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Unfortunate Jokes

I was in an unfortunate accident and my sperm became electrified

Came as a shock to my girlfriend

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries.

Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight

Sigh...

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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Unfortunate

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up...

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday

He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

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Doctor: "Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live."

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?"

Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?"

Man: "Yes."

Doc: "You must stop!"

Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!"

Doc: "Do you drink...

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

A guy with an unfortunate last name...(long format)

Joins the army. His last name has the odd distinction of having two z's at the start of it and since everything in the military is done alphabetically hes always the last guy in line.

One day their sergeant gets the entire company together for training:

"Alright! We're gonna have you a...

Who do the doctors send to deliver unfortunate news to the patients family?

The ultrasound guy

Today I unfortunately got fired from my job at the bank

An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

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Unfortunate pirate

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?”

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer han...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

What do you say to an unfortunate piece of corn?

Shucks

Doctor: Unfortunately sir, we had to remove part of your colon due to the cancer

Me. Oh my gosh

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

Went to visit some temples in Cambodia, but unfortunately fell and broke my neck.

Now I don't look back in Angkor.

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

that’s unfortunate

A man walks into a library and orders a hamburger. The librarian says, "This is a library." The man apologizes and whispers, "I'd like a hamburger, please."

Stranded unfortunately...

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3 men survive a plane crash in the ocean and wash up on a random remote island. They are soon captured by the local natives who tie them up and keep them captive. After a few days of being tied up, the are brought in front of The Chief. The Chief informs them that they're to go out into t...

That's unfortunate

Man: How much time do I have?

Doc: 10

Man: 10 what?

Doc: 9

Man: F

We all know the unfortunate end to 9, being that 7 8 9, but have your heard how 10 died?

He got caught in the middle of 9/11

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A guy was extremely unfortunate

He was so unfortunate that he even have only one ball.

One day he gets on a plane. 15 min into the flight the plane starts quaking. The crew says "Unfortunately we are too crowded for this plane, someone needs to jump out for the greater good."

So they decides to draw lots. As he e...

Its unfortunate that Avicii died but

At least Mike Posner can pop pills in ibiza and not have to worry about impressing anyone.

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My Brother's Unfortunate Name

My hippie parents named my brother Zanus. I can never introduce or refer to him as "my brother, Zanus" in polite company.

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An unfortunate fast-food visit.

A guy walks into a fast-food restaurant. As soon as he goes in he slips and falls down, everyone laughs at him. The guy doesn't seem to give it that much of a deal and proceeds to wait at the line. There are 2 people in front of him which shouldn't take time. After the people are done ordering, the ...

Unfortunately my father committed suicide a few years ago now

He sadly hung himself.. but there is an upside - He went out swinging!

I have many stories about my unfortunate attempts to bring horses to a halt.

They're my tales of whoa.

Unfortunately my Grandfather passed away after suffering from a short illness.

He had Dwarfism

Being attacked by three armed men is really unfortunate

but at least they didn't have four arms

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Due to this unfortunate times, me and my wife decided to make a sex tape to raise money

Our neighbour paid a huge money so that we won't release it online...

A woman gets on to a bus, holding her unfortunately ugly baby.

The driver laughs and says "what an ugly kid!"

Fuming, the woman sits down and turns to the man next to her. "That driver was so rude to me. I should really give him a piece of my mind."

The man nods sympathetically. "You go tell him, I'll hold your dog."

Outside my school there is an unfortunate tree

It has been hit by a car, struck by lightning, and now infested with termites.

What a poor sap

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

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It would be really unfortunate to have trees as breasts,

Wooden tit?

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events

Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix.

It's unfortunate that the NASA and SpaceX astronauts weren't social distancing with eachother...

But their PPE is out of this world!

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Unfortunately, the woman I lost my virginity to died today

On a happier note, I lost my virginity today

Well after 20 years of marriage, my wife caught me cross dressing and unfortunately its over....

So i packed up her clothes and left.

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There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time, he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy, they were going to name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for...

Today my wife gave birth to our son and unfortunately he was born with a very rare skin condition.

