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Victim Jokes

Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim.

Within arm's length, to be specific.

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

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The victim was found with semen in her ear

I guess you could say she could hear the killer coming.

Officer: The victims were sacrificed to on a shrine made of antlers.

Detective: Dear god !
Officer: Most likely yes.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.

His acting school clearly failed him.

Why were the French fries in a victim support group?

Because they were a salted.

A serial killer takes a victim into the forest. It’s pitch dark.

Victim: I’m scared...
Killer: You’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

Did you know all Chernobyl victims developed perfect eyesight?

They had 20/20 fission.

Why did Death fall in love with his victim?

He just couldn't get enough of demise.

What do you call a stoned burn victim with a yeast infection?

A Baker

A policeman runs over to a hit-and-run victim, who says “My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!”

The cop says, “That car hit you from behind. How do you know it was your mother-in-law?” The victims says, “I recognize the laugh.”

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Guys Be careful! I've been a victim of a clever scam while at Costco parking...

Don't be naive enough to think, it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehicle. They both start roaming around ur car n looking for their lost keys ,with their breasts almost falling...

What do you call it when you find a nose just by itself, with no victim to be found?

No-body nose (sound it out)

(OC) A Killer Dies, And Meets His Victim In The Afterlife...

The killer stares awkwardly at the victim, the victim stares back. Unsure what to do, the killer finally says, "Well... This feels pretty tense."

The victim replies, "Oh, we're past tense."

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

I just fell victim to a dad joke

Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.

Me: I don't know?

Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.

I fell victim to a click bait.

Just like you.

Coffee is the silent victim in our house...

It gets mugged every day.

My keyboard is a victim

It has been O-pressed

How were the coin-collecting artist's victims murdered?

They were drawn and quartered!

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

There is a new serial killer in town who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts.

The cops are saying that he’s still at Large.

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

Every joke has a victim:

it's just whether or not they realise it that matters.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

Did you hear about the murder victim they found who's body was stretched out to 23 feet?

Poor guy was long dead.

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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A high school bully sees an old victim at their reunion,

Bully: Hey virgin!

Victim: Im not a virgin, just ask your sister.

Bully: I dont have a sister, dumbass.

Victim: Just wait nine months.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

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What do Hitler and the Boston Marathon victims have in common?

Neither of them could finish a race.

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My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London.

Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.

Coma victim...

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411, 19 in his account.

“Whooo- Hoo! I’m a multi-millionaire!”

He hobbles down the hallway giggling t...

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A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his foreskin!

Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.

Who was the most famous ARDS victim?

Franz Coughka

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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

How do vampires thank their victims?

Drank you so much!!

What does a gamer and a burn victim both say

I can’t wait to try out my new skin

What's the favored drink among coronavirus victims?

Coughy.

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"

"No, I did not."

"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"

"Well, h...

How did they know the victim of the shark attack had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders on the beach.

Whats the last thing a serial killer hear before he kills his next victim?

Snap crackle pop

What does a shark victim see before their end?

Fin.

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

Why shouldn’t you make fun of burn victims?

Because they have already been roasted one to many times.

Why are redneck murder victims the hardest to identify?

Because there are never any dental records

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

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The burn victim

A kid burns his eyelids off one day playing with fireworks. He's rushed to the hospital where they conduct emergency surgery. The kid was fortunately uncircumcised, so they took the foreskin to replace the lids that had been seared away. His parents however, were furious about the rushed surgery bec...

What do you call a Mexican Carjacking Victim?

CarLoss.

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

What do a newborn baby and a victim of organ theft have in common?

They’ve both been delivered.

I joined a volunteer group to help stab victims

Didn’t have a sharp knife, so I had my work cut out for me.

How many OCD victims does it take to change a light bulb?

1-2-3-4

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

what do school shooter victims and school shooter jokes have in common?

they never get old

What did the earthquake say to all of its victims?

Oh, sorry...my fault.

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.

Cop: Those dirty crooks.

Looking at the victims body,

Looking at the victim’s body, the cops concluded that they died from ingesting hydrofluoric acid, but it was a baseless accusation.

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Women are the victim of so many double standards...

If a man fucks a lot of women, he's celebrated and called a stud and player. But if a woman fucks a lot of men, she's called your mom.

A pickpocket is a victim of a motorcycle hit-and-run.

A police officer comes to his aid.

"Do you remember his license plate?" he asks.

"No" says the pickpocket weakly, "but here's his wallet."

Victim gets beat up, laptop stolen

But that's not the whole story so if you see "charged with battery" don't buy it!

The detective picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.

From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it. This leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and barges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect. But o...

A reporter is interviewing a Florida victim of Hurricane Michael.

In the background, a scene of complete devastation; the roof is gone, half of the walls are down, personal possessions scattered around. The person looks shell-shocked, with an unfocused gaze. The hair is wild, clothes disheveled, dirt smudges on the face and arms.

"So what are you going to d...

What’s a car crash victim’s favorite breakfast food?

Coma toast.

You know who the real victims of this virus are?

Ex cons, just made it out of prison to be put in solitary confinement.

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

Victim: Then the robber walked through the door holding a gun!

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Victim: No, a normal door. He just pushed through it.

I am a victim of cyber bullying

Every day my bank emails me to notify me that my account is under the required threshold. I do not need reminders that I am poor.

Did you hear about the shark attack victim that lost her left arm and left leg?

No? Well, she is all right now.

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A thalidomide victim has been badly injured by a firework...

He followed the instructions precisely - "Light fuse and hold at arms length".

Nearly blew his fucking head off!

How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?

With a kill-o-byte.

Where did the vegetarian cannibal get caught eating his last victim?

The long term care ward

What did Vlad the Impaler's victims cried to him during torture?

"Vladislav, baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm surprised Jeffrey Epstein's victims weren't more suspicious of his co-conspirator.

I mean, if someone told me I had to go to Jizz Lane to get $200, I'd be a little more reluctant.

Welcome to Self-victimization Addicts Anonymous.

I see everyone has come to seek help once again, and I must say I'm very disappointed.

My brother came up to me and asked if I knew what they say to Cosby's victims, he said "Stay woke". I asked what about R. Kelly's victims?

"Grow up"

What does SCP 173 say when he’s about to kill his next victim?

You’re necks.

I feel sorry for victims of necrophilia.

They're always left with blue balls.

I got invited to a bad taste halloween party. I was going to go as a suicide victim.

But decided to go as Jeffrey Epstein instead.

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

I'm a victim of child abuse

Some kid in the park called me ugly

Some priests told their victims it was okay to touch them because it said so in the bible.

That is, according to John,10, Luke, 8, and Matthew, 12.

Coroner: I have to say that the victim died at precisely 11 45 pm.

Detective: Are you positive?

Coroner: Its difficult with so many dead bodies lying around, but I’m hanging in there.

Did you hear about the serial killer who beat his victims to death with clocks?

He just wanted to kill some time.

Prince Phillip has finally apologised to the crash victim saying he’s deeply sorry...

Only took him 21 years

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

Why didn't rick astley help the victims of a building on fire?

He refused to let them down

Vampires need to stop turning their victims at such a young age.

Help end Premature Draculation.

I work as a mortician, and recently had a case of an unidentified murder victim who was killed in a bakery

I had to mark him down as a Jon dough.in the file.

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