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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

The KGB, the FBI and the Cia are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investiga...

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

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My friend said to me, “If I wasn’t mixing cocktails, I’d be a criminal.”

Either way, he’s behind bars.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

To the on the run criminals out there that are having trouble with your love lives..

You are wanted and I just wanted to tell you that

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

What does the handicapped man say to the cops when he’s mistaken for a criminal ?

"Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed."

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Why are most criminals virgins?

because theyre in cells

How did the hotdog get the job despite having a criminal record?

It was a misde-wiener

Did you hear about the criminal with a fetish for legal procedures?

He got off on a technicality.

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

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What do porn-stars and criminals have in common?

They very rarely come quietly

What’s a criminal rappers least favorite, and favorite thing?

Bars

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

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Thieves stole a truck full of viagra this morning...

Police have asked the public to keep an eye out for *hardened criminals*.

A British man is visiting Australia.

The man at customs asks him

"Do you have a criminal record?"

The British man replies

"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."

A band’s drummer dies suddenly

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out. It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get gum diease...

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A shipment of Viagra was stolen from my local Pharmacy this morning.

The cops are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

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My viagra was stolen

Be on the look out for hardened criminals!

A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.

Out back.

The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what's your story?

The dog speaks: Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country. So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in f...

A man walks up to a criminal underneath a guillotine.

The man says, "Hey, whatcha gonna be doing later? *Hanging* around?" He then bursts out laughing.

The criminal responds, "This is a guillotine, not a gallows, idiot."

The man stops and looks at it, and then says, "Huh. I guess we're both losing our heads today."

What’s the difference between Batman and a criminal?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

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Three hardened criminals were arrested last night.

They were all on Viagra.

I got arrested for giving criminals glasses of ice cubes.

Apparently you're considered to be a vigilante if you hand out just ice on the streets.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

What do you call an illustrator with a criminal history.....?

Sketchy

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

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I told my friend that a prisoner on Viagra is a hardened criminal. She said something about that doesn't seem right.

I agreed, something is definitely afoot.

A perpetual criminal offender is brought to the court house for trial. However the judge is a duck wearing robes and a powdered wig

. The criminal is incensed, he shouts out "I will not be judged by a common duck"
The judge says to the defence lawyer "If you don't silence your client he will be held in contempt."
The defence says "Yes Mallard"

The police were recently investigating a recent sheep theft..

No onces been charged yet, but police hope to have the criminals behind bahhs soon

Today a criminal pigeon was remanded to jail without bail

Apparently he was a flight risk

I’m writing a screenplay about a group of criminals scheming to rob an allergy clinic.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Gesundheist”.

Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

I fell in love in fifth grade

We laughed together.

We cried together.

We hugged.

We kissed.

I lost my teaching license and now face criminal charges.

I took some pictures of a cop involved in criminal activity and brought them to the Washington Post.

Yes, Post. This officer right here.

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I had a rough upbringing and all I know is crime, my latest job was a Viagra heist at the local pharmacy.

I'm a hardened criminal

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

A father has been a criminal-

\-and has been avoiding the police. One day, he talks to his son, Michael.

Father:Listen, if people are looking for me, tell them I'm not here, if they ask where I went or when I'll come back, tell them you don't know.



Michael:Yes, father.



A few hours later, Mich...

Heights of grandiose delusions!

Two criminals (fighting to save their careers) - one dumb and impeached, another indicted - revealing a Middle East “Peace” plan!!

Hi, I'm black, and I hate it when people assume we're all criminals.

-Sent from your iPhone

Criminals who work in groups should be proud of themselves.

They’ve accompliced a lot.

What do you call an organized criminal in hot water?

Mobster bisque

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

What do infantile criminals fear the most?

The Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

How do you know when your lawyer is a criminal?

When your lawyer has a lawyer.

Why was the Italian criminal so hard to catch?

Because he was a master impasta

What type of criminal doesn't like breakfast?

A cereal killer.

Did 'ja hear the one about the criminal painter?

he was framed

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

What do computer criminals like to eat?

Cheese and Hackers.

(My 7-year old son came up with that one, so go easy :)

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A shipment of Viagra was hijacked on its way to the depot.

The police are warning citizens to be on the look out for a gang of hardened criminals.

What did the cop say to the criminal salad?

Lettuce see your hands! You have the right to romaine silent.

What did the criminal chemist say as he was escaping from a police officer?

Cu later Copper!

What do you call a ship with a criminal record?

A thugboat.

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

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Criminal organizations tend to be very environmentally conscious.

Considering how quick they'd bust a cap in yo ass.
How much they deal.
It means they've successfully implemented Cap and Trade.

I was being chased by a criminal but thankfully I had some strawberry spread

I was able to jam the door shut

You're walking alone on a street when a person slaps you with a silk glove and runs away. As you watch them run, 2 cops are chasing them. Michael Jackson was right...

You've been hit by, you've been stuck by, a smooth criminal.

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.

He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....

What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?

They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.

How does Italy execute its criminals?

Guidotine

I’m proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I’m just working on the lawyer part right now.

Why did the judge take the criminal to the movies?

So he could get him to ‘Admit One’

A police van carrying 12 convicts crashed into a cement mixer

Police are now looking for a dozen hardened criminals

What did the executioner do when the criminal tried to give him a high five?

Left him hanging!

Did you hear about the lawyer that got lost on a camping trip with one of his clients?

He was found with criminal in-tent.

A British tourist visits Australia. The customs officer asks him “do you have any criminal history?”

The tourist replies, “I didn’t know that was still required!”

What do you call a camping convict?

Criminal intent.

If we isolated all the worlds criminals on an island for a hundred years what would they say if we met them again

G'day mate

A death row criminal was strapped onto the electric chair waiting for his execution

Executioner: Any last request?

Criminal: I just want to see one last clickbait article.

Executioner: What happens next will shock you.

Did you hear what happened to the criminal who walked too close to the edge of the hole?

He felon.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

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Why is Hitler better than Epstein?

In a herioc last act, Hitler killed one of the biggest criminals of his time.

Amazon’s facial recognition matched 28 members of Congress to criminal mugshots

Now they just have to fine tune it a bit to pick up the other five hundred and seven.

Did you hear about the young bird criminal mastermind?

They call him Artemis Fowl.

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"

What do you call an urban area in France with a low average income and high rates of criminality?

A baghuetto

This criminal invaded my house and turned my phone book upside down without me realising.

Instead of the cops there's some angry guy with a pitchfork on my doorstep.

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

Criminal Justice is a lot like racial humor.

It’s the dark ones that get in trouble.

What do you call a deceitful little criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow?

A leprechaun artist!

I asked a criminal what he thought about the gallows?

He said,

"No noose is good noose."

A rabbi worked the criminal underground had to go on the run after a circumcision..

He would've been caught if he hadn't gotten that tip off.

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