Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

A known criminal walks into a restaurant

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning.
The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal.
While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu"

The owner replied with just ...

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A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

What do you call an uppity criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

What do you call a hardened criminal from Crete?

Con-crete

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

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Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

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"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

A thief breaks into a house and ties up the elderly couple living there

Being criminally minded he decides to kill one of them. To make his decision he asks them some questions to get to know them better.

“What’s your name?” he asks the woman.

“Clementine,” she replies.

“Oh that’s my mother’s name! Don’t worry I won’t kill you.”

Turning to...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?

She puts it into a conviction oven.

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I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

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3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?

A Gangaroo

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

What’s the difference between a gun and a taser?

A taser shocks the criminal. A gun shocks the officer who thought they pulled out a taser.

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

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A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown.

As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny!"

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

I wrote a book about criminals who just drone on and on about things.

It's called "prose and cons"

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

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A lawyer wins his first truly huge case with a multi-million dollar payoff.

He's flying high. He drives to the office the next Monday in shiny new threads with all of the most expensive trimming, driving the most expensive imported Bentley he can find. Everyone at the office needs to see this, he thinks, so he gets there super early to park right in front of the building,...

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My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

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Cement Mixer

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston bypass.


Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

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BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

What’s a criminal rappers least favorite, and favorite thing?

Bars

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Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

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What do porn-stars and criminals have in common?

They very rarely come quietly

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

What’s the difference between Batman and a criminal?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.

The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.

The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."

The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

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