his penis, and...

A poem on Timbuktu

A writer and a student were in the finals of a poem tournament and were both given 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu. The writer was up first and he goes:

“On the lonely desert sands,
crossed a lonely caravan,
men on camels two by two,
destination Timbuktu.”
<...

dreaming

So a person goes to a psychiatrist and tells the guy this: I keep dreaming that I'm either a wigwam or a teepee and it won't stop. so the psychiatrist says that he should relax because he is two tents.

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Went camping last weekend and woke up at three in the morning to the most amazing site of the milky way galaxy.

Where the fuck is my tent?
Sight,fuck

A Man's wife dies and at the funeral...

He is standing beside the coffin giving a speach about how much he loved her, thinking about all the good times they had together. When he was done he started to walk off, only to notice that he was pitching a tent big enough to house. His family is shocked and they all gasp, to which he replies
...

Lone Ranger camping

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?...

Why are ugly women pretty intense?

Because there is no light in tents.

Damn Carnies

A redditor is at a carnival when he walks up to the fortune tellers tent. Inside sits an old gypsie lady infront of her crystal ball and tarot cards. Not wanting to be scammed first he tries to haggle the price down. When she won't budge he asks for some proof she can tell the future and he will com...

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Paddy and Mick go camping...

Paddy and Mick decide to go camping.

They pack their bags with food and supplies and head off into the woods.

After eight long hours of walking, Paddy turns to Mick and asks, “Shall we set up camp?”

“No,” Mick replies. “Let’s keep walking some.”

They move deeper into the ...

A man goes in to see the doctor

He says, “Doctor, you have to help. The stress is getting to me. I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam.”

The doctor interrupts him and says, “Relax man, you’re two tents.”

A swedish reporter traveled to Finland during WW2 to interview a finnish soldier...

Once in Finland, he found a soldier sitting outside some tents.
The reporter sat down beside the man and asked:
”Can you tell me how you feel about beeing a finnish soldier?”

Well, the soldier said, as a finnish soldier you have two alternatives.
Either you live or you die.
If you...

My brother and I were fighting each other yesterday at our campfire

It was in tents

There's this man stranded in the desert

He has been dehydrated for over 2 days, and almost gives up all hope, when he sees a tent, with people!

He sums up the strength to get there, when the man running the tent sees him.

"Hello do you need anything?"

"Water, I need Water"

"Well, I'm sorry sir, but we only sell...

We recently had campground olympics

Yeah, the competition was in tents

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Holmes and Watson are out on a camping trip

Finally away from work, Dr Watson and Sherlock Holmes decide to spend there time off the great outsiders They set up their camp, get a fire roaring, put up their tent and get ready for the evening in the wild. After a nice meal, the two detectives decide it’s time to head on to bed. They both crawl ...

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