My wife told me it is called a “pre-natal sun burn”. Apparently it can be caused by too much time in tanning beds or long exposure to the sun on the beach.

Essentially all it does is dye the pigments of the child’s skin dark brown but he shouldn’t feel any pain.

She told me that there...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

I had an interview for a job as a Mime today, unfortunately i didn't get it.

Must of been something i said

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Unfortunately due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker could not be with us tonight....

But, he's with us in spirit.

I ran over 2 Miles yesterday

Such a coincidence that both unfortunate fellas had the same name.

A man loses his toe in an unfortunate accident and calls 911.

They rush him to the hospital, where he is brought to the operating room for surgical reattachment.

He wakes up some hours later in the recovery room and sees the doctor waiting at the foot of his bed, looking uncomfortable.

“Doctor? How’d it go?” he asked.

“Well... I have good ...

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Not to brag, but we did a lot experiments with drugs, sex, and alcohol when I was in college.

Unfortunately I was part of the control group.

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I was going to lose my virginity last night, but unfortunately I got the dreaded performance anxiety...

I wasn't sure that I'd blow her up the correct way.

62% of Kentuckians pronounce their state capital "Loo-uh-vul", while 38% say "Loo-ee-ville".

Unfortunately, the correct answer is Frankfort.

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

My Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral

I guess I'm not a mourning person

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

A hunter shot a lion and wanted its head mounted. Unfortunately, the taxidermist got it backwards.

It was a real cat-ass-trophy

Unfortunately men are still getting infected even when they abide by social distancing

That's because six feet to them is in reality 5'8"

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

A man accidentally dropped his kitchen knife onto his foot and unfortunately lost his toe.

The Doctor said "I have good news and bad news"

Man.. "Whats the bad news Doc?

Doc.. "Well, you see, they had to replace your toe with a piece of candy."

Man.. "Candy? So what's the good news?"

Doc.. "You now have tic tac toe"

Unfortunately my girlfriend left me recently because of my obsession with The Monkees. I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face...

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Whenever I tell a girl I’ve never been blown to orgasm, they often want to suck my dick just to prove me wrong.

Unfortunately they never succeed.

What did the poor, unfortunate, paraplegic kid get for christmas?

Cancer.

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Did you hear about the guy who had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks?

Bad minton

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.

Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community:

Shop till you drop!

A man proposed to his girlfriend in the gym, unfortunately she said no

It didn't workout.

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A bus full of nuns crashes and unfortunately they all die

A bus full of nuns crashes and unfortunately they all die. At the gates of heaven they meet St Peter.

He asks the first nun: "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun replies: "I poked one once."

St Peter says: "Wash your finger in this holy water and enter heave...

I went to a Youtuber's funeral recently but unfortunately the casket fell over...

Best unboxing video ever.

A local farmer just successfully grew a field of vibrators.

Unfortunately, now he has a problem with squatters.

I bought a smart car recently and I unfortunately got in an accident

Now my car has a learning disability

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

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A guy, who is not very well endowed, unfortunately is getting married in a week and he’s freaking out...

He’s so embarrassed by the diminutive size of his member, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do.
The wedding night comes and out of desperation, he sneaks a large pickle into bed- and successfully gets through the night. As a matter of fact- that’s how he gets through the next several years unti...

TIL about the Downing-Keurig Effect in which poor performers greatly overestimate their abilities. It shows that underperforming individuals “reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize."

I feel so smart knowing about this.

The villagers mourned the king and his jester after an unfortunate sewage accident.

The town casts down frowns when their crown and his clown drowned in the brown.

A “joke” my friend made up in middle school to prove I’d laugh at anything (I cried laughing unfortunately)

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. The server comes up to him and says: “what’ll you have?”

The man says “I’ll take blood in a monkey glass”.

The bartender says “excuse me?”

The man says “blood in a monkey glass, ya know just...blood in a monkey glass”

The bartender...

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his missus wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.

The following week, when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see him. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand and a camp fire burning.

One ...

[nsfw]The hospitals new director is an idiot. He commissioned a huge chandelier for the main lobby that humanizes those living with erectile disfunction. The entire board told him not to do it and that they wouldn't be attending the unveiling.

