UPJOKE
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A priest, an atheist, and a rabbit walk into a blood donor tent

The rabbit says "I might be a type O"

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

After noticing traces of a suspicious white powder on the ground inside the Iraqi General's tent HQ...

...I asked what his policy was on cocaine use.










He shrugged and said, "That's my line in the sand."

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

Duck walks into a pub...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck, now can I have my b...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

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Have you ever had sex while camping?

It's fucking in tents.

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Woodstock was full of hippies, high-potency drugs and all-day music

At night it was fucking in tents.

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

A lieutenant is freshly stationed in the middle of the desert.

When he first arrives he notices the men all caring for a camel. Bathing it, feeding it their best food, and treating it like a goddess. The lieutenant ask the sergeant why the men are taking such good care of the camel. The sergeant goes on to explain how if the men are ever feeling “lonely” they u...

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost

They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He...

What's the difference between a tent and a canopy?

I've never drank from a tent before..

There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.

They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.

The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."

The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.

The old country man then goes, "Tim an...

A men on his deathbed was speaking to his wife

"Dear wife. As I'm going to leave I need to make some confessions to you. You remember the time we went camping? I cheated on you with the hippies next tent."

"Oh Darling" answers the wife with a sorrowful face "I suspected it but it is forgiven."

The man continues "And when this nice ...

I hate winter…

I hate the snow, the ice, the cold. In these times I think of the 4-man tent I bought on sale sometime around 1995. It’s a basic tent, and it was a great value when I got it. It’s hardly used now and just sits in my garage. I get such Winter Blues that I think about setting the tent up in the back y...

I lost 25% of my tent.

But it's okay, now I have ten.

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

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as a volunteer medical assistant I worked at an impromptu doctor's office in new orleans after hurricane katrina..

We set up tents in order to give our patients a little bit of privacy and unfortunately we were lacking in the equipment we needed. The doctors had to resort to somewhat extreme measures in order to help this ravaged population which meant reusing equipment that could be, and making sure everything ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

Did you know there are tents surviving that Genghis Khan used to sleep in? I just scored one on eBay!

Thought you would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

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A circus is in town, famed for it's lion tamer

The evening is unfolding and the anticipated act is upon the audience.

Rings of fire and whips cracking. For the final act the lion tamer climbs up on a pedestal, unzips his pants to pull out his member. The largest and most ferocious lion opens its maw on command. The lion tamer places his e...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

A man walks up to me and says

"I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

I said, "relax man. You're too tents!"

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

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I took my new girlfriend camping for the first time last weekend.

The sex was in tents.

John leaves the tent where he is with his girlfriend in the campsite late in the evening.

- John, where you go?

- I’m going to pee outside. Be right back!

Two minutes later when he sits next to his girlfriend:

- John! It’s raining?

- Nah! Just a lil bit windy!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping

One crisp, clear fall day Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After a meal by the campfire followed by a serviceable bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Dr. Watson shakes his friend awake.

"Sherlock, look up at the ...

Two men are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks

Two men, Paul and John, are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks. Unable to set it up for the incoming night until they can find a replacement, they decide they'll need to stay round someone's house who's willing to let the men in.

Paul and John go around knocking at houses and getting reje...

A Hindu man an a Christian man were walking down the street.

As they were walking down the street, the circus drives by. There's the tent, there's a little car filled with clowns, and there's the trailers filled with animals.

As the animals are going by, the Christian man looks over and sees the elephants. He says to the Hindu man, "hey that elephant l...

It's just coming in to winter where I live, so I pitched a tent and put a disco ball inside.

Because now is the winter of my disco tent.

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...

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Mrs. Rosentein is walking her poodle down 5th Avenue, when she ran into her good friend Gladys Goldberg

"Gladys! It's been so long since I've last seen you, where have you been?"

"Oh, Blanche, Ira and I went on safari in Africa, and let me tell you, it was horrible!"

"Horrible? How was it horrible?"

