The 108+ Best Psychologist Jokes

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

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A patient goes to an psychologist.

"Let's see" says the doctor, "what comes to your mind when you see this?" and shows the patient a paper with a square drawn on it.
"Sex", replies the patient.
"And this?" the doctor shows the patient a circle.
"Sex!", replies the patient.
"What would you say if I showed you this?...

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist [OC]

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wa...

I told my psychologist I am scared off living in tall buildings

Apparently it's an Apartment Complex

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.

Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite...

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Man goes to his psychologist about his new kink.

"Doc, lately I've been paying men to wrap their scrotum around my penis and stroke me until I climax. Would you call that crazy?"

"No," he says. "I'd call that fucking nuts."

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

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How many Freudian psychologist does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to hold the penis...

LADDER! I meant ladder!

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

My both parents were psychologists...

They gave me mental blocks for Christmas.

psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

\> After a co...

Four psychologists are talking . . .

. . . and one says "all day long we listen to people's guilts and fears, but we have no one to go to with our problems. Why don't we take some time right now and hear each other out?" The other three agree.

The first psychologist confesses "I have an almost uncontrollable desire to kill m...

Why did the clairvoyant visit the psychologist?

He was suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder.

A man walks into a psychologist's office

The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"

The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."

The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."

Indignant,...

A good psychologist once advised me to shut out all the negative people that remind me of my dark past and move on

It's been more than a month since I've gone to him and I am already starting to feel better

What did this psychologist say to the patient who paid $150 for a $140 session?

Change must come from within.

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Turns out my psychologist is also a prostitute...

Totally blew my mind

A psychologist visits an engineer in his hospital bed

The guy had just jumped off a bridge. The psychologist says, "Hey there Ahmed, I'm Dr. Adams, how you feeling today?" And the engineer replies, "In pain, but lucky to be alive, I guess."

Dr. Adams wants to help, so she asks the engineer about his life. The engineer tells her he came from Liby...

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb must really want to change.

I was really looking forward to interviewing a local child psychologist, until I did.

Turns out they were a full grown adult!

A man goes to see a psychologist...

The man tells the doctor that he has a recurring nightmare in which two teams of rats play football.

The doctor said: 'Take this pill, and tonight the nightmare is gone.'

'I can't do that.' The other one said.

'Why not?' The doctor asked, puzzled.

With a grin on his face...

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

A psychologist friend of mine just got a grant to work out how mice communicate

Not much money in it though. He can barely eke out a living.

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

If you don't know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist...

congratulations, you're doing great!

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A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

I'm an armchair psychologist

Yesterday I diagnosed a Lazyboy with schizophrenia

A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged

The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till cam...

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

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Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist.

Mickey Mouse goes to see a psychologist once a week about his wife Minnie. This session Mickey starts to talk about his relationship and after about 5 minutes, the psychologist says “yes, Mickey, I get it. Minnie is fucking crazy!” Mickey, aggravated, says “you don’t get it, doc. I’m not saying Minn...

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My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

A guy said to his psychologist, “Doc, you gotta help me. I‘m having strange, recurring dreams that I’m either a teepee or a wigwam. Every night, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam! Please, make it stop!” The doctor said,

“Relax, you’re two tents.”

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What does the behavioral psychologist say after sex?

That was great for you, but how was it for me?

I’m planning on going to the reverse psychologists convention.

You shouldn’t go. You’d hate it.

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Two behavioral psychologists have sex.

When they finish, one says to the other, “wow, you really enjoyed that! How was it for me?”

I told my psychologist that I'm a masochist.

He said I shouldn't beat myself up over it.

What do you call a group of communist psychologists passed out drunk?

A collective unconscious.

Boss: Why should we hire you as an reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn’t

What do a cancer surgeon and a psychologist have in common?

Women see them when they need to get something off their chest.

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A man goes to see a psychologist about his fetishes

The psychologist asks “so what is your problem?”

The man replies “well doctor, I’m into flagellation, beastiality, and necrophilia.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help you,” says the doctor, “you’re flogging a dead horse.”

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I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.

That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

What undergarment does a psychologist wear?

A Freudian Slip

6-year-old Little Johnny is at the psychologist

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asks the psychologist.

"A doctor, a painter, or a window cleaner," says the child.

"Well, it's not quite clear to me."

"Of course it is! I want to see naked women, that's all!"

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A man goes to see a psychologist.

He sits on the couch and says, "Doc I've been having a lot of trouble concentrating at work."

The doctor pulls out his inkblots. "What do you see when you look at this?" Holding the first inkblot up to the man's eyes, the man squints and replies, "Sex."

The doctor holds up a second ink...

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

Why did the psychologist leave the math teacher?

He has way too many problems that need solving.

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

A man wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap is taken to a psychologist for an evaluation

He walks into the office and the first thing the psychologist says is, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

What’s a developmental psychologists favorite pick up line?

