[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A man arrives in a gulag and his fellow prisoners ask how long he's in for, and what crime he committed. He says 'I'm in here for 25 years, but I'm completely innocent'.

The prisoners say 'Don't lie to us! Everyone knows the innocent get 5 years!'

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

Crimes in elevators

Are wrong on so many different levels

Did you guys hear about the Jussie Smollett hate crime?

Fake Noose

I reduced the crime rate by 52%.

But it cost 13%...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Batman eventually resort to fighting crime with?

A 12 year old Dick.

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off h...

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

A crime scene investigation takes place in a train yard.

A body lies severed across the tracks.

Inspector: "Do we have a motive?"

Officer: "Loco."

What do you call a crime lord horse?

Al Capony

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends "partner in crime"

Like we get it bro, she's under-age

A kid was talking to his dad because he was considering a job in organized crime.

The dad replied with "government or private sector"

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

Three women commit a crime.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthq...

What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment.

I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] Two police officers are talking about what they think was the most expensive crime/robbery in history.

The first officer talks for a few minutes about a bank robber who stole millions of dollars, and had over 50 heists, which he did single handedly, and has still never been caught to this day.

The second officer however, has a much more interesting tale.

“His name was Jack “Richy” Brigg...

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

Everything south of the border is a sea of violence and crime.

Luckly, I live in Greenland.

I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?

Founding Father.

What type of crime do monks commit?

Premeditated murder

Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a ...

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese crime scene?

An assasinasian.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If sexual innuendo becomes a crime,

How many people will go down?

I shouldn't have committed crime in UK

Life is upside down now

What do you call a short psychic on a crime spree?

A small medium at large.

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes...

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes, one of the officers ask him,” Do you have any last wishes?” The murderer replies,” Yes, actually can I get a high five?” The police officer is confused but agrees, he then asks the murderer why he wanted such a weird last wish, the murder then replies,” I j...

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime'

His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'

What do you call Aquaman fighting crime in Antartica?

Justice

A detective walks away from a crime scene "another cold blooded murderer"

"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

why can't you solve a redneck crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

If you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times...

Because sin90 = cot45.

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

Crime in multi-storey car parks?

Thats wrong on so many different levels.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?

Criptonite.

What do you call an Italian neighborhood full of crime, tomato sauce, prostitution and meatballs?

The spaghetto

I committed a crime while costumed like a Ginger to distract the cops

It was a real Red Hairing

What do you call an islamic crime syndicate?

A gang bang

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

1 in 20 people have been a victim of crime.

Which means 19 out of 20 people are criminals.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

​

My Duck Detective is one step away from solving a crime.

He said he almost quacked the case.

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime

And crime is for black people.

How does Clark Kent’s mom stop him from fighting crime all night?

She makes him sleep in his crib-tonight.

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

A blind man is arrested for a crime he insists he could not have committed, as he was busy reading at the time.

He has been released on braille.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, ...

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

What crime did the Energiser Bunny commit?

Battery

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

I was just reading about a guy who was arrested for a hate crime in the U.K. for suggesting that people with fare skin complexions are responsible for the degeneration of society.

That's a little beyond the pale.

What do you call a cholo investigating a crime scene?

Sherlock homes foo.

I'm reading a crime novel about a dwarf psychic on the run from the police

It's called: Small Medium at Large

A man reports a crime...

Operator: Sir, what seems to be the problem?

Man: Someone broke into my house, spilled all of my milk, and stole all of my favorite cereal! You know, the original multigrain cereal that has been slightly sweetened.

Operator: Stop your crying...that's just Life.

Did you hear that sodium chloride is now a crime?

They consider it a salt.

Why is cannabis sometimes called Arabian Crime?

It gets you stoned

Crime in elevators is disgusting and a huge problem for society

It's just wrong on so many levels

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LPT: If you've been convicted of a sex crime, change your name to offender.dll

Then no one will be able to find you in the registry.

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