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Inmate Jokes

When inmates fall in love.

Do the finish each others sentences?

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

Inmate escapes prison

Johnny had been in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison. Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison. After ten ye...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad...

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and t...

3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"

Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."

Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"

Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"

Inmate 1: "I arrived at...

My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it's like for a selfless guy to go down on them.

It just gives us some scents of perp puss.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens o...

I'm thinking of starting a reading program for inmates...

...but I'm still figuring out the prose and cons.

As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests.

My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging

A blizzard hit a remote prison way up in the mountains, the faculty were all evacuated but there was no time to save all the inmates.

After the weather calmed down, the roads were snowed over, and would be impassable until the thaw come springtime. Rescuers were flown in to find the the inmates had all perished due to the unbearable cold. It seemed the only think left to do was to remove the bodies to give closure to the families ...

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I dropped the soap in the prison shower today.

A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me.

"Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.

Three gulag inmates

"Three gulag inmates are telling each other what they’re in for. The first one says: 'I was five minutes late for work, and they charged me with sabotage.'

The second says: 'For me it was just the opposite: I was five minutes early for work, and they charged me with espionage.'

The t...

When Jeffrey Epstein was in prison, other inmates asked him what he was in for...

"nothing much, just a minor problem"

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two Inmates are caught having sex and need to be separated, who leaves the cell first?

The guy on bottom. He already has his shit packed.

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

I think all inmates should have access to SMS messaging...

Con-text is important.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

You know that prison joke where all the inmates know all the jokes already?

r/jokes is the prison

Why was the inmate given an eraser and white out?

Because his case was handled by the Department of Corrections.

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An inmate is in the prison cafeteria on his first day in jail.

He's eating his lunch, minding his own business when suddenly another inmate shouts out **"86!"** and everybody bursts out laughing. The new inmate is confused, but says nothing.

A moment later another inmate shouts out **"13!"** and everybody bursts out laughing again. The new inmate is ser...

A psychologist came to an insane asylum in order to see if inmates were ready to be discharged

The psychologist brought with him a match box, he'd ask each inmate what was the thing he was holding, If they answered correctly, he would discharge them. The first inmate said a "match box", so he was discharged. The second man said "match box" so he was also discharged, so on and so on 'till cam...

Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because

they’ll finish each other’s sentences.

Death Row Inmate

A man was sentenced to death. The prison had a tradition that all death row inmates were allowed to choose their last meal. When his time came, he couldn’t make up his mind so he asked for some time to think about it.

The day he is to be executed arrives, but he still hasn’t chosen his last m...

The strongest inmate in a prison should be called the mitochondria

Because they’re the powerhouse of the *cell*

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New inmate at prison.

A new inmate arrives at prison and he is visibly scared and nervous when he is approached by a veteran inmate.

"Hey man, it's not so bad here. Let me ask you something, do you like movies?"

"Yeah, I like movies."

"Great! Every Monday we have a movie night. Let me ask you some...

I heard a former Azkaban inmate is opening a Quidditch ball repair shop…

It’s called “Snitches Get Stitches”.

What do Cyberpunk 2077 and a deathrow inmate have in common?

They both won't ever get a release date.

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An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.

The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.

“Honestly I shouldn’t be in here. They said it was because I had sex with a woman.”

The man raised an eyebrow and asked “did she consent?”

“Yes. She consented.”

“How old was she?”

“23.”
...

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Two prison inmates are in their cell on the 3rd floor. One turns to the other and says he has a plan to escape.

Prisoner 1: "So once I've explained the plan, I'll detail the roles we each will have."

Prisoner 2: "Ok."

P1: "Over the next week, we trade food with as many others as possible. We need all the fiber we can get."

P2: "Ok... that's doable, but-"

P1: "Then over the next wee...

A big bus stops at a roadside eatery.

The passengers flood inside the eatery and as they take their respective seats the driver calls the manager aside and explains, "Look sir, we're from the mental asylum down the road. I'm taking the inmates for a ride. When they're done eating they will insist on paying with bottle caps like they do ...

In the prison shower

A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stamme...

The Inmate on Death Row

An inmate is on death row, waiting to be executed. The guard comes to his cell and asks him what his last request is.

"Since, I don't particularly have a favorite food, I'm going to request singing a song instead, one time, and without interruptions," the inmate replied. "This song was one my...

