Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.

Cop: Those dirty crooks.

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

What did the Chernobyl victim name his balls?

Bill, Kevin, Tom, and Steve

Necrophilia victims love it!

They just can't resist!

Who was the most famous ARDS victim?

Franz Coughka

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire.

######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

What does a gamer and a burn victim both say

I can’t wait to try out my new skin

Mt Vesuvius victim’s brain ‘turned to glass’ says study.

Well at least he's thinking clearly now.

Did you hear about the serial killer who beat his victims to death with clocks?

He just wanted to kill some time.

What did Vlad the Impaler do when he ran out of victims?

Repost.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

You know who the real victims of this virus are?

Ex cons, just made it out of prison to be put in solitary confinement.

What did Vlad the Impaler's victims cried to him during torture?

"Vladislav, baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more"

What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.

“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”

And with a wave of the ange...

Someone once asked me how I'd feel if I was a victim of Jack the Ripper.

I told them that I'd probably feel quite gutted.

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you’ve walked a mile in their skin...

What did the serial stabber say to his victims?

“Point well taken!”

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

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A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

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A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

I fell victim to a click bait.

Just like you.

Why didn't rick astley help the victims of a building on fire?

He refused to let them down

What does a shark victim see before their end?

Fin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

I got invited to a bad taste halloween party. I was going to go as a suicide victim.

But decided to go as Jeffrey Epstein instead.

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

In a jungle, there are two cannibals eating a man

They ate their victim, one starting at the head and the other starting at the feet.

After a while, the cannibal who had started at the feet asked his friend, "How are you doing?"

"I'm having a ball!" came the reply.

"Slow down, you're eating too fast!"

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

As Covid19 winds down, another virus is spreading like wildfire

Covid19 may be winding down, but a brand new virus, the ID10t virus, is spreading like wildfire.
Symptoms of the ID10t virus include mental and comprehension issues. Symptoms include schitzophasia, a condition where words are misunderstood. A victim may hear or read a words like "baking soda" a...

I recently watched a documentary on stroke victims.

It was a bit one-sided.

What does Keanu Reeves and a serial killer who strangle his victims have in common?

They are both breathtaking

A serial killer takes a victim into the forest. It’s dark out.

Victim: I’m scared...

Killer: You’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

What did Darth Vader say to the severe burn victim?

I find your lack of face disturbing.

Corona Virus defeated

Breaking news from China :” No death cases of corona virus reported in China for 3 days and only 5 new infections, all communist part officials”

In totally unrelated news ;” a surge in suicides in China reported , all victims killed them self withe 2 bullets to the back of the head and hav...

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

How does the cereal killer kill his victims?

With a snap, crackle and pop.

My friend asked me how I got such a nice body

I tell him "you have to choose your victim wisely"

A robber walks up to a store owner...

A robber walks up to a store owner. He says, "Hand me all your valuables!" The store owner says, "But I'm a store owner!" The robber proceeds to say "Give me all your money!"


Later, the robber walks up to a doctor. He says, "Hand me all your valuables!" The doctor says, "But I'm a doct...

What do school shooting jokes and their victims have in common ?

They never get old

How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?

...because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.

Two men were waiting in an alleyway at midnight...

They have been watching a guy who goes in that alleyway every midnight and they've decided tonight is the night they would rob their victim. However, the guy didn't appear in the usual spot at the usual time.

Man 1: Hey dude, what do you think happened to that guy?

Man 2: Beats me.
...

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

I was recently the victim of a drone attack.

I forgot to wear my beekeepers veil.

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Pygmy tribe legend

Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu. In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.

Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird. The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while...

What does SCP 173 say when he’s about to kill his next victim?

You’re necks.

Why did the serial killer use a Hoover to subdue his victims?

That way he could always ensure a clean kill.

My freind David was the victim of ID theft

Now we call him Dav

A man calls 911 to report a murder

Operator: who is the victim

Man: one of my family members

Operator: who is the perpetrator?

