If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

What do you call a bank robbery committed by a ghost?

A Polterheist

A cop was interviewing a witness to a bank robbery...

Cop: Did you see the robbers?

Witness: Sort of. There were three guys wearing ski masks and an elephant.

Cop: An elephant?!

Witness: Yeah, an elephant.

Cop: Was it an African or Indian elephant?

Witness: I didn't ask where it was from.

Cop: No, Afric...

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

I started keeping a Glock with me since the attempted robbery years ago...

I've been more successful in taking people's belongings since!

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I heard they were making a new Power Rangers show, so I checked it out.

Since the producers wanted to show to be more fluid to all people, they decided to bring in new rangers. They had all the usual colored rangers, but then they started to add a few more as the show went on.


There were three new rangers that had different disabilities. One was colored ora...

Bank robbery...

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors

But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

If you see a robbery in an Apple store,

Does that make you an iWitness?

Did you hear about the attempted art robbery at the Tate?!

They ran out of fuel halfway through their getaway, and were found two streets away. When they were interrogated, they said:"We didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

During an armed robbery at a bank, one teller hissed and whispered to the next teller.

"Here are the 100 bucks I owe you."

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This is a robbery!

A man storms into a bank with a ski mask over his head and a shotgun.

"This is a robbery" the man shouts. "Open the vault!!"

The receptionist stands still looking at the robber questionably.

"We don't have any money here sir" the receptionist replies. "This is a sperm bank..."...

Inspired by Money Heist: What do you call a bank robbery with no blood spilt?

A stainless steal.

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

Man in court for bank robbery.

After 3 weeks of trial the Judge says to the defendant, We find you not guilty: The guy then replies, does this mean I get to keep the money?

woman pregnant with triplets is shot in the belly 3 times after robbery

she has a healthy pregnancy with no complications and gives birth to 2 girls and a boy. 15 years passes and one of the daughters runs to the mother crying saying that she was peeing and a bullet came. The mother finds this mildly amusing and begins to tell the story that took place 15 years ago. A c...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"

The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robber...

My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away.

Now he's Juanted

I wanted my friend to resume the tv show about a bank robbery.

I guess I wanted him to de-pause-it.

I was going to tell you all a joke about a garden robbery

But I don’t want you to take a fence

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A woman pregnant with triplets goes into a grocery store and gets shot 3 times in the stomach during a robbery...

She is rushed to the hospital and all known tests are run on her. The doctor approaches her and tells her the children are all fine, but it's too late in the pregnancy to safely remove the bullets. They would fall out in their own time.

The woman gives birth to 3 healthy kids. Two girls, and ...

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck we're in the middle of a robbery...

Bugs Bunny asked Daffy, "Is this whiskey?"

Daffy answered, "Of course it's whiskey, but it's safer than wobbing a bank"

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

Did you hear about the failed robbery on the liquor store?

They are still looking for the guy, apparently he got away scotch-free.

A lady pregnant with triplets goes into a bank where there is a robbery

She gets shot 3 times and is rushed to the hospital and there the doctor tells her the she will be fine and so will her children but when there older they will need to remove the bullets.

12 years pass and one day one of the children walks runs to the mom

S1: Mommy mommy I peed out a b...

Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

For the perfect robbery you need a truck driver

they always find a way to be in places they shouldn't be

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A pregnant woman was walking past the bank one day when she heard three gun shots...

The woman awoke to the sound of small voice cooing as she slowly tried to grasp her surroundings. As she awoke, laying in a hospital bed, in pain and confusion, the doctor explained that she was caught in the crossfire of an active bank robbery and was shot in the stomach 3 times. Miraculously, the...

2 thieves are planning a robbery on a probability shop

One of them, unsure, says:
"I dunno man, I don't wanna take any chances"

Friend: Did you hear about the robbery at the movie theatre the other day?

Me: No, what?

Friend: Yeah, apparently they stole more than $1000 worth of stuff

Me: Oh my god, what stuff?

Friend: 5 cokes and 10 popcorns

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There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

There was a robbery at the police station. They stole a bunch of toilet seats.

Unfortunately, they don't have anything to go on.