What is the last meal request of a women as a death row inmate?

She is not decided yet.

Please give her some more time.

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

How many prison guards does it take to push an inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

So a KGB inspector goes to visit a Siberian prison to check on the inmates in their cells.

First he goes to the first cell and asks the inmate "why were you arrested?" The inmate replies him "My watch was always 10 minutes late and thus i was always late for work so they assumed that i was late because i was planning a coup".
He then proceeds to go to the second cell and asks the inmat...

The autopsy report came back from the inmate who hung himself in his cell

He had the Epstein-behindBarrs virus

Jesus loves you!

Great if you're Christian!
Not so great if you're an inmate in Mexico...

Why are prison inmates dressed in orange? They should be dressed in violet

Because they're violetors.

What do you call a prison guard who is responsible for a high profile inmate?

Asleep apparently.

A man spending his first night in prison hears other inmates calling out numbers, followed by laughter.

The next day he starts talking to one of the inmates and asks about it.

The inmate explains that after a few years there was no new jokes so they decided to just number all the good ones, that way they could save time in telling the joke.

That night the inmates are calling out numbers...

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

The jailer started counting the number of inmates one morning

because he wanted a con-census.

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New inmates are lined up to go into prison

Guard in front yells "Everyone have your personal effects out for inspection! You ate allowed ONLY ONE item!"

Towards the back of the line a new inmate asks the guy in front of him, "Hey buddy....what you bringing in?"

The reply was "pastels and chalk. Gonna teach myself how to draw. ...

An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started raping people.

The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.

What did the death-row inmate say to the soft-spoken governor?

I beg your pardon.

What does a tired toddler and an inmate have in common?

They both resisted a rest

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An inmate walks into his cell...

His cellmate asks, "would rather be the mommy or the daddy?"

"Uhm, the daddy I guess?"

"Then get over here and suck mommy's dick."

A paralyzed man got a new set of legs from a death row inmate.

Don't worry, the other guy got the chair.

What do you call a death row inmate who knows how to weatherproof?

Dead man caulking.

I was driving past a mental asylum

I was driving past a mental asylum when all of a sudden my tire comes off and rolls down the hill along with the nuts.

I was so angry I started cussing on my way down the hill to collect the tire because I couldn’t find the nuts, which grabbed the attention of someone in the asylum, he said I...

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

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Two inmates were caught having sex and the deputy jailer was furious.

The lawyer representing the inmates told the jailer

"Why can't you let bi-cons be bi-cons and move on"

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Inmates on death row should have prison ID’s ending in .EXE

Because, eventually, they are all executable.

A man spends his first night in prison...

Right after lights out, he is surprised to hear someone yell "42!", after which the entire cell block erupts in laughter.

Soon after, another inmate yells "17!", and again there's uproarious laughter and applause.

He asks his cellmate to explain. His cellmate tells him that all th...

Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"?

Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"

I started a poetry club at the prison I work at. It's great for the inmates, but does mean I have to stay late with no extra pay

It's got prose and cons.

The government is considering implementing a plan to freeze inmates on a large scale

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons

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Everyone on Cell Block "D" burst into raucous laughter when one of the inmates shouted, "Joke 872!"

Then, another inmate shouted, "Joke 74!" and everyone laughed heartily.

A new inmate turned to his cellmate and asked, "What's that all about?"

"Oh," said the cellmate, "those are references to our master joke book. Instead of telling the whole joke, you just shout out the joke's numb...

A man is scentenced to serve in prison

While walking around the yard, he notice a group of inmates laughing.

As he gets closer he hear one of them say '17' and immidietly the rest starts to laugh. Then another inmate shouts '48' as the others laugh even harder. After the third guy shouts '22' everyone laugh so hard some of them ar...

Whats worse, being a vegan inmate or non vegan?

Or non vegan inmate*


Depends on whether you want to eat meat or toss salad.

How do prison inmates communicate with each other?

With their cell phones

A man goes to prison

During his first night, he hears his fellow inmates shouting out.

“37!” Everyone laughs.

“18!” Everyone laughs again.

He asks his cellmate what that’s all about.

“Oh, we’ve been in here so long that we’ve numbered the jokes. Give it a try.”

“63!” No response. H...

