UPJOKE
homicidemanslaughterassassinationsuicidecrimeslayslayingkillhitdispatchrevengemassacremurdererkillergenocide

Murder Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a guy gets murdered during sex?

Die Hard

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac
are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution,
bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it," said the sadist. ...

What do you call it when someone murders their friend?

Homie cide

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

i have been chasing a criminal who murders at railway stations

i think i am on the right track

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

Did you hear about the cat found guilty of murder?

He got nine life sentences

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.



This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the j...

I've been attempting a murder

But I can't get more than 1 crow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

Did you hear about the murder victim they found who's body was stretched out to 23 feet?

Poor guy was long dead.

Best name for a serial-murderer rabbit

Ted Bunny

The most victimless crime is murder

There is a victim less when your done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

Celebrity Murder

Dwayne Johnson was murdered in a hotel room he was staying at. Police were called as soon as the body was discovered, and they did some investigating.

An officer knocked on the door of someone living one floor down. He asked the man who answered if he heard anything unusual above him, but he ...

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

What do you call a Murder suicide case?

Round 2

What did the axe murderer say when he was in a hurry?

Chop chop.

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?

A Freedom Caucus.

I just finished watching a murder biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.

The serial killer was Dahmer though.

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

There was this musician in North Korea…

One day he was called upon Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean orchestra play it to him in the humble auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked.
The big night arrived with the musician stood at the fron...

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

What did the man say after getting attacked by crows?

I just got murdered.

Did you hear about the Mexican dish that was framed for murder?

His lawyers are claiming it was a quesa-mistaken-identidilla.

Recently found out all the crows in our neighbourhood had killed them selves

Looks like it was a murder suicide pact

But is it murder?

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?" "Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

How were the coin-collecting artist's victims murdered?

They were drawn and quartered!

If meat is murder…

is cake battery?

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because he did murder most fowl.

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

The author of the book " How to murder your husband" is on trial for murdering her husband

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

If you murder someone in space

Are you above the law?

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress."

The chief frowned and said...
"Please, just wear your police uniform."

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

Did you know a group of crows is called a murder?

Well… technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys decided to get drunk...

...on top of the roof.

While climbing there one guy dropped the ladder, but the other assured him when they're drunk, coming down would not be an issue.

After having drunk for hours, they finally decided to try and get down. One guy saw a pile of human fertilizer and decided that landi...

what do you call a group of crows who do something out of curiosity?

A tempted murder

Studies show one out of every 3 people is a murderer.

It’s not me, it’s not you… oh, what about that guy behind you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest ...

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Have you ever seen a man who was murdered by a jigsaw?

They always look puzzled.

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

Saw two crows sitting on a powerline.

Attempted murder?

what the hell is wrong with society? someone donates a kidney and they're considered a hero

i donate 5 kidneys and they consider me as a mass murderer who deserves to rot in hell?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

What's it called when you murder your best friend?

Homiecide

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

I'm reading a new suspense thriller about a murder who strikes at EDM parties

It's by Dean Koontz Koontz Koontz Koontz Koontz

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."

All of the staff at the CoCo pops factory were murdered last night

They say it was the work of a Cereal Killer.

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

jokes

**A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell... -** The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses: "Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat." His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says: ...

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

A Priest, a stalker and a murderer go into a bar.

He orders a beer.

What do Kookaburras like to do?

Scream murder.

There was a murder in Gotham last night. Police Commissioner Gordon told Batman some elaborate conspiracy theories,

But it's more likely that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

Why was the murderer arrested at the party?

He brought some body with him.

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

Recently a man murdered his wife of 40 years by poisoning a glass of orange juice.

I guess its, not the first time OJ has killed a woman.

When a murderer is chasing you...

... you're both running for your life.

I was on the jury for a murder trial

Someone pulled my pants down as I entered the court room.

They declared it a hung jury....and the accused got off.

She was still convicted though.

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

The perpetrator killed the victim by keeping him in a temperature chamber set to 1C

The sentence was first degree murder.

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted murder!"

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

A blonde at a job application

Interviewer: Okay before we move forward with your application. We're just gonna ask you a few simple questions.

Blonde: Okay no problem fire away!

Interviewer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Oh that's easy! 4!

Interviewer: Very good! And what's the square root of 100?

Blonde...

What do you call a murderer who can't speak?

Silent but deadly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

What's another way of saying attempted murder?

Marble Staircase.

I introduced my friend to Jessica Fletcher

And got charged with accessory to murder.

I've been charged with murdering a man with sandpaper.

But, to be honest, I just intended to rough him up a bit.

How do you prevent murders?

Use a scarecrow

What do you give the mass murderer who cured cancer?

The no-bail prize

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

There was a group of ravens in the park today fighting over a happy meal,

I'd never seen such a great unkindness before; I had thought they were crows until I walked closer, for a second I thought I had witnessed a murder.

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

There was a murder in town recently

But the detectives found the murder weapon in only 5 minutes...

...It was a brief-case

A chickpea got called to a murder scene

It was a hummucide

Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.