This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A plane crashed into an island and three friends were the only survivors

A blonde, redhead and brunette were left stranded on the island. Figured they would need help to get off the island, they split up to look any inhabitants that might help them.

The redhead stumbled on a magical lamp, rubbed it and out came a genie. "I will grant you one wish," said the genie....

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Jewish friend says this is a non-offensive Holocaust joke

A Holocaust survivor died recently. Goes to Heaven and upon meeting God, he decided to tell a Holocaust joke. Then God said "That's not funny", to which the Jew replied "Oh, I guess you had to be there".

What does a survivor of the Food Onomatopoeia war get?

Nom flashbacks.



I know I'm getting reported for this one, but you know you like them. Upvote this you cowards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus crashes, and everyone onboard dies, the only survivor is a monkey. A cop comes to interrogate the monkey...

Monkeys can't speak, just picture the gestures...

Cop: So what did you see?

Monkey: places fingers to lips and sucks in

Cop: So they were doing drugs?

Monkey: nods yes

Cop: So what else did you see?

Monkey: cups hand up to lips and tilts head back

Cop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck, and washes up on a desert island.

The only thing to eat are coconuts, from a single coconut tree on the other side of the island. However, there's a dog guarding the tree, and every time the guy climbs the tree to get a one, the dog bites him on the ass.

For ten months, the guy has to deal with the dog, whenever he wants to ...

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking wehn one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says ‟Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, ‟should we do it??” The other says ‟NO!! Are you crazy?” The first guy replies ‟Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I am gon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

(Headline) MINE EXPLOSION: SURVIVOR SPEAKS

Interviewer: How do you feel, having narrowly escaped such an unexpected, yet tragic, event?

Survivor: It was a mine-blowing experience.

*hope this hasn’t been posted yet

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

A man, a dog, and a goat are the only survivors of a shipwreck

They end up on a deserted island. After a few weeks, the man is feeling very lonely and starts looking at the goat in a new light. One day he tries to have his way with it but the dog growls and scares him off. He goes to sleep un...

Holocaust survivor dies

He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes.

God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.”

The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane ditches off the coast of a deserted tropical island. The pilot, the co-pilot and a hot stewardess are the only survivors...

They start to set up camp. John, the pilot builds a hut, Jack, the co-pilot does his best in hunting and gathering, and Jane a campfire going. The eat all together, look at the stars and ponder on their new fate. After nightfall, they get into the hut, cuddle to keep warm and fall asleep.

The...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

The shoe factory burned down today. Sadly, there were no survivors.

Rest In Peace all those poor soles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only survivor of a shipwreck washes up on a deserted island

He’s stranded alone on the island for over ten years surviving on coconuts and fish. One day he’s sitting on the beach thinking about life back home when a woman in a wetsuit and scuba gear stands up in the ocean and starts walking out of the surf, fins in hands. The man shakes his head and blinks h...

What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?

"It was shockingly powerful... Like, it really Hertz."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the breast cancer survivor who got a tattoo??

It was a real tit for tat scenario.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors: Jim, Tom, and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt that having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral...

A train's co-conductor spotted a landmine on the train tracks up ahead.

"MINE!" the co-conductor shouted.
"What's that?" the head conductor asked cynically. "I thought I've already made it clear that this train is mine. Is that cle-"

Suddenly, the train ran over the landmine, creating a massive explosion, leaving an unfortunate amount of survivors. The head ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking bette...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. The father added, "First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing....

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed

With no survivors.


Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, "My wife missed the bus."

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

There was a shipwreck off a deserted island in the middle of nowhere! The only survivors were three boys named Mike, Kyle, and Nate. After the wreck the boys decided to wander the island to see if they could find some food...

As the boys were wandering the island one of the boys stepped on a lamp and began to rub it when out of nowhere a genie popes out and grants them three wishes. They all think about it for a while until they came to the conclusion that they all get one wish. The first wish was Nate’s and he said that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane went down over the ocean, and three of the survivors end up stranded on a remote tropical island.

They don't get very far before a tribe of cannibals capture them and bring them back to their village as prisoners. One of the men says "Please don't eat us! We'll do anything!". The cannibal's chief decides to have a bit of fun with them and says "Oh? Well then, go into the forest and come back wit...

I asked a Chernobyl survivor if he wanted to listen to a fun story,

He said he was all ears.

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

A Group of Survivors Were on a Lifeboat.

When suddenly a boy fell in.

Everyone watched the boy struggled to float to the surface, when suddenly an old man jumps in.

He grabbed the boy and brought him back to the lifeboat. The others were praising the old man, when he turned around and said, 'Who pushed me in?'

Two of us washed up on a desert island, the only survivors of a shipwreck.

"There's no animals here but there's plenty of fruit and plants," said the other bloke, "this is Paradise because I'm vegan."

