UPJOKE
criminal lawtheftlawmurderfelonyfraudmisdemeanourvictimless crimecybercrimerobberybarratryhomicidepolicecountrygovernment

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

What turns making fun of a ginger into a hate crime?

Dyslexia

Why is suicide a crime?

Destruction of government property...

what is the crime when someone kills their friend?

Homieside

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

They say Donald Trump was charged with crimes that would have been ignored if someone else had committed them

I guess orange really is the new black.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

Crime does not pay…

as well as politics.

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

I should steal a news van. It's the perfect crime.

How are they gonna report it?

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

I went to a costume party where crime was the theme

The host looked at my crow costume with a disappointed frown.

“I thought I told everyone to dress like a crime!” He said, gesturing at his blood soaked butcher’s apron, and severed human hand.

“I get yours, manslaughter! But I did indeed wear an appropriate costume. Now watch this; ‘C...

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If having a big dick was a crime

I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.

The Mafia have decided to get into online crime to keep upto date.

They have just launched a new App called Pay-Up-Pal.

A Train Goes on a Crime Spree

A train goes on a crime spree. When he was finally caught he was asked why he did what he did. "I don't know, I think I went crazy, guess you could say I had loco motives...

Where do coins get committed after a crime?

The pennytentiary

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns

At least become a cop first so you get paid

Recently I was fingered for a crime

which seems like a weird punishment

If Peter Parker were to retire from crime fighting…

He could always go into web design.

Crime in multi-storey car parks

Is wrong on so many levels

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Passed a crime scene today…

…some jerk was taking a nap right in the middle of everything.

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The head of an organized crime syndicate realized his accountant had been skimming money from him for years.

Unfortunately the accountant only spoke Russian. So the boss hired a Russian interpreter and busted into the accountant’s home.

He tells to the interpreter, “tell him I want to know where my money is, AND I WANT TO KNOW RIGHT NOW!!” The interpreter conveys the message in Russian and the acco...

Back in the day, excessive use of commas was considered a very serious crime.

It usually resulted in a long sentence.

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.

The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
...

Why do political parties hate organised crime?

They don't like voter competition.

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

Why is it so hard to solve crimes in Alabama?

Because the DNA always matches and the dental records don’t exist

A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison for some crimes that he'd committed.

The 20 years were just about to come to an end when the man falls sick. On his last day he unfortunately ends up in a coma due to the mental distress from living in prison for so long.

As he is being admitted to the hospital, the warden runs towards him and extends his sentence to another 20 ...

The most victimless crime is murder

There is a victim less when your done

What happens if you commit a crime in Australia?

Oh please, they're a modern country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.

What is the difference between the government and organized crime?

Only one of them is organized.

What drove the train to commit crimes in Mexico?

Loco motives!

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What happens when a battery commits a crime?

They get charged

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Why don't porn stars get convicted of any crimes?

Because they can always get themselves off.

If you see a crime at an Apple store...

Does that make you an i-witness?

"sir this is the eleventh time you’ve been here for the same crime."

your honor, did i ever tell you the definition of insanity?

What crime was the redwood arrested for?

High TREEason...

I'll make like a tree, see my way out

A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter’s pistol.

Police suspect that the crime is race related.

What’s the worst crime a slime creature can commit?

Gelatany

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.

All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...

There's a detective who figures out crime by sitting on the toilet.

He solves cases by process of elimination.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

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The infamous crime mafia, known only as The Four Seasons, awaited their next job.

The boss stood before them.

"Winter," he began. "I need you to stay *cool* in the face of pressure. *Ice* in your veins," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Now, Summer," he continued. "If the *heat* becomes too much for Winter, use that *fiery* temper of yours to make sure the cops reme...

Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hearby sentence you to a decade in prison.

Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you reduce it?

Judge: Ok. You go to jail 10 years.

What crime do we commit on r/jokes?

Manslaughter

Why is manslaughter a crime?

Are men not allowed to laugh?

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

if you commit a crime 90 times,

if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
.
.
.
.
because sin90=cot45

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

A crime at the movie theater

A police detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just got done investigating a burglary at the local movie theater," the detective tells the bartender. "They lost almost $10,000." "That's horrible," the bartender says. "Did they get the cash register?" "No," the detective replies. "Just three...

How do you commit a hate crime against a European?

Make their food spicy

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

If batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...