It's unfortunate because it was well hung, difficult to get up, and nobody came.

I've recently taken a course on alarm clocks, but unfortunately I flunked it.

I overslept and missed the exam.

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As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction.

When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems." So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Sin...

Unfortunately, Verne Troyer passed away at 49, which is pretty young.

But let’s be honest, he pretty much always had a short life

Edit; we loved ya, rest in peace bud

I was late to my first Fight Club meeting so unfortunately I missed some of the rules

But I still had a really awesome time and I can't wait to share my experience with everyone on Facebook.

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A Frenchman, a Brit, and a New Yorker go on a safari...

Along the way they run into a tribe of cannibals. The chief was a pleasant fellow, but had some unfortunate news for them.

"Gentlemen, I am sorry but I must follow the way of my people."

"Oh?" says the Brit. "What's that?"

"Well..." the chief responds, "We will kill you, cook...

Unfortunately my style of humour is reflected in the type of woman I attract.

Dry.

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

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There once lived a strong, Native American man who had only one testicle

Everyone in the village called him "One stone" because of this, but nobody dared to say it to his face because he would kill anyone who directly said it him. Unfortunately, a woman in the village named Bluebird did not know about this. One morning, while she was walking past One Stone, she greeted h...

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

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Unfortunately my girlfriend gave my sex life a silver medal...

But she didn't seem to mind me coming 2nd

My mate is always making jokes and he knows thousands, but unfortunately every single joke has to mention the word 'mushroom'.

Fungi.

I once dated two girls called Kate and Edith. Unfortunately Kate found out and told Edith and they both broke up with me!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

I made a website for orphans.

Unfortunately it doesn't have a home page.

A man is sitting on the train, chewing gum in silence.

After a while, an elderly lady leans forward from opposite and says: "Sir, it's very kind of you to tell me so much, but unfortunately I'm deaf!"

So a general feeling of dread gets invited to a relay race but unfortunately had to decline...

He said "I can't because of miasma"

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I recently participated in an erection contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.

Let's just say there was some stiff competition.

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Former figure skater Michelle Kwan was caught by paparazzi, who took an unfortunate down-blouse pic.

Nevertheless, it's a perfect example of both quality and Kwan titty.

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

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I have a fetish for indigenous girls. Wanted to have sex with this girl in Alaska, but, unfortunately...

... She wasn't inuit.

The group wanted to pour some wine but unfortunately...

Decant

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation

Years ago, when one could actually enjoy travel, a man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem and while they were there, the wife unfortunately passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped bac...

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A man has an unfortunately sized penis...

And he doesn't have a lot of money. He goes to a doctor and says "Doc, please can you help me? My penis is so small, I don't know what to do!" The doctor says "Well yes, but the procedure is $10,000."
"Aw geez doc I could NEVER afford that!" he says defeated

The doctor replies "Well, if ...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Ernesto, the church gardener, would like to give his place to his friend Kamal, who is unemployed, but he knows that the priest is very strict on one point: All the staff must be Catholic. Unfortunately, Kamal is not Catholic. So Ernesto has an idea:

- Kamal, let's say you converted several years ago to the Catholic religion.

- That's nice, but I don't know anything about the Catholic religion.

- Don't worry, to verify that an employee is Catholic, the priest always asks the same questions. Since I've thought of everything, I'll ma...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
<...

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There once lived the most beautiful woman any man had ever seen. Unfortunately, a jealous old witch put a spell on the woman:

For the rest of her life, a tiny gremlin would live inside her vagina, and bite the dick off of any man who tried to lay with her.

Several suitors had tried and failed, always losing their precious member to the gremlin.

Finally one day a cunning young man decided to give it a go. W...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

I met an Anti-Vaxxer today...

Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.

TIL crickets only do their iconic "yelling" chirp in the presence of wild moths. Unfortunately, my cricket has none.

He has no moth and he must scream.

My favourite butcher had a sale on today, and unfortunately I walked straight past without noticing

That was a big missed steak..

My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood

It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.

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