UPJOKE
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Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs?

Because they usually end up behind bars.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

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Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

i have been chasing a criminal who murders at railway stations

i think i am on the right track

There once was a criminal that was so so fat...

That not even the police could surround him

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps?

A condescending con descending.

Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal?

To the pennytentiary.

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

A young lawyer who recently hung out his shingle, was retained by a criminal with $5 and a very poor defense

"Well, you got a case, son," said his proud father.

"Yes, dad."

"And what advice did you give your client?"

"After listening to his story I collected what money he had and advised him to retain a more experienced lawyer."



Source: 1913 newspaper

Did you hear about the fat criminal?

We thought we shut him down.

Turns out,

He’s still at large.

Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer!

Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.

After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.

I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

A criminals best asset

his liability.

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

I don't have a criminal record

Not since the fire.

Why did the criminal get arrested on his 18th birthday?

He committed adultery.

Little Fritz tells his father he wants to become a criminal when grown up.

His father explained, he would have to choose between a career in organised crime and a political career.

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

Why do most orphans become criminals?

Because they just want to feel wanted...

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

A known criminal walks into a restaurant

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning.
The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal.
While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu"

The owner replied with just ...

Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.

What do you call a criminal who laughs at everything you say?

Jimmy Felon

What do Saudi Arabian criminals fear?

The Long Arm Abdullah

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Action

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. Th...

What is the most competitive criminal chicken piece?

The contender

Criminal justice in the dog world is harsh.

All you need to do is litter once and the next thing you know you’re getting fixed.

what do you call a criminally bad orange juice?

Not innocent.

(It's a brand fyi :3)

What did the police officer say to the criminal hiding under the bed?

“You’re under rest”

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I was called to the witness stand for a criminal case

I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The attorney asked what I saw on the 5th of april at 2:23 AM, I told her I'd like to fuck her in the ass.

Two sharp criminals just vandalized your home!

Luckily, the damage looks to B Minor

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As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.


“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”


“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending

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Thieves stole a truck that was delivering Viagra

The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

I drew a criminal the other day.

He looked pretty sketchy.

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The thief who stole viagra at the pharmacy...

He's really a *hardened* criminal.

What did the tree say when he caught the criminal stealing?

Stick your hands up.

Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp?

He got a very light sentence.

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

Not every member of Al Capone's family had a criminal career..

His brother Mas sold cheese .

What do you call a letter sent by a criminal

Context

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

A man is deciding whether to become a novelist or a career criminal

You could say he's weighing the prose and cons

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

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Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

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"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

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A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

Have you heard of Alan Walker’s criminal brother?

Jay Walker

What do criminals and motivational posters have in common?

Life sentences.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

What do you call a hardened criminal from Crete?

Con-crete

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

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My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

Someone broke into my house and stole my Limbo trophy

Just how low can these criminals go

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

I’m trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

Did you hear about the criminal racer?

He just wouldn't stay in his lane.

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

Importance of a good college education

A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education.

“Father, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son.

“Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a co...

Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown.

As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny!"

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

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A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

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