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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I ca...

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants

How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge. I didn’t say a word, said the third.

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Ten Lines to Get You Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.

2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.

3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him

4. I think laws are for sissies.

5. Would I have to bathe?

6. Can each of my personalities vote in t...

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

A defendant interrupts the judge: "Pardon me, sir," he starts.

"No." says the judge.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

The judge looked disapprovingly at the defendant

"How could you defraud the people who trusted you?"
"Your honour, how would I be able to defraud people who didn't trust me?"

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A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.<...

A judge asks the defendant, what is your name?

Mr. Fallcharges your honor. First name Freo.

So you're Freo Fallcharges.

Okay thanks, I am going to get going.

— Defendant, explain yourself, why did you rob the bank?

— Hey hey hey, he started it.

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Why did the defendant orgasm after he was acquitted?

He got off on a technicality.

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

Court proceedings were rescheduled because a juror appeared to have sprained his ankle upon entering the court chambers. It turns out he was related to the defendant, and he only pretended to be injured in an attempt to buy his relative more time. When the judge found this out, he punished the man.

Lucky for the man, a fake in jury isn’t a serious offense.

A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stu...

A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!”

“Your Honor,” the defendant says, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can ...

While on trial, the defendant shows up alone in a suit of armor. The judge is perplexed.

The judge, curious as to what the hell the defendant is doing, asks him why he's wearing the suit of armor.

The defendant announces,

"Your honor, I wish to defend myself!"

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

The defendant is accused of putting a stick of dynamite into a steer.

Abombinabull.

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

Happy early 4th of July everyone

And to those who've been a defendant a fourth time then happy 4th of jury

Take him down

In an English courtroom ....

Judge: before I pass sentence have you anything you wish to say?

Defendant: F**k all

Judge to clerk of court: What did he say!

Clerk to Judge: F**k all m’lud

Judge to clerk: He did you know, I saw his lips move.

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

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A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder

Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim?

Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!'

So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and ...

Man in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Judge says to the defendant, We find you not guilty: The guy then replies, does this mean I get to keep the money?

There was once a homeless man in a small town

Everybody knew him, everybody liked him, he never bothered anybody, until one day someone saw him down by the beach catching an osprey and cooking it up, and they called the cops. The cops arrived as he was finishing his meal, telling him "ospreys are protected animals around here. Sorry, but we got...

Judge: you are fined for drinking whilst driving...

Defendant: But i drank first, then i drove

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