If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says “Please come help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her neighbor asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s supposed to be a rooster.”

The neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has all the pieces spread al...

The genie told me I could have dinner with any five people from history, living or dead, so I chose Abraham Lincoln, John Dillinger, the Zodiac Killer, Marilyn Monroe, and my dear departed grandfather.

The genie said," You could choose five".

Killer Chihuahua

Guy walks into a bar and announced rather loudly, “Whomever had a German Shepard tied up outside, I regret to inform you that my Chihuahua has killed your dog.” The German Shepard owner pipes up saying, “There’s no way your Chihuahua could have killed my dog. My Shepard was a trained war dog. He fou...

Hitchhiker: Thanks for picking me up, but how do you know I'm not a serial killer?

Driver: Well, what would be the odds of two serial killers in the same car?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wounded soldier takes viagra by accident after thinking the pills were pain killers

He got battle-hardened by that experience

What pronouns do serial killers go by?

Man/slaughter

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Picked up a hitch-hiker.

Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

If you think about it, getting killed by the Zodiac Killer must suck…

Because imagine living your entire life up to that point just to be killed for being a Virgo.

Local Police Announcement "Serial killer wanted!"

I called immediately, but to my disappointment, it wasn't a job offering.

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

Why did the serial killer make a public broadcast?

He wanted to e-stab-lish himself.

Why don't pirates have any pain killers?

Because their parrots eat'em all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

There's a sick killer criminal in my town.

We sent him get well soon cards.

A guy walks into a prison

He gets off the bus and he meets this big brute infringe of him. The brute says
“What’s your crime and where are you from?”
The guy responds :
“Well I’m from Bradford, and I commuted arsine, but why? What do you need that for?”
The brute says: “well we all have nicknames, made from our c...

What's a Serial Killer's favorite Vegetable?

Arti*chokes*

The serial killer who used his car to run over people has finally been arrested

According to lawsuit analysts, he musthang.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

Did you hear the news about the guy who killed Tony the Tiger?

He's a cereal killer

A duo of serial killers got convicted. The sentence caused some debate.

The first one got 25 years. He put his victims in a bowl an drowned them in milk. The other one put the milk in first and got sentenced to death.

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

I'm desperately looking for my wife's killer...

I'm desperately looking for my wife's killer...
...its been 2 years already and no one wants to do it.

I spent years looking for my mother-in-laws killer

They were all asking for more money than I could afford.

Elon Musk wants to send people to mars

I think we can all agree that he is the most creative serial killer of all time.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

What do you call an Indian robot killer from the future?

Turbanator.

An entire cult of dead killer bees were found dead.

They are thought to have committed insecticide

If you are being chased by a serial killer.

Both of you are running for your life.

I have been looking for my wife’s killer for years now

Sadly no-one will take the job

I got caught stealing a killer whale made of mahogany.

That's orca wood.

Did anyone hear about the serial killer who is targeting Anti-Vaxxers?

Covid-19

Killer whales are great musicians but there's one instrument they just won't play

The orcana

Killer

A grandson asks his grandfather:

Grampa did you get to kill anyone when you were in the army?

Yes, I killed more than 50 men.

But I tought you were an helicopter mechanic!

Yes, but not a good one.

A serial killer started kidnapping and killing all female cousins of his mother & father.

When arrested and asked for reasons, he said, “I just heard that you need Aunty-bodies to build immunity against Covid.”

What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?

Wears Waldo.

Whats the last thing a serial killer hear before he kills his next victim?

Snap crackle pop

A serial killer was celebrating his cake day when he was nabbed by the police.

As he was escorted, he heard a voice shouted, “I’ve told you karma will come to bite you!”

What do yo get if you’re inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?

A lifetime dismembership.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my wife at the airport.

Whilst looking for her, I bumped into this guy who had also lost his wife somewhere in the airport.

I thought best course of action is to look for both wives together, so I asked him what his wife looks like so I can keep an eye out.

He said "She's 21, tanned skin, 5ft 8", with lon...

I stepped on a cereal once

Now iam a cereal killer

Prayers before going on a blind date

Woman : oh god, I just hope he is not a serial killer,psychopath,needy, incel, stalker, poor,balding, ...

Man : god , don't let her be fat..

What did the racist serial killer say to the cop?

“Wait, you’re getting paid?”

What do you call a serial killer who kills 2 people in one year, 4 the next, and 16 the year after?

A second degree murderer.

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer?

The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

I heard that 1 in every 5 people from a group have the potential to be a serial killer

So I killed them all just to be safe.

What do both teachers in the hallway and killers say?

"Stop running around the place, kid."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

After many years, I finally found my girlfriend's killer.

Nice guy, fair prices!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said I put chapstick on like a serial killer. I asked her "How do you know?"

She said "I don't know. It's just weird, like, you're trying too hard to look like you're not putting on lipstick"

"Oh... Okay. I was worried you found something in the basement."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do serial killers and ballsacks have in common? (nsfw)

They're both nutcases

Covid can't be beaten.

Unlike suspects. That's why Covid is the current #1 killer of cops in America.

Why can’t the cops ever catch overweight killers in the act?

