Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

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When I pass gas and people look to me as if I was the culprit,

I blame the asshole behind me.

Pablo Picasso was once mugged in the street...

When the police questioned him on the appearance of the culprit, he did the reconstruction sketch himself.

The investigation went rather quickly. On the first day, the police had already arrested 3 handicapped people, 3 elderly women, 2 fish, and a sewing machine.

Tragedy in the Finger Kingdom occurred today.

Most of the Royal Family was murdered. The King, the Queen, and both of their daughters were killed during a Royal Feast.

Investigators were able to find and arrest the culprit quickly. Apparently, he didn't get rid of the Finger Prince.

Rhonda in the pub

Rhonda wandered down to her local public house, for one of their themed dining nights.

Tonight was Chiili, paired with either rum , absinthe or gin. As she entered, she encountered the fragrant aroma of spicy beef and beans, although there was also the faint undernotes of an aroma associated...

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

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A woman traveling in the bus needs to pee badly

She asks the driver to stop the bus. He says that they are running late and he can not stop the bus and that she will have to do it some other way.

Keeping everyone's comfort in mind, she decides that she will simply pee out of the window. So she goes to the end of the bus and relieves hersel...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars

Police have been working tirelessly to find the culprit

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Slank you my king, slank you

**Disclaimer**: *This one is from my high school days and I thought I'll share it here. Hope the translation do justice.*

The king was very aware that his queen was sleeping around with most of his ministers when he was away. He decided to punish every minister who had an affair with his wife...

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

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A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

There was a fire at a mattress factory.

No one could rest until they found the culprit.

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"A razor up the queen's vagina"

In a kingdom far far away, there lived a king and a queen. The king was always under the suspicion that the queen might be cheating on him with some of the knights of his court.

One day, he needed to go to the neighbouring kingdom to meet with the king who ruled over there. Before setting of...

A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.

The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,"Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit."
"I'm real sorry about that neighbor, I'll try to keep him penned up."
"Next time,as God as my witness, I'll shoot that dog of yours,"and his neighbor storms off...

A naked woman robbed a bank today...

When authorities asked about the culprit no one could remember her face

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A childhood story my teacher shared

My intercultural communication teacher told us this today. Thought I'd share.

When he was about 16, he and his friends got the bright idea of egging some military vehicle. Once the eggs flew and hit their mark, a few marines in training around their early 20s rushed from the vehicle and appre...

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20-Year double-blind university study in Sweden on the effects of diet on sex drive

Have you heard about this new study?

Researchers in Sweden tracked 2,000 couples from the moment they first started dating out to twenty (20) years forward.

Obviously, most of the couples ended up getting divorced, but their behavior and health was still tracked throughout the study....

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A well dressed guy walks into a bar.

He orders a double Scotch straight up, and relaxes at the bar. It's almost empty at this hour, and the barkeep is at the other end washing glassware. As the man takes a sip of his drink he hears a quiet little voice saying "Nice suit you're wearing". The man looks around and sees no one. He says to ...

A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.

The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.

It was a brief case.

Court Hearing in Helsinki

The judge questions the culprit:
"Where have you been in the night of the 4th November to 11th February?"

The Wan family is sharing their home and a nice dinner with the Version family when a knock can be heard at the door.

Mr. Wan opens the door to a local police officer.

The officer says, "Good evening sir. We received a report of a mugging in this very neighborhood and are investigating the area to hopefully discover the true story of the event. Mind if I ask a few questions?"

Mr. Wan replies, "Well I...

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"Heaven is getting too crowded"

St. Peter tells 3 men who died near the same time, "So we can only let in one of you. Each of you will tell me how you died, and whoever died in the worst way gets in." * The first guy enters St. Peters office and begins his story. "There I was painting the balcony of my 14th story apartment, I l...

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It was a wonderful morning and Trump stepped out ..

Of the White House to feel the warm sunshine on his face. He noticed something written on the wall and moved closer. There it was, someone had pissed the words, "Trump Sucks" on the garden wall. Furious, Trump called up the CIA, NSA, EPA, the DC police and demanded that the culprit be found and brou...

no further questions, your honor

Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?

Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.

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A high school janitor goes to the principal's office

He tells the principal how the girls won't stop kissing the bathroom mirrors everyday to leave their lipstick marks, and how it is difficult to clean. The principal announces over the loudspeaker at the beginning of the day and tells the culprits to stop immediately. Things just got worse after this...

Three men are waiting to get into heaven...

And St. Peter stops them at the gate and says, "I'm sorry we're almost at our quota of people we're going to let into heaven today, so only the man who had the worst time getting here is going to get in. "

The first man steps up and says, "That has to be me. I came home from work early and I ...

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A pastor uses the church's restroom before morning service begins.

As he's finishing up in the stall, he hears fast breathing and grunting in the stall next to him, and realizes that whoever's in there is masturbating. He exits his stall and washes his hands, then he hears the toilet flush and the culprit steps out of his stall. It's Jim, an 11 year old boy.
...

After the dwarfs numbers dwindled from 50 to 8...

The seven dwarfs begin to suspect Hungry was the culprit.

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Why dogs smell each others butts

The day God created the Dog he had all dogs in heaven gathered in one place so he could speak to them, of course the place was noisy and messy and one dog was howling, while two were fighting over a bone, others were chasing cherubs and, you get the picture…so God, who had been trying to get their a...

At The Zoo

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of th...

Holmes is on the case...

Sherlock Holmes is investigating a murder where the culprit had used a knife carved from Sandstone.
Dr. Watson finds the choice of murder weapon odd.
"Holmes, who would kill another man with an Igneous rock?"
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson, Sedimentary..."

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