The 117+ Best Murder Jokes

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it agai...

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

Murdering people is not what gets you jail time.

Not properly disposing of the bodies is what gets you jail time.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

...

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What do you call it when a guy gets murdered during sex?

Die Hard

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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An elderly woman winds up in court for murder...

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your full name.'

Agatha: 'Agatha Louise Hewson.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you please state your age'

Agatha: 'I am 94 years old.'

Defence barrister: 'Will you tell us in your own words what happened on the night in question.'
<...

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

“How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

But is it murder?

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?" "Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

Did you hear about the guy who went around murdering people with a melted clock and long-legged elephant?

He was a Surreal Killer

Murder @ Wal-Mart

So here's the story. . .

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then
arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend o...

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John murders his wife

Shortly after he is hiding the body and his neighbor, Jeff, comes round and sees what’s happening. John quickly tackles Jeff to the ground and ties him up.

“Please” Jeff pleads, “let me live and I won’t tell a soul.”

Knowing Jeff was a man of his word and not wanting to have two murde...

What is it called when you murder a friend?

Homiecide

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

The most victimless crime is murder

There is a victim less when your done

Did you hear about the cat found guilty of murder?

He got nine life sentences

Celebrity Murder

Dwayne Johnson was murdered in a hotel room he was staying at. Police were called as soon as the body was discovered, and they did some investigating.

An officer knocked on the door of someone living one floor down. He asked the man who answered if he heard anything unusual above him, but he ...

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

What do you call a Murder suicide case?

Round 2

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts...

What do you call an obese murderer?

A killer whale.

A lawyer, Jones, is questioning his witness, Smith, during a murder trial.

Jones: Mr Smith, can you tell us what the deceased said before he died?

Smith: Yes, I can. He said...

Judge: Now hold on a minute. I'm not sure if it could be considered hearsay if I allowed Mr Smith to continue.

This led to a long argument between both lawyers and the j...

I witnessed a murder

It took me about 30 seconds before the crows noticed me and left.

Did you hear about the murder victim they found who's body was stretched out to 23 feet?

Poor guy was long dead.

Best name for a serial-murderer rabbit

Ted Bunny

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

My old fart dad’s Hollywood murder joke

“Did you hear about that actress that stabbed her husband?”
“No! Who was it?”
“I can’t remember the name. White woman. Blond Hair. Reese something…”
“Witherspoon!?!?”
“No. With a knife.”

I just finished watching a murder biopic on Netflix and some of those cops were really, really dumb.

The serial killer was Dahmer though.

What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer

Did you hear about the mass murderer who moonlighted as a model

He had the face of a 20-year-old, then a 35-year-old, then a 16-year-old...

A blacksmith was put on trial for a murder he did not commit

A guard from a village was found dead with a sword sticking through his chest. The blade was deemed to be the handiwork of the local blacksmith, however he had been away from the village by the time of the murder. Nonetheless, he was arrested shortly after returning and demanded his immediate releas...

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If abortion is murder

Is jerking off genocide?

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

I've been attempting a murder

But I can't get more than 1 crow

There was a murder in the chicken coop

Authorities suspect fowl play.

Divorce VS. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharma...

I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.

What do you call it when someone murders their friend?

Homie cide

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

If you murder someone in space

Are you above the law?

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

I'm reading a new suspense thriller about a murder who strikes at EDM parties

It's by Dean Koontz Koontz Koontz Koontz Koontz

i have been chasing a criminal who murders at railway stations

i think i am on the right track

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool.

I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

Did you hear about the Mexican dish that was framed for murder?

His lawyers are claiming it was a quesa-mistaken-identidilla.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

How were the coin-collecting artist's victims murdered?

They were drawn and quartered!

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

The author of the book " How to murder your husband" is on trial for murdering her husband

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

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Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder?

The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

Captain Crunch, Lucky the leprechaun, and the Trix rabbit have been found murdered in recent months.

Police believe they're all victims of character assassination.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

How did the police figure out which fruit murdered the orange?

It was a crime of passion.

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

Do you know why the clam murdered the oyster?

Shellfish reasons

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Why do murderers get away so often in Paris?

All the witnesses are mimes.

The new job

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.

The officer wants to ask her a few questions...

Officer:
\- "What's 2+2"?

Blonde:
\- "Ummmmm... 4!"

Officer:
\- "What's the square root of 100?"

Blonde:...

A police officer, a Klansman and a murderer walk into a bar...

And then he sits down and orders a drink.

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier...

Luckily only one crow showed up...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

There was a murder in Gotham last night. Police Commissioner Gordon told Batman some elaborate conspiracy theories,

But it's more likely that the Joker did it.

That's Arkham's Razor.

A Priest, a stalker and a murderer go into a bar.

He orders a beer.

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

A chickpea got called to a murder scene

It was a hummucide

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

All of the staff at the CoCo pops factory were murdered last night

They say it was the work of a Cereal Killer.

Have you ever seen a man who was murdered by a jigsaw?

They always look puzzled.

What's another way of saying attempted murder?

Marble Staircase.

How do you prevent murders?

Use a scarecrow

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

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