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An innocent man is given a life sentence. (NSFWish)

The guards take him to his cell, where he finds out that his bunkmate is about twice his size, with a mean mug and a menacing demeanor. As the innocent man is settling in, the inmate says, "Alright, since I'm feeling generous today, I'm gonna give you the option. You wanna be the wife or the husband...

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Two death row inmates are asked about their final wish before they're executed.

The first inmate says: "I want to hear the entire Journey to the Centre of the Earth album by Rick Wakeman one last time."

"Alright, we can do that", says the guard and he asks the second inmate what he wants.

"Well, in that case", the second inmate says, "can you execute me first?"

Some inmates claimed Blackbeard was best...

but I don't believe in cons' piracy theories.

*Politics* Year 2019, two inmates are talking in a prison:

\- What are you here for?

\- I wrote a comic strip saying that our president was an idiot.

\- Did they charge you under an article for rioting or harassment then?

\- For disclosure of classified information.

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The inmates of an asylum are playing a game called "ripe mango"

It consists of the inmates climbing a tree in the facility and yelling "ripe mango", before letting go and falling to the ground. The director of the asylum passes by and chuckes and one of the inmates calls him to play.

The director, just to indulge them, climbs the tree but yells "unripe m...

Some inmates were complaining about the prison they're in

The walls aren't built to scale

A new prisoner arrives at the gulag, and his fellow inmates ask what he was imprisoned for.

""Nothing! They gave me 10 years for nothing!", the new inmate said.

"Oh come on, don't lie to us!", replied the other inmate; "Everyone knows 'for nothing' is only 5 years!"

How many deputies did it take to push the inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

I work as a Detention Deputy, and that's one of my favorite jokes to tell the inmates.

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I was in prison and my inmate was scratching the wall and crying against it.

I said, "Fucking hell, buddy. I came here to get AWAY from my wife."

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

What did the executioner say to the death row inmate who had their execution date expedited?

Boy have I got noose for you...

TIL in 2015 three inmates from a maximum security prison beat Harvard’s debate team.

With their fists.

Do you know why Female inmate get executed the day of their menstruation ?

because every sentence must end with a period.

A criminologist asks a prison warden for permission to interview all the white inmates.

"Sure," the warden agrees, "But why only the white inmates? You're not a racist, are you?"

"Nothing of the sort," the researcher replies, "But I do need to limit the study to criminals."

Three inmates at the insane asylum gather around the lunch table to plot how they can break out and regain their freedom.

Rudy, the longest standing resident explains they should all meet along the Southern wall at precisely midnight, whereupon he will use his recently illegally acquired hospital issue flashlight to vault them over the wall. Then it’s a short walk across the border into Mexico.

Upon hearing the ...

TIL in 1954 the Detroit Red Wings held an exhibition match against inmates at Marquette prison.

The game had its pros and cons.

Why were the prisoners of Alcatraz upset when the shortest inmate broke free by sliding down his homemade rope?

It was a little condescending.

A bunch of inmates in prison are lifers, and have been serving together for many years already. They’ve already told each other all the jokes they can remember so often, that they devised a numbering system. Instead of retelling the joke, after a while an inmate would say the joke number instead.

One morning, an inmate was sitting around with a group of guys and just says “26” and everyone starts laughing. A second inmate says “71” and everyone laughs even harder. A third inmate says “37” and no one reacts. He repeats “37” and still no one laughs. Quite frustrated, he says, “I don’t understa...

Did you hear about the book written by the inmate in the New York State Prison?

It got an early release for good behavior.

An inmate in a prison is about to be released for good behaviour.

The prison guard walks into the cell to inform the inmate of the good news.
At first, the inmate speaks to the prison guard and is almost immediately interrupted.
The prison guard interjects, but before he can tell the inmate he is soon to be released for good behaviour, the inmate loudly shou...

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A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The i...

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A guy goes to prison.

As the guard is taking him to his cell, all the inmates are cat whistling at him, winking, and shouting “see you in the shower princess”. The guy is terrified and swears to himself that he’ll never go for a shower. As the weeks go by he’s starting to smell real bad but he still refuses to take a sho...

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What do you call someone who thinks that sex often lasts too long?

An inmate.

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "...

Officials recently stated that inmates on death row will no longer be granted a final meal

Just desserts.

A man went to prison

On his first night in his cell block he heard other inmates shout what seemed like random numbers, and everyone started laughing. This went on for a while but he couldn't make sense of it

The next day he asked another inmate:
- What's with all the numbers they shouted last night? Why were ...

