Survivor Jokes - 105 Hilarious Survivor Jokes

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven

A holocaust survivor dies of old age and goes to heaven. When he gets there he meets God and tells him a holocaust joke.

God says, “That’s not funny.”

And the man says, “I guess you had to be there. “

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm ...

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon meeting God, he decides to tell a Holocaust joke.

After hearing it, God said "Hey, that's not funny."

To which the Holocaust survivor replied, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

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So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up hi...

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An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Holocaust survivor dies

He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes.

God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.”

The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”

A ship sinks, there are three survivors…

…a Chinese guy, a British guy and an American guy.

They meet on a deserted island. Soon, they realize they have to find a wat to get off the island if they are going to survive this mess. They get together on the beach and tasks are divided. The Britton searces the island for wood to make a ...

A news headline reads: “Airliner crashes. No survivors expected…

Brazilian citizens among the dead”. I read it to my friend, and they exclaim: “OMG, how many is a Brazilian?!”.

What is a shark attack survivor's favorite coffee?

Half-caf. I'll see myself out.

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.

What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get?

Nom flashbacks.

I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.

What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?

"It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep unsatisfied.

The next day he tries again, but the dog is there, ...

(Headline) MINE EXPLOSION: SURVIVOR SPEAKS

Interviewer: How do you feel, having narrowly escaped such an unexpected, yet tragic, event?

Survivor: It was a mine-blowing experience.

*hope this hasn’t been posted yet

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean. The only survivors are five men and a gorgeous woman

After a few days they end up on a desert island. After several failed attempts to get in contact with the outside world, they give up and come to terms with the fact that they have to spend the rest of their lives on this island.

They quickly acquire the necessary skills to build houses and l...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

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A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

So many people are out on the street protesting Covid restrictions are calling themselves survivors of totalitarianism, but no one is talking about the real survivor of the pandemic:

Our livers!

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Plane crash survivor - in the jungle

A plane crashes in the middle of the jungle. Only one man survives. Members of a jungle tribe find the man and take him to their village. After a few weeks the survivor gets back on his feet only to realize that he is too far away to ever get back to a civilized part of the world. He starts to live ...

Why are 911 survivors the fastest readers?

They went through 87 stories in 7 seconds

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

What do you call survivors of brothel arson?

Pistachios

What does the shepherd call the sheep he just sold? Cashews

What’s another name for a pearl necklace? Chestnut

What’s on the other side of a gloryhole? Walnuts

What was the peeping Tom doing? Pecan

Please help me fill out my nut pun reper...

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A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

Survivors

A Canadian, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a deserted island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up l...

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...

And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

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A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

A plane crashed into an island and three friends were the only survivors

A blonde, redhead and brunette were left stranded on the island. Figured they would need help to get off the island, they split up to look any inhabitants that might help them.

The redhead stumbled on a magical lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie. "I will grant you one wish," said the genie....

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Survivor

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Scarlett Johansson.

They ...

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The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo

Sole Survivor

A rescue team arrives at the site of a crashed airplane to find only a single survivor. The rather haggard-looking man is found while chewing on a bone, with a rather large pile of human bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked.

"You can't judge me for this," the man says defensively. "I ...

The shoe factory burned down today. Sadly, there were no survivors.

Rest In Peace all those poor soles.

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Guy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck, and washes up on a desert island.

The only thing to eat are coconuts, from a single coconut tree on the other side of the island. However, there's a dog guarding the tree, and every time the guy climbs the tree to get a one, the dog bites him on the ass.

For ten months, the guy has to deal with the dog, whenever he wants to ...

A Group of Survivors Were on a Lifeboat.

When suddenly a boy fell in.

Everyone watched the boy struggled to float to the surface, when suddenly an old man jumps in.

He grabbed the boy and brought him back to the lifeboat. The others were praising the old man, when he turned around and said, 'Who pushed me in?'

A 90 Year Old Holocaust Survivor Told Me This One...

"Don't you think I have anything better to do than give 20 people on Reddit the same joke every day for the past 2 years?"

I watched a documentary about stroke survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

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Did you hear the one about the breast cancer survivor who got a tattoo??

It was a real tit for tat scenario.

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TEXAS SURVIVOR

Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amari...

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

3 Survivors

3 survivors of an airplane crash were walking on the desert. They were a banker, a drunkard and a miser.

All in a sudden they found a magical oil lamp, they rubbed the lamp, unexpectedly unleashing a genie, who revealed he would grant each of them three wishes.

The genie asked the bank...

Two friends go hunting....

While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.

The Survivor calls 911.

Survivor: “My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!”

911: “Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?”

***BANG***

Survivor: “Okay, no...

I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

I asked a Chernobyl survivor if he wanted to listen to a fun story,

He said he was all ears.

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the Mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now ...

A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors

6 Finger Death Punch

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A polio survivor walks into a bar......

Wait I fucked it up.

The Russians bombed a cemetery yesterday.

There were no survivors

Did you hear about the Dwarf Chernobyl survivor that went on to become a pop singer?

They're currently making microwaves in the industry.

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A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

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Cannibals and Shipwrecked Survivors

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are shipwrecked. They wash up onto a island that is inhabited by cannibals, and are captured. The cannibals string them up, and bring them before the High Shaman

"You have invaded our sacred lands," says the High Shaman. "We are going to kill you. W...

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"

Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

Two Roman sailors were the only survivors when their longship capsized.

When asked by the rescuing ship's commander how many survivors there were, they responded "II, sir!"

It’s not what it looks like…

At the final days of WW2 French troops are facing a German trench in 50 meters distance and can only see a single remaining German soldier hanging around there and smoking a cigarette. So with a megaphone they demand that he surrenders. In return they hear the guy shouting “One German soldier is sti...

