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If being sexy is a crime ,

Then I am a law abiding citizen .

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

What’s one of the worst crimes a cow can commit?

Moolestation

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

An unborn child was charged with a crime it didn't commit and sentenced to death

Both sides argued it was a miscarriage of justice.

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Officers were investigating a crime that took place at a porn studio.

Finding evidence of the perpetrators, One officer said to the other, "They definitely came in here."

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What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man...

...my super power would be foiling crime.

My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

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If being sexy was a crime...

I'd have a clean slate.

Did you guys hear about the Jussie Smollett hate crime?

Fake Noose

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

When does joker not plot crimes?

When he's riding his Harley

Crime in multi-storey car parks

It’s wrong on so many levels

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

A blind cop walks up to a crowd of civilians around a crime scene.

“Move it along everyone, nothing to see here.”

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

What crime carries the punishment in itself?

Polygamy.

If not using periods was a crime...

would it result in long sentences?

A man arrives in a gulag and his fellow prisoners ask how long he's in for, and what crime he committed. He says 'I'm in here for 25 years, but I'm completely innocent'.

The prisoners say 'Don't lie to us! Everyone knows the innocent get 5 years!'

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off h...

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

Our president promised to eradicate crime in, what i heard, was 3 to 6 months, during his campaign period. So it will be resolved in 27 years & 2 months?

326 months, he said.

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

I prevented several horrible crimes today.

Good old self-control.

What do you call a malted milk ball that fights crime?

Whopper texas ranger.

What do you call an alligator that solves crimes and day trades on the side?

An Investigator

A kid was talking to his dad because he was considering a job in organized crime.

The dad replied with "government or private sector"

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What did Batman eventually resort to fighting crime with?

A 12 year old Dick.

What do you call a poor area with high crime rates in Italy?

A sphagetto.

Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?

Owlcatraz

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

Three women commit a crime.

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthq...

I am extremely proud of my son who chose a career in organised crime

He became the prime minister of the country

What part of Italy has the highest crime rate,

The spaghetto

Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment.

I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

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Robert Johnson, a CEO for a large corporation, is arrested and sentenced to 25 years in prison for white collar crimes.

On his first day behind bars, Robert nervously walks into the Chow Hall at lunch time and starts taking in the scenery. Realizing that he’s going to spend the next 25 years surrounded by murderers, rapists, and other violent criminals, he uncomfortably gets his tray of food and starts looking for a ...

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

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What do you call a Japanese crime scene?

An assasinasian.

How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?

Founding Father.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

What type of crime do monks commit?

Premeditated murder

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

I'm hiring a group of time travellers to come on an epic mission to fight crime across the 4th dimension.

If you're interested, interview was yesterday

Everything south of the border is a sea of violence and crime.

Luckly, I live in Greenland.

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime'

His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes...

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes, one of the officers ask him,” Do you have any last wishes?” The murderer replies,” Yes, actually can I get a high five?” The police officer is confused but agrees, he then asks the murderer why he wanted such a weird last wish, the murder then replies,” I j...

why can't you solve a redneck crime

because there are no dental records and all the DNA is the same

There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

The perfect crime was committed last night,

when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets.
Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on
– Ronnie Corbett

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If sexual innuendo becomes a crime,

How many people will go down?

What do you call Aquaman fighting crime in Antartica?

Justice

If you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times...

Because sin90 = cot45.

A detective walks away from a crime scene "another cold blooded murderer"

"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

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Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men.

There is a three year waiting list.

Jerusalem has a lot of petty crime. Thieves will steal anything not nailed down.

...which is why they even had to nail down Jesus.

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

A policeman arrives at the crime scene

"Now, Madam, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"

"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegan."

"How do you know that?"

"He told me as he was running off."

What do you call an Italian neighborhood full of crime, tomato sauce, prostitution and meatballs?

The spaghetto

Why is there so little crime in Germany?

Because crime is illegal.

Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist who was accused of a crime?

They got off on a technicality.

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