What's the difference between a literalist and a thief?

A literalist takes things literally and a thief takes things, literally.

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

What do you call a sheep thief?

Steel wool.

Why did the thief knife himself after he was caught stealing violas and cellos from an orchestra?

He didn't have a safe Haydn place, and he couldn't Handel the thought of being sent Bach to prison.

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the cops catch the bra thief?

They set a booby trap.

[Police Station] Me: I want to talk to the thief who broke into my house last night Police: Why do you want to talk to him?

Me: I just want to know how he got into my house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying it for years

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*Police chasing after a thief*

Police officer: STOP!

Thief: Shit! I can't run any further.

Police officer: Sounds like you need... arrest!

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

What do you call a Dalmatian thief with a headache?

Cruella Ad Vil



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...so sorry everyone this is dumb but it just came to me and I had to put it out there.

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...

When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.

What did one friend say to another friend when he found out he was a thief?

Don’t take this the wrong way...

What did the Saudi bike thief say?

"Look, no hands!"

Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?

They always take the cake.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...

A thief broke into my house while I was sleeping, he started searching for money...

So I woke up and searched with him.

How did the thief get in?

Intruder window.

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What did the thief get when he took Donald Trump's Viagra?

A stolen erection.

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocke...

A thief has stolen the credit card of a family

The kid asks the father: _"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!"_

Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

A thief took my Microsoft Office license key

I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word

Did you hear about the Spanish number thief?

He stole uno and dos, then left without a tres.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.

My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."

Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.

I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?

Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.

"Stop! Thief!" shouted the fishmonger.

"Don't move a mussel."

What did the hysterical 007 agent say to the car thief?

Hes driving me bond cars.

So I was in the pub and mate who's a thief came up to me and said " I just robbed this place and got two pictures one is worth 1.5 million and the other is worth 2.5 million , come to my van and have look"

So we got to the van and he showed me the pictures I said "You just robbed a real estate agent"....

A car thief gets brought before the judge

Judge: Why did you steel the car?

Thief: I had to get to work.

Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?

Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.

(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think)

Police have identified a sole perpetrator.

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The running champion says to his friend: "A thief ran away with my wallet!"

"And you couldn't catch up with him?"
"Of course I caught up with him, for a while I was comfortably leading, but when I looked back, the bastard was nowhere!"

Nsfw: Whats the difference between a jewelry thief and a peeping tom?

One of them snatches watches. The other watches snatches.

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets,

Police say they have nothing to go on.

A nosy identity thief is the absolute worst

He has that annoying habit of making other peoples lifes his own

What kind of shoes would a thief wear?

Sneakers

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

I didn't believe when they told me my brother was a construction site thief

But when I got home, the signs were there

I may be a thief, but I would never steal a ruler...

That’s where I draw the line.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume.

It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.

To the thief who broke into my costume shop and stole the most terrifying mask I had for sale:

I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.

A thief enters a theatre on opening night.

He stole the spotlight.

Few policemen were chasing a thief on the run. Thief ran into a deserted warehouse and police followed him there.

After searching the entire warehouse police could not find the thief and there were no other exits. In frustration, police officer kicked one of the boxes and cat started to meow from inside. Officer kicked another box and dog started to bark from inside. Officer kicked one more box but no sound cam...

Thief breaks into a house

A thief broke into someone's house at night. Out of nowhere he hears "Jesus is watching you". He turns to the left, nothing, then to the right, still nothing. He hears it again "Jesus is watching you". He looks up and sees a parrot.
Thief: "What's your name?"
Parrot: "Moses"
Thief: "What id...

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Did you hear about the tampon thief who got out of prison?

Apparently he pulled some strings

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

Hi, I'm an identity thief.



My pronouns are you/yours.

Why did the thief go to the theater?

He wanted to steal the spotlight.

The thief pulled out his gun, pointed it at the art gallery manager and said

"This is a robbery, give me all your monet!"

An identity thief stole an Italian chef's identity.

When the police found him, they accused him if being an impasta.

A woman calls the police to report a thief who stole her glasses.

The police arrive and ask if she remembers what the perpetrator looked like. Sadly by then it was all a blur to her.

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

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A thief walked into a shop

I saw a thief walk into a shop and steal milk and butter.

How dairy

In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject?

In prison

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...




Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

What Do You Call An Arrogant Thief Going Down The Stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

The Art Thief

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ...

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

What did the thief say when he took a Redditors wallet?

Wow, such empty

I got a trophy for 'best thief'

Well, I didn't actually win the competition.

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Why did the music thief get such good grades?

He was really good at taking notes

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

A thief was recently arrested for stealing loaves of sourdough...

He was caught bread-handed

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,

"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"

"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."

The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and w...

What did Keanu Reeves say to the air thief

Your breathtaking!

What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

A thief stole a third of my cow.

Ow.

A cowboy walks into a bar

A cowboy walks into a bar a wips out his gun and said: "who stole my horse!?"
*silence*
"If the thief does not admit i will do what my father did when his horse got stolen"
One guy stands up and said: "what did your father did when his horse got stolen?"
The cowboy said: "he walked home...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

My iPhone was stolen today...

...I hope the thief will face time.

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the squash farmer say to the produce thief at the farmers market?

You butternut steal my squash!

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could...

Thief

A thief has been stealing wheels off of police cars.

The police are working tirelessly to find him.

A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mother's looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the bastard thief who stole my anti-depressants...

... I hope you're fucking happy now!

Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months

The Orange Thief

A little boy stole a big sack of oranges from a grove. As he meets his friend who was acting as a lookout, they quickly run away. Soon, they decide to eat the oranges. One of the boys suggests the local cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the b...

The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

Thief

Thief : ( Pointing gun) Give me your money.
Politician : Do you know Who You are talking to ?I am a lawmaker.
Thief : Okay! Then give me my money.( Pressing the gun harder)

Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large?

The oysters are calling it a clamity.

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

Light bulb thief

I came across an open package of light bulbs at work today.

I thought to myself, "Stealing lightbulbs? This guy must be in a really dark place".

A sodomizer, an alcoholic, a thief and a drug addict await judgment in Hell...

The gatekeeper of Hell says, "Each of you are here because you let your addiction get the best of you. But I'm giving all of you a second chance, prove me wrong and I will drag you back to Hell!". Just like that the sodomizer, alcoholic, businessman and drug addict are teleported back to Earth.
...

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

