UPJOKE
lawfelonytheftguiltymurderfelonprisonpolicewrongoutlawillegalcrimethiefthuggangster

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

Two criminals stole a calendar

They got six months each

A known criminal walks into a restaurant

A known criminal walks into a restaurant on a cold Sunday morning.
The owner immediately calls the cops on the criminal.
While he is being dragged out by the cops he asks the owner "is this how you treat your customers, are cops the only thing on the menu"

The owner replied with just ...

What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs?

A condescending con descending.

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was called to the witness stand for a criminal case

I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
The attorney asked what I saw on the 5th of april at 2:23 AM, I told her I'd like to fuck her in the ass.

Two sharp criminals just vandalized your home!

Luckily, the damage looks to B Minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

When the government criminalized canned meat...

People were reported for spam

I drew a criminal the other day.

He looked pretty sketchy.

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

Did you hear about the criminal who stole a lamp?

He got a very light sentence.

The CIA, the FBI, and the LAPD are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The Spanish Inquisition return with a rabbit that's converted to Christianity and is a foot taller than it was before.

Were you not expecting that? Nobody was.

Not every member of Al Capone's family had a criminal career..

His brother Mas sold cheese .

There’s a criminal on the loose in the State of Quantum.

Wanted dead and alive.

Why don’t dangerous criminals ever take photos of themselves?

Because they pose a threat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude...

What does the italian police do with a criminal pig?

prosecutto

I once saw a dwarf of a criminal climb down the prison wall using a ladder

And i thought to myself ‘oh thats a little CONdescending

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

What do you call a letter sent by a criminal

Context

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face.

I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.


“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”


“I was in prison,” he answered. “You sh...

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.

A man is deciding whether to become a novelist or a career criminal

You could say he's weighing the prose and cons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Short) Dirty Joke

Police have issued a city-wide statement:

"Approximately an hour ago two thieves ran off with multiple pounds of Viagra"

They say to keep an eye out for two hardened criminals...

Let me tell you a little story about a criminal.

So in Thailand there was a gangster named "Mr. Phoon.", and one day he was passing through a small village that was home to a man he had had "taken care of", when the man had tried to interfere with the flow of Mr. Phoon's drugs into the town.

Now it was a stormy day, and some of the famil...

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

When two criminals get surgically attached

They are con fused

Criminal suspect identification.

Police detective: 'What can you remember about your mugger?'

Victim: 'He was slim built, with dark hair and wore a cap.'

Police detective: 'Anything else you remember?'

Victim: 'He had a moustache, about 6 foot 2.'

Police detective: That's one hell of a moustache

Why is it so hard to talk to rich criminals?

Because they never finish their sentences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

What do criminals and motivational posters have in common?

Life sentences.

Have you heard of Alan Walker’s criminal brother?

Jay Walker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two criminals break into a drugstore and steal all the Viagra. The store owners call the police and they put out an alert.

An officer in the vicinity turns to his partner and says “Alright, we’re looking for two hardened criminals”

What do you call a hardened criminal from Crete?

Con-crete

Why was the overweight kid proud of his family's criminal history?

He kept being told stories of how his grandfather and father were both big men and everyone knew they were well hung.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of drugs do criminals smuggle through airport security?

Ass crack

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

The thirsty criminal

My grandpa told me this gem of a joke. Here it goes...

A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desper...

The programmer detective

After weeks of hard work, the programmer detective had narrowed the criminal down to two suspects.

He just needed a bit more information.

I wanted an Australian Visa. They asked if I had a criminal record?

Two little Boys is that good enough?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three criminals rob a bank and make their getaway,

They are pursued by the police all the way to the countryside. The three criminals speed into a farm where they split up to hide. The police are close behind them.

The first criminal hides in the pigpen. The police go inside the pen where they hear the sound of something moving. "Oink Oink." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

An organic bakery advertises that they hire the best people for the job, regardless of criminal history...

I think they should have thought about their name alittle more at Dave's Killer Bread.

A criminal is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asks whether he has a last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

How does a criminal prosecutor fix a half-baked closing statement?

She puts it into a conviction oven.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

What do hookers and criminals have in common

They’ve both been in hand cuffs

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

A boxing match is about to start..

A boxing match is about to start.

An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.

Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.

Gotta weigh the pros and cons

Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

A criminal is arrested and sent to jail [LONG]

The criminal had robbed a bank, but refused to tell the police where he stashed the money! Eventually, they give up trying to find it and just throw him in jail.

He gets letters from his wife and writes back, one day she writes; "It's a shame you're locked away. My back has been killing me, b...

If being cool was illegal I'd be a criminal

not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife

I might be a criminal

Because I'm having a cardiac arreghj

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend once said, "If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."

Now he's behind bars.

A joke I thought up while dreaming last night: Why do criminals hate coins?

Because half of them are coppers.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

I grew up listening to music that demeaned women, glorified violence and normalized criminal behavior. I know it definitely influenced the culture around me.

Thankfully, I stopped listening to country music and found hip hop.

Hi, I'm black, and I can't stand it when people assume we're all criminals

-Sent from your iPhone.

What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending!


(This has been my favorite joke for years, so I thought I’d share! :) Pretty sure I originally saw if from a tumblr post, it’s not my original joke)

After extensive investigations and many phone calls, the police found that, despite the fact that I’m black, I’ve got a good job, no criminal record and I own the BMW I was driving.

So they arrested me for wasting police time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A criminal organization is planning an art heist (OC)

The boss says: "Tuesday's the day we steal the painting. There are two possibilities for how it's going to go down, and we won't know which plan we'll need to use until the day of the heist. I'll be wearing one of these two hats..."

He shows everyone two hats, one red and one yellow-green....

Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown.

As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny!"

Watching Puss n Boots: You know if I were a criminal i dont think i could trust and egg for a partner...

They would crack to easy if the got caught!

What does Canada do with all their hardened and dangerous criminals?

They give them hockey jerseys and call them our National Hockey Team

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

What do you call a prison escapee that is hiding in a camping shelter?

Criminal in tent.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

What did the police officer say to the criminal who could not sleep?

"Stop resisting a rest!"

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

What did the prison guard give to the criminal?

Pimple cream so he won’t break out.

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

10 is a criminal Mastermind.

It was in the middle of 9/11.

A Car full of bank robbers has crashed into a cement truck yesterday while evading police …

The police are now searching for hardened criminals.

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

A criminal finally escaped from jail,

He ran onto the streets and shouted, ‘I’M FREE, I’M FREE!’
A young girl came up to him, poked him on the shoulder and said, ‘So what? I’m four!’

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

I’m trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

Did you hear about the criminal who pickpocketed the dwarf?

How could they stoop so low?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do innie belly buttons make such bad criminals?

Because they can't stop attracting the fuzz

What’s the difference between Batman and a criminal?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

What’s a criminal rappers least favorite, and favorite thing?

Bars

Criminals are getting sneakier these days.

Last night I was woken up by my wife, who said "there's someone downstairs". So I went down to check, and five minutes later it hit me... I haven't got a wife. So I ran back upstairs and it was too late, the bed had gone.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.