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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

Why are murders so difficult to solve in Alabama?

All the DNA matches and there are no dental records

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it a...

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

They say in every friend group, 1 person is likely to commit murder.

I killed the guy I suspected before they could do any harm.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Home Owners Association.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

A cello player was found dead earlier this week. Police suspect he was murdered

They think the crime was orchestrated, but could not rule out a random act of violins

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?

Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.

A peach murder-suicides his wife and children…

Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives to the crime scene and begins to observe the deteriorated remains of the family.

Pineapple says, “well that’s just the pits.”

a murderer joins a party

he killed the mood instantly

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Did you hear about the guy on trial for murder trying to get off with an insanity plea by pretending he’s a fish?

He was trying to be coy

"Hello police? I'd like to report a murder"

"For the last time sir, a bunch of crows sitting in a tree isn't a threat to your security"

What's another way of saying attempted murder?

Marble Staircase.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of the mountains.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon, the insects, and a pile of straw on the floor as a bed.

The ne...

Cop 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime. That’s why I became a cop.

There was a murder at a Janitorial Convention

Needless to say, there were sweeping allegations…

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

What do you call a cop who gets convicted of murder?

A good start.

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

Teenager is on trial for murder of both of his parents

Before ready to pass the sentence, Judge asks him: "Do you want to say anything to the court?"

And the young man says "Have mercy your highness! I am just a poor orphan!"

I wont let the load of one small murder weigh me down...

... because I'm a mass murderer.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

My mom had two conjoined sisters and both of their names were Andra. When they were murdered, I gave up joking.

And mourned my double entendres.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

What do you call jail for murderous pastas?

The state pennetentiary

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder.

We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

How do you prevent murders?

Use a scarecrow

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Murder at 1600

A man calls home to tell his wife that he’ll be late because he will be in a meeting until late.

Ring ring..

Maid: Hello

Man: Hello this is John, can you please ask your Madam to talk to me right now?

Maid: uh Sir, unfortunately she can’t right now. Can i ask her to call...

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

Murder of crows

Question...If a group of crows is called a murder, and a group is three or more, is two crows together considered an attempted murder? Also, as I’ve been told, crows are very intelligent, my so would a planned gathering of crows be considered a pre-meditated murder?

A martial arts expert is arrested for murder.

When the case is taken to court, he is asked by the judge why he doesn't have a lawyer with him.

'I don't need a lawyer', the martial arts expert replies.

'Why not? It could really help your case if you have a defense lawyer' the judge says.

'No, thank you', the martial arts exp...

A man runs into the police station one day saying he witnessed a murder.

The police quickly follow him to a field, expecting to see a body, but all they see is a crow.

The man says “There was definitely more than one crow here”

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

Rich man arrested for murder

A rich man is arrested for murder finds an Attorney that says

" Rich people don't to jail, You have too much money to go to jail, I'll represent you"

It was long drawn out trial, and when his client was convicted, the lawyer made sure he didn't have any money left.

They say that 95% of murders are committed by someone the victim knows, if that's true...

New "friends" are actually just people who became 19 times more likely to kill you

They say you can’t get away with murder..

Well I know two people who McCann

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts?

Ethereal killer

A group of crows is called a murder. What do you call a group of Karens??

A migraine.

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

I'm on Trial for Murder

The prosecutor says to me while I'm on the stand, "Did you kill that man?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?"

I said, "Yeah it's a lot less than the penalty for murder."

In class, a teacher asked her students what was something good that they did today

The first kid says "I gave money to a homeless man"

The second kid says "I helped my mom with the chores"

The third kid says "I helped an old lady cross the street"

The teacher was very impressed and had high hopes for the fourth kid

The fourth kid then says "I prevented ...

A chickpea got called to a murder scene

It was a hummucide

How do you murder a mathematician?

With a hypotenoose.

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

Almost Murderer

*In jail*

Guy: "So what are you in for?"

Me: *Thinking back on trying to collect and breed crows* "Attempted Murder."

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

Why did the police catch the murder of the geometry teacher?

They investigated it from all angles

What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?

First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

Just saved my boss from a murder.

I went home early.

Robinhood was originally a child kidnapper and murderer

But with what's going on today, it appears he also takes their money.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder?

The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

The police chief asked, "Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case?" The officer responded, "I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress." The chief frowned and said...

"Please, just wear your police uniform."

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime

The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

Why would you never murder on an elevator?

because it's wrong on Sooo many levels

The men who murdered Jesus

They never crossed a man they didn't want to kill.

There was this musician in North Korea

One day, he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself, to compose a piece of music and have the great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the humble auditorium. The man, not wanting to displease the great leader, did as asked.

The big night arrived, with the musicians stood at the fro...

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

What do the British and murder hornets have in common?