A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...

He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.

When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple mach...

[OC] What do you call the last two survivors of a shipwreck?

Sole mates.

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

How do you know when it's time to get a new Dishwasher?

When she cheats on you.

...

^(That makes it okay, right?)

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

What does it mean when you lose a shoe but still survive?

You’re a sole survivor.

This new season of survivor is turning out better than I ever expected.

I was really worried when they announced Survivor: White House.

My mom always told me I was strong, and a survivor

...of an abortion

A plane crash survivor was asked how he survived the plain crash

Survivor: Luckily I fell on a fat lady and she cushioned my fall
Interviewer: What?! You fell on a fat lady?
Survivor: Yeah.
Interviewer: Did she survive?
Survivor: No, but you shouldn't feel bad. She was a cannibal.
Interviewer: What? How do you know that?
Survivor: Well, when I f...

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants" said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm a vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I wont" I said, as I picked up a rock.

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

My grandpa was one of the Holocaust survivors...

But then again, most guards survived.

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Some Jews are standing in a firing line (told to me by a Holocaust survivor)

So a bunch of Jews are standing in a firing line, lined up against a wall waiting to be executed.

The second-to-last Jew is watching as the Nazi soldiers patiently put 2 bullets in each head, slowly making their way down the line. Second-to-last Jew turns to the last guy in line and says, "I ...

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

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A Cruise Ship wrecks and 7 survivors make it to a nearby deserted island...

A cruise ship wrecked and 7 survivors made it to a nearby deserted island, 6 male and 1 female. As luck would have it the island had a freshwater lake and plenty of fruit trees to keep the survivors alive. After a few days of being stuck on the island the survivors began craving their animalistic ...

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

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A plane crashes into the Pacific: the captain, a steward and a stewardess are the only survivors

*I tried to translate this one from French as good as I could, so please forgive me if some things sounds weird*

They drift on the ocean for a few days before washing up on a desert island. Slowly, they started building a new life on the island: they build a shelter, they find a sou...

So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting...

The ham looks over at the turkey and says:

"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "

What meal was given out to the survivors of the Chernobyl accident?

Fission chips.

a plane crashed and every single person died, but how were there still survivors of the plane crash?

the married people on the plane survived

Survivors of a plane crash in the middle of nowhere suddenly ran out of food

"Since we have no more food, the only option we have is cannibalism" one person said.

"But I'm vegan" said his friend.

"It's okay, the guy on the wheelchair is a vegetable"

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.

The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.

The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

A plane crashed upon an uninhabited island.

Two survivors: a regular guy and Scarlett Johansson. Well, the two have built a hut while waiting for rescue, got enough to eat for now. A few weeks pass, they get lonely so they enter a relationship.

A couple more months pass, and Scarlett notices the guy become really brooding.

\- Wh...

Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors.

Those poor unfortunate soles.

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A black guy, a Mexican guy, and a white hillbilly are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Nevada desert.

As they attempt to walk back to civilization, they come across a genie lamp.

The genie pops out and offers to grant them each one wish.

The black guy steps forward and says "My people have been enslaved for centuries and oppressed for all of our history. We are treated like second-cla...

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.

One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

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Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing h...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are the only survivors of a plane crash in the desert

Though the ordeal has bonded them like brothers they're all now dying of thirst. It looks like it's all over until they find a magic lamp!

"I'll give each of you two wishes," says the genie.

The Englishman knows exactly what he wants. "I wish for a pint of ice cold lager and to be back...

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So there's this terrible shipwreck, with only three survivors - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey.

So there's a terrible shipwreck, and there are only three survivors that wash up onto a desert island - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey. They're immediately captured by cannibals and spend days locked in a cage, awaiting their fate. Finally the Chief of the cannibals comes t...

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

The only known survivor of both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bombs lived to the age of ninety-three with only a slightly deaf ear.

He didn’t really mind, though, since the other 3 worked fine.

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Stranded

So a plane crashes near a deserted island, and the only survivors are Megan Fox and a guy named Bill. So for months, Bill builds her a shelter, catches fish, cooks, and takes care of Megan, while being a perfect gentleman.

So then Megan approaches Bill one night, and they make passionate lov...

There was a woman with 100 children.

She lacked the creativity to name all of them so she just names them 1-100. 99 of the kids die. The only survivor is the kid named 90. 90 grows up and has kids of her own. One day, the kids find a stray dog. 90 did not want them to keep it. The kids decide to keep the dog secretly. They name the dog...

Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:

"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"

A bomb fell on the cemetery last night

Reporters say: all dead, no survivors

A group of people are teleported to hell...

Satan sucks the life spirit out of all of them, but one.

He was the soul survivor.

It turns out I was guilty of a major misconception with this whole abortion thing

I thought "Row vs Wade" was a decision shipwreck survivors had to make

A man is stranded on an island

A plane flying nearby see's his smoke signal and goes to his aid. Upon landing the pilot see's three huts.

"Thank you for saving me! I've been here longer than I can remember. " The man says.

"Where are the other survivors?" The pilot asks.

"It's just me, myself and I" says th...

There was a shipwreck off a deserted island in the middle of nowhere! The only survivors were three boys named Mike, Kyle, and Nate. After the wreck the boys decided to wander the island to see if they could find some food...

As the boys were wandering the island one of the boys stepped on a lamp and began to rub it when out of nowhere a genie popes out and grants them three wishes. They all think about it for a while until they came to the conclusion that they all get one wish. The first wish was Nate’s and he said that...

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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

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