UPJOKE
quillbirdplumagebeakgooseparrotostrichfledgepenplumesquarerowmelaninhackleaftershaft

Which is heavier? 1kg of steel or 1kg of feathers?

The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

What side of the chicken has the most feathers?

The outside!

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What did The Magic Flute opera singer say when his son asked him whether his putting on a costume loaded with feathers meant that he was a homosexual?

Papa gay? No!

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A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.

The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."

The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised...

What do you call a person who has a good time with birds and feathers?

A Pheasant Plucker.

And to all you dyslexics out there, they are also enjoyable lovers.

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Dedicated to Amber Heard

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and ...

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Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks

What weighs more? A pound of steal, or a pound of feathers?

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

A strange man asks, "What weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?"

I don't care please just get out of my house!

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

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Horny Rooster

A farmer is in dire straights as his only rooster died. Desperate, he went to his neighbors farm to see if he might be able to purchase one of his.

The neighbor said he only had one for sale, but warned the farmer, this is one horny rooster. He'll screw pretty much anything!

With no ...

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A farmer was having an issue with his parrot

His parrot was getting into the chicken coop and having sex with all the hens. It was happening so much that they stopped laying eggs. The angry farmer told the parrot "if you have sex with any of my chickens again, I'm going to pluck every last feather out of your head!"

The next day the fa...

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What do you call a big rooster with black feathers?

Dave.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get a closer look at Dave, the big black cock I just mentioned.

What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

Three children named Feather, Droplet, and Brick went to their mother to ask why they were named so.

Feather went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Feather?" And the mother replied,"because when you were born, a feather fell on your forehead." Satisfied, Feather went away.

After Feather, Droplet went to his mother and asked,"Mother, why is my name Droplet?" And the mother repli...

A 50 kg woman , 50 kg of feather , and 50 kg of steel ,which one is heavier?

The woman

Because girls lie about their weight

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick

A mother had three kids called Drop, Feather, and Brick.

Perplexed, the first kid asks his mother "Mom, why did you named me Drop?"

And she says: "Because when you were born, a little drop fell in your head..."

The second kid asks: "Mom, why did you named me Feather?"

She...

Which is heavier, a kilogram of steel or a kilogram of feathers?

The answer is that its a trick question because I am American and don’t use those measurements

kinky.

what is the difference between erotic and kinky.?



Erotic is where you use a feather and kinky is where you use the whole chicken.

The difference between ravens and crows

Today I learned there are very few differences between ravens and crows. But one key difference is they have a different amount of tail feathers, so really, the difference is a matter of a pinion.



posted on behalf of my SO

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

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I heard dream catchers can catch your dreams,

is that why mine looks like a tight-knit spiraling butthole with white feather drip.


I'm no damn dirty hippie though, I only have it for Ass-thetic purposes.

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

Nitrogen triiodide will detonate violently due to random stray currents of air, the touch of a feather, or even a passing alpha particle.

... Still not as fragile as the male ego.

Yankee Doodle: *sticks feather in cap* This is called macaroni

Yankee Doodle's friend: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about you.

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The town drunk is sitting at a bar and notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar

As he works up his courage to approach her he sees another guy walk up to the woman and say a few words . Then the woman gets up and they both leave the bar.

The next day he’s at the same bar and there is a different beautiful woman. But before her can walk over, the same dude quickly w...

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A Rooster With No Feathers on His Rump Walks into a Bar.....

Bartender: Can I help you?

Bird: I understand you have cocktails

Crows v. Ravens

A bird watcher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've always wondered, what's the difference between a crow and a raven?" the bartender asks. "Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3," the bird wat...

A Son named feather...

A son named Feather went up to his mother and asked, "mom, why did you name me Feather?", she answered "because when you were born, a feather fell onto your head"


After this, her next son, Paper asked "mom, why did you name me Paper?" she responded "because when you were born, a paper f...

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

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Two men with a feather fetish

Two strangers, and Englishman and a Scotsman, are sitting at a bar chatting. They've both had a few drinks, so the conversation gets a bit more personal. It turns out they both have the same strange fetish—tickling a woman's ass with a feather. The Scotsman says, "Aye, ah luv it, but ah can never fi...

Three young friends, lil' droplet, lil' feather and lil' brick ask their mothers about how they got their names...

Lil' droplet went up to her mother and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Lil' droplet?"

And so, Lil droplet's mother answered, "Well, it's because a little water droplet fell on your head the moment you were born."

Of course, Lil' droplet went off with glee, happy with the answer.

T...

A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather

"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.

"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."

In...

"What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" asked the Redditor. "Ravens have seventeen wing feathers with the end feather called a pinion, in contrast to crows having only sixteen wing feathers." answered the one known as Dan.