He laughed and said, "You'll have to become vegan too."

"No, I won't," I said, as I picked up a rock

Did you hear about the Dwarf Chernobyl survivor that went on to become a pop singer?

They're currently making microwaves in the industry.

Why are 911 survivors the fastest readers?

They went through 87 stories in 7 seconds

I asked 50 lighting strike survivors about the impact it had on their lives...

The results were shocking.

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

Survivor: Texas Edition

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Edition".

The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas then drive a circuit to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Brownsville, Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, Amarillo, Abilen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a holocaust survivor wins the lottery...

So Moishe wins the lottery, reporters start asking this Holocaust survivor about his plans for the money. without hesitation he says he is going to commission a statue of adolf Hitler... the reporters are stunned and ask why a survivor of such an atrocity would do such a thing. Moishe rolls up hi...

A plane crashes on the border of Canada and the U.S. Where do they bury the survivors?

Doesn't matter as long as they aren't caught

An englishman gets lost at sea

There's a ship that's been sent to another continent to bring goods there. During the travels the ship gets into a storm, and is crushed against the rocks. The only man who survives is an englishman, and now he's on a deserted island all alone.

After two months the other party at the contine...

Survivors of Cannibalism hate Twitter

Hashtag MeatToo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Plane crash survivor - in the jungle

A plane crashes in the middle of the jungle. Only one man survives. Members of a jungle tribe find the man and take him to their village. After a few weeks the survivor gets back on his feet only to realize that he is too far away to ever get back to a civilized part of the world. He starts to live ...

A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...

He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.

When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple mach...

A British couple are on a cruise ship. It sinks, and they're the only survivors left, managing to get on a boat

They can spot land not far off. They try as hard as they can to use the oars, but they won't budge.


The wife has an idea, she calls her husband useless and incompetent. The husband retorts and a huge argument begins.


The boat inches slowly towards land. The more they argue and ...

Santas reindeer get lost on a flight one night and don't return to the pole. After being missing for weeks, they are found, the only survivor being Donner. When asked how he survived, he replied:

"They don't call me Donner for nothin'"

[OC] What do you call the last two survivors of a shipwreck?

Sole mates.

I watched a documentary about stroke survivors last night.

It was a bit one sided.

Why do Breast Cancer survivors not like to talk about their treatment of the cancer?

It brings them bad mammaries.

A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors. “I’m done for,” the man cries in despair. “No, you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.” The man does what he is told, t...

A 90 Year Old Holocaust Survivor Told Me This One...

"Don't you think I have anything better to do than give 20 people on Reddit the same joke every day for the past 2 years?"

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs.

Once there was a man and he had 5 dogs. Every day he went walking with the dogs. Once day, he met a woman with 5 cats. They got talking and soon they were meeting everyday. They walked from the local supermarket, past the bar and down to the church. They got married and all five dogs married a cat e...

I am one of the only survivors of the Kursk submarine incident. Ask Me Anything!

Whoops, wrong sub.

Mary Pennington, the oldest survivor of the Titanic, died this week at the age of 106.

Sad in any case, but what really made it tragic is that she was only a quarter mile from shore.

a plane crashed and every single person died, but how were there still survivors of the plane crash?

the married people on the plane survived

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black guy, a Mexican guy, and a white hillbilly are the only survivors of a plane crash in the Nevada desert.

As they attempt to walk back to civilization, they come across a genie lamp.

The genie pops out and offers to grant them each one wish.

The black guy steps forward and says "My people have been enslaved for centuries and oppressed for all of our history. We are treated like second-cla...

This new season of survivor is turning out better than I ever expected.

I was really worried when they announced Survivor: White House.

Survivors

A Canadian, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a deserted island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane crashes into the Pacific: the captain, a steward and a stewardess are the only survivors

*I tried to translate this one from French as good as I could, so please forgive me if some things sounds weird*



They drift on the ocean for a few days before washing up on a desert island. Slowly, they started building a new life on the island: they build a shelter, they find a sou...

Three Germans walk in to a BAR.

There were no survivors.

What does a cancer survivor who just baked a pumpkin pie say?

"I made it."

Credit to my wonderful brother.

The Only Malaysian Airlines Survivor

Please spare a thought and your sympathy for the man who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines flight MH370...

And now can't come out of his girlfriend's apartment.

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"

Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

Breaking News! Ursula the Sea Witch has taken over and destroyed the local shoe factory. There were no survivors.

Those poor unfortunate soles.

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

A metal band comprised of Chernobyl survivors

6 Finger Death Punch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbi goes on a cruise.

Midway through the trip, a severe storm sinks the ship and the Rabbi finds himself the lone survivor on his life boat. Starving and dehydrated, his life boat beaches on an unexplored island populated by natives.

They take him in, and nurse him back to health. Over the course of months he is...

That was your greatest trick.

