I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to f...

Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?

They both got 6 months.

P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!

Sorry for the typo

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

Did 'ja hear the one about the criminal painter?

he was framed

The FBI, CIA and KGB were tasked to find a criminal duck that escaped into the forest.

First was the CIA, they interrogated and investigated for years, and came to the conclusion that the duck doesnt exist.

Then was the FBI, they did months of investigation, interrogated and spied every animal in the forest, then they accidentally caused a wildfire that killed every animal in ...

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

I was being chased by a criminal but thankfully I had some strawberry spread

I was able to jam the door shut

What type of criminal doesn't like breakfast?

A cereal killer.

Hi, I'm black, and I hate it when people assume we're all criminals.

-Sent from your iPhone

What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

What do computer criminals like to eat?

Cheese and Hackers.

(My 7-year old son came up with that one, so go easy :)

What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?

They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.

A father has been a criminal-

\-and has been avoiding the police. One day, he talks to his son, Michael.

Father:Listen, if people are looking for me, tell them I'm not here, if they ask where I went or when I'll come back, tell them you don't know.

​

Michael:Yes, father.

​
...

How does Italy execute its criminals?

Guidotine

What do you call a smug criminal walking down a flight of stairs?

A condescending con descending.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

What do you call a ship with a criminal record?

A thugboat.

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is arrested and put in a cell with an enormous hardened criminal...

On the first night the criminal says to man:

**"Boy, we gonna play Mama's and Papa's, you wanna be Mama or Papa?"**

"Eh, I'd rather not play"

**"MAMA OR PAPA BOY?!"**

"Ok, I'll be the Papa"

**"Arite, come over here and suck Mama's cock!"**

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

What did the executioner do when the criminal tried to give him a high five?

Left him hanging!

What do you need in order to understand a joke about a criminal's written confession?

Context.

Did you hear what happened to the criminal who walked too close to the edge of the hole?

He felon.

How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?

When your lawyer has a lawyer.

News reporter: How did you know who the criminal was to shoot him?

“I’m a film major, I shoot mistakes for a living”

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

There should be a pageant for minor criminals where it's based solely on their demeanor, not looks.

Whoever wins will be crowned Miss Demeanor 2018.

If we isolated all the worlds criminals on an island for a hundred years what would they say if we met them again

G'day mate

I asked a criminal what he thought about the gallows?

He said,

"No noose is good noose."

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

I’m proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I’m just working on the lawyer part right now.

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor.

It’s the dark ones that get in trouble.

What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?

Criptonite.

What do you call a deceitful little criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow?

A leprechaun artist!

This criminal invaded my house and turned my phone book upside down without me realising.

Instead of the cops there's some angry guy with a pitchfork on my doorstep.

A rabbi worked the criminal underground had to go on the run after a circumcision..

He would've been caught if he hadn't gotten that tip off.

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

The CIA,The FBI and the KGB

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB argue about who’s the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to test them. He releases a rabbit into the woods and each of the divisions has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wanna hear about the criminals who stole a truck full of viagra?

They went to jail for 10 years and then became hardened criminals.

A criminal was pushed on to the ground

he *felon* his ass

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The King and the Four Criminals

Once upon a time, there were four criminals on trial and they were all presented in front of the King.

King: "I shall forgive you of all your sins, you only need to do a task for me. Bring me 10 pieces of a fruit of your choosing. Don't bother escaping, for I will have you escorted by my ...

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

3 criminals are about to be executed by firing squad

The first one is told to get in front and the marshal count down. 3! 2! 1! The prisoner shouts TORNADO and points behind the soldiers. When the soldiers turn around the prisoner runs away.

The marshal isn’t pleased and orders the second prisoner to the line. He counts down 3! 2! 1! The priso...

Last time I went to Australia they asked me if I had a criminal record

Didn't think you still need one.

A prison van crashed into a cement mixer this morning...

Police are currently on the lookout for half a dozen hardened criminals.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

Instead of using the fear of prison to dissuade criminals, we should start making them eat Tide Pods.

That would be a real crime detergent.

I gave a wanted criminal a sapling...

I guess you could say I was arboring a fugitive!

After a long two-week criminal trial in a high profile bank robbery case,

the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes, your honor," the foreman responded. "Would you please pass it to me," the judge decla...

I think my old math teacher may have been a war criminal....

Every single time in class he would start talking about the 'ex-Axis'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pregnant woman is at the bank when it gets robbed and she is shot 3 times as the criminals leave.

She is sent to the doctor who tells her that miraculously she and the unborn babes are fine but the bullets have been incorporated into the children. No need to worry they are fine and will pass the bullets naturally as they grow. Many years go bye and the oldest daughter comes running to the mother...

Where did they put criminal geometrists?

The concave.

What do you get when you cross a two criminals and a Jew?

Salvation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend told me that If he wasn’t mixing cocktails, he’d be a criminal.

Either way, he’s behind bars.

Who stopped The criminals in The dinosaur age?

The triceracops

Books written by criminals are so hard to reference

Everytime you quote it, it's out of context

If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in...

... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

What is a criminal's least favourite metal?

The copper.

What's a french criminal's favourite font?

Sans Sheriff

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Back in the day when being homosexual was a criminal offense

there was a particularly notorious gay guy. One day the sheriff caught him on strong suspicion of homosexual activity, but he had no evidence against him. So he calls in a rookie police officer for help.
"Son, I have this man in my custody who slept with hundreds of men in the city. Unfortunate...

Police issued a warning of an escape criminal who is a mime

The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things

Criminal activity report

I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

What did the Roman ruler say when a female criminal ran from him?

Ceasar!

3 criminals are about to be executed by a firing squad...

The first criminal is brought out. The captain yells "Arm!" then "Aim!" The criminal thinks quickly and shouts "Tsunami!" Being near a tsunami-prone area, the captain and his men look around. The criminal escapes.

The second criminal is then brought out. The captain orders his men the same as...

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

A group of criminals are in jail....

They sit down for lunch with their disgusting food and talk. They talk about how they got arrested and what they used to be. Guy One says,"I was a ladder salesman, I got arrested for robbing a bank." Guy Two says,"I was a drug dealer, you know the rest." Guy Three says,"I was a hitman, I got arreste...

Why couldn't the criminal fall asleep?

He was resisting arrest.

What do you call an ex-criminal who solicits his services to farmers to plow their fields?

A contractor