When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

I went to my psychologist and said "Doc, I think I'm schizophrenic."

He said, "That makes four of us!"

A beautiful young psychologist conducted an experiment

She asked 2 men, a mathemetician and an engineer to disrobe and stand on one side of the room. She then undressed and stood on the other side.

She told them to come half the distance towards her. Each man took eight steps forward. Amunute later, she again told them to come half the distance ...

What do you call a psychologist cat?

A freudy cat!

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change first

I told my psychologist I'm having suicidal thoughts.

He's making me pay in advance now.

What did the the psychologist say to his patient, who hears voices, about her congestion?

It’s all in your head.

I told the psychologist, "Sure, my sense of chronology is fine!"

Then I knocked on his door and went into his room.

I went to the psychologist to treat my big ego

I think it worked, I'm feeling much better than all of you today.

I took a leak next to a psychologist and I didn't hear a thing.

His P was silent.

A man walks in to a psychologist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap

Psychologist: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

A schizophrenic goes to see his psychologist.

The man say’s “look doc you have to help me I think I’m a dog”
The doc says “ok lay down on the couch and tell me all about it”.
The man says “I’m not allowed on the couch”.

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A man is consulting a psychologist

\- Tell me what are your worst memories. Start with the third one.


\- The mayor's goat escaped into the wood, so every man of the village went to search her. We searched all the day long and finally found her safe in the evening. Because she wasn't eaten by a wolf, the mayor organized a...

Interviewer- why do you think we should hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: you shouldn't.

My boss: Why should I higher you as a Reverse Psychologist?

Me: You shouldn’t

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

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I just found out that my psychologist is also a prostitute.

Totally blew my mind.

Why was the Mathematician told to see a Psychologist?

Because he kept obsessing over his x.

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My psychologist subjected me to a Rorschach test

I don't recall our conversation in detail, but it went something like this:

\- How would you describe this image?
\- It looks like two people having sex.
\- I see. How would you describe this picture?
\- It looks like two people having sex.
\- Er, okay. How would you descr...

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How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to hold the penis.. I MEAN LADDER! LADDER!!

I got sent to see the school psychologist

When I asked why he showed me the petition.

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Why psychologists don't like bondage sex?

-because they only like DSM

A woman goes to a psychologist, and the doctor can see she is visibly upset.

"Tell me what you're upset about," says the psychologist.

"It's my dreams, Doctor. One night I'll dream I'm a tepee, and then the next night I'll dream I'm a wigwam. The next night I'm a tepee again, and then I'm a wigwam the next! What does it mean?!"

"Don't worry, I know what's wrong...

What do you call a psychologist's clothes?

Shrinkwrap

How many tactical psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well, data from exercises suggests that ten of them, if well coordinated and trained have a 96% success rate. but under real-world conditions, its anyone's guess.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don’t know, but times up, we can discuss it at your next session.

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

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A Behavioral Psychologist just finished having sex with his wife

He turns to her and says "It was good for you, was it good for me?"

My wife and I went to see a Psychologist.

She told the doctor about our son's hallucinations. He sees imaginary people all the time.

The doctor prescribed her pills and pulled me into a corner. "Divorce her through my wife's firm and I will count today's session FREE" were the words that came out of his mouth, explaining that she was...

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A man goes to a Psychologist...

The doctor asks "What seems to be the problem?"

The patient replies "Well, I think I might be obsessed with sex."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and pulls out a set of Rorschach test cards. He picks up the top card and shows it to the man, asking "What do you see on this card?"
<...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“W...

A tree went to the psychologist...

He told him that the rest of the trees in the forest had not been very nice to him.

They all had beautiful colorful fruits and flowers. They made fun of his pine cones and spiked leaves. He stayed the same boring green all year and never lived up to the beauty of the other trees.

He ...

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My psychologist told me this morning that they are working on a cure for dyslexia...

It was like music to my arse...

Did you hear about the psychologist who's career was ruined by a medical condition?

She had a nut allergy

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A man is tested by a psychologist for sexual obsession.

The psychologist draws a line and asks the man what it is. "This is a penis," answers the man.

Then the psychologist draws a circle and asks the man the same question. "This is a tit," replies the man.

Finally the psychologist draws a triangle, which the man identifies as a vagina...

Man goes to see a psychologist

Dr: “what brought you in today?”

Man: “I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam”

Dr: “sir you need to calm down, you’re two tents”

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

I'm tired of being a Psychologist...

I don't like APA style et. al.

My flat-earther friend was diagnosed by a psychologist

He suffers from very sphere delusions.

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A psychologist has a party for all of her patients

She instructs everyone to come dressed as an emotion. As the party begins, she sees her first patient come in dressed in all red. The psychologist asks her "what are you dressed as" and the patient replies "I'm dressed as anger and rage." The next patient comes in and is dressed in all blue. The psy...

Why women needs a husband

A Woman goes to a Psychologist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychologist replied : “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevi...

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies.

He started charging in advance.

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Two behavioral psychologists were lying in bed after sex

One says the other, "So it was good for you, was it good for me?"

My psychologist died just yesterday...

But how did that make me feel?

