UPJOKE
murdererslayersuicidepoisonermurderexecutionerassassinstranglervictimcause of deathregicideexterminatorkilllethalpoison

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

What do you call a pod of singing killer whales?

An orcapella group

What's with the sudden influx of Killer Whale attacks on boats?

Seems Orcastrated

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for years now

But so far nobody's agreed to do it.

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

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A serial killer died and goes to hell…

A serial killer dies and goes to hell. He’s met by a devil.

“Welcome to hell. Do you like smoking?”

“Yeah” replies the killer.

“Oh boy you’re gonna love Mondays. All we do is smoke. Soon as you’re done smoking, another cigarette appears in your hand. Smoke smoke smoke, all day l...

A serial killer was celebrating his cake day when he was nabbed by the police.

As he was escorted, he heard a voice shouted, “I’ve told you karma will come to bite you!”

Have you ever heard of the Bowling Ball Killer?

He waits till he sees a group of people standing in a perfect bowling pin formation and then that's when he strikes. Very disturbing.

(not mine, but my partner's joke)

What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?

Wears Waldo.

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

Killer Bear

In Czechoslovakia, a woman walks into a police station and reports that while walking in the woods she witnessed a bear attack a man and devour him. The police quickly form a search party to find and take care of the killer bear.

About an hour later they come across two bears together - a ma...

How did Jesus maintain his killer abs?

Cross Fit

What is worse than a serial killer

A parallel killer, who kills multiple people at once, instead of one at a time

Last night I was chased by a serial killer…

We ran for my life

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer?

Casual tea

What did the Redditor say to the serial killer with a garrote who spared him?

Thank you, kind strangler!

A serial killer takes a victim into the forest. It’s pitch dark.

Victim: I’m scared...
Killer: You’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone

Who Is The Greatest Chicken-Killer In Shakespeare?

Macbeth, because he did murder most fowl.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

Batman says “If you kill a killer the number of killers stays the same”

Who the hell said I was innocent?

As a serial killer, I keep all of my trophies in a snack pack.

The proof is in the pudding.

What do a serial killer and a prolific gardener have in common?

Both of their sheds are filled with hoes.

Killer Chihuahua

Guy walks into a bar and announced rather loudly, “Whomever had a German Shepard tied up outside, I regret to inform you that my Chihuahua has killed your dog.” The German Shepard owner pipes up saying, “There’s no way your Chihuahua could have killed my dog. My Shepard was a trained war dog. He fou...

On which day does a serial killer rest?

On the stabbath!

did you hear about stephen king's book about a killer clown?

he made it.

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My music teacher constructed a piece for heterosexual killer whales.

That's something I wouldn't know how to orca straight.

What did the serial killer say at the end of a successful first date?

Let me get them digits.

What’s one question that’s only asked of high-fashion celebrities and serial killers?

“Who are you wearing?”

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.

Fast-forward to day of execution.

Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"

Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"

Guard: "The electric current is going ...

There is a new serial killer in town who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts.

The cops are saying that he’s still at Large.

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

Why can’t you get pain killers in the jungle?

Because the parrots eat ‘em all.

What’s the difference between Abraham Lincoln’s killer and where Keanu Reeves sits at a restaurant?

One is John Wilkes Booth, and the other is John Wick’s booth.

I have been looking for my wife’s killer for years now

Sadly no-one will take the job

Killer

A grandson asks his grandfather:

Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?

Yes, I killed more than 50 men.

But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!

Yes, but not a good one.

When a serial killer goes to a circus, who do they go to kill first?

They go for the Juggler

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A serial killer goes on a killing spree

He then skins all the faces off his victim and puts them in giant scrapbook.


The scrapbook is then tied to a post which he erects on his front lawn. It is quite a gruesome sight to behold.


Naturally the police find him pretty easily.


When he gets to court though his ...

I've been searching for my wife's killer for six months.

No takers so far, though.

