My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

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A patient goes to an psychologist.

"Let's see" says the doctor, "what comes to your mind when you see this?" and shows the patient a paper with a square drawn on it.
"Sex", replies the patient.
"And this?" the doctor shows the patient a circle.
"Sex!", replies the patient.
"What would you say if I showed you this?...

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How many Freudian psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...

LADDER! I meant ladder!

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A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

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Two psychologists are having sex…

After they finish, one says to the other “It was good for you. How was it for me?”

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What does the behavioral psychologist say after sex?

That was great for you, but how was it for me?

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

I told my psychologist that I'm a masochist.

He said I shouldn't beat myself up over it.

Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?

He has way too many problems that need solving.

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

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Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind.

Boss: Why should we hire you as an reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn’t

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

What’s a developmental psychologists favorite pick up line?

What’s up, baby?

I just got back from my first session at the Bird Psychologist

He comes highly recommended, but the tweetment won't be cheep.

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

Why can’t you hear psychologists urinate?

Because the P is silent.

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“W...

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist [OC]

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wa...

Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD

They're calling it AD4K

A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

\> After a co...

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I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

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A man goes to see a psychologist about his fetishes

The psychologist asks “so what is your problem?”

The man replies “well doctor, I’m into flagellation, beastiality, and necrophilia.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” says the doctor, “you’re flogging a dead horse.”

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

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What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "


"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"


The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"


"That's odd"

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A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

What Christmas song do psychologists sing the most?

Do you hear what I hear?

psychologist: how does that make you feel?

**reverse psychologist:** ¿leef uoy ekam taht seod woh

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

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Windows

John is arrested for breaking windows, found insane, and sent to an asylum. At entry they ask him, What do you want to do?

I want to break all your windows!

After a month they i try again and get the same answer. Another 6 months and still all he will say is,

I want to break all...

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My wife thinks its sexy to answer the door for me wearing nothing but my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now have to have a 'talk' with a psychologist..

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A woman went to her psychologist

.... because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychologist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did last time,” she...

A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.

She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance ...

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

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Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?

-because they only like DSM

I went to see a reverse psychologist.

He told me to commit suicide.

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge...

A man wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap is taken to a psychologist for an evaluation

He walks into the office and the first thing the psychologist says is, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A man walks into a psychologist's office

The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"

The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."

The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."

Indignant,...

What do you call a psychologist's clothes?

Shrinkwrap

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

What does a psychologist do when they've lost their sanity?

They talk to themself.

How many quantitative psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

1, p <= .05.

How many qualitative psychologists does it take?

_disguy. (2020). *Construction and Deconstruction Methods for Lightbulb Assembly* (Doctoral Dissertation). Reddit University,
San Francisco.

Thomas Alva Edison (February 11, 1847 – October 18, 1931) was an A...

What is the difference between a daydreamer, a psychopath and a psychiatrist?

The daydreamer builds a Castle in his mind, the psychopath lives in it and the psychologist collects the rent

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

Once, there was a man

Once there was a man, this man had a problem. Because of this problem, he decided to go to a psychologist. He got in the car and went to the psychologist. She went inside and sat.

Psychologist: "tell me. What kind of trouble are you having?“he said. He said, " Every time I try to sleep, I ca...

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

A woman goes to a psychologist, and the doctor can see she is visibly upset.

"Tell me what you're upset about," says the psychologist.

"It's my dreams, Doctor. One night I'll dream I'm a tepee, and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. The next night I'm a tepee again, and then I'm a wigwam the next! What does it mean?!"

"Don't worry, I know what's wrong...

Why was the Mathematician told to see a Psychologist?

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...

...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks someone to help because one of the patrons is dangerously too drunk.
The rabbi steps up and asks the man if he would like to pray, but he waves his hands dismissively and the rabbi gives up.
The psychologist enco...

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

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My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

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A man is consulting a psychologist

\- Tell me what are your worst memories. Start with the third one.


\- The mayor's goat escaped into the wood, so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening. Because she wasn't eaten by a wolf, the mayor organized a...

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Pedro got fired.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace ...

How many tactical psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well, data from exercises suggests that ten of them, if well coordinated and trained have a 96% success rate. but under real-world conditions, its anyone's guess.

My psychologist just reddit-punned me

We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix.

Him: "So, what sites do you surf the most?" ...

Child-psychologists...

Hear touching stories from time to time.

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

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A man goes to a Psychologist...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient replies "Well, I think I might be obsessed with sex."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and pulls out a set of Rorschach test cards. He picks up the top card and shows it to the man, asking "What do you see on this card?"
<...

Psychology

Today I realized I had to go see a psychologist when I compared myself to people in the subway. For instance: Seeing an ugly woman. "That woman is as beautiful as I am sane".

I'm tired of being a Psychologist...

I don't like APA style et. al.

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

Man goes to see a psychologist

Dr: “what brought you in today?”

Man: “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam”

Dr: “sir you need to calm down, you’re two tents”

My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist

He suffers from very sphere delusions.

So I told my psychologist....

Me: I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi.







psychologist: relax man, you're too tense.

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

“You're fine, how am I?”

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What is the similarity between a psychologist and a prostitute?

They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

A man walks into a psychologist's office..

A man walks into a psychologist's office wrapped head to toe in transparent cellophane...

The psychologist takes one look at him and says, 'I can clearly see your nuts.'

Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"

The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"

Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."

He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"

He moves onto the second mom, "...

I close my eyes and it’s all naked women

\- Did you ever see a psychologist?

\- No, just naked woman.

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Bar Experiment

One night a guy and some of his friends went to a bar. The guy saw a very sexy woman all by herself. His friends told him to go talk to her. What's the worst that could happen? As he approached the woman he said, "Hi my name is Jeff" with a big smile. Out of nowhere, the woman yelled out, "NO I WON'...

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night?

It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

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A businessman goes to a psychologist

"Doc, you've got to help me," he says. "I'm so stressed out I'm losing my hair, I can't focus at work, and I feel like I'm going insane."

"Yes, yes," says the doctor. "You are ze perfect candidate for psychoanalysis. Please, make yourself comfortable on the couch, and let us begin with your s...

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A man is tested by a psychologist for sexual obsession.

The psychologist draws a line and asks the man what it is. "This is a penis," answers the man.

Then the psychologist draws a circle and asks the man the same question. "This is a tit," replies the man.

Finally the psychologist draws a triangle, which the man identifies as a vagina...

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What do you call an angry psychologist?

A thera-pissed.

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into snooker ball

She sent me to the end of the queue

Why did the Cow go to the psychologist?

Because she was Moody :I



...I'll see myself out :|

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to wo...

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

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