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One day, a woman finds herself in an armed robbery at her local bank.

She's pregnant with triplets, and has a hard time getting to the ground then the robbers ask her to get down. In a frenzy, she is shot three times in the stomach, and is rushed to the hospital.



While she's there, the doctors find that the babies are all still okay. But the doctor tell...

Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...

Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

Last week I got a picture framed

Now it's doing 10 years for armed robbery but swears that it's innocent

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PUBLIC NOTICE FOR MEN: DO NOT GO ALONE WHEN BUYING GROCERIES. YOU MAY BE ROBBED.

Men of Reddit!

There is a new robbery trend out there targeting men. I think you all should be aware of the new technique they are using to rob us. I've been a victim!!!

This is how they do it: while you are putting your grocery bags in your car at the parking lot, three extremely sexy...

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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
<...

A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.

Because he couldn’t see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.



Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn’t seen since before the robbery. His friend said, “Why did you do this?” The robber replied, “I didn’t know it was agains...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW][long] A woman pregnant with triplets is shot in a bank robbery...

She goes to the doctor.

The woman is in a stable condition, but the doctor says that her children will simply urinate out the bullets in their teenage.

17 years later, the mother's first daughter comes and tells the mother

"Mom... I was in the bathroom and a bullet came out of m...

I started carrying a gun after being involved in an attempted robbery a few months ago.

Ever since, my robberies have been going a whole lot better.

The U.K. police are looking for a robbery suspect that looks like “Ross” from Friends.

No one ever told him life was gonna be this way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of prisoners is in their rehabilitation meeting.

Their task for the day is to each stand up in turn, speak his name and admit to his fellow inmates what crime he has committed.

The first prisoner stands and says, "My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder!" Everyone gives him approving look and pats him on the back for admitting his wrongdoi...

If I’m guilty of anything; it’s caring too much...

**judge:** No, it’s armed robbery.

**me: [slams fist on table]** about money!

So Two guys are sitting in a prison cell.

the small guy turns to the larger guy and asks
*"So what are you in for then?"*


*"armed bank Robbery, theft of a vehicle, and assault of an officer."*
the large guy replies, with a rather solemn look.
The smaller guy nods and says *"oh.. how long are ya in for?"*
...

Light robbery

A man came home completely delighted when he realised someone had stole the light bulbs

During a bank robbery

The mask on one of the robbers had slid down, revealing his face.


The robber, in a panic, looked at a man and asked "Did you see my face?"


The man said "Yes", so the robber shot him.


Then he asked a woman. "Did you see my face? "


She said "no, but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman walks into a bank...

While in the bank a group of robbers come in and demanded everyone to hit the ground and the tellers empty the tills. When the lady couldn't get down fast enough one of the robbers panicked and shot her three times in her belly and caused her to collapse. When she woke up hours later she found the r...

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

The thief pulled out his gun, pointed it at the art gallery manager and said

"This is a robbery, give me all your monet!"

Did you hear about the bank robbery in Seaside Heights?

It was a Jersey Score!

I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago

Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

Blonde: [pointing gun in air] "EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS A ROBBERY"

Kid: "hey, this is a library"
Blonde: "oh" [screwing on a silencer] "ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵇᵒᵈʸ ᶫᶦˢᵗᵉᶰ ᵘᵖ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᶦˢ ᵃ ʳᵒᵇᵇᵉʳʸ"

A group of amputees have escaped after a violent bank robbery,

one armed and dangerous.

Robbery gone right

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money." The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

Bank Robbery Gone Bad

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the ba...

Bank robbery suspect

A bank in Manhattan was robbed by a naked woman yesterday.
"It is likely she'll never be caught" said Police "No one could remember her face."

A robbery

Late one night a robber stops a well dressed man and sticks a gun in his ribs.

“Give me your money,” the robber demanded.

“You can’t do this, I’m a US congressman!” The man replies.

The robber smiles, “Well, in that case, give me MY money!”

Irish bank robbery

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.

The robbers c...

There was a warning of robbery...

I heard that there was a dwarf mystic that was being invited into houses to communicate with the dead.