What's a Serial Killer's favorite Vegetable?

Arti*chokes*

Did you know that British serial killers can't die?

They're immoral, but with tea.

What do serial killers and programmers have in common?

They both love hackathons.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.

(OC) A Killer Dies, And Meets His Victim In The Afterlife...

The killer stares awkwardly at the victim, the victim stares back. Unsure what to do, the killer finally says, "Well... This feels pretty tense."

The victim replies, "Oh, we're past tense."

How do you jump start a serial killer robot with a dead battery?

Charge it with murder.

Did you all see the new scary about the killer cow?

It was horror-bull.

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense"

So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

What is the only similarity between serial killers and gamer

**They collect skins**

There was a serial killer who killed more people than Jeffrey Dahmer and never got caught

His name was Jeffrey Smahter

Why did the serial killer make a public broadcast?

He wanted to e-stab-lish himself.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

I'm a serial killer that doesn't kill

I'm just a serial.



One of many.

Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

If you think about it, getting killed by the Zodiac Killer must suck…

Because imagine living your entire life up to that point just to be killed for being a Virgo.

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A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Serial killer jokes are ok

As long as they are properly executed.

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

What pronouns do serial killers go by?

Man/slaughter

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

I spent years looking for my mother-in-laws killer

They were all asking for more money than I could afford.

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Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?”

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and to...

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you’ve walked a mile in their skin...

Why was the killer obsessed with dairy?

He/she was a Cereal Killer

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A wounded soldier takes viagra by accident after thinking the pills were pain killers

He got battle-hardened by that experience

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

What's the difference between a killer whale and a killer dolphin?

One doesn't have to hide the bodies.

The killer panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders food, eats it, shoots the waiter, and begins to walk out. The bartender yells to him, "You can't do that!" The panda bear replies, "It's in the dictionary."

So they look up panda in the dictionary, and it says, "Panda: eats shoot and leaves."

Failed serial killer pick up line:

Hey baby, that dress looks good on you.

You know what else would look good on you?

Three feet of dirt.

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

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What kind of contract killer has two butts?

An assassin

How do you stop serial killers?

Just arrest one of them, and all of them stop.

This wouldn't work if they were parallel killers.

Wanna hear a killer joke?

A neighbor comes over and asks to borrow some lettuce.

Me: "Look in the fridge, I'm sure there must be a head in there somewhere."

The killer was found to be completely insane.

So insane, in fact, I was able to convince him that he was guilty of the murder.

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The victim was found with semen in her ear

I guess you could say she could hear the killer coming.

My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

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The FBI Needed a Stone Cold Killer

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the women to a large metal door and handed her a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what ...

What did the pain killer addicted Power Ranger say?

Its morphine time.

What do both teachers in the hallway and killers say?

"Stop running around the place, kid."

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

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Serial killer trial

One day in a courthouse, a serial killer was on trial for murdering people.

Judge: "you are hereby guilty for murdering multiple people with a hammer for this past few years"

Random person: "you son of a bitch! "

The judge ignored the person calling out and attempted to continu...

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

What do yo get if you’re inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?

A lifetime dismembership.

How come they never caught the Zodiac Killer?

Let's face it, all the signs were there.....

Why did the serial killer chicken cross the road?

To kill the chicken on the other side....

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What do serial killers and ballsacks have in common? (nsfw)

They're both nutcases

Have you heard about the train killer?

They're still trying to find out his loco-motives

My friend asked me if I believe in killer clowns

I replied, "No doubt about IT"

The serial killer who used his car to run over people has finally been arrested

According to lawsuit analysts, he musthang.

Serial Killer...

The police have caught a serial killer with a really bad stammer.

They said it'll be a while before he finishes his sentence.

Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.

Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Did you hear about the Zodiac killer?

I heard he cut his victims in to little pisces!

What is a serial killer's favourite muesli topping?

Chopped dates!!

(first joke I've ever come up with)

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