Why didn't the police respond quickly to the Capitol incident?

They thought everything was all white

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I heard Lorena Bobbit was involved in a road rage incident.

Apparently, some dick cut her off.

Why didn’t 4 get involved in the 789 incident?

He was 2²

Did you hear about the guy that reported the Chernobyl incident to the Soviet Government?

He was always such a goody 3 shoes.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

## So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, b**ut ...

Did you hear about the milk incident at the farm?

It was udderly disgusting

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?

It was a big cat-astrophe

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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My mate injured his penis in a surfing incident.

He had to shut his laptop quickly when his wife came home unexpectedly

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The Victoria's Secret Incident

I'm a detective and my day started off like every other. I woke up, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ate a slice of toast and a single sunny side up egg that my wife made. As soon as I made my way into the precinct the sheriff, Chett Bradley, walked up to me. "There's been an incident at a Victo...

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

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A wake for my mother-in-law

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!" ...

No one has even heard of this Qasem Soleimani guy up until the recent incidents...

It’s like he blew up over night or something

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Two male mice sucked each other’s dicks

Later they talked about the incident.

Mouse#1: It was pretty disgusting what we did

Mouse#2: I know. But I only did it for the cheese

TIL wooden shoe failure is responsible for multiple deaths each year in the Netherlands. The incidents are archived on this government website.

The Broken Clog Croakin' Blog

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

A true incident...

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenient travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS”

The a...

Drinking and driving.

Drinking and Driving



I would like to share a personal experience with my

friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and

embarrassment of being arrested for DUI.

As you know, people have been known to have

unexp...

The devil strolls into a church

Everybody starts screaming and running out, the priest almost falls as he jumps over the altar. One old man remains seated seemingly completely unphased by the incident. The devil booms "YOU MUST BE BLIND OLD MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" The man replies, "Not really worried brother... I married ...

I daily observe a group of ladies sitting in the park Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed all the ladies were silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.

So I went to a Lady and asked, "Why everybody is Silent Today?"

The Lady replied, "All Are Present Today."

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Well, it's a well story.

When I was in my 5th grade, my English teacher told this story.
Once there lived a landlord in a village.He was rich. He had a daughter which meant the world to him. One day while he was on his way to work, he heard the news that his daughter fell inside a well, while she was playing. He immediat...

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Police were investigating an incident that happened during a hypnotist's show

A male hypnotist ended up in the hospital with multiple injuries. They interviewed a witness on what happened during the show.

Police: So, can you tell us what happened?

Witness: So we were watching a hypnotist doing his show, all is going well. He asked for volunteers from the audienc...

How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

My father's friend died in an car accident.

My father took me to his friend's funeral even though I didn't knew anyone of the people who attended that funeral. Few moments later a gentleman stood beside me and said,

Man- Hey kid, enjoy your life to your fullest and never give up in your life. These are the days which you'll remember y...

Bran Stark and Jamie Lannister cross paths for the first time after the incident...

Jamie: Hey, need a push?

Bran: No, but I could use a hand.

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I got called into human resources today because of a couple of incidents and was asked if I knew the difference between left and right wing. Outraged, I told them to fuck off as my politics was my business! They still fired me though...

...turns out aircraft are really expensive to fix.

Somehow it looks like Robert Kraft will get away with his little massage parlor incident...

This isn't the first time he got off...

What do you call an incident with someone who has an accent?

An *accent*dent

Now laugh you fools

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The Forest Incident

The animals of the forest are having a meeting. For months on end, there was one big party and the forest lookes like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.

They agreed that this can't go on and voted to go teatotal. The bear was elected sheriff...

We never make mistakes.

There was an incident a few years ago where I was sure I had made a mistake, but it turned out I was wrong.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Did you hear about the big coffee incident in Paris?

it's all over the French press

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

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For All You Disney Fans, here’s a little Story about the time I rode the Monorail at Disneyland

One time while riding the monorail at Disneyland, I let out the loudest, wettest, deepest and almost foul smelling fart I have ever ripped in my life. There are no words in the English language that can describe the absolute rancidity of this fart. It was so putrid that actual green gas was visible ...

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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.

Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).

However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.

We passed a po...

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A man was in the woods and needed to pee

As he unzipped his jeans he saw something moving in the grass, not knowing it was a poisonous snake. When he went to get a closer look the snake jumped up and bit him on the dick. As he was screaming and panicking, his friend that was with him came to find out what happened.
“A SNAKE JUST BIT MY ...

Son: Dad, what's the most unforgettable incident in your life ?

IT Dad: Son, its INC0000038764. Took me forever to resolve.

Happy father's day !!

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

Did you guys hear about the boy who got decapitated in a water slide incident?

On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line.

(Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)

The incident at the Cemetery.

It was summer. Jake went on a stroll. Soon he arrived at a cemetery. There, he saw a woman, sitting on a grave.

He asked, "Sitting on someone's grave, alone in the cemetery, aren't you scared?".

Woman, " Scared? Of what? It gets hot inside, so I just got out for air."

I dropped the thanksgiving dinner and caused a geopolitical incident.