... Because he brews wine.

(Sorry)

There’s no way Abraham Lincoln will be found guilty of any crime....

Because he’ll always be in a cent.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That’s Arkham’s Razor.

How do dwarves get away with crimes?

through forgery

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

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If being handsome was a crime I'd get a life sentence.

Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.

Did you hear about the hate crime in NASCAR the other day?

Turns out, it was just some fake noose.

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

What do you call an ant that fights crime?

A vigilante.

I asked the grammar police about a crime in the capital...

They told me that case was sensitive.

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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What did Watson say to Sherlock Holmes when they found an empty diaper at the crime scene?

No shit Sherlock

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

A cops calls for backup from a crime scene

This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir, the floor is still wet.

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If being sexy was a crime

I’d probably make bail

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(Slightly NSFW) The crime rate in medieval times

A renowned knight, known for the way he stands when he ejaculates, defended the kingdom so well, crime fell to the lowest levels ever heard. Some say this occurrence was random, others say it was the product of Sir Cum Stance.

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

What happens if someone sees a magic crime?

They enter the Witches' Protection Program

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Sherlock Holmes arrives at a crime scene, and immediately bends down to pick up a button on the floor.

“Hmm…” Sherlock ponders, “I deduce that the individual this button belongs to is 6’ 1”, was born in January, and has a fascination with blueberry muffins.”

Watson was completely confused by his partner’s deduction.

“How could you possibly get all that from just a button?”

“Eleme...

Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scen

Detective 2: that adds up

It is a crime to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.

You might be charged with Vehicular Man’s Laughter.

What is coffee's least favorite crime?

Muggings

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If being sexy is a crime ,

Then I am a law abiding citizen .

A robot went on a crime spree in our neighbourhood right before it ran out of battery.

The cops are refusing to charge the perpetrator.

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

"Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?"

"Yes, that's assault."

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

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I'm not racist. Racism is a crime

And crime is for black people.

That pro-crime culture is getting ridiculous!

My little brother's teacher asked "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?". He answered "John Wilkes Booth", and the next recess, his locker had "STOP SNITCHING" painted on it.

You all have heard about Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime.

But have you heard about his father who was Joking.

The police were called to a crime scene.

They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.

She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"

Cop "How many times did you hit him?

Wife " I don't remember. Put me down for a six"

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

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If being sexy was a crime,

I’d be arrested.

Then released for lack of evidence..

[NSFW] Superman had a hard week fighting crime and was ready for some fun.

He was flying home when he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the beach. "Wow", he said to himself, "I can fly down there at the speed of light and get a quickie before she knows what happened"
So Superman flew down, took advantage and then was gone.

"What the hell was that" asked Won...

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

The local police chief always said "It could be worse."

Every time there was a crime, no matter how terrible, he would hear the details from his officers and say "It could be worse."

One day, police were called to a beautiful house on a quiet street that belonged to a wealthy local businessman and his wife, the Dunwoodys. When they arrived, they f...

What do you call a retirement community for crime-fighting arboreal rodentia?

Squirrelock Homes

(wait for it)

Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then pin it on another person?

Because he'd have to get a buddy of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

What do you say to a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?

Urine trouble

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

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If being sexy was a crime I’d be serving a life sentence...

... for man slaughter

What do you call a mediocre member of organized crime?

A mafiososo.

A duck does a crime

A duck was found guilty to the charges of carrying illegal drugs such cocaine, but the police questioned him to find out who he bought them from

The police bring in an officer to see if he can get him to confess: “hey, we will make sure you get off scott free if you tell us who sold you these...

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

What crime was the Energiser Bunny guilty of?

Battery

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If sexual innuendo becomes a crime,

How many people will go down?

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

Crime doesn’t pay.

But the hours are great.

I was defending myself after a crime spree by explaining that I had hypothermia and turned into a superconductor.

I couldn't resist.

Did you guys hear that Rick Astley committed a crime that got him on death row?

He’s going to be XcQted.

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

If being hot was a crime

i'd be a clean man

If you want to commit a crime, steal something from someone on a wheelchair

What are they gonna do, Run after you?

So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

If there is one crime anti-maskers are guilty of...

It's Karen too much.

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If being Smart and Sexy was a crime

I’d be on America’s Most wanted, not because I’m smart or sexy, but because I’ve committed various war crimes in Vietnam.


(This was probably done before.)

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

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