"Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride into enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know its a salt but, is it a crime?

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene

11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken

Who do you call when there's a crime happening in Indiana?

The Indanapolis

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

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If being sexy is a crime.......

Then I'm a law abiding citizen

A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?

There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...

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If being sexy was a crime

I’d be in jail for tax fraud

You all have heard about Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime.

But have you heard about his father who was Joking.

[NSFW] Superman had a hard week fighting crime and was ready for some fun.

He was flying home when he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the beach. "Wow", he said to himself, "I can fly down there at the speed of light and get a quickie before she knows what happened"
So Superman flew down, took advantage and then was gone.

"What the hell was that" asked Won...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

What do you call a retirement community for crime-fighting arboreal rodentia?

Squirrelock Homes

(wait for it)

My friends confused the way I speak with the money I pay for my minor crimes

But anyway, syntax is sin tax

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If having a big dick was a crime

I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.

The police were called to a crime scene.

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

A duck does a crime

A duck was found guilty to the charges of carrying illegal drugs such cocaine, but the police questioned him to find out who he bought them from

The police bring in an officer to see if he can get him to confess: “hey, we will make sure you get off scott free if you tell us who sold you these...

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

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If being handsome was a crime I'd get a life sentence.

Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

What crime was the Energiser Bunny guilty of?

Battery

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

Someone broke into my house and stole my toilet.

Local police investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.

I was defending myself after a crime spree by explaining that I had hypothermia and turned into a superconductor.

I couldn't resist.

What do you say to a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?

Urine trouble

Reasons to Avoid Water

* Can be extracte from rocket fuel
* Is the main ingredient in pestisides
* 100% of violent criminals have consumed water in the hours leading up to their crimes
* Is the #1 cause of drowning
* Excess consumption will cause sweating, urination and possibly death
* 100% of people expos...

I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.

Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

Did you hear about the hate crime in NASCAR the other day?

Turns out, it was just some fake noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If being sexy was a crime I’d be serving a life sentence...

... for man slaughter

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

If being hot was a crime

i'd be a clean man

What is a Pirate’s favorite crime to commit?

ARR-son!

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

Lex Luthor invents a device that affects Superman's hearing

This way his crime-fighting abilities would be severely limited.

One Metropolis resident anxiously screams: "Help, Superman! They're robbing a bank!"

"Who's stopping a prank?", replies Superman, confused.

Another one begs: "Please help, Superman! Someone stole my car!"

"T...

A 911 operator gets a call.

"911 what's your emergency?" the operator asks.

"I'm smoking." replied a middle-aged woman.

"Sorry, ma'am but you shouldn't be calling 911. Please contact an expert if you need help." The operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

"911, what's your emergency?" t...

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

What do you call an Australian visiting England on vacation?

Returning to the scene of the crime.

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

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I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

Did you guys hear that Rick Astley committed a crime that got him on death row?

He’s going to be XcQted.

Sherlock and Watson were investigating a home robbery.

They were going around the house looking for any clues or fingerprints. They were also going off tips from people who witnessed the crime. "One of the people said the guy was in here for a good fifteen or so minutes" said Watson.

"Fifteen minutes? What was he doing here for that long?" Sherlo...

If there is one crime anti-maskers are guilty of...

It's Karen too much.

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If being Smart and Sexy was a crime

I’d be on America’s Most wanted, not because I’m smart or sexy, but because I’ve committed various war crimes in Vietnam.


(This was probably done before.)

You can shoot people with mayonnaise, but not other condiments

Your crimes will then ketchup to you.

As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

As it turns out identity theft is a crime

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.

The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.

The second man was brought forth...

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh...

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the gates and Saint Peter said to him:

"Alright bud, you're only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don't you tell me about how you d...

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

Why was a group of lemurs framed for organized crime within seconds?

They were a conspiracy.

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocke...

A guy has been charged with a crime.

It was selling a potion that makes the person that drinks it immortal, upon inspecting his file, they found him charged with the same crime in 2012, 1980, 1897 and 1769.

Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?

Because they’re one big, happy family.

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I’m a cop.

An overweight criminal takes a lie detector test to prove his innocence.

This is the cops' last chance to prove his guilt.

They hook him up to the detector and tell him, "First we will ask you an obvious question and you must lie. If the machine registers your lie we will ask you about the crime and you will go to jail. If it does not you are free to leave."
...

If being spineless is a crime, sue me!

I think, I'll just plead guilty.

*On a serious note, I'll probably beg you to withdraw charges.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

What do you call a mediocre member of organized crime?

A mafiososo.

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

The 3 men (Joke told by professor)

Sometime during the middle ages, one day - an engineer, a priest, and a farmer were being executed by the guillotine due to their crimes they commit against the village

the engineer was punished because he was rigging his builds and selling it blindly to people to make extra money by offering...

My wifes a cop and I’m thinking about committing a crime

Cause she hasn’t came for me in years

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a rough upbringing and all I know is crime, my latest job was a Viagra heist at the local pharmacy.

I'm a hardened criminal

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

Want to hear a crime scene joke?

Well move along, there's nothing to see here.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small town Sheriff catches a rapist and con man.

While thrilled that he finally caught the two, he wasn't sure what to do with them as the town jail in need of repairs and he didn't have staff to watch them.

He got the idea of letting the townspeople teach them a lesson and to raise money at the same time.

The next day, he tied the...

I hate crime in multistory parking lots.

It's wrong on so many different levels.

Thank you, true crime show,

for saying that
was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your
Camera person didn't stop that murder.

If you want to commit a crime, steal something from someone on a wheelchair

What are they gonna do, Run after you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judge to CEO "Why did you have sex with your employees in your office? It is a crime"

CEO: In my defense, it was Christmas time.

Judge: So?

CEO:They barged into my office, angry and frustrated, demandi....

Judge: Demanding what?

CEO: Bone us.

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river and screams for help. Two police officers are standing nearby, but they are just ignoring him. The man does not know, what to do, and so with his last attempt, shouts: "The president is an idiot!". Immediately after the police officers heard this, they pull...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

An Italian guy cracking a joke

Q: Why Russia is-a not safe?





A: Because of crime-a

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

Stealing a news van is the perfect crime.

How will they ever report it?

I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

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