What has feathers and a beak and goes quick?

A South African duck!

A 50 kg woman , 50 kg of feather , and 50 kg of steel ,which one is heavier?

The woman

Because girls lie about their weight

Whats heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is feathers.

If you have 200 pounds of bricks it’s just a pile of bricks. If you have 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry around what you did to those poor birds

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

A Son named feather...

A son named Feather went up to his mother and asked, "mom, why did you name me Feather?", she answered "because when you were born, a feather fell onto your head"


After this, her next son, Paper asked "mom, why did you name me Paper?" she responded "because when you were born, a paper f...

I caught my wife crying and eating feathers, so I asked her if she was depressed... she replied ..

'Just a little down in the mouth'.

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

Which side of a chicken has more feathers?

The outside.

My friend told me about the time his wife caught him sticking a feather up his ass.

He says he got off lightly.

Which weighs more - a tonne of steel or a tonne of feathers?

A tonne of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked the Redditor. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." answered the one known as Dan.

He continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

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Can birds fly without feathers?

And who was the heartless bastard who tested this out?

Why do ducks ruffle their feathers?

To make sure there covering their quack.

I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

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what do you call a sex doll stuffed with duck feathers?

down to fuck

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Why do ducks have feathers?

So they don’t show their butt-quack

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

What's heavier? 200kg bricks or 200kg feathers?

The feathers of course.

200kg bricks it's just some measure of bricks. But, if you want to lift 200kg feathers you need also handle what you've done to all these poor birds.

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Two men with a feather fetish

Two strangers, and Englishman and a Scotsman, are sitting at a bar chatting. They've both had a few drinks, so the conversation gets a bit more personal. It turns out they both have the same strange fetish—tickling a woman's ass with a feather. The Scotsman says, "Aye, ah luv it, but ah can never fi...

Which is heavier - 1000 kg of steel or 1000 kg of feathers?

Your mom.

A man walks into a bar to find its full of black feathers.

Its a crowbar.

Three young friends, lil' droplet, lil' feather and lil' brick ask their mothers about how they got their names...

Lil' droplet went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Lil' droplet?"

And so, Lil droplet's mother answered, "Well, it's because a little water droplet fell on your head the moment you were born."

Of course, Lil' droplet went off with glee, happy with the answer.

T...

A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.

"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."

In...

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I can't stop shitting out feathers.

I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome.

I was awoken last night by a strange, "cluck cluck cluck" sound and feathers falling on my face...

Must have been a poultry-geist...

A buddy of mine is working on a program to fit large birds with new clothes, but he only gives them to birds with black feathers.

I said "Wow, that's some ostracizing ostrich-sizing!"

So i tried reddit's advice and ate a kiwi without taking the skin off.

It was good. Kept getting feathers stuck in my teeth though.

Erotic is using a feather…

…kinky is using the whole chicken...

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Horny Cock

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you.
...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

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The purple feather

Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . "A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked "how did you find this?" Billy replied "I w...

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

Ruffled feathers ahead.

What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.

Did you hear about the bird that lost all of its feathers in a volcano?

It was moltin'.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

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TIL Doctors can screen for STDs by placing a feather along the skin between the penis and the butthole.

Doctors don't use this screening method, however, because the test tickles.

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A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the Varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.

"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied. Indicating a nearby young brave,
He continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him ?" pointing to a second, older man,
"Three women, three feathers."


The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many fe...

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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So there is this bus driver...

And every time a pretty girl gets on the bus the driver looks at her and says "tickle your ass with a feather?"

And if the woman responds positively he goes with it. But if she responds negatively he says "particularly nasty weather?"

So there is a homeless man that regularly rides th...

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Feather or rain?

A Marine is sitting in a bar drinking and wondering why he hasn't had any luck with the ladies that night. He's young, fit, and in his dress uniform, but none of the ladies present want anything to do with him. He wonders if he should leave but watches a Soldier in his dress uniform enter the bar, w...