He continued, "Therefore, it's just a matter of a pinion."

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My friend told me about the time his wife caught him sticking a feather up his ass.

He says he got off lightly.

I needed to catch a bear to complete my zoo…

So I called a bear catcher.

The bear catcher shows up in his truck the next day. He gets out of his truck with a feather, some rope and a gun along side his dog, Blue.

He says that Blue is an expert bear tracker. He will find us a bear and run it up a tree.

“I’m going to chase...

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Tickle your ass with a feather?

A homeless man is sitting on curb across from a bar. He watches a man across the way speaking to every woman who passes by. Eventually, he leaves with one of the women.  The next day, the same thing happens.  The next day, the homeless man inquires about the man’s secret. “Every woman who passes by,...

Which is heavier - 1000 kg of steel or 1000 kg of feathers?

Your mom.

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Parrot's bitchin to his owner about how he never gets laid

So the owner picks up the phone and calls a friend with a female parrot, asks how much the mating fee would be? Friend says fifty bucks and the owner says fine. So the owner brings the parrot to the friend's house and puts him in a dark room with the female parrot, goes to have a drink with his frie...

A mother had three sons: Leaf, Feather and Brick.

Leaf came one day to his mom and said: "Mom, why did you call me Leaf?"

"Well son, ", replied his mom, "When you were born a leaf fell on your head and it was so cute and I couldn't hold myself from naming you like that".

Years passed and Feather came one day to his mom and said: "Mom...

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"Tickle your a** with a feather?"

A young man decides to go out one evening and find himself a date.

He posts up at his local bar, and - after some liquid courage - decides to chat up a few ladies.

After a few hours of no luck, he notices an older gent sitting at the end of the bar, surrounded by beautiful women, lau...

If you like a good Sven and Ole joke. . .

Sven recently got promoted to Game Warden for his Minnesota district and was watching a beautiful flock of loon flying overhead. Suddenly, a shot rang out and one of the loon fell to the ground.

Sven, cursing, drove his truck over to where it fell, only to see his lifelong friend, Ole, picki...

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Why do birds have feathers?

To cover their butt-quacks.

..dad jokes for life!

The Marriage,,,

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
marking...

Saw a 19 year old lad outside the YMCA. He was stroking some Goose feathers. I said...

Young man. You don’t have to feel down...

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

Dead Rooster

A man was driving down a quiet country road when a rooster wandered into his path. The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow...

An inspector is going around the village, reviewing all the arrow-makers and their products. When the inspector reaches John the arrow-maker John tells him: "You know, these arrows are probably the worst in town. I'm really bad at putting the feathers on the end. I'm decent at the rest though."

The inspector looks up and replies: "Weird fletch but ok"

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Why do ducks have feathers?

So they don’t show their butt-quack

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what do you call a sex doll stuffed with duck feathers?

down to fuck

What's heavier? 200kg bricks or 200kg feathers?

The feathers of course.

200kg bricks it's just some measure of bricks. But, if you want to lift 200kg feathers you need also handle what you've done to all these poor birds.

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The purple feather

Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . "A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked "how did you find this?" Billy replied "I w...

An owl walks into a bar, and hops up on a stool. “Pull me a Guiness,” he says.

The bartender is a bit confused because he never had a talking animal in his bar before, but the owl has a little drawstring purse around his neck and puts the money down on the bar. So the bartender pulls him his Guiness, and as he’s handing it to the fellow, he notices that the owl has one wing in...

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

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I can't stop shitting out feathers.

I think I've got Irritable owl syndrome.

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What's a blonde do to a cock before she sucks it?

Plucks the feathers.

A man walks into a bar to find its full of black feathers.

Its a crowbar.

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Don't Eat Chicken Sandwiches!

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwi...

Why do ducks ruffle their feathers?

To make sure there covering their quack.

The famed Montana Buffalo Steak

A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels. He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever herd of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestur...

A young blind man is staring vacantly at the dairy aisle at the grocers.

A staff member comes up and asks if she can help him.

“Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me what milk is?” She seems perplexed but answers “well, milk is a white drink.”

“Ahh, now I know what a drink is… but what is white?” The woman is further unsure of the whole situation but thinks and says ...

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Can birds fly without feathers?

And who was the heartless bastard who tested this out?

Did you hear about the bird that lost all of its feathers in a volcano?

It was moltin'.

I caught my wife crying and eating feathers, so I asked her if she was depressed... she replied ..

'Just a little down in the mouth'.

Ruffled feathers ahead.

What do you call a woman that is never late, can actually drive a car and doesn't need help killing spiders? Bruce Jenner.

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

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