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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

Where's the best place to hide after committing a murder?

Behind a badge.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

What's the difference between an attempted-murder and a successful murder?

Execution.

A murderer and a domestic abuser walks into a bar, the bartender then says

"What'll it be officer"

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.


A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed hear...

Did you hear about the messenger who murdered someone with a 2.2 pound weight?

He said he was just delivering a killergram.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?

CROW: I was with a group of friends

COP: What would you call that group?

CROW: …I want a lawyer

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Because the DNA is all the same and there's no dental records.

Fun fact! a group of crows is called a murder!

cops*

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

What do you call a murderer who goes camping?

Criminal intent

How do you get a murder of crows to stick together?

Vel-crow

I know a sure way to stop the murder hornets

Just have Michael Jordan take over ownership.

A blind man, a deaf man and a mute were murdered.

Police said these were senseless killings.

How do you tell murderers apart?

Their Serial Number

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

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A murderer, a sadist, an arsonist, a rapist, a zoophiliac, a necrophiliac, and a masochist were sitting in a room together.

"We should kill a pig," says the murderer. "We should set the pig on fire and then kill it", says the arsonist. "We should fuck the pig and then set it on fire and then kill it", says the zoophiliac. "We should torture the pig and then fuck it and then set it on fire and then kill it," says the sadi...

“Murder hornets” have arrived in North America...

...I remember when they were killer bees.

Me: It couldn’t have been me. I was out buying a calculator the night of the murder.

Detective: Well that adds up.

What do you call a crazy Spanish train driver's reason to commit murder ?

A Loco-motive!

What’s the friendliest kind of murder?

Homiecide.

Did you hear about Murder hornets?

They’re the latest buzz

What kind of murderer has moral fibre?

A cereal killer.

What do you call it when a pig is murdered?

A ham-i-cide

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

Why do the cops always think poor people get murdered?

There's always signs of a struggle

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

Where does a murderer ride his bike?

A cycle path.

My parents were murdered

And the detective was a duck
Luckily he quacked the case in the end

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What do you call a murderer with two butts?

An assassin.

What do you call a fish that murdered someone?

Gill-ty

If a group of dolphins is called a pod and a group of crows is called a murder, what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

Captain Crunch, Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the Lucky Charms Elf were all murdered last night...

It seems it might have been a cerial killer

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with ...

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A man calls 911 to report a murder

Operator: who is the victim

Man: one of my family members

Operator: who is the perpetrator?

Man: another family member

Operator: where did this happen?

Man: in my house

Operator: and when did the murder take place?

Man: i don't know, some time betwe...

A clown goes crazy and starts murdering everybody with a cast-iron skillet.

Don't get the joke? It's deadpan humor.

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

Did you hear about the vegetable that was acquitted of murder?

He beet the rap.

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

What do you call someone that are comfortable with murdering and gets payed for it

comedians

BREAKING NEWS: A local dyslexic man, has committed a murder suicide at his family home.

His wife and kids remain unharmed.

What do ya call it when a bee gets murdered at a party?

A buzzkill.

How did the police know that the mononucleosis virus was murdered?

Because the Epstein-Barr virus didn’t kill himself

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

At night,im usually surrounded by females that i feel like murdering...

Dammit,why do mosquitoes even exist

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

what's the best place to hide if a murderer breaks into your house?

the living room.

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

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A young black man finds a genie in a lamp..

A young American black man finds a genie in a lamp. He gives it a rub, and a genie emerges, exclaiming “All behold the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is tremendous, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

The black man says “Ok... For my firs...

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.

Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

An Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irish man are running away from a murder

They run into a bar and say to the bartender “quick, we need somewhere to hide, there’s a man trying to kill us!”

The bartender says “there are some sacks in the cellar, hide in them, just pretend to be what was in them before you emptied them.”

So they run downstairs to hide in the sa...

Just a thought. How important/famous do you have to be

For your death to be considered an assassination instead of a murder?

I witnessed a queen being murdered

By a pawn

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn...

They said they can't do anything about crows and to stop calling them

TIL that a flock of crows is called a murder.

Thus apparently, gangsta rap lyrics are mostly about ornithology.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

A Klansman, a murderer and a wife beater walks to a bar

The bartender says: "Hello Officer, what would you like to drink?"

Police were questioning a man after he murdered his wife after catching her in bed with another man,

they asked him why he didn't kill her lover instead; he replied "It was easier to kill one woman rather than a different man every week."