They’re both an invasive species.

Murder investigation Australia

When some one is killed by violence in Australia

the detectives have it easy, they just wait and see who the boomerang

comes back to.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

So there's this french murder running rampant around town.

One of his victims said "Mercy!" The french guy just said "you're welcome" and shot him

A flock of seagulls, a herd of sheep, a murder of crows...

An Insurrection of Republicans

A man hires a dyslexic hitman and comes home to find his tabby, Mittens, murdered.

Understandably upset he calls the hitman to find out what happened.


“What the hell did I pay you for? My wife is still here and now our little pet is dead. Did you even read my instructions?”


“What are you talking about I did exactly as…Ohhhhh. I thought you wanted me to off t...

I read that Snap, Crackle and Pop were found murdered along with Captain Crunch and Tony the Tiger

Authorities suspect it's the work of a cereal killer.

A murder took place. Everyone witnessed the crime being committed.

They know it was E who brutally killed the man in question. They saw it. Against all previous odds of his record coming clear, people testified.

A jury was formed to try E on these alleged crimes. Due to the extreme gore of the crime scene and its explicit details, it was a closed court heari...

A bunch of crows live in our neighborhood so I am constantly making jokes about "(attempted) murder."

It's not that funny anymore and it's driving my wife insane, but I'm just setting up a big laugh for when the judge reads the charges against her.

A pencil isn't John Wick's primary murder weapon.

But it's definitely number 2.

A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed.

I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty

What do you do to a murderous egg?

You egg-secute it!

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, “Are we almost there it’s getting dark?”
The ax murderer says they’re close and it’s just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl s...

Abortion isn't murder

It's cancelling a pre-order

Olympic bilateral amputee Oscar Pistorius lost his appeal for the crime of murder. The Judge said...

He didn't have a leg to stand on.

A crow was arrested today under suspicion of being involved in a murder

The judge threw the case out. He said he had just caws.

After a gruesome murder in Greenland the suspect is taken in for questioning by the police.

Inspector: Would you mind telling us where you were on the night from October 11th to March 5th?

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

The reason Cain commited murder

He was going to stop, but he wasn't Abel.

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder.

If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

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What is the difference between erotic and kinky sex?

A sadist, a masochistic, a murderer, a necrophilic, a zoophilic and a pyromaniac sit in the garden of psychiatry and are terribly bored.

Once the zoophile sounds:
- What if we fucked a cat?

For this, the sadist:
-Yes, let's fuck him and then torture him well.

The mur...

A judge is hearing a murder trial.

Imp and her spirite-elf that was killed and the suspect, a 16 year old who's represented by his father, Ep.

After hearing the case, the judge decides.

Ep's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.

What do you call a murderous metre?

A killometre!

(Cheesy ba-dum-tish sound effect plays)

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

Whenever I say I'm going to charge my phone, my mam says: "With what? Murder?!"

When will she accept it didn't cause the accident

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder.

Prior to his incarceration, he worked on a farm helping his father dig and prepare the land for plants.

His father wrote to him:” Oh, how I miss when you were here to help me prepare the fields. Now I must do everything alone.”
...

What do you call the mass murder of Rednecks?

The Hollercaust.

I watched a murder mystery movie with my daughter.

She said, "Hey! They just stole this idea from Among Us!"

What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer.

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.<...

Did you hear about the crow who got arrested for trying to start a social club?

He was charged with attempted murder... I'll see myself out

Irish Man Murdered

Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome? It was a Knick knack paddy whack.

If there is a body found at a barbershop, the most obvious murder weapon is the most likely.

It's Occam's Razor.

People say that I'm a murderer

but I can't be, some of my friends are alive..

I saw a murder on my way home today.

I don’t know what was happening but all of a sudden there were hundreds of crows.

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

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Cain, son of Adam, had a shit load of responsibilities.

Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to murder his brother and do a whole slew of other shit so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain’s workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get ...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved their hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to their face and a gasp of horror escaped their mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller ...

If a group of crows is called a 'murder', and two crows are an 'attempted murder', what do you call eighteen crows?

Pretty close to a pandemic in 2020.




(Corvid-18! Geddit Reddit?)

Yeah-yeah I made it up, not sorry... yet...

A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.

The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him:

"Is it true you were working at night?  How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?"

The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."

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Update on an Ironic Classic

A man goes to the doctor, says he's depressed, says life seems harsh, heartless and cruel. He's all alone in a threatening world, and what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up." Man bur...

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

Defense!



In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. ...

A few years ago I had a proud (step)dad moment I think this sub will like..

This was right after picking her up from preschool. She was usually a bit grumpy and I always tried to be fun and keep the drive home more upbeat.

&nbsp;

Her: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

...

Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder...

But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road

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