The fall of Turkey. The splattering of Greece. And the breaking up of China.

Some people from Britain call themselves "Bri-ish" because

After the incident in Boston Harbor they need to hide their T

There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.

As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.

In light of the recent fentanyl incidents. Who would have thought the solution to the war on drugs...

Was just stronger drugs???

There was an alcoholic Jedi who used the Jedi mind trick to get a drunk driving incident removed from his record.

They called him DUI-Gone Gin.

The entire United Airlines incident could've been avoided...

if someone had offered a Pepsi.

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The Pool Ball Incident

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole. The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening. Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.

A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey...

Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident

Soo Yoo

If you keep a rocket in your home

the chances of having a household incident go through the roof

The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of...

the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

A talking frog walks into a bank

He walked to the counter and said to guy there, " Hello sir , I am here to ask for a loan from the bank."

The guy on the counter was astonished and said , " You are a frog , what the hell do you need the loan for ?"

The frog replied , " My father who was the member of the rolling sto...

The Trump Tower incident proves that..

..the only way to climb up a corporate ladder is by sucking up

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A man is driving through Hartford, CT

he sees a bunch of orange traffic cones toppled over and strewn all over the road. It's not an isolated incident either. Everywhere in the city traffic cones are in utter disarray, like the construction crews just didn't give a shit and threw them anywhere, causing mayhem with the traffic

At ...

Taxis are foolproof!

A couple of nights ago, I was out for drinks with a few friends. Had a couple beers and topped it off with shots of tequila. Not a good idea.

Knowing fully well that I was over the acceptable limit, I did something I never did before: I took a taxi home.

Surely enough, I passed a poli...

Two men are hunting in the woods...

One of them tries to shoot a bear, but misses and ends up being mauled by the bear. After the incident, as he is "bear"ly holding on to life the othe runs over and calls 911. "Help my friend and i were hunting and he got mauled by a bear, I think he's dead! " The woman on the phone responds "well we...

Those childhood days(real incident)

I am sharing my childhood event and this makes me laughs hilariously


Teacher (on phone): You say Edward has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.

Peter got a job as a train conducter...

On the first day of his job, a random guy without a ticket got past him and on the train without being noticed. This was eventually caught on CCTV and Peter was warned by his boss.

Second day of his work, a group of refugees snuck on the train between carts without Peter noticing and one of t...

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A blonde cop is patrolling the highway when she sees a blonde motorist weaving in and out of traffic.

The cop pulls over the motorist and asks for her ID. Note that the motorist was wearing a pink ensemble and that the cop was in uniform when the incident happened.

Cop: May I see your ID, ma'am?

Motorist: What's an ID?

Cop: It's a rectangle with a picture of your face on it.
...

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

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A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

What do you call shy bladder incidents?

Frozen pees

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France?

De-brie was everywhere.

Following the incident the owner of the factory, monseuir francois was asked his thoughts in an interview.

He merely said

"ehh-Damn!"

Blowdryer Incident

Bob's wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing?

Apparently, "heating up your breakfast" was not the right answer!

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

THE STUTTERING CAT

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the gi...

Kim Kardashin flour bombing incident

Police called off the search for the person who flower bombed Kim Kardashin.

They learned it was just Lindsey Lohan sneezing

A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog ...

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a Woman was pregnant with triplets...

A woman pregnant with triplets walked into a bank, and then a robber pulled out a gun, and started to shoot the people inside to control the crowd. the woman got hit 3 times and she was moved to the hospital really quickly after the event had been cleared.

The ultrasound check confirmed that...

A 12 year old boy comes home early from the playground

and to his surprise when he enters his house, he hears loud moaning voices coming from his parent's room, in a confused state he quickly hides in his room. His father also comes home early, and the boyfriend of his mother comes running down and hides in the kids room as well.

Kid: It's reall...

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

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A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris...

A Boeing 777 was flying from New York to Paris when it encountered some heavy turbulence over the Atlantic. The captain has a decade of flying under his belt and manages to get through the turbulence without any major incidents.

He then switches on the intercom and says, “This is your captai...

I once lost my hands in an accident

The entire incident was horrendous. The mental trauma alone was incredibly difficult to battle through. It took me 8 months of therapy to get moving again. Once I was back home from all the therapy I noticed my computer at home was not working all that well. It was midly infuriating at first but the...

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This is a long one that requires audience interaction. It’s always given me great return.

To preface this joke: you may alter the story as you see fit. Make it personal and use elements of your real life to make this a convincing story. The only key points that must be consistent will be highlighted in the text. The audience interaction will be italicized.

_________

The Cat...

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, wh...

Coronavirus outbreak is actually good news for America.

School shooting incidents decrease drammatically in 2020.

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank

and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They'r...

Dr John was caught having a physical relationship with one of his patients

Dr. Phil his co-worker was left flabbergasted learning about this incident.

Dr Phil- Dr. John how could you!

Dr John- Well i am neither the first one nor the last one having a physical relationship with a patient.

Dr Phil- Sir but we are forensic specialist.

Dr John- Well...

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