It’s Bob’s first day in prison

.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laugh...

A senior citizen is pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper says, “If you can give me a reason for speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.” The old gentleman replies, “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.” The trooper frowns. “That’s a repost, sir. You’re under arrest. I’m afraid I...

Did you hear about the prison that grouped its inmates based on if they were dominant or submissive?

They had the place sorted top to bottom.

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The japanese don't tell inamates their execution dates. Inmates wake up everyday thinking that it will be their last.

In short, they like to keep them hanging.

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Did you hear the Japanese sumo wrestling team lost to a group of prison inmates?

I guess the cons outweighed the pros.

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A warden asks an inmate if he could have anything, what he would like to eat for his last meal before his execution

Inmate: Your wife's pussy

Warden: Asshole ...

[yells at guard] CALL MY HUSBAND! This fucker thought he was funny, and didn't know I was gay.

*turns back to inmate*

It'll be an asshole.

Hole in the wall

A guy was walking next to a prison and he could hear the inmates shouting repeadetly "SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN, SEVEN". The curiosity got the better out of him and he decided to take a peek through a small hole he saw in the wall. The man screamed in agony as he got poked in the eye from the other side a...

I drove by the local jailhouse today. The inmates were out in the yard playing football. I slowed down and yelled,

"Pass me the ball, I'm free!"

A joke my father told me.

I haven't seen it here yet so I hope its fresh;

A new inmate spends his first night in prison and after things quiet down for the night, he hears someone from one of the upper floors call out. "THIRTY SEVEN!" he shouts. An uproar of laughter fills the prison.

The new inmate is somewhat...

I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions.

I call it:
Prose and Cons

A man gets off the prison bus

A man gets arrested and is getting off the prison bus

As soon as he gets inside the walls the biggest inmate in there backs him into a corner

Inmate says "alright, this is going to happen either way, the only choice I'm gonna give you, spit or no spit"

The man, shaking and sweat...

Prison Joker

Young guy gets sentenced to 15 years in prison and is assigned to a cell with a lifer. The old man explains the rules, including the no-talking policy in the cafeteria.
At dinner that night, one of the inmates stands up and yells out, "28!" All the other inmates laugh loudly and then resume eatin...

The funniest joke...

After a lengthy trial, Bob is found guilty and sentenced to life in a medium security prison. Arriving just in time for the daily lunch, Bob introduces himself to his fellow inmates as he waits in line for the meal.

Somebody yells out "54!", and everyone around Bob starts laughing.

"12...

“meta” mates

Facebook employees are now > Metamates.
LinkedIn > Inmates.
Amazon > Primates.
Tinder > Intimates.
ServiceNow > Nowmates.
Snowflake > Snowmates.
Postmates > Postmatemates.

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In a Nazi concentration camp

The inmates were being led into the gas chamber. One of them slip in front of the door, hit his head and died on the spot, before going inside the gas chamber. And the rest of the inmates were gassed to death too.

They meet each other in heaven and started laughing hysterically about how the ...

What does a Trump staff member call you?

I don't know. But, but they have to call you collect. Like all the other inmates.

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Top 10 Things That Prison Guards Hate

10) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.

9) Coming up with one too many during a head count.

8) Having to break up a fight in the shower.

7) Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

6) Recognizing the newest inmate as your financial...

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A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

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jokes

**A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell... -** The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses: "Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat." His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says: ...

Death penalty in Texas has a ticket line

The teller calls out for number 6. The inmate nervously steps up to the counter. The teller says, "It isn't your turn. You have number 9," and the inmate sighs with relief.



He thought his number was up.

I take the bus to school

So every morning I take the bus to campus. On the way, it stops by the local prison.

This morning, while we were stopped by the prison, I heard a loud crash. I look to my right and I see what used to be a window, now shattered.

I'm looking at the window, and I see some rope fly out. F...

A man comes to Jail.

His new cellmate warns him to drop the soap while showering. As expected, the new inmate falls down the Soap while showering. He looks around and wants to pick it up. Suddenly a big shadow appears. A bear of a man stands behind him and asks: "With spit or without?" The new inmate answers in total fe...

There is a type of capital punishment where the executioner yells mispronounced words at the inmates until they die.

It's called lethal inflection.

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

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