They’re only looking for the active shooters

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

I've been looking for my wife's killer for an year now

I still cannot find one:(

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...no one would do it

My friend is planning to do vasectomies on killer whales.

But he prefers the term orchestrating

What do you call a lizard that's an assassin?

A cold-blooded killer

Why are there no female serial killers?

Why are there no female serial killers?



Because after completing the first kill, they can't help but tell others.

Why did the serial killer chicken cross the road?

To kill the chicken on the other side....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A serial killer was on trial....

The prosecution began its case.

"We allege the accused rendered the victim unconscious and then using his saw .."

At which point a guy at the back shouts out "you rotten bastard"

The judge calls for order and asks the spectators to refrain from shouting out.

The prosecuti...

My friend asked me if I believe in killer clowns

I replied, "No doubt about IT"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

who killed Julius caesar ?

a principal heard a teacher screaming in his class so he went to ask what was happening

the teacher replied to him " it's a disaster I can't continue doing this anymore "

the principal replied " what's the problem tell me maybe I can help "

the teacher nodded then called a stude...

I came back to work after a weeks vacation

Several of my customers asked "Haven't seen you in a while, where you been?"
I just said "I had to go back to the state I moved from to help locate a few homicide victims "

They said "Oh! Are you a forensics expert?"

I replied "No, serial killer "

Why serial killers only kill one person at a time

Coz if they killed more they would be parallel killers.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing music together?

An orca-stra!

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

hard to find coins, hard to find killer...

A rare coin dealer was found dead in his shop on thursday morning.

Police said he was beaten 'cent-less...'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The indicted serial killer was asked to stand. "You are charged with murdering a young schoolteacher with a chain saw," the judge intoned. "Lying bastard!" a man shouted from the gallery.

The judge fixed the unruly fellow with a
Stern stare, but continued. "You are also
charged with murdering a housewife with a
shovel.
"Damn tightwad!" the man bellowed.
"Sir," the judge warned, "you cannot disrupt
ihe court like this. Explain these outbursts."
"I've lived next do...

Did you hear about the serial killer who beat his victims to death with clocks?

He just wanted to kill some time.

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you’ve walked a mile in their skin...

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

What did the pain killer addicted Power Ranger say?

Its morphine time.

My friend was a violent serial killer...

Ended up getting caught some time back and sentenced to death by electric chair.

Fast-forward to day of execution.

Guard straps him in.

Guard: "Any last requests?"

Friend: "Remind me of buzzfeed clickbait articles 1 last time"

Guard: "The electric current is going ...

Stay Alert - The Bowling-Alley Killer is still at large ...

Police warn he may strike again.

A serial killer breaks into a couple's house and finds them getting ready for bed.

He points a gun at the wife and says, "What's your name?"

"Elizabeth," says the woman.

"I could never kill you," says the serial killer, tears in his eyes. "My mother's name was Elizabeth."

He then points the gun at the husband.

"And what's your name?"

"Dan," says ...

The killer was found to be completely insane.

So insane, in fact, I was able to convince him that he was guilty of the murder.

The police caught a serial killer who targeted gingers.

At his trial, he kept insisting he'd never harmed a soul.

So I was in a wrestling match in highschool

It was senior night, I was in the 185 lb weight class and our team desperately needed the points from my bout. The only problem was I up against killer Kenny D from Spartanburg. Dude was going Division 1 and was all state. I didn't think I had a chance against him and his signature pretzel move. Thi...

How come they never caught the Zodiac Killer?

Let's face it, all the signs were there.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

The private detective is called to a crime scene

As he enters the very large and rustic mansion, he is led to the location where the body was found. It seems like the perfect crime scene. No prints, no clues, just a dead man, with no signs of how he was murdered.

The detective says: “do you have any suspects?” The police officer in charge o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a cannibalistic Japanese serial killer who killed and ate my mother. I asked why he would do such a thing.

He said, I just love the taste of Umami.

I was prescribed a pain killer from my dentist but I found it difficult to get the lid off...

It was called Tryopenin

Thw detective knew immediately which ballerina was the killer.

Because guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Failed serial killer pick up line:

Hey baby, that dress looks good on you.

You know what else would look good on you?

Three feet of dirt.

What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?

Chick Fillet

You're walking through the woods late at night, and come across a group of killer clowns. What's the best move to keep yourself alive?

Go for the juggler.

A blonde a brunette and a redhead are running away from some killers...

... when they find themselves at the end of a dead end ally. They see 3 burlap sacks and hop in. The killers come over wondering where the ladies are and see the sacks.

One of the killers goes up the the brunettes bag and kicks it. “Woof woof” says the brunette. The killer then says “oh ther...

What do serial killers and people who eat fried chicken have in common?

They both think the skin is the best part.

Killer one liner.

Did you hear the one about the two dyslexics who walked into the bra?

If you're a Doctor, an Undertaker and a Contract Killer...

...you're gonna get paid anyway.

How did Epstien's killers make it look like a suicide?

They used A LOT of coverup

What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?

Go for the jugular

A serial killer is chasing 3 young women through a farm

The three young women are a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The three women run into a barn and find three barrels to hide in. The brunette jumps into a barrel labeled "chicks". The redhead into a barrel labeled "kittens", and the blonde into one labeled "potatoes".

The serial killer foll...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.