There was once a magician who performed sleight-of-hand tricks on a cruise ship. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Cruise Ship wrecks and 7 survivors make it to a nearby deserted island...

A cruise ship wrecked and 7 survivors made it to a nearby deserted island, 6 male and 1 female. As luck would have it the island had a freshwater lake and plenty of fruit trees to keep the survivors alive. After a few days of being stuck on the island the survivors began craving their animalistic ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there's this terrible shipwreck, with only three survivors - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey.

So there's a terrible shipwreck, and there are only three survivors that wash up onto a desert island - a French guy, a British guy, and a guy from New Jersey. They're immediately captured by cannibals and spend days locked in a cage, awaiting their fate. Finally the Chief of the cannibals comes t...

The only known survivor of both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki atomic bombs lived to the age of ninety-three with only a slightly deaf ear.

He didn’t really mind, though, since the other 3 worked fine.

Survivors of a plane crash in the middle of nowhere suddenly ran out of food

"Since we have no more food, the only option we have is cannibalism" one person said.

"But I'm vegan" said his friend.

"It's okay, the guy on the wheelchair is a vegetable"

A plane crash survivor was asked how he survived the plain crash

Survivor: Luckily I fell on a fat lady and she cushioned my fall
Interviewer: What?! You fell on a fat lady?
Survivor: Yeah.
Interviewer: Did she survive?
Survivor: No, but you shouldn't feel bad. She was a cannibal.
Interviewer: What? How do you know that?
Survivor: Well, when I f...

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

How do you know when it's time to get a new Dishwasher?

When she cheats on you.

...

^(That makes it okay, right?)

My mom always told me I was strong, and a survivor

...of an abortion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a cat, a cow and a horse who lived on a farm.

It was a massive farm in Virginia which spanned a few acres, and every day the three animals would work on the farm. Even though it was exhausting, it was very rewarding.

One day, the cat decided to take the day off. While the cow and the horse worked on the farm, the cat sat down and watche...

So a turkey and a ham are walking into a cancer survivors meeting...

The ham looks over at the turkey and says:

"What are you doing here? You aren't cured. "

Scientists say there are 6 people who look the same as you.

Unfortunately, i'm the last survivor.

I’m working on a dating app for holocaust survivors

Cindr

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A polio survivor walks into a bar......

Wait I fucked it up.

3 Survivors

3 survivors of an airplane crash were walking on the desert. They were a banker, a drunkard and a miser.

All in a sudden they found a magical oil lamp, they rubbed the lamp, unexpectedly unleashing a genie, who revealed he would grant each of them three wishes.

The genie asked the bank...

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.

"...Two chapels?"...

My grandpa was one of the Holocaust survivors...

But then again, most guards survived.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Survivor

A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island. After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Scarlett Johansson.

They ...

Sole Survivor

A rescue team arrives at the site of a crashed airplane to find only a single survivor. The rather haggard-looking man is found while chewing on a bone, with a rather large pile of human bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked.

"You can't judge me for this," the man says defensively. "I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cannibals and Shipwrecked Survivors

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are shipwrecked. They wash up onto a island that is inhabited by cannibals, and are captured. The cannibals string them up, and bring them before the High Shaman

"You have invaded our sacred lands," says the High Shaman. "We are going to kill you. W...

The world's scariest boxing partner

You know who's tough to beat in a fight? Elton John. Even when you think you've got him beat, he's still standing, better than he's ever been; looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid.

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

A plane with famous and influential politicians onboard crashes into a field.

When the authorities arrive they find no survivors or dead bodies on the spot. It soon turns out that a local farmer buried them a bit further away.

The investigators ask him if he is sure there were no survivors, but he confirms that he buried each of them with his two hands.

The doct...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

I just submitted my application to be on the next season of Survivor...

Which apparently was not the answer my dad was looking for when he asked "How is the job search going?"

What meal was given out to the survivors of the Chernobyl accident?

Fission chips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TEXAS SURVIVOR

Texas is trying to capitalize on the popularity of the show "Survivor" by hosting its own version.

Contestants will have to drive from Amarillo and visit checkpoints in the following cities, Lubbock - Dallas - Waco - Austin - Houston - Laredo - San Antonio - El Paso and finish back in Amari...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave gets shipwrecked and stranded on a small tropical island...

... he sets out to explore his new surroundings, and finds another survivor. It's Taylor Swift. He's a bit star-struck at first, but manages to pull it together enough to help her up off the shore.

He manages to build a hut for shelter, and starts a fire for warmth overnight, and finds edib...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A large procession of cruise ships heads out to sea.

A massive storm suddenly appeared soon after the boats departed. A ship's hull began to display large cracks, and water flooded the interior. Most of the passengers made it to the deck in time, and climbed frantically aboard the lifeboats as another cruise ship started to capsize, its panicked passe...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.