A policeman is told to write a report at a crime scene.

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the pawemant......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e

*The policeman kicks the body onto the street*

Policeman: the dead man was found lying on the street.

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

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If being handsome was a crime I'd get a life sentence.

Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.

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If having a big dick was a crime

I would be a felon. Not because I have a big dick, but because I ran over several children on purpose.

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If being sexy was a crime

I’d probably make bail

I went to the mall and you know those people that set up their little shops? Well, there is a dwarf in a little hut, and he tells fortunes. Come to find out he is a fugitive and wanted for some crimes.

I guess that makes him a small medium at large...

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If being sexy was a crime I’d be serving a life sentence...

... for man slaughter

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If having a big dick was a crime...

I'd be a law abiding citizen

Did you hear about the hate crime in NASCAR the other day?

Turns out, it was just some fake noose.

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An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree

He's wanted dead and alive

Why does organized crime have that common criminals don't?

A con-census.

If being beautiful was a crime...

I would be the last one standing.

So.. When Mr Freeze leaves a crime scene..

So... when Mr Freeze has left a crime scene, you know its his work because people are frozen/there are frozen objects around right?

I would go as far to say thats him leaving his "Cooling Card"

What is a Pirate’s favorite crime to commit?

ARR-son!

Why is it that when you commit crimes 90 times you will only get caught 45 times ?

Because sin 90 = cot 45

If there is one crime anti-maskers are guilty of...

It's Karen too much.

What do you call a short psychic that’s just committed a crime?

A small medium at large!

C’mon!

Judge, is it a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone's eyes?

"Yes that's assault"

"I know it's a salt but is it a crime?"

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If being Smart and Sexy was a crime

I’d be on America’s Most wanted, not because I’m smart or sexy, but because I’ve committed various war crimes in Vietnam.


(This was probably done before.)

What do you call an aquatic reptile that solves crimes?

An investi-gator.

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.

A cop fills him in on what happened.

“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he killed the train operator out of jealousy”

“Wow” says the detective, looking up at the train in question.

“That’s some locomotive”

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

A police station was about to be defunded because they could never solve a single crime.

The police chief in desperation hired a quality assurance officer to check what was wrong.

The QA officer proposed that if the chief’s detectives can solve all murders committed by him, then he w...

Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes doing autopsies.

Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying profession.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

So I was watching tv last night and saw a trailer for the new fantastic four movie. It looks like its going to focus on their kids and how they team up to fight crime.

Apparently its going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Kin"

Why was a group of lemurs framed for organized crime within seconds?

They were a conspiracy.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

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I heard that Gotye used to give oral sex to a police officer so he'd turn a blind eye to his crimes.

The officer eventually arrested him, despite this. Now he's just some Bobby that he used to blow.

Sometimes I go out and commit crimes

Just to feel wanted

A guy has been charged with a crime.

It was selling a potion that makes the person that drinks it immortal, upon inspecting his file, they found him charged with the same crime in 2012, 1980, 1897 and 1769.

Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?

Because they’re one big, happy family.

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

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Guy gets sent to prison for white-collar crime...

Guy gets sent to prison for white collar crime. It's his first sentence, so he decides to play it low key. His cellmate helpfully suggests if he has any questions he can just ask.

A month later, he says, "You know, I think I have the basic feel for the place, people to avoid, the guards...

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A rapist and conman get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners, so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can...

The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.

The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them to posts and sets up shop.

He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime, so anyone can pay $1 ...

What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?

Treeson

If being spineless is a crime, sue me!

I think, I'll just plead guilty.

*On a serious note, I'll probably beg you to withdraw charges.*

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

Three prisoners were sentenced to death for their crimes

Each of the three prisoners were brought up one at a time in front of the firing squad.

The first man was up and the captain began to shout " ready... aim...." and the prisoner yelled "Tornado!!!". Everyone ran for cover and the first prisoner got away.

The second man was brought forth...

A Bus conductor once commited a very brutal crime and was sentenced to be electrocuted but he survived the electrocution even after multiple unsuccessful attempts

Because he was a bad conductor

My wifes a cop and I’m thinking about committing a crime

Cause she hasn’t came for me in years

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I had a rough upbringing and all I know is crime, my latest job was a Viagra heist at the local pharmacy.

I'm a hardened criminal

I'm going to write a TV show about a detective living in Hawaii who uses mathematics to solve crimes in a circular fashion

that's right, Magnum Pi.

When Batman is investigating a crime, the most likely explanation is that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

What would RoboCop be called if he was a Transformer?

Stoptimus Crime

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out, identity theft is a crime.

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

It you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.

So that way you're still wanted.

What do you call a mediocre member of organized crime?

A mafiososo.

I hate crime in multistory parking lots.

It's wrong on so many different levels.

If you want to commit a crime, steal something from someone on a wheelchair

What are they gonna do, Run after you?

Young Gulls

The dolphin trainers at the state zoo were very upset because the dolphins were very ill and getting worse. An animal shaman told them that he could not only cure the dolphins, but make them live forever--all he needed were some young sea gulls. The trainers immediately set off to find some young se...

