If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

I spent years looking for my mother-in-laws killer

They were all asking for more money than I could afford.

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

Did you hear about the Mexican Serial Killer?

He had loco-motives.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

I'm desperately looking for my wife's killer...

I'm desperately looking for my wife's killer...
...its been 2 years already and no one wants to do it.

I have been looking for my wife’s killer for years now

Sadly no-one will take the job

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

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who killed Julius caesar ?

a principal heard a teacher screaming in his class so he went to ask what was happening

the teacher replied to him " it's a disaster I can't continue doing this anymore "

the principal replied " what's the problem tell me maybe I can help "

the teacher nodded then called a stude...

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Ted Cruz, a porn addict, a sociopath, and the Zodiac Killer walks into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

If you are being chased by a serial killer.

Both of you are running for your life.

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

Killer

A grandson asks his grandfather:

Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?

Yes, I killed more than 50 men.

But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!

Yes, but not a good one.

There's a serial killer who only kills priests on a Sunday morning.

He's a Mass murderer.

An entire cult of dead killer bees were found dead.

They are thought to have committed insecticide

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer."

The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."

What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?

Wears Waldo

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

A serial killer started kidnapping and killing all female cousins of his mother & father.

When arrested and asked for reasons, he said, “I just heard that you need Aunty-bodies to build immunity against Covid.”

Did you see the news about the person they found dead in a bathtub full of milk with banana slices in the milk?

They think it was a cereal killer.

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Serial killer in my town has a weird fetish

I had to serve jury duty for this fucker. I just need to get it off my chest, it's a little disturbing...

He carved peoples eyes out. Right out of the sockets, and then fucks the hole. Used the blood as lube. He did it hundreds of times. For some reason he had a specific target that really t...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies ...

A serial killer was celebrating his cake day when he was nabbed by the police.

As he was escorted, he heard a voice shouted, “I’ve told you karma will come to bite you!”

What do yo get if you’re inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?

A lifetime dismembership.

Whats the last thing a serial killer hear before he kills his next victim?

Snap crackle pop

I heard that 1 in every 5 people from a group have the potential to be a serial killer

So I killed them all just to be safe.

What do both teachers in the hallway and killers say?

"Stop running around the place, kid."

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A competition in the pub

A guy walks into a new pub and notices that there’s a jar full of ten pound notes.

so he asks the barman “what’s with the jar?” The barman explains, if you put a tenner in the jar and complete 3 tasks then you win all the money in the jar. He agrees and hands over a ten pound note.

“Ri...

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

Why can’t the cops ever catch overweight killers in the act?

They’re only looking for the active shooters

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My wife said I put chapstick on like a serial killer. I asked her "How do you know?"

She said "I don't know. It's just weird, like, you're trying too hard to look like you're not putting on lipstick"

"Oh... Okay. I was worried you found something in the basement."

After many years, I finally found my girlfriend's killer.

Nice guy, fair prices!

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

What do you call a serial killer who kills 2 people in one year, 4 the next, and 16 the year after?

A second degree murderer.

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

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What do serial killers and ballsacks have in common? (nsfw)

They're both nutcases

A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.

Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed

Detective : Do you suspect fowl play?

Duck: please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.

Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and put it to bread

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What do you call a place where highly-trained-gay killers stay for night?

Ass-ass-inn

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...no one would do it

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A womab has been found dead with semen in her eyes.

Police believe she saw her killer coming.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

Detective: What did you find in the serial killers home?

Police: Head shoulders knees and toes, knees and toes

My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

I've been looking for my wife's killer for an year now

I still cannot find one:(

hard to find coins, hard to find killer...

A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.

Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'

My friend asked me if I believe in killer clowns

I replied, "No doubt about IT"

Why do Pirates always win boxing matches?

They have a killer hook.

Why did the serial killer chicken cross the road?

To kill the chicken on the other side....

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A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

A village was devastated by a lion's multiple attacks on the villagers.

Many hunters attempted to kill the lion but all of them became prey of the lion.

One day a hunter named Killer John (KJ) came to the village claiming that he can kill the lion. The villagers asked what are your going to do that the earlier hunters couldn't do.

KJ asked the help of vill...

Why serial killers only kill one person at a time

Coz if they killed more they would be parallel killers.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

What did the pain killer addicted Power Ranger say?

Its morphine time.

Stay Alert - The Bowling-Alley Killer is still at large ...

Police warn he may strike again.

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

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The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

Marine biologists have discovered a group of killer whales that regularly meets and plays music together.

They call it an orca-stra.

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you’ve walked a mile in their skin...

Did you hear about the serial killer who beat his victims to death with clocks?

He just wanted to kill some time.

[OC] Did you hear about the serial killer going around killing good-looking people?

It's good to know we're safe.

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

The killer was found to be completely insane.

So insane, in fact, I was able to convince him that he was guilty of the murder.

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

How come they never caught the Zodiac Killer?

Let's face it, all the signs were there.....

My neighbor’s yard is so vibrant and colorful.

Good thing I switched his weed killer to MiracleGro.

What do you call a teacher who is so boring that it's killer?

Hannibal Lecture

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

What do serial killers and people who eat fried chicken have in common?

They both think the skin is the best part.

If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

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There was once a cannibalistic Japanese serial killer who killed and ate my mother. I asked why he would do such a thing.

He said, I just love the taste of Umami.

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," says the woman.

"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points the gun at the husband.

"And what's your name?"

"Dan," says ...

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are running away from some killers...

... when they find themselves at the end of a dead end ally. They see 3 burlap sacks and hop in. The killers come over wondering where the ladies are and see the sacks.

One of the killers goes up the the brunettes bag and kicks it. “Woof woof” says the brunette. The killer then says “oh ther...

Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.

Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts?

Ethereal killer

Have you heard about the train killer?

They're still trying to find out his loco-motives

Who Is the Greatest Chicken-killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because to be fair he did murder most foul.

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

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C-Worthy NSFW

And then there’s the one about the killer whales who got tired of whales getting killed off by fishermen. So a pod of them got together to plan a retaliation.

The pod leader says, “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. The next time a group of boats come by, we’ll swim under them, use our blo...

How did Epstien's killers make it look like a suicide?

They used A LOT of coverup

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?

Chick Fillet

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.

Fast-forward to day of execution.

Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"

Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"

Guard: "The electric current is going ...

An Englishman, a Scottish man and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Serial killer jokes are ok

As long as they are properly executed.

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

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The FBI Needed a Stone Cold Killer

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what ...

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?

Go for the jugular

Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

What does a serial killer eat when he’s on a budget?

Raw men

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

Mexican train killers scare me.

They have loco motives.

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

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