FBI questioning a murder suspect

Q: When did you go to her house?

A: Never

Q: Where are you from?

A: Ghana

Q: Did you sell or give those to her?

A: Give

Q: Who did you contact first?

A: You

Q: Where did you go after you contacted us?

A: Up

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A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder

Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim?

Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!'

So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and ...

Police were investigating a murder in Ten City...

The victim was Andrew Pun, and the suspects were his family members. They were extremely wealthy, and had a pure blood line spanning out across multiple cities.

The police began interrogating each sibling, guardian, and family friends. All of them had an alibi:

Tommy Pun, Andrew's lit...

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A man was stopped by the police for speeding...

A man was stopped by the police for speeding. He told the police, I have a dead body in the trunk. The policeman then proceeds to prepare to take him to the police station when he says, I also have a gram of cocaine in the glove compartment, a bloody knife from a murder under the carpet, and the car...

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My next door neighbor was murdered.

Police found her facedown in a bath tub filled with milk. She had a spoon stuck in her ass.

They think it was a cereal killer.

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A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoi...

Construction worker discharged after accusation of murder

There was no concrete evidence.

People keep avoiding me because they think I'm a heartless murderer, but I do have a heart.

Well, 28 to be exact.

A man was found guilty of murdering his parents

He asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

Did you hear John McAfee is accused of murder?

The trial will last 30 days

Abortion is not murder.

It's just cancelling your order.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

There are immigrants who came to America and murdered the local population and stole jobs

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers.

What do you do if someone is trying to murder you?

You go into the living room!

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

What did Yoko say when John Lennon was murdered?

"Ono..."

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An inmate asked his cell mate what he was in for.

The man said he was in for murdering a man. He asked what he was in for.

“Honestly I shouldn’t be in here. They said it was because I had sex with a woman.”

The man raised an eyebrow and asked “did she consent?”

“Yes. She consented.”

“How old was she?”

“23.”
...

Every morning, I see this exhausted guy who looks like he would murder someone for a cup of coffee.

I really should move that mirror.

Everytime i go out for a meal with my wife she's always like 'enjoying your meat... MURDERER!'

Like geez... Why can't she just forget the time i shot her mom

A bit by Mile Birbiglia

I’m nervous ’cause I’m afraid of cops. I always thought I was most afraid of bears, but at least if a bear kills you, everyone gets mad at the bear. If a cop kills you, 30% of Americans are like, “It’s a hard job.” You know what I mean? If a bear kills you, they don’t have a bear press conference wh...

The blonde detective

A blonde woman wants to prove she is smart, so she goes down to the local police station and says that she wants to become a detective. The police chief decides to humor her, and asks her "Okay, can you tell what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven", she replies. The chief thinks a moment and says, "That's not wh...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

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I was put on trial for murder

They had very little evidence that I did it

The judge said that I was a piece of shit.

I told him that if we are what we eat then I was not a piece of shit but that I was a human being like him and everyone else

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group

I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.

A man is found dead in a park covered in ice cream, chocolate flakes, sprinkles and cherries.

Initially the police suspected foul play and opened up a possible murder case, however in the end it was concluded the man had topped himself

I heard two crows got arrested

The charge was attempted murder

What did the murderer say to his child as he pointed his vacuum cleaner at him?

Dyson.

Did you hear about Quasimodo solving the murder case ?

apparently he had a hunch.

I got framed for murder...

My picture now hangs on the wall in the PD

The News About the Giant Hornets is Actually Good for Reddit

They can murder the hive mentality

Why did the cops arrest the two crows before more could arrive?

Attempted murder.

There was probable caws.

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

The valedictorian from my high school was convicted yesterday as an accessory to murder.

Everyone always said he would accomplice something.

I read somewhere that in every group of 10 friends, one of them would become a murderer at some point.

I pushed my buddy Dave off a cliff, as I had a feeling it would've been him.

A man goes to his friend for advice

He tells his friend, “I’ve been having issues with my coworker and no matter how much I yell at him he just won’t change!”

“Woah there,” his friend says. “No need to yell at him, I think you just need to get to the heart of the problem and figure it out from there.”

The man agrees and ...

They call me the battery

Because I’m charged with 17 accounts of murder, 67 accounts of kidnapping and 326 accounts of aggravated and first degree arson.

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