This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.

​

The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.

​

He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small,...

What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ever have sex while camping?

It’s fucking in tents

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...

In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".

*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*

*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.

*"I see the infinit...

A guy goes to a museum

On the tour, the tour guide shows them an exhibition and tells them, "this is the very first, teepee designed to securely hold criminals. The Native Americans used it to house convicts".

The next day, the guy is passing the museum and sees they are taking down the name on the front of the mus...

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent and asks “Sir, I’ve lost my rifle, What do I have to do to get another” The Commanding officer says “Well if that’s the case we will take the 700 pounds out of your pay check to purchase a new one” the officer turns around to fill out the paper work ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My brother and I were setting up a tent...

Well, he's a bit clumsy, always been. He slipped and fell back on the pile of metal poles. Got himself right in the arse. I had to take him to the hospital and everything.

It wasn't too bad, all in all, but he did have to get a tentanus shot.

I apologize for this terrible pun, but it w...

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

You can't run through a camp site.

You can only ran, because its past tents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone should try sex in a tent at least once...

It's fucking intense

Two guys camping in the woods wake up to the sound of a bear growling outside their tent.

One guy jumps straight out of the tent, naked as the day he was born, and starts running for his life. He looks behind him to see his pal just finish tying his laces, and only then start running.

"Why the hell did you waste time putting on your trainers" he yells back at him. "That won't help...

What is a mushroom in a tent?

A Campingon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's so hard

A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.

Captain: What’s that horse for?

Soldier: Our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.

Captain: Ah, it is ok.

One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier broug...

Why did the tent company get no investors?

It was tough to pitch.

The world's funniest joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said:
"Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Three Tent Test

A white man is captured by an Indian tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the man "we'll let you live if you can pass the Three Tent Test." The white man agrees very quickly, and then asks what the test actually is.

The chief says "we have 3 teepees lined up here. In the first teepee is a jar...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and mi...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

What's a tents favorite kind of meat?

Stakes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do they need one ?

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"
Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"
Sa...

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The new General is shown the officers tent in the desert.

General: "So Captain, between you and me what do the men do to relieve the *cough* stress around here?"

Captain: *smiles* "Say no more Sir"

The Captain pokes his head out the tent and whistles over to a private and gives him a wink and gestures to the officers tent.

Captain to t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4.
I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Indian living in a tent....

An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him "Old Indian, what's your name?" The old Indian says "Bowels". Construction workers say "Well, you're going to have to move. We're building some...

A duck walks into a bar...

... and walks up to the bartender to order a pint of lager and a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender is flabbergasted to see a talking duck, but then quickly proceeds to pour the duck his drink and fetch his sandwich after seeing him get impatient

A few weeks pass and the duck becomes qui...

I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.

...Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men were sleeping in a tent all in a row...

In the morning when they all wake up, the man on the left says:

"I had the weirdest dream last night - I dreamt that someone was pulling my cock"

The man on the right looks instantly surprised and says:

"Now that is strange, I had exactly the same dream - that someone was pulli...

Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up from a nightmare in a cold sweat

He wakes his wife up to tell her about the dream.

"Honey, i dreamt I was a wigwam."

"A wigwam?"

"Exactly! A wigwam!"

His wife is disinterested, because this appears not to be scary or a nightmare.

He tries to tell his friends about it, but they aren't interested e...

The Indian Who Never Forgets

A man was on they way to visit his mother-in-law. The train made a stop next to a small Indian village. The man had heard that in this particular village there was a famous Indian Who Never Forgets. The man thought to himself, "that can't be true, he must forget at least once in a while," so he soug...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timbuktu

My dad was a mechanic, old school, he had a lot of jokes he told me. I've told some in comments but I guess a new post might be pertinent.

Here is one:

> The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduat...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Friends decided to go hunting together

Later, as the day darkens, they lay down their tents and settle down around a fire. After eating and chatting for a while, one of the hunters gets tired, and goes to sleep.

Half an hour later, one of the two awake hunters gets an idea.

"You know what would be really funny? We still hav...

Did you hear about the hostage standoff with the campers?

It was in tents.

Big Chief

There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man.

"Big Chief no fart!" Said the Chief.

"Take this herbal remedy" said the Medic...

I was trying to get storm insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping

Towards the end of the evening, they decide to turn into their tent and sleep.

Around 3AM, Sherlock rouses Watson awake

"Watson! Watson!!"

Watson opens his eyes and sees a beautiful night sky full of shimmering stars.

"What do you see Watson?"

"Well Dr Holmes, I se...

It only cost 5 cents to get into our local aquarium, as long as you're camping, or dressed as a dolphin,

So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camped in the woods while investigating a case.

They go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes Watson. He says, "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."

Watson says, "Well, I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that tell you?"

"Well, I think it means that we'll have another nice day tomorrow. How about you?"
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just got back from a weekend camping trip with a bunch of swingers.

