Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

A known criminal walks into a restaurant

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning.
The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal.
While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu"

The owner replied with just ...

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

What do you call a letter sent by a criminal

Context

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

A man is deciding whether to become a novelist or a career criminal

You could say he's weighing the prose and cons

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

What do you call an uppity criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con, descending.

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

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Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

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"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

What do criminals and motivational posters have in common?

Life sentences.

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

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A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

What do you call a hardened criminal from Crete?

Con-crete

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

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What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

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Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

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I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

If James T. Kirk ran a drug business from his ship...

Would it be a criminal Enterprise?

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?

She puts it into a conviction oven.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

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3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

The police caught a person erasing people's criminal records

They said he was a real pro for a first offender.

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

A thief breaks into a house and ties up the elderly couple living there

Being criminally minded he decides to kill one of them. To make his decision he asks them some questions to get to know them better.

“What’s your name?” he asks the woman.

“Clementine,” she replies.

“Oh that’s my mother’s name! Don’t worry I won’t kill you.”

Turning to...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

What is A criminal group of kangaroos called?

A Gangaroo

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

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A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

Watching Puss n Boots: You know if I were a criminal i dont think i could trust and egg for a partner...

They would crack to easy if the got caught!

Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown.

As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny!"

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

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Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

What’s the difference between a gun and a taser?

A taser shocks the criminal. A gun shocks the officer who thought they pulled out a taser.

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My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

What do you call someone that steals your soap?

A dirty criminal

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

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Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

What’s a criminal rappers least favorite, and favorite thing?

Bars

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

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What do porn-stars and criminals have in common?

They very rarely come quietly

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

What’s the difference between Batman and a criminal?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

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