I told the psychologist, "Sure, my sense of chronology is fine!"

Then I knocked on his door and went into his room.

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

A man walks in to a psychologist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap

Psychologist: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

I took a leak next to a psychologist and I didn't hear a thing.

His P was silent.

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A man is consulting a psychologist

\- Tell me what are your worst memories. Start with the third one.


\- The mayor's goat escaped into the wood, so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening. Because she wasn't eaten by a wolf, the mayor organized a...

Interviewer- why do you think we should hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: you shouldn't.

How many psychologist does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one but the light bulb needs to want to change

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

Why was the Mathematician told to see a Psychologist?

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

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I just found out that my psychologist is also a prostitute.

Totally blew my mind.

A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

My boss: Why should I higher you as a Reverse Psychologist?

Me: You shouldn’t

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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to hold the penis.. I MEAN LADDER! LADDER!!

A woman goes to a psychologist, and the doctor can see she is visibly upset.

"Tell me what you're upset about," says the psychologist.

"It's my dreams, Doctor. One night I'll dream I'm a tepee, and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. The next night I'm a tepee again, and then I'm a wigwam the next! What does it mean?!"

"Don't worry, I know what's wrong...

How many tactical psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well, data from exercises suggests that ten of them, if well coordinated and trained have a 96% success rate. but under real-world conditions, its anyone's guess.

What do you call a psychologist's clothes?

Shrinkwrap

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

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A Behavioral Psychologist just finished having sex with his wife

He turns to her and says "It was good for you, was it good for me?"

My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.

She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.

The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was...

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

I got sent to see the school psychologist

When I asked why he showed me the petition.

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

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A man is tested by a psychologist for sexual obsession.

The psychologist draws a line and asks the man what it is. "This is a penis," answers the man.

Then the psychologist draws a circle and asks the man the same question. "This is a tit," replies the man.

Finally the psychologist draws a triangle, which the man identifies as a vagina...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“W...

Man goes to see a psychologist

Dr: “what brought you in today?”

Man: “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam”

Dr: “sir you need to calm down, you’re two tents”

I'm tired of being a Psychologist...

I don't like APA style et. al.

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A man goes to a Psychologist...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient replies "Well, I think I might be obsessed with sex."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and pulls out a set of Rorschach test cards. He picks up the top card and shows it to the man, asking "What do you see on this card?"
<...

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My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.

A psychologist ran up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist

He suffers from very sphere delusions.

Went to see the psychologist.

She asked “Do any sounds irritate you?”
“Real or imaginary?” I inquired.
“Let’s go with imaginary” She said curiously.
“A spider wearing flip flops” I said.

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

My psychologist died just yesterday...

But how did that make me feel?

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Two behavioral psychologists were lying in bed after sex

One says the other, "So it was good for you, was it good for me?"

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

A man walks into a psychologist's office

The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"

The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."

The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."

Indignant,...

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

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three psychologists confess secrets to each other.

The first says "Hate to admit it, but I fuck my patients on a regular basis. I'll fuck men and women, hell, one time I fucked this chick's dog!"

the second psychologist said "I also hate to admit this, but I'm a thief. I overcharge my clientelle, rip them off, and last week I stole a 20 out o...

So I told my psychologist....

Me: I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi.







psychologist: relax man, you're too tense.

Child-psychologists...

Hear touching stories from time to time.

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist [OC]

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wa...

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

“You're fine, how am I?”

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...

...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into a set of curtains.

She said I should pull myself together.

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What do you call an angry psychologist?

A thera-pissed.

Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"

The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"

Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs he...

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night?

It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."

He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"

He moves onto the second mom, "...

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to wo...

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

My psychologist just reddit-punned me

We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix.

Him: "So, what sites do you surf the most?" ...

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What is the similarity between a psychologist and a prostitute?

They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.

A conversation between a psychologist and an anaesthetist was described as .....

..... mind numbing.

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

A man walks into a psychologist's office..

A man walks into a psychologist's office wrapped head to toe in transparent cellophane...

The psychologist takes one look at him and says, 'I can clearly see your nuts.'

What did the psychologist wash his dog with?

Pavlovian conditioner

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Canadian person was smarter

What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear?

A Freudian slip

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A businessman goes to a psychologist

"Doc, you've got to help me," he says. "I'm so stressed out I'm losing my hair, I can't focus at work, and I feel like I'm going insane."

"Yes, yes," says the doctor. "You are ze perfect candidate for psychoanalysis. Please, make yourself comfortable on the couch, and let us begin with your s...

So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer...

So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer. It was 'Who could surround the most area using as little as much fences possible'

So the psychologist surrounded a farm that already has fences surrounding it, he told the mathematician and the mathematician grinned.<...

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Psychologist Halloween party

A psychologist, Kim, is throwing a Halloween party and the invitation states explicitly to dress as an emotion.

So the evening arrives and the first guest rings the door bell and as she opens the door she sees a man dressed in all red, clothes, makeup and cape. "I am anger!" The man says. S...

I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist...

She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder.

Now I feel like a distribution.

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were...

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist?

A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.

"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist.

"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.

"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

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Two psychologists are talking...

...and the first says, "You know, I experienced a true Freudian slip the other day."

"Really?"

"Yes. I meant to say to my wife, 'You look your best today', but instead it came out 'You look your breast today'"

"I see. I also had a Freudian slip the other day."

"You too? T...

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar....

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar. The chemist says to the bartender "I'll have one h two oh please". The psychologist, in a fleeting fit of flaunting his intelligence, said "I'll have a jack and coke, it's all my mother's fault."

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist.

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist. He says, "Doc, something's wrong. I think I'm going crazy!" The psychologist replies, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

What did the messed up psychologist have for dinner?

Freud rice.

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