It was fucking in tents.

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

I never go camping with only one other person

It's just two in tents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke my dad told me when I was little

Three men decide to take a hunting trip. They get to the camping site and set up their tent and immediately get ready and set out on their first day of hunting. After an hour or so one of the men, frustrated and tired of not bagging any animals yet decided to lean up against a tree and take a rest w...

Donkey screws a girl

A new circus rolls into New York. Despite the new and wonderful acts, the circus keeps running at half-house.

Worried about his fortunes, the circus owner erects a board saying, 'Never seen before Act, at an invitational price of $69.... Donkey Screws a Girl'

As predicted, the show qui...

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson decide to go camping together

They set up their tent, go inside and fall asleep.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up

"Watson, look up and tell me what you see"

Watson replies, "I see thousands and thousands of stars"

Sherlock then says, "And what can you conclude from that?"

Wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s it like to be in a native american orgy?

It’s fucking in tents!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A town holds a poetry competition every year

The participants are given a word for that year and everybody must make up a poem on the spot using that word. The competition has dwindled down to only two contestants. For the final round, the two finalists must make up a poem using the word "Timbuktu."

The first guy goes to the podium and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cowboy is out riding on his trusty old stallion when he's captured by Native Americans

After he's taken back to their camp and tied up to a the natives leave to prepare for a ritual sacrifice, he whispers to his horse to go to the nearest town to get help. Now his horse is slightly deaf but he still takes off to save his master. Moments later, the horse returns with a beautiful blonde...

A reporter was interviewing members of the Army, Navy and Air Force in Afghanistan...

He asked them what they would do if they woke up and found a camel spider in their tent.

The soldier said "I would leap on it and kill it with my bayonet."

The sailor said "I would crush it to death with one of my sea-boots."

The pilot said "I would call reception and ask them w...

I went to the doctor, i told them most times i feel like a wigwam but then other times i feel like a teepee.

They said I’m two tents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher has a class full of rednecks.

She asks someone to use the word 'Timbuktu' in a story.

A scrawny kid in the back raises his hand and recites proudly:

Tim and me, a hikin' we went,
Till we found three whores in a pitch-up tent.
They were three and we were two;
So I buck one and Tim buck two!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men went camping.

They head out of town to a remote place in the woods.

While setting up the tent one of the men gets bitten by a rattlesnake on his dick.

The man was in pain and couldn’t move.

“I’ll run to town and ask the doctor what I need to do” said the second man.

The second man ran ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite joke my dad’s told me to date

Two men, were interviewing for a management-level position at a prestigious company, and had made it to the final phase of the process. They were going to be interviewed by the CEO to see who was best for the job.

One of the men was a Harvard grad who had a degree in economics and a history o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three good friends always wanted to go to Africa.

They saved all the money they could get, and finally went on their dream safari.

On one day of the safari, one of them proposed going to the nearest city for cheap girls and booze. One agreed, while the other said that he doesn't want to spend money on such normal things during a one-in-a-lif...

Two couples decided to go camping one weekend...

so they pick out a nice little area to set up camp. What they didn't realize is they set up camp on a Native American reservation. Not only that, they only brought one small tent!

So after setting up camp and having a delicious fish dinner the couples decide to hit the hay for the night but t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine, a Navy Sailor, and an Air Force Pilot are all captured by an ISIS Witch Doctor..

The Witch Doctor goes to each of the men and says "I will grant you all one wish, however at the end you will be killed and made a part of my tent."

The sailor is up first and says "I wish to see my girlfriend one last time" the witch doctor conjures the sailors girlfriend and they say goodby...

The best way to go back in time is to walk around a campground.

Before long your sure to be past tents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I had sex while I was camping“ - “Let me guess ...

... it was fucking in tents?“ - “Extremely intense! And I was told animal abuse, too.“

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar

Walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of vodka.
The bartender looks at the customer bewildered, not able to
understand how a duck is able to talk. So he pours it a shot of
vodka and watches the animal. The duck drinks its shot, pays
and walks out. The next day the same thing hap...

A guy goes to a psychiatrist.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.

They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.

A while later, the tent owner ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've started a new porn business where I film unsuspecting real campers having sex and man is it exhilarating!

Its Really Fucking In Tents!

Sherlock and Watson are camping in the woods.

They set up their tent before dusk, and get right to sleep.

At 2:17 A.M., Sherlock wakes up, and shakes Watson awake. He says to Watson, "What do you see out there?"

Watson stares at the countless stars, and says "God has set before us a vast void, and filled it with celestial snow. Tr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is homeless person sex like?

In tents

Sherlock and Watson go camping

Sherlock wakes up at 3 AM, wakes up Watson and asks him:

"Watson, look at the sky. What does it tell you?"

"The weather is clear, a bit cloudy." he replies.

"What else?"

"The stars we see right there form the Orion constellation."

"Elementary my dear Watson..." say...