UPJOKE
plaintiffsuspectprosecutorcourtlitigantprosecutionlawyercomplaintaccusedlawpleadguiltycriminal lawpleaacquittal

Defendant Jokes

Attorney confronts an 80-year-old old man defendant …

… who had been involved in an auto accident.

Atty: So how good would you say your vision is?

Man: Oh pretty good I would say

Atty: Is that so? So how far can you see?

Man: I can see the moon. How far is that?

A judge asks a defendant to stand...

"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!"

"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You...

“I OBJECT!” the defendant screams in court.

The judge gives her a very emotional hug and says, “No…you human.”

How did the judge understand that the defendant is Scottish?

He admitted his kilt.

Judge: Defendant, where's your lawyer?

Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't stole those 5 millions, he left me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A defendant was on trial for murder.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating his guilt, but there was no corpse. In his closing statement, the defense attorney resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,” he said. “I have a surprise for you all—within one minute, the person presumed dead wi...

A man is on trial for cannibalism. The judge asks what the defendant has to say for himself.

The man replies, "if you are what you eat, then I am the real victim here."

The murder trial

I finished a murder trial, I was representing the defendant. The only defence I had was that there was no body found. I knew I was going to lose the case, so for my closing argument, I looked at my watch and I told the jury the victim is going to walk through that door in a minute. The entire jury l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I ca...

The judge looked disapprovingly at the defendant

"How could you defraud the people who trusted you?"
"Your honour, how would I be able to defraud people who didn't trust me?"

A judge asks the defendant, what is your name?

Mr. Fallcharges your honor. First name Freo.

So you're Freo Fallcharges.

Okay thanks, I am going to get going.

A Defendant in a Lawsuit . . .

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stu...

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the defendant orgasm after he was acquitted?

He got off on a technicality.

— Defendant, explain yourself, why did you rob the bank?

— Hey hey hey, he started it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a judge…

…I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for thos...

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were...

During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."

A man was convicted of murdering his wife of 30 years

Before handing the sentence, the judge addressed the defendant: "The court would like you to explain what made you murder your wife after over 30 years of marriage".
"Well, your honor" answered the defendant "it's mostly procrastination. Every day I kept telling myself I'll do it tomorrow..."

The judge says "Order!"

The defendant spoke. He said, "Yeah, I'll take a cheeseburger with fries, and can I get a large Coca-Cola with that as well?"

A judge is reprimanding the defendant in a trial: “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again!”

“Your Honor,” the defendant says, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”

Open and Shut

A man’s wife disappears and he’s accused of killing her. At the trial, his lawyer tells the jury, “Ladies and gentlemen, I have amazing news. Not only is my client’s wife actually alive, but she’ll walk through that door in ten seconds."

An expectant silence settles over the courtroom, but no...

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

Stealing guitars

Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?

Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.

The cross-eyed judge looked at the 3 defendants

How do you plead? he asked the first man. Not guilty, said the second. I wasn’t talking to you, said the judge. I didn’t say a word, said the third.

Trial

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the t...

Guy in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Jury finds the man not guilty, Judge says to the defendant, the Jury have found you not guilty, you are free to leave: The Guy then asks, does this mean I get to keep the money?

Innocent

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believ...

How much English can you speak

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to　be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his　way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can ...

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

B'dum tsss

A collection of jokes I have found over the years about drummers.

**NOTE:** Before you get offended, I AM A DRUMMER. I FIND THESE FUNNY TOO.

1. What do you call a drummer in a suit? The defendant
2. How can you tell a drummer's at the door? The knocking speeds up
3. What do you c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man from the mountainous country of Georgia is on trial for murder

Judge: Defendant, what was your motive for killing the victim?

Georgian man: So, I leave home for store, right? But as I walk down the street, I go, 'Vaivaivai, [slams forehead] Gogi, you forgot your wallet!'

So I go back, but right before I come in, I look through the window, and ...

Q: What do you call a trucker wearing a suit and tie?

A: the defendant

Source: I'm a trucker. (reformed)


For the young and/or foreign:

Defendant - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defendant‎
In a criminal trial, a defendant is any person accused (charged) of committing an offence (a crime), an act ...

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

There was once a homeless man in a small town

Everybody knew him, everybody liked him, he never bothered anybody, until one day someone saw him down by the beach catching an osprey and cooking it up, and they called the cops. The cops arrived as he was finishing his meal, telling him "ospreys are protected animals around here. Sorry, but we got...

A man stands before a judge for his trial

Judge: Alright, what are the charges.

Defendant: Your honor, I am an innocent man. My only crime is doing my Christmas shopping early.

Judge: That's certainly not illegal. Out of curiosity, how early were you shopping.

Defendant: 3 hours before the store opened.

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

[long] A man who was suing over an automobile accident was being questioned by the defendant's lawyer.

"*Did you or did you not say at the time of the accident that you were not hurt*?"
"*I did*," replied the plaintiff.
"*But you see, it was like this: I was driving along the road with my old horse and wagon when along comes this car and knocks us into the ditch. You never saw such a horri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on trial for murdering his wife...

The judge looks down and reads the charges, "The defendant, Mr. William Jones, has been charged with bludgeoning his wife to death with a hammer. How do you plead?"

Before the defendant can answer a man at the back of the room cries out, "YOU BASTARD!"

"Order in this court room!" the j...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.