An illiterate dad and his son who has a PhD in astrology went camping.

They unpacked and set up their tent. After dinner they went to sleep. A few hours later dad woke and was looking at the stars.

He woke his son up and asked him, "what do you see?"

He son said, "astronomically, it tells you that there are a lot of galaxies out there,"

His father...

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran because it's past tents.

My friend likes to setup a poker table in his tent when we go camping.

The game gets intense.

I lost 25% of my tent.

But it's okay, now I have ten.

Definition of Evil intent.....

Satan living in a wigwam.

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

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Having sex whilst camping is stressful

It's fuckingintents

From my nephew: What kind of tents do dogs sleep in?

Pup tents

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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

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What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

Attila's wife enters their tent

"im home hun"

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

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Having sex while camping is NOT for the faint of heart.

It’s fuckin’ in tents

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...

In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".

*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*

*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.

*"I see the infinit...

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Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

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My brother and I were setting up a tent...

Well, he's a bit clumsy, always been. He slipped and fell back on the pile of metal poles. Got himself right in the arse. I had to take him to the hospital and everything.

It wasn't too bad, all in all, but he did have to get a tentanus shot.

I apologize for this terrible pun, but it w...

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent and asks “Sir, I’ve lost my rifle, What do I have to do to get another” The Commanding officer says “Well if that’s the case we will take the 700 pounds out of your pay check to purchase a new one” the officer turns around to fill out the paper work ...

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A man burst into the Elder's tent, saying that his son had spotted a werewolf and it wished to speak to him.

The Elder had the boy lead them all to where he saw it and when they all get there, all they see is a regular wolf, standing patiently at the line of stones that marked the border of the village.

The Elder approached it carefully, eyeing the wolf. "You." He spoke, "Wished to speak to me?"
...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

The world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Ho...

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

What is a mushroom in a tent?

A Campingon.

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It's so hard

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: What’s that horse for?

Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: Ah, it is ok.

One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier broug...

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The Three Tent Test

A white man is captured by an Indian tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the man "we'll let you live if you can pass the Three Tent Test." The white man agrees very quickly, and then asks what the test actually is.

The chief says "we have 3 teepees lined up here. In the first teepee is a jar...

Is it I 'ran' through the campground?

Or...I 'run' through the campground?

Oh right, I ran, because its past tents.

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I tried having sex with a tent once...

But I couldn't get it up

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I had sex in a tent last night

It was fucking intense

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The new General is shown the officers tent in the desert.

General: "So Captain, between you and me what do the men do to relieve the *cough* stress around here?"

Captain: *smiles* "Say no more Sir"

The Captain pokes his head out the tent and whistles over to a private and gives him a wink and gestures to the officers tent.

Captain to t...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and mi...

What's a tents favorite kind of meat?

Stakes

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

An Agitated Man Rushes to the Psychologist

The Agitated Man tells the psychologist frantically,
"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam,
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!"

The psychologist tells the man,
"Hey, relax, you're two tents!"

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A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

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Did you hear about the orgy at the circus?

It was fucking in-tents.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.

...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...

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An old Indian living in a tent....

An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him "Old Indian, what's your name?" The old Indian says "Bowels". Construction workers say "Well, you're going to have to move. We're building some...

The Indian Who Never Forgets

A man was on they way to visit his mother-in-law. The train made a stop next to a small Indian village. The man had heard that in this particular village there was a famous Indian Who Never Forgets. The man thought to himself, "that can't be true, he must forget at least once in a while," so he soug...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip

They set out In the afternoon and arrive at their location a few hours before dark. They set up their tent and camp fire before going to bed.

In the middle of the night Sherlock Holmes wakes up Watson and says,
"Look up Watson, what do you see?"
Watson looks up at the sky, it's a beaut...

Dear Apple: please stop autocorrecting things like “he HAD gone camping” and “he HAS gone camping”

Spelling mistakes are one thing, but don’t assume you know what tents I wanted to use.

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A young Arab boy asks his dad....

A young Arab boy asks his dad "what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed...

Big Chief

There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man.

"Big Chief no fart!" Said the Chief.

"Take this herbal remedy" said the Medic...

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Three men were sleeping in a tent all in a row...

In the morning when they all wake up, the man on the left says:

"I had the weirdest dream last night - I dreamt that someone was pulling my cock"

The man on the right looks instantly surprised and says:

"Now that is strange, I had exactly the same dream - that someone was pulli...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

A psychiatrist arrives for a house call and is greeted by a panicked mother

Who shows him to her son’s room. Her son had taken an extreme interest in First Nations culture in the past years going as far as packing his room with First Nations ornaments and trinkets and even changing his name to Spirit Eagle. However, the interesting state of his room was over shadowed by the...

Common sense

An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set-up their tent and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astrono...

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

You know what they say about banging on a camping trip...

...it's in tents!

I recently took a pole

I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.

This Man's Wife Wouldn't Let Him Go
With His Friends. Then He Does This.

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for
many years.

A few days before the group's annual departure date,
John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't
going. John's fishing buddi...

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An American shoe and an Australian married shoe enter a bar....

The Australian shoes says to his friend

"I got a big favor to ask you,could you nail my soulmate, please?"

"Really? Wont you get mad?!"

"Of course not, youre my best friend"

"But...why?!"

"Its something i cant do myself since i dont feel confident enough"

"....

An American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The 2 finalists for this prestigious annual poem contest was an American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The rules were simple, come up with an poem on the spot that ends in tim-buc-tu.

The professor turned in his first. It read:

As I walked across the burn...

Camping is the best extreme sport

It's in tents

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

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A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt


The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees. The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp. The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on saf...

A boy scout and a nerd go for camping

They slept inside their tent but in the middle of the night the boy scout wakes up the nerd and asks him what's above them.
Nerd: A sky full of stars

Boy scout:What does that imply?

Nerd:Obviously it means that the Earth is after all only a small part of the universe and there mig...

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It had been a great night at the circus, but the climax was yet to come...

For the grand finale, the crocodile tamer came to the center of the tent. He let the crocodile do some tricks before letting him jump on the table, preparing for the great climax.

The tamer asked the audience for absolute silence. He opened the jaws of the crocodile, pulled out his penis, and...

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