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Criminal Jokes

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

There once was a criminal that was so so fat...

That not even the police could surround him

What do you call a snobby criminal walking down the steps?

A condescending con descending.

Halfway to my dream of being a criminal lawyer!

Now I just have to work on the lawyer part.

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

How do detained criminals contact their families?

They face time

Shoplifters are the most introspective criminals.

They are always taking stock.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Did you know that the vast majority of convicted criminals are married men?

It's the only way they get to finish a sentence.

Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs?

Because they usually end up behind bars.

A known criminal walks into a restaurant

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning.
The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal.
While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu"

The owner replied with just ...

Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.

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My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

A criminals best asset

his liability.

Where did the frugal judge sent the criminal?

To the pennytentiary.

I don't have a criminal record

Not since the fire.

i have been chasing a criminal who murders at railway stations

i think i am on the right track

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

What do Saudi Arabian criminals fear?

The Long Arm Abdullah

Why do most orphans become criminals?

Because they just want to feel wanted...

Two sharp criminals just vandalized your home!

Luckily, the damage looks to B Minor

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

What is the most competitive criminal chicken piece?

The contender

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Criminal justice in the dog world is harsh.

All you need to do is litter once and the next thing you know you’re getting fixed.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

A catholic priest, a predator and a criminal walk into a bar

He ordered a beer

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

What do you call a criminal who laughs at everything you say?

Jimmy Felon

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp?

He got a very light sentence.

A man has the opportunity to win a million dollars if he can cross lake Superior in a 16 foot sailboat...

The people sponsoring the challenge give the man two choices of what he can bring on the boat to assist him. He can either bring a large box of novels or two criminals. However, the people running the competition get to choose what the books are and who the criminals are.

The man realizes the...

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

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I was called to the witness stand for a criminal case

I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The attorney asked what I saw on the 5th of april at 2:23 AM, I told her I'd like to fuck her in the ass.

After spending twenty two years surrounded by criminals, I finally saw the light of day again.

I'm so glad I left my job at the sporting organisation.

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

Trump said...

Trump said in his campaign that if I voted for Clinton, I would be stuck with a criminal president under constant federal investigation from day one.

Turns out, he was right. I voted for Clinton and I'm stuck with a criminal president under federal investigation from day one.

This isn'...

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

What did the tree say when he caught the criminal stealing?

Stick your hands up.

What do you call a letter sent by a criminal

Context

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

What did the police officer say to the criminal hiding under the bed?

“You’re under rest”

Not every member of Al Capone's family had a criminal career..

His brother Mas sold cheese .

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

I told my wife I feel bad for criminals because they have to work holidays.

She said they deserve time and a half.

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

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"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

A young lawyer who recently hung out his shingle, was retained by a criminal with $5 and a very poor defense

"Well, you got a case, son," said his proud father.

"Yes, dad."

"And what advice did you give your client?"

"After listening to his story I collected what money he had and advised him to retain a more experienced lawyer."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.


“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”


“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

My Palestinian Cousin's favorite Arabic joke

Two criminals are given the death sentence. Before theyre executed, the warden asks the first man "What is your last request?". The man says "Please, sir, could I see my mother one last time before I go?". The warden turns to an officer and asks him to fetch the man's mother. In the meantime, he ask...

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record...

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

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Punishing Criminals

Two men are caught trying to hold up a bank. One of them admits to and apologises for his crime, the other doesn't.

The town they're from has a new justice system based on physical punishment. The judge sentences the man who did not repent to be kicked in the balls for a day, and the other ma...

What do you call a hardened criminal from Crete?

Con-crete

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

A picture of Dave Chappelle's character Tyrone Biggums from the TV show 'Chappelle's Show' asking for more of something.

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A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

Have you heard of Alan Walker’s criminal brother?

Jay Walker

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

A man is deciding whether to become a novelist or a career criminal

You could say he's weighing the prose and cons

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

What’s the difference between Batman and a criminal?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

What type of criminal doesn't like breakfast?

A cereal killer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

The police finally catch a notorious criminal,

so the chief himself decides to interrogate him.

Chief: "Let me see here, you have quite the backstory. Theft, forgery, burglary, forgery, blackmail, theft, forgery, forgery, forgery, the list goes on and on. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Criminal: "Well, it took me a while to...

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

Where did they put criminal geometrists?

The concave.

What’s a criminal rappers least favorite, and favorite thing?

Bars

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

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