Man: another family member

Operator: where did this happen?

Man: in my house

Operator: and when did the murder take place?

Man: i don't know, some time betwe...

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Home Depot Scam

BEWARE HOME DEPOT SCAM


A "heads up" for you all who may be regular Home Depot
customers.


Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam.


While out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enoug...

Hear about the pimp who wanted to do his part to support the victims of a disaster?

He sent THOTs and prayers.

My brother came up to me and asked if I knew what they say to Cosby's victims, he said "Stay woke". I asked what about R. Kelly's victims?

"Grow up"

A man is hit by a car on a crosswalk.

The driver gets out in a hurry and asks "Are you alright?"

The victim replied "No, I think you broke my arm."

The driver points out towards a medical clinic; "You're lucky, there's a doctor there that can help you!"

The victim makes a sarcastic face.

"I know, I'm the doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was convicted for murdering and eating his victims, which consisted of homosexuals and disabled people

When asked why he did this, he responded that he just wanted to get his 5 fruit and veg a day

I just fell victim to a dad joke

Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.

Me: I don't know?

Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Govt. Statistics show that 35% of all school kids fall victim to online bullying and this can only mean 1 thing

65% of my emails aren't going out

How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?

With a kill-o-byte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

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Latest scam warning.

Police are warning people of a new scam being perpetrated at various mall and supermarket car parks.

When the intended victim - almost always male - has loaded their shopping into their car they are approached by two or three female teenagers who will ask or beg for help. The story is usually...

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

Coffee is the most silent victim ever.

It gets mugged every day.

Coroner: I have to say that the victim died at precisely 11 45 pm.

Detective: Are you positive?

Coroner: Its difficult with so many dead bodies lying around, but I’m hanging in there.

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

A man told his wife, “I’m so busy...

I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.” She said, “from the look on your face, I’d say you’re going; when you’re coming, you look like a stroke victim trying to whistle.”

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

Prince Phillip has finally apologised to the crash victim saying he’s deeply sorry...

Only took him 21 years

To quote all of Bill Cosby’s victims:

No.

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

In a courtroom one morning

Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery. He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.

However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the cha...

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged,despite my victims say it was overall a positive experience.

What do suicide victims have and not have at the same time?

A will

Why didn't the cannibal BBQ his victim's feet at the picnic?

He wanted to enjoy his meal without the mesquite toes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder

Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim?

Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!'

So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and ...

A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael.

In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.

"So what are you going to d...

1 in 20 people have been a victim of crime.

Which means 19 out of 20 people are criminals.

Did you hear the joke about that murderer that plays with his victims intestines?

It's very twisted.

What do you call a Mexican Carjacking Victim?

CarLoss.

Three men discover they have each been the victim of a shipwreck at some point in their past.

Three men are talking about their brushes with disaster, and by a stunning coincidence they find that all three of them have, at some point in their lives, been shipwrecked and stranded with the other survivors on a deserted island. They begin to detail their experiences.

"The hardest part wa...

Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.

Did you hear about the big booty serial killer woman who bought too many drinks at the bar for her victim?

She had the drunk in the trunk!

Police were investigating a murder in Ten City...

The victim was Andrew Pun, and the suspects were his family members. They were extremely wealthy, and had a pure blood line spanning out across multiple cities.

The police began interrogating each sibling, guardian, and family friends. All of them had an alibi:

Tommy Pun, Andrew's lit...

Medieval Minstrels were the first victims of EA’s corporate greed

They could only access their instruments by opening Lute Boxes

Good Old Vine

At a crime scene two detectives are gathering information on a murder. After gathering evidence and clues about the crime, they head back to their station and report to their boss.

Police Cheif: So, tell me about the case.

Detective 1: The victim is a teen aged boy with a brown and blu...

Looking at the victims body,

Looking at the victim’s body, the cops concluded that they died from ingesting hydrofluoric acid, but it was a baseless accusation.

Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?

The long term care ward

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where do Grammar Nazis take their victims?

To conjugation camps...

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