When they had the lights off and everybody’s eyes closed, the mystic would grab everything they could and make a break for it.

My neighbors fell for it and when the police arrived th...

Yesterday two guys with facemasks enter the bank I work at.

Thankfully it was just a regular robbery.

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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work...

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls the police station to report a house robbery

Man: an Asian man just broke into my house and took my wife's jewelry!

Operator: how do you know he is Asian?

Man: he's still trying to back out of my driveway!

Yesterday I heard there was a robbery at a bakery, I've heard of stupid crimes...

But this one really takes the cake.

Someone told me that if you hold a Shell up you can hear the sea.

All i got was 6 years for armed robbery.

Bank Robbery

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes fill with full cups of Yogurt. One of them said: "We didn't find any money, but something to eat" They eat those Yogurt and leave.

Next Morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman gets caught in the crossfire of a bank robbery...

She gets shot, and wakes up in the hospital only to see a doctor standing next to her bed. "Wha-what happened? What's going on?" She says. To which the doctor replies, busy and indifferent, "Well, I have good news and bad news...the good news is your pregnancy is unaffected and you will have your tr...

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Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

Bank robbery

Lem: "I got fired from my job as a bank guard."

Clem: "That's awful. What happened?"

Lem: "Well, a thief came in, and I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it."

Clem: "What did the thief do then?"

Lem: "He took one more step, so I let h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sperm Bank Robbery

A woman is working the desk at a sperm bank. Suddenly, a man wearing a ski mask and carrying a handgun bursts through the door and points his gun at the woman.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a SPERM bank."

"I do...

There was a robbery at the Police station.

There was a robbery at my local Police Station the other day. The thieves stole the toilet seat and the cops don't have anything to go on... There's just a big hole now and the cops are looking into it!

Whos on first recreation

Hello 911 what's your emerengcy?

There's some people over here robing the bank

Sir I got you using your cellphone where's the bank?

It's the Wellsfargo on Main st

Are you inside the building?

Yeah I'm hiding but they have hostages

Ok sir stay on the line I'm...

What was Pinocchio's defense when he was tried for armed robbery?

well, Geppetto was the one pulling the strings

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

What do you call a robbery of Italian ice cream?

Grand Theft Gelato

Paddy goes to court for armed robbery!

Paddy goes to court for armed robbery!
The jury foreman comes out and announced
"Not Guilty"
"That's Grand", shouted Paddy!
"Does that mean I can keep the money?"

The Bank Robbery

A ginger, a brunette, and a blonde rob a bank. They make their getaway on foot, but the police are quick to arrive and make chase.

The bank robbers make a wrong turn down an alley and find themselves at a dead end. They furiously look around for a place to hide and see only 3 potato sacks. Th...

Paddy O’Toole stood awaiting the verdict of his trial

The judge proclaimed: Patrick O’Toole, there is sufficient evidence to acquit you on all charges. This court finds you innocent of all crimes related to this bank robbery.

Paddy replied: You mean I am free to go?

Judge: Yes. You are free to go.

Paddy: Does this mean I get to ke...

Daylight robbery...

I got robbed today at Shell gas station.
I called the cops, and they asked if I knew who did it.

I said, "Yeah, pump 6."

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My American friend told me this

So There was a bank robbery with three hostages. A woman was pregnant but shot 3 times. She was rushed to hospital. She was fine same with here children. The doctor said to the proud mother the children will pee out bullets when they are 15. Well they all turned fifteen and were very healthy. The ...

What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?

Unlawful includes things like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick bird.

Cheesy joke:

A long time ago, the Swiss was robbing a bank. Minutes after the robbery, some Blue cheese showed up on the scene, and caught the Swiss. They drew their gun and said:

“Gouda hell, Swiss.”

And filled him with holes, but Swiss got away.

A man smokes some weed and goes to buy some protein powder

He gets to the store but realizes that protein powder is super expensive. He decides to steal it, as it was a high whey robbery

Did you hear about the guy caught stealing a statue?

The robbery was a bust.

Someone broke into our shop and stole all 31 flavors of ice cream

It was a Baskin-Robbery

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