[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Did you guys hear about the Jussie Smollett hate crime?

Fake Noose

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off h...

Our president promised to eradicate crime in, what i heard, was 3 to 6 months, during his campaign period. So it will be resolved in 27 years & 2 months?

326 months, he said.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

A kid was talking to his dad because he was considering a job in organized crime.

The dad replied with "government or private sector"

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

I hate it when guys call their girlfriends "partner in crime"

Like we get it bro, she's under-age

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment.

I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] Two police officers are talking about what they think was the most expensive crime/robbery in history.

The first officer talks for a few minutes about a bank robber who stole millions of dollars, and had over 50 heists, which he did single handedly, and has still never been caught to this day.

The second officer however, has a much more interesting tale.

“His name was Jack “Richy” Brigg...

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

Three women commit a crime.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthq...

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Japanese crime scene?

An assasinasian.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

What type of crime do monks commit?

Premeditated murder

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?

Founding Father.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a ...

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

What kind of crime is it to steal a cat?

Petty theft.

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

I shouldn't have committed crime in UK

Life is upside down now

What do you call a short psychic on a crime spree?

A small medium at large.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If sexual innuendo becomes a crime,

How many people will go down?

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes...

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes, one of the officers ask him,” Do you have any last wishes?” The murderer replies,” Yes, actually can I get a high five?” The police officer is confused but agrees, he then asks the murderer why he wanted such a weird last wish, the murder then replies,” I j...

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

A detective walks away from a crime scene "another cold blooded murderer"

"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"

What do you call Aquaman fighting crime in Antartica?

Justice

A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime'

His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

why can't you solve a redneck crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

Crime in multi-storey car parks?

Thats wrong on so many different levels.

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

If you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times...

Because sin90 = cot45.

What substance is just as effective against crime stoppers as it is against criminals?

Criptonite.

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

​

I committed a crime while costumed like a Ginger to distract the cops

It was a real Red Hairing

What do you call an Italian neighborhood full of crime, tomato sauce, prostitution and meatballs?

The spaghetto

What do you call an islamic crime syndicate?

A gang bang

What did John do when the dog ate his crime novel?

He stole the words right out of its mouth

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm not racist. Racism is a crime

And crime is for black people.

A blind man is arrested for a crime he insists he could not have committed, as he was busy reading at the time.

He has been released on braille.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

A terrorist struck a local farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's prized steer, blowing it to smithereens, but apparently committing no other mischief. The crime scene investigator had these words at the press conference...

"Abominable. Simply abominable."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why weren't the Nazi canine units executed for war crimes?

They were just following odors.

What do you call a cholo investigating a crime scene?

Sherlock homes foo.

1 in 20 people have been a victim of crime.

Which means 19 out of 20 people are criminals.

Congress announced today they would be removing all crime lab budgets from the state of Alabama

Because crimes can’t be solved there since everyone has the same DNA and there are no dental records.

We already know Roy Moore's positions on crime and immigration. But, what about his position on children?

Missionary, mostly.

I was just reading about a guy who was arrested for a hate crime in the U.K. for suggesting that people with fare skin complexions are responsible for the degeneration of society.

That's a little beyond the pale.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

One time, a detective solved a crime by shattering his cellphone cover

I guess you could say he really cracked the case.

Why was the mime arrested?

He committed an unspeakable crime

What crime did the Energiser Bunny commit?

Battery

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

A man reports a crime...

Operator: Sir, what seems to be the problem?

Man: Someone broke into my house, spilled all of my milk, and stole all of my favorite cereal! You know, the original multigrain cereal that has been slightly sweetened.

Operator: Stop your crying...that's just Life.

Crime in elevators is disgusting and a huge problem for society

It's just wrong on so many levels

Did you hear that sodium chloride is now a crime?

They consider it a salt.

I'm reading a crime novel about a dwarf psychic on the run from the police

It's called: Small Medium at Large

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LPT: If you've been convicted of a sex crime, change your name to offender.dll

Then no one will be able to find you in the registry.

Robert Mueller has uncovered that Donald Trump dropped Quaaludes with the entire USSR hockey team prior to their stunning defeat to the US at the 1980 Olympics "Miracle on Ice" in Lake Placid, NY. So what's the crime in that?

He quaalluded with the Russians

In the far future, after all governments have unified, a rich man will be convicted of a crime, making him hated among the people and causing his assets to be frozen

So he was basically discredited.

Why is cannabis sometimes called Arabian Crime?

It gets you stoned

TIL Arthur Conan Doyle wrote a series of short stories about crimes committed by landscapers

He collectively referred to them as *Holmes and Gardens*.

A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her

Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.

If a deaf man goes to court for a crime...

Is it still a hearing?

Crime And Violence

When I think about it, we are the ones to blame for all the crime and violence we have today, after all, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to get changed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and t...

Did you hear the news? Turtle crime is on the rise...

It's true. Just last night a group of turtles snuck up and mugged a snail in the park. A team of detectives interviewed the snail for details on the event. They asked, "So what happened?" The snail answered, "I don't know, it all just happened so fast."