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If having a big dick was a crime

I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

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if having a huge penis was a crime...

...I would be a law abiding citizen

A guy has been charged with a crime.

It was selling a potion that makes the person that drinks it immortal, upon inspecting his file, they found him charged with the same crime in 2012, 1980, 1897 and 1769.

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I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?

Because they’re one big, happy family.

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

Judge, is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone's eyes?

"Yes that's assault"

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

What crime is most prevalent among tennis players?

Racketeering

Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.

The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.

The second man was brought forth...

My wifes a cop and I’m thinking about committing a crime

Cause she hasn’t came for me in years

A Bus conductor once commited a very brutal crime and was sentenced to be electrocuted but he survived the electrocution even after multiple unsuccessful attempts

Because he was a bad conductor

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Judge to CEO "Why did you have sex with your employees in your office? It is a crime"

CEO: In my defense, it was Christmas time.

Judge: So?

CEO:They barged into my office, angry and frustrated, demandi....

Judge: Demanding what?

CEO: Bone us.

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

If being spineless is a crime, sue me!

I think, I'll just plead guilty.

*On a serious note, I'll probably beg you to withdraw charges.*

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I had a rough upbringing and all I know is crime, my latest job was a Viagra heist at the local pharmacy.

I'm a hardened criminal

Stealing a news van is the perfect crime.

How will they ever report it?

Thank you, true crime show,

for saying that
was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your
Camera person didn't stop that murder.

I hate crime in multistory parking lots.

It's wrong on so many different levels.

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

What do you call a mediocre member of organized crime?

A mafiososo.

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

An art thief gets caught after a heist, how so?

Many people saw his Van Gogh from the scene of the crime.

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

What's the name of the Thai superhero that fights crime while dressed as currency?

Bahtman.

Or is it The Bahtman?

A man with a lisp was accused of a crime while he was camping

While being investigated, he told the officers that he wasn't guilty of the crime...
He was... In-a-tent.

I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?

At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

If being ugly is a crime

Then I’m getting the death sentence

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

A panda walks into a bar

He asks the bartender for a sandwich. Upon consuming it, he pulls out a pistol and shoots the bartender, then leave.

After a chase ensued the police begin to apprehend the panda. However, due to his size, they can't do it without the panda's co-operation, and every time the police try to rest...

Why doesn't superman fight cyber crime?

Because he's scared of krypto currency.

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

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A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoi...

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Most call forced sodomy a heinous crime.

I prefer to call it an anus crime

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

A punishment should always fit the crime.

If someone cuts in line, you cut their brake line.

I have found the perfect crime. I’m going to steal a news van...

They won’t be able to report it.

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Bloodhound tried for Nazi war crimes

He was only following odours.

What’s one of the worst crimes a cow can commit?

Moolestation

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

Cop: "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to thin...

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

What's the funniest crime?

Man's laughter.

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

The Transformer formerly known as RoboCop...

Stoptimus Crime

What do you call a Korean high school girl who fights crime in spare time?

Kimchi Possible, obviously

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

An American, a German, and a Chinese got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia

So for the terrible crime, they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:

“It is my first wife’s birthday today, and she would like to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”

The German was first in...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

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A criminal gets arrested. NSFW

After the arrest he is put into his usual cell. After entering the cell he greets everyone as he is familiar with all of them. After the greetings, he notices an unfamiliar guy sitting alone in the corner that he has never seen before.
"First time?" He asks. The stranger nods in agreement. "What ...

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What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

You know your dad is drunk when

He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms


He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm


The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles


When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal


When you as...

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Officers were investigating a crime that took place at a porn studio.

Finding evidence of the perpetrators, One officer said to the other, "They definitely came in here."

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

The Democrats are having trouble gaining traction for any of their candidates, so

They have asked Anthony Wiener to run for President and he would have Eric Holder as his VP.


They say it's the Wiener-Holder ticket. They will beat the competition, be hard on crime, and get a grip on the big issues.


They will get to meat of it all.

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

When does joker not plot crimes?

When he's riding his Harley

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

3 ducks get arrested and have to go before a judge

The judge calls on the first duck. “State your name and tell me why you were arrested.”

Duck 1: “my name is Quack and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the park”

The judge, a little annoyed, says, “That’s not a crime! You shouldn’t be here. You are free to go. Next!”

Duck 2 ...

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

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If being sexy was a crime...

I'd have a clean slate.

My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to get pregnant.

No one puts baby in a coroner.

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

Why do small guys tend to commit crime?

Its their only chance to be at large.

A blind cop walks up to a crowd of civilians around a crime scene.

“Move it along everyone, nothing to see here.”

A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime'

His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

A man arrives in a gulag and his fellow prisoners ask how long he's in for, and what crime he committed. He says 'I'm in here for 25 years, but I'm completely innocent'.

The prisoners say 'Don't lie to us! Everyone knows the innocent get 5 years!'

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

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