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Judge to CEO "Why did you have sex with your employees in your office? It is a crime"

CEO: In my defense, it was Christmas time.

Judge: So?

CEO:They barged into my office, angry and frustrated, demandi....

Judge: Demanding what?

CEO: Bone us.

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One snowy day in Washington, Trump screams for the Secret Service agents on duty.

The agents rush in.

Trump says, "I looked out the window and saw that someone wrote 'Fuck Trump' with their piss in the snow. Get the crime lab down here immediately and test the urine. I want to know who did it!"

Next day, the lab report comes in" "Urine is Mitch McConnell's. Handwrit...

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

Times sure have changed. Back in my day...

It was a crime to walk into a bank, wearing a mask, and ask for money.

The most German joke I know (source: am German): Why are there so few crimes in Germany?

Because its illegal.


edit: danke kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildrens Sparbuch of course

edit2: the thing with the anti joke is that its not really an anti joke in German, what makes it more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.

If a crime is committed often enough, it eventually just becomes a norm, and society eventually learns to accept and forgive it.

So anyway, I'm gonna need all you guys to start collecting dog skulls. Don't ask why.

Thank you, true crime show,

for saying that
was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your
Camera person didn't stop that murder.

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

When a cop asks a criminal about local crimes, they're "consulting with their CI"

When I ask a criminal about local crimes, I'm "consorting with known felons" and "violating my parole."

At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

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Today I had to register as a sex offender.

I haven't hurt anyone, or committed any crimes.

People just find the thought of having sex with me as offensive.

What's the name of the Thai superhero that fights crime while dressed as currency?

Bahtman.

Or is it The Bahtman?

A deep joke

I called a detective regarding a crime at my local swimming pool. He said that instead of diving straight in, he'd start by looking into it, floating a few ideas around before finally getting to the bottom of it.

A priest, lawyer, and engineer are about to be executed by guillotine.

The priest puts his head in but the blade doesn’t fall. He proclaims god has saved him, and is let go.

The lawyer is next, and again the blade doesn’t fall. He states that he can not be charged more than once for the same crime, so he is also let go.

The engineer puts his head into the...

I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

What's the funniest crime?

Man's laughter.

Why doesn't superman fight cyber crime?

Because he's scared of krypto currency.

A man with a lisp was accused of a crime while he was camping

While being investigated, he told the officers that he wasn't guilty of the crime...
He was... In-a-tent.

What job did Al Capone's assistant with OCD do?

Organized crime

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

The Case of the Missing Harvest

Every year, the creatures of the forest gathered nuts and other snacks to store for the winter. Not only did it keep the community fed, it also marked the end of the year and was accompanied by a great festival of feast, music, and dance.

But one day, all the nuts and berries were taken by a ...

In a society of crows,

All unsolved crimes are murder mysteries.

My mother is on the FBI most wanted list

Apparently giving birth to me was a "crime against humanity" and i am "evil incarcerated"...

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

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Most call forced sodomy a heinous crime.

I prefer to call it an anus crime

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

They never mention that part to us, do they .

6ix9ine would be a great crime scene investigator

I’ve heard he’s great at identifying blood

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

What do you call a Korean high school girl who fights crime in spare time?

Kimchi Possible, obviously

Whats the most common crime among plants?

Treeson

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Bloodhound tried for Nazi war crimes

He was only following odours.

I have found the perfect crime. I’m going to steal a news van...

They won’t be able to report it.

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One day St. Peter is getting bored.

He is tired of looking through people's pasts and seeing if they are fit to enter heaven, so he decides that he'll only let someone in if they can make him laugh by telling him how they died.

A man walks up to the gates of heaven, and St. Peter lays down the conditions.

The man says "...

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Four nuns are summoned by the head priest for committing sins

Priest to the first nun: alright, sister, what was your sin?

First nun: I saw a man's penis today

Priest: hmmm... well these things can happen by mistake, but it is a sin nonetheless! Go wash your eyes in the holy water.

The first nun does so and some giggling can be heard from ...

You know what’s scary about a white man in prison?

You know he actually committed the crime.

If not using commas was a crime

would it result in long sentences?

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

Huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.

The judge said 'Why did the police arrest you?'

The man replied 'For shopping too early.'

The judge said 'Well that's not a crime, how early were you shopping.'

The man replied 'Before the shop opened.'

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My best friend was my partner in crime

until homosexuality was made legal.

Smart criminals

Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don’t pay too well.

Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.

Really smart criminals become politicians.

(Courtesy of my mum) Why has crime rates gone up in the past 10 years?

Because they're removing all the phone boxes so superman has nowhere to change.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh...

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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What did the detective say when she discovered the toilet at the crime scene?

Shit went down here.

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

When does joker not plot crimes?

When he's riding his Harley

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NSFW: A man commits a crime and goes to prison.

A man committed a crime and was sentenced to 20 years in prison. The guards take him to his cell and he finds his new 'roommate' is a HUGE black man. The guards leave, and of course he's very nervous.

A few minutes go by and the black guy says "We both gonna be here for a while, so you can de...

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