The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending

I like my criminals like I like my passwords.

Case sensitive.

A known criminal walks into a restaurant

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning.
The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal.
While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu"

The owner replied with just ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

What’s the difference between a depressed criminal and a cat cutting down a gumtree with a chainsaw?

One’s a felon feeling glum, and the other is a feline felling gum.

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?

A Gangaroo

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?

She puts it into a conviction oven.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

I was applying for citizenship in Australia, and the interviewer asked, "Do you have a criminal background".

I replied, "No, is that still a requirement".

Did you hear about the criminal racer?

He just wouldn't stay in his lane.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown.

As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra....

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

A child sets fires around the community.

Mom: My son is a fire starting monster. I raised a criminal.
Dad: It's arson.

What is a criminal’s favorite punctuation mark?

The period. It marks the end of his sentence.

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

To the criminals who stole my calendar

I hope you both get six months!

An Indian, a Pakistani and a Chinese are caught in a criminal act in Saudi Arabia and sentenced to flogging.

The Saudi flogger walks up to them and says : "Look, you all belong to some important countries so i gotta go easy on you. I'll let you pick how you want to get flogged"



The Chinese says: "Ok thanks habibi, please tie a mattress to my back and flog me then ok?"



Saudi du...

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Not all criminal records are bad

Some warrants are outstanding.

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

I wrote a book about criminals who just drone on and on about things.

It's called "prose and cons"

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition.

Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said to me, “If I wasn’t mixing cocktails, I’d be a criminal.”

Either way, he’s behind bars.

What do you call someone who steals a fruit drink?

A smoothie criminal.

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

So I'm walking down the road I feel something hit me on the head.

So I look around I see it's a mango.

Next thing a tub of yoghurt comes out of nowhere and smacks me in the face and splashes yoghurt all over me. Then I get whacked in the neck with a banana and I take a paya-paya to the head and it knocks me out.

So I wake up and the police are the...

Bah humbug!

The International Criminal Court of Justice in the Hague, in the case brought before it against the year 2020 and COVID-19, has ruled the phrase "Bah humbug!" is no longer just for Christmas and should now be used year round.

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do porn-stars and criminals have in common?

They very rarely come quietly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

Did you hear about the criminal with a fetish for legal procedures?

He got off on a technicality.

What’s the difference between Batman and a criminal?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.

The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.

The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."

The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?

Sketchy

I got arrested for giving criminals glasses of ice cubes.

Apparently you're considered to be a vigilante if you hand out just ice on the streets.

Did you hear that more bank robbers have been caught this year than any before in history...

It seems the criminals are refusing to wear masks.

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my friend that a prisoner on Viagra is a hardened criminal. She said something about that doesn't seem right.

I agreed, something is definitely afoot.

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

I’m writing a screenplay about a group of criminals scheming to rob an allergy clinic.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Gesundheist”.

How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?

When your lawyer has a lawyer.

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