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Giovanni from the zoo

One day there was a gorilla stuck in Mrs. Johnson’s tree. She called the zoo and they said they’ll send Giovanni over to get him down. 20 minutes later the doorbell rings. Mrs Johnson opens the door and sees Giovanni standing there with a ladder a feather a pit bull and a shotgun. She asks “what’s a...

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Broke guy walks into a brothel...

Man: "All I have is $20 bucks, what can I get for that?"

Madame: "Fine. Go to door number 5 over there."

​

He goes to door number 5, and all he sees in there is a chicken. Being horny, and with no one around and having nothing to lose he quickly drops his pants and ...

Let me tell you story of a chicken.

Once there was a chicken. He was just like every other chicken, minding himself, keeping his beak clean, working the 9 to 5, the usual. Life was going good for him, until he made a life threatening choice. He had severely angered Hank “Road to Hell” Eagle, AKA “The Road” for short, a notorious mob b...

Does anyone know how to easily peel a kiwi?

All those feathers keep getting in the way

I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"

I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."

The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be e...

My little brother told me this one

“Why do ducks have feathers?” He says grinning through his teeth

“Why?”


“To cover there But-Quacks!” He says absolutely dyeing

A duck walks into a Mercedes dealership, and starts looking at cars.

A salesman approaches and says "can I help you sir"

The duck says "yes, I'm looking for a comfortable, yet fast car"

"Don't worry" says the duck "I have a well-paid job, and I can afford a Mercedes"

After some time the duck chooses a car and they retire to the salesman's office ...

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What does a girl do after she sucks a cock?

She spits out the feathers

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Reincarnation

Dave, who was completely wasted, returns home late at night and slips into bed next to his wife Susan, who was already tight asleep.
When he woke up, he saw a weird looking man standing next to his bed in a long white dress.

-"Who are you?", asked Dave.

-"I'm Saint Peter!"

-"...

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What's the difference between erotic and perverted?

Erotic is bringing a girl to orgasm with only a feather, perverted means the bird is still attached to it.

A guy walks into a bar...

As he's walking up to the bartender, he notices a little man, just sitting on the bar, at a little piano playing music. He looks at the bartender with amazement, "Wow, that is incredible!"

The bartender shrugs his shoulders, "If you think that's neat, I have a genie bottle here with a real ge...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

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A man walks into a bar holding a paper bag...

...and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender eyes the bag curiously as he finishes up filling the man’s cup. As he comes back to the table, his curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man, “what’s in the bag?”

Wordlessly, the man pulls out a small grand piano, a small piano ...

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A little tickle...

One day a drunk was sitting next to a corner. A guy standing on the corner said to an attractive woman "Tickle your ass with a feather?". The woman, offended, said "What did you say!?". The man says "Particularly nice weather", and the woman went along her way.

As the drunk watched, the man d...

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal t...

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English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub.

English man, French man and Italian man sat in a pub. Discussing how to please their ladies. The Italian say I kiss my way down my darling's body and she floats off the bed. The French man says I use a feather to tickle her clitoris followed by tantalising licking and my love floats two feet in the ...

A man bought a quick learning parrot...

... and while driving home from the pet store, he was talking on the phone. "SHUT UP!" he yelled into the phone and hung up.

A few days later he was watching a boxing match on TV and a guy in the stands yelled; "HIT HIM ON THE NOSE!"

The day after, the man was looking at horse racing f...

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A drunk watched the same guy leave a bar every night with a different woman.

One night he asked the guy what his secret is.

The guy replies, " I have the best pick-up line. When I see a woman I desire, I walk up to her and say, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' When she invariably says WHAT?, I say 'Particularly nasty weather'."

The drunk is impressed and deci...

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

A woman gets on a double decker bus.

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.

The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says “bit airy up there ma’am”

To which she replies, “what’d you expect, feathers?”