"Well, first, Ira lost our tickets, so we had to fly coach all the way from New Y...

A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...

In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.

In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.

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I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

Why Can't You Run Through A Campground

You can only "ran" because it's past tents.

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A father gives all 3 of his boys $5 to spend at the fair.

The first boy sees a tent that says "$5 for a blow job" so he decides to go in as he is curious what they feel like. The second boy decides to follow his brother to the blowjob tent. The two boys get sucked for about an hour and by the end of it, it's time to go back to their father. The first boy a...

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Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

Me and a friend went camping. We pitched our tent, went fishing, then got in our tent and went to bed.

At around midnight, I woke up and looked at the stars. I told my friend, “Look! The stars! Do you know what that means?” He says, “The stars are other planets. Does that mean there could be other life out there?”

I told him, “You idiot. It means someone stole our tent.”

Doc...I had a dream two nights ago I was a pop up tent and last light I dreamt I was an Inflatable Tent. What does it mean????

Well Bob I would say you need to relax...you're just two tents.

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

My friend likes to setup a poker table in his tent when we go camping.

The game gets intense.

Why was the camper upset when he learned the campground was RVs only?

He was just a tents guy.

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

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Have you heard about the orgy at the campground?

It’s fucking in tents.

I was on a camping trip when the coronavirus outbreak was announced. To try to stop the spread, we stayed in our tents all day. I guess you could say,

the camping trip was in tents.

What do you call a prison escapee that is hiding in a camping shelter?

Criminal in tent.

What do you call someone who sets up teepees for a living?

A cone tent creator

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

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Pitching a tent is a lot like sex

The pole goes in the hole and if you fuck it up it’s a pain in the ass

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What does Hitler call the area around his tent?

Mein Kampf

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Duck joke. Yes another one.

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman is amazed by a speaking duck and discovers the duck is in town for a few weeks working on a local building site. Over a week they become good friends.

One day a travelling circus get into town and the owner also comes into the bar for a dri...

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My brother and I were setting up a tent...

Well, he's a bit clumsy, always been. He slipped and fell back on the pile of metal poles. Got himself right in the arse. I had to take him to the hospital and everything.

It wasn't too bad, all in all, but he did have to get a tentanus shot.

I apologize for this terrible pun, but it w...

My friend asked me what I do for a living. I told him I mostly deal with campers and toothed whales,

For all in tents and porpoises.

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Dear Mom and Dad

We are having a great time here at Camp CatchaCough. Our Scoutmaster is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain look...

I took a pole and found out that 100% of people

were angry when the tent fell down.

Why did the tent company get no investors?

It was tough to pitch.

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I told my therapist about two dreams I had this past week. On Monday, I dreamed I was a teepee. On Tuesday, I dreamed I was a wigwam.

He said, “You have to try to relax, It looks like you’re two tents.”

Attila's wife enters their tent

"im home hun"

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...

In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".

*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*

*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.

*"I see the infinit...

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent

A soldier walks into his commanding officers tent and asks “Sir, I’ve lost my rifle, What do I have to do to get another” The Commanding officer says “Well if that’s the case we will take the 700 pounds out of your pay check to purchase a new one” the officer turns around to fill out the paper work ...

A man in his 80’s went to a doctor with his beautiful, breathtaking 25 year old lady.

Doctor helped the frail old man in his clinic: What can I do for you today, sir?

Old man said to the Dr: I married this beautiful angel 2 months ago, and she is pregnant with my baby. At this age, I forgot how to care for the mother, I want to seek your advice.

Doctor a little taken ...

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Two brothers Matt and John go camping in the woods

When they arrive where they want to camp, they make dinner, have a few beers, but realize they forgot one of their two one-person tents at home. They decide to play rock/paper/scissors to see who gets to sleep in the tent and who has to sleep outside. Matt wins and so they both climb in their sleepi...

I'm going to sabotage the winners' tents in the next boy scouts competition...

I'll knock them down a peg or two

What is a mushroom in a tent?

A Campingon.