A man walks into a psychologist's office

The psychologist says, "Tell me about yourself?"

The man replies, "It is my deeply held belief that I am in fact a moth."

The psychologist is a little surprised, but being a professional, he thinks for a moment and says, "Well, I am sure I can help you overcome that."

Indignant,...

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance

We'll see about that

Two Problems

MAN: Doctor, I have two problems I’d like to talk to you about.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Yes. Go on.

MAN: Whenever I’m not working I feel guilty.

PSYCHOLOGIST: Ah? Well then you may be a workaholic. But let’s proceed. What is your second problem?

MAN: I have a lot of guilt.

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him.

"Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

Child-psychologists...

Hear touching stories from time to time.

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Three professions

Three people, each with a different profession discuss their job titles.

'I'm a chiropractor' says the first 'or "chiro" for short' .

'I'm a physiotherapist' says the second 'or "physio" for short'.

'I'm a psychologist' says the third 'Can we talk about something else?'

A man is worried he has Dementia

So he goes online and finds this really good psychologist and makes an appointment.
When he goes in for the appointment the lady behind the counter says "Hi Mr. Sturr, the usual?"

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

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three psychologists confess secrets to each other.

The first says "Hate to admit it, but I fuck my patients on a regular basis. I'll fuck men and women, hell, one time I fucked this chick's dog!"

the second psychologist said "I also hate to admit this, but I'm a thief. I overcharge my clientelle, rip them off, and last week I stole a 20 out o...

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist [OC]

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wa...

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist?

"Let me be Frank with you."

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs he...

What do Psychologists say to each other when they meet?

“You're fine, how am I?”

I told my psychologist I thought I was turning into a set of curtains.

She said I should pull myself together.

I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician...

...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

My psychologist just reddit-punned me

We were talking about school, and I mentioned the fact that I rarely pay attention in class and that I instead just surf the web or watch Netflix.

Him: "So, what sites do you surf the most?" ...

Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"

The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"

Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

Three mothers see a psychologist

They've brought their kids with them. The psychologist says, "It looks like you all have obsessions, and you've named your children after them."

He says to the first mother, "You have an obsession with cars, which is why you named your daughter Mercedes"

He moves onto the second mom, "...

A man says to his psychologist...

"I keep thinking about killing my wife. Sometimes, I even mime out bashing her brains in with a brick"

"I'm absolutely certain that you're not capable of that" replied the psychologist.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, judging by what you've told me, she's far too hardheaded for that to wo...

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night?

It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

A man walks into a psychologist's office.

He's wrapped from head to toe in cellophane, but otherwise completely naked.

He asks, "what's wrong with me, Doctor?

The doctor responds, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD

At least I think that's what she was saying.

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions

Not quite sure how I feel about it

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'p' is silent.

An Agitated Man Rushes to the Psychologist

The Agitated Man tells the psychologist frantically,
"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam,
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!"

The psychologist tells the man,
"Hey, relax, you're two tents!"

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist.

But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

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What is the similarity between a psychologist and a prostitute?

They both take your money for stuff a good friend would do for free, however they are better at it.

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

Canadian person was smarter

What would a cross-dressing psychologist wear?

A Freudian slip

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A businessman goes to a psychologist

"Doc, you've got to help me," he says. "I'm so stressed out I'm losing my hair, I can't focus at work, and I feel like I'm going insane."

"Yes, yes," says the doctor. "You are ze perfect candidate for psychoanalysis. Please, make yourself comfortable on the couch, and let us begin with your s...

The new trend

psychologist: what is your problem?

patient: i work as a yoga trainer at retirement homes.

psychologist: aaannd...

parient: the new trend is naked yoga.

psychologist: you are the unluckyest person to ever exist.

"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist.

"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.

"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

So an engineer, a psychologist, and a physicist are called into a dairy farm that is low on production...

They're each given a day to inspect the farm, then they each deliver a thesis on how best to increase production.

The engineer goes first; he says that if each stall is decreased in area by 40 inches, housing capacity could be doubled.

The psychologist then says that if the walls were...

I felt like I was just a statistic, so I went to see a psychologist...

She diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder.

Now I feel like a distribution.

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist?

A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.

A psychologist tells the troubled man:

tell me about your childhood.
man: it was a horrible time doc, I used to have a twin and everyone accused me for all the troubles he made.
psychologist: what did you do about it?
man: i had my revenge last week..
psychologist: how?
man: I died and they buried him instead.

So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer...

So a mathematician, an engineer and a psychologist had a bet with a farmer. It was 'Who could surround the most area using as little as much fences possible'

So the psychologist surrounded a farm that already has fences surrounding it, he told the mathematician and the mathematician grinned.<...

"That's not it."

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the so...

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar....

A Chemist and a Psychologist walk into a bar. The chemist says to the bartender "I'll have one h two oh please". The psychologist, in a fleeting fit of flaunting his intelligence, said "I'll have a jack and coke, it's all my mother's fault."

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist.

A naked man covered head to toe in saran wrap goes to see a psychologist. He says, "Doc, something's wrong. I think I'm going crazy!" The psychologist replies, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

What did the messed up psychologist have for dinner?

Freud rice.

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