UPJOKE
psychologypsychiatristscientistneurologistphysicianoncologistcardiologistinternistpsychotherapypathologistdermatologistdoctorcattelldoctoratepsychiatry

Psychologist Jokes

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A patient goes to an psychologist.

"Let's see" says the doctor, "what comes to your mind when you see this?" and shows the patient a paper with a square drawn on it.
"Sex", replies the patient.
"And this?" the doctor shows the patient a circle.
"Sex!", replies the patient.
"What would you say if I showed you this?...

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist [OC]

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wa...

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many Freudian psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...

LADDER! I meant ladder!

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to his psychologist about his new kink.

"Doc, lately I've been paying men to wrap their scrotum around my penis and stroke me until I climax. Would you call that crazy?"

"No," he says. "I'd call that fucking nuts."

Why don’t horses need to go to a psychologist?

They’re very stable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.

Turns out they were a full grown adult!

psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

\> After a co...

A psychologist visits an engineer in his hospital bed

The guy had just jumped off a bridge. The psychologist says, "Hey there Ahmed, I'm Dr. Adams, how you feeling today?" And the engineer replies, "In pain, but lucky to be alive, I guess."

Dr. Adams wants to help, so she asks the engineer about his life. The engineer tells her he came from Liby...

A psychologist friend of mine just got a grant to work out how mice communicate

Not much money in it though. He can barely eke out a living.

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

I'm an armchair psychologist

Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist.

Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist once a week about his wife Minnie. This session Mickey starts to talk about his relationship and after about 5 minutes, the psychologist says “yes, Mickey, I get it. Minnie is fucking crazy!” Mickey, aggravated, says “you don’t get it, doc. I’m not saying Minn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the behavioral psychologist say after sex?

That was great for you, but how was it for me?

Boss: Why should we hire you as an reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn’t

The psychologist and psychiatrist society says talking to plants and pots during the pandemic is perfectly normal...

Seek help, if they start talking back...

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

A man goes to see a psychologist...

The man tells the doctor that he has a recurring nightmare in which two teams of rats play football.

The doctor said: 'Take this pill, and tonight the nightmare is gone.'

'I can't do that.' The other one said.

'Why not?' The doctor asked, puzzled.

With a grin on his face...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged

The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till cam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a psychologist.

He sits on the couch and says, "Doc I've been having a lot of trouble concentrating at work."

The doctor pulls out his inkblots. "What do you see when you look at this?" Holding the first inkblot up to the man's eyes, the man squints and replies, "Sex."

The doctor holds up a second ink...

I told my psychologist that I'm a masochist.

He said I shouldn't beat myself up over it.

Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?

He has way too many problems that need solving.

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

A man wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap is taken to a psychologist for an evaluation

He walks into the office and the first thing the psychologist says is, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a psychologist about his fetishes

The psychologist asks “so what is your problem?”

The man replies “well doctor, I’m into flagellation, beastiality, and necrophilia.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” says the doctor, “you’re flogging a dead horse.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to her psychologist

.... because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychologist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did last time,” she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...

...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the so...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.

She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance ...

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

6-year-old Little Johnny is at the psychologist

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asks the psychologist.

"A doctor, a painter, or a window cleaner," says the child.

"Well, it's not quite clear to me."

"Of course it is! I want to see naked women, that's all!"

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the...

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

Why was the Mathematician told to see a Psychologist?

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."

He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"

He moves onto the second mom, "...

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

What does a psychologist do when they've lost their sanity?

They talk to themself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

My psychologist just reddit-punned me

We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix.

Him: "So, what sites do you surf the most?" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin

Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.

.

The good news is that I just heard she is gettin...

What's Psychologists' Favorite Dish?

Freud Rice

Who wasn't a real psychologist?

Sigmund Fraud

A woman goes to a psychologist, and the doctor can see she is visibly upset.

"Tell me what you're upset about," says the psychologist.

"It's my dreams, Doctor. One night I'll dream I'm a tepee, and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. The next night I'm a tepee again, and then I'm a wigwam the next! What does it mean?!"

"Don't worry, I know what's wrong...

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman goes to a psychologist

"Doc, you've got to help me," he says. "I'm so stressed out I'm losing my hair, I can't focus at work, and I feel like I'm going insane."

"Yes, yes," says the doctor. "You are ze perfect candidate for psychoanalysis. Please, make yourself comfortable on the couch, and let us begin with your s...

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "


"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"


The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"


"That's odd"

A backseat driver, armchair psychologist and a keyboard warrior walks into a bar...

...and for some unknown reason, they end up sitting right next to one another. Conversations ensue, and so do the braggings. The backseat driver says, "I trolled a guy so hard once, he ended up driving around in circles all around his own home!" Not to be outcast, the armchair psychologist says, "I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My psychologist subjected me to a Rorschach test

I don't recall our conversation in detail, but it went something like this:

\- How would you describe this image?
\- It looks like two people having sex.
\- I see. How would you describe this picture?
\- It looks like two people having sex.
\- Er, okay. How would you descr...

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a Psychologist...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient replies "Well, I think I might be obsessed with sex."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and pulls out a set of Rorschach test cards. He picks up the top card and shows it to the man, asking "What do you see on this card?"
<...

Man goes to see a psychologist

Dr: “what brought you in today?”

Man: “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam”

Dr: “sir you need to calm down, you’re two tents”

I'm tired of being a Psychologist...

I don't like APA style et. al.

My psychologist died just yesterday...

But how did that make me feel?

My both parents were psychologists...

They gave me mental blocks for Christmas.

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were...

My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist

He suffers from very sphere delusions.

So I told my psychologist....

Me: I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi.







psychologist: relax man, you're too tense.

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into snooker ball

She sent me to the end of the queue

Why did the Cow go to the psychologist?

Because she was Moody :I



...I'll see myself out :|

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night?

It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist?

A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.

I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist...

She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder.

Now I feel like a distribution.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks someone to help because one of the patrons is dangerously too drunk.
The rabbi steps up and asks the man if he would like to pray, but he waves his hands dismissively and the rabbi gives up.
The psychologist enco...

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to wo...

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer...

So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer. It was 'Who could surround the most area using as little as much fences possible'

So the psychologist surrounded a farm that already has fences surrounding it, he told the mathematician and the mathematician grinned.<...

My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.

She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.

The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was...

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist.

"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.

"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Rorschach Test (Classic)

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns ...

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar....

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar. The chemist says to the bartender "I'll have one h two oh please". The psychologist, in a fleeting fit of flaunting his intelligence, said "I'll have a jack and coke, it's all my mother's fault."

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist.

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist. He says, "Doc, something's wrong. I think I'm going crazy!" The psychologist replies, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.