A man goes to a wedding

And they celebrate as normal until the reception. When he enters the tents, he sees several queues. He sees one to take a picture with the bride and groom, one to throw something at the Mother-in-law, one to pin the dress on the bridesmaid-or if you’re lucky, unpin-, one to request music, one to dan...

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I had sex in a tent last night

It was fucking intense

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A man burst into the Elder's tent, saying that his son had spotted a werewolf and it wished to speak to him.

The Elder had the boy lead them all to where he saw it and when they all get there, all they see is a regular wolf, standing patiently at the line of stones that marked the border of the village.

The Elder approached it carefully, eyeing the wolf. "You." He spoke, "Wished to speak to me?"
...

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

Two men die at exactly the same time

When they get to the pearly gates St. Peter tells them that rules are rules and he can only allow one of them to enter, but to keep it fair, he’ll allow the one who can come up with a poem with the last line Timbuktu. The men think a while, and the first man says “OK, I’ve got mine!” St. Peter says ...

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

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The Three Tent Test

A white man is captured by an Indian tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the man "we'll let you live if you can pass the Three Tent Test." The white man agrees very quickly, and then asks what the test actually is.

The chief says "we have 3 teepees lined up here. In the first teepee is a jar...

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Having a bad day and need your spare funny NSFW jokes. Help me Reddi-wan your my only joke!

So this cowboy goes out riding. Gets captured by natives and is told that now is a holy time so he may live in their camp for 3 days while the holy time comes to a close. The cowboy agrees (like he had a choice)

First day he askes his guard if he can go talk to his horse. The guard wants to k...

A camping joke

2 men are camping, when they see it's getting dark outside.

Man 1 pops up his tent. Unfortunately, it only has space for 1 person.

Man 2 is sleeping outside when bears come out. The bears are chased out by Man 2's knife.

Later, the bears come out again. Man 2, again, chases them...

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

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Dirty Old Man Joke #536

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed fi...

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The new General is shown the officers tent in the desert.

General: "So Captain, between you and me what do the men do to relieve the *cough* stress around here?"

Captain: *smiles* "Say no more Sir"

The Captain pokes his head out the tent and whistles over to a private and gives him a wink and gestures to the officers tent.

Captain to t...

What's a tents favorite kind of meat?

Stakes

A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up.

A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity and has his way with him.

The gorilla takes off and the lion takes off after him. The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit and a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down and pr...

Did you hear about the circus fire?

It was in tents.

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Why don't tents have locks.

Because black people don't go camping.

I couldn't sleep camping last night...

I couldn't sleep last night in my tent because of noise. I got up and followed the sound into some nearby woods. Deep inside I discovered a clearing in the middle of which was a DJ setup with dance music blaring out with smoke and flashing lights. Behind the decks there was a huge but rather worse-...

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be...

A freshly minted U.S Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan

A freshly minted U.S. Army lieutenant is assigned to a base in Afghanistan. He walks around the base and sees everything is regulation except there’s a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp.

The lieutenant asks one of the men who has been there awhile why there’s a camel. The soldier e...

An old Lithuanian joke (roughly translated)

Two men of which one had a really bad stutter decided to climb mount everest. They set up at the bottom, waved to everyone who came to wish them luck and started climbing... Around 8 hours of exhausting climbing later the one with the stutter goes "I-I-I f-f-f-f" the other one cuts him off and goes ...

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were having a conversation.

Sherlock turned to Watson. "Observe the stars above us and the grass below us, what can you deduce? You know my methods."

Watson thought carefully. "From the position of the stars, i can deduce our approximate location, as well as the month. The grass is moist, so it has obviously rained rece...

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An old Indian living in a tent....

An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him "Old Indian, what's your name?" The old Indian says "Bowels". Construction workers say "Well, you're going to have to move. We're building some...

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Circus

They just opened a circus in my hometown. I went last Saturday. All I could say is that it was in tents.

When I was hiking in the woods I stumbled upon a beauty pageant jamboree.

It was pretty in tents.

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