What’s up, baby?

Psychologists have discovered a new way to see into the minds of those with ADHD

They're calling it AD4K

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A woman went to her psychologist

.... because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychologist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face while you are having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did last time,” she...

What Christmas song do psychologists sing the most?

Do you hear what I hear?

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What did the Japanese Psychologist name his progressive rock band?

Pink Freud

I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...

...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

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A psychologist was invited into a mental hospital to conduct tests...

... and when he arrived, he declares that the best way to assess mental health is by examining how the patients treat a defenseless living thing.

He then explains his test. He would hand out three rabbits to patients in isolation and begin observation.

He hands a rabbit to Ralph.
...

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A psychologist is conducting a group therapy session on 3 young Mother’s and their small children...

When everyone is in the room he starts by telling the Mother’s that the reason they are there is because they all have extreme addictions. He goes on to say that their actions are so strong they have even named their children after them.

To the first mother he says “ you have an addiction to...

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A Psychologist once had a patient who masturbated with a raw chicken

He had a crippling addiction where he would masturbate with a raw chicken. This was really harming his social life and he became a recluse. His psychologist suggested he went cold turkey.

A guy goes into a psychologist and says, "Hey Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

The doctor says, "What a coincidence that makes four of us!"

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the so...

A cardiologist, a psychologist, and a civil engineer are out golfing

The cardiologist pauses and says, "You know, the more I think about it the more sense it makes that God must have been a cardiologist. Look at our anatomy! Look at our hearts and all of our blood vessels perfectly moving blood through the body! I don't see how anyone but the best cardiologist cou...

A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.

She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance ...

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

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Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?

-because they only like DSM

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

What do you get when you cross a banana peel with a psychologist ?

A freudian slip.
(Stop groaning it's not so dad)

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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the...

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I know a woman who has been married 3 times and is still a virgin

Her first husband was a psychologist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. Her second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. Her third husband was a gourmet and all he wanted to do was eat it.

.

The good news is that I just heard she is gettin...

A backseat driver, armchair psychologist and a keyboard warrior walks into a bar...

...and for some unknown reason, they end up sitting right next to one another. Conversations ensue, and so do the braggings. The backseat driver says, "I trolled a guy so hard once, he ended up driving around in circles all around his own home!" Not to be outcast, the armchair psychologist says, "I ...

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

A man walks into a psychologist's office..

A man walks into a psychologist's office wrapped head to toe in transparent cellophane...

The psychologist takes one look at him and says, 'I can clearly see your nuts.'

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

Why was the Mathematician told to see a Psychologist?

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."

He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"

He moves onto the second mom, "...

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

A Cognitive psychologist asks a concussed man to count from one to ten.

The man does as he is told and counts : " 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 "

"Alright then, everything seems normal. Now could you count all the even numbers from one to ten please"

The man counts: "1, 3, 5, 7, 9"

"That's odd"

What do you call a cruise liner full of psychologists?

A Freudian ship.

What does a psychologist do when they've lost their sanity?

They talk to themself.

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10 husbands, still a virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales r...

My psychologist just reddit-punned me

We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix.

Him: "So, what sites do you surf the most?" ...

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

A woman goes to a psychologist, and the doctor can see she is visibly upset.

"Tell me what you're upset about," says the psychologist.

"It's my dreams, Doctor. One night I'll dream I'm a tepee, and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. The next night I'm a tepee again, and then I'm a wigwam the next! What does it mean?!"

"Don't worry, I know what's wrong...

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

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A man goes to a Psychologist...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient replies "Well, I think I might be obsessed with sex."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and pulls out a set of Rorschach test cards. He picks up the top card and shows it to the man, asking "What do you see on this card?"
<...

My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist

He suffers from very sphere delusions.

Man goes to see a psychologist

Dr: “what brought you in today?”

Man: “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam”

Dr: “sir you need to calm down, you’re two tents”

I'm tired of being a Psychologist...

I don't like APA style et. al.

My psychologist died just yesterday...

But how did that make me feel?

How many tactical psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well, data from exercises suggests that ten of them, if well coordinated and trained have a 96% success rate. but under real-world conditions, its anyone's guess.

Child-psychologists...

Hear touching stories from time to time.

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

“You're fine, how am I?”

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.

A rabbi, psychologist, and a veterinarian walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks someone to help because one of the patrons is dangerously too drunk.
The rabbi steps up and asks the man if he would like to pray, but he waves his hands dismissively and the rabbi gives up.
The psychologist enco...

So I told my psychologist....

Me: I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi, I'm a wigwam, I'm a tipi.

psychologist: relax man, you're too tense.

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into snooker ball

She sent me to the end of the queue

Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"

The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"

Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."

Why did the Cow go to the psychologist?

Because she was Moody :I

...I'll see myself out :|

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night?

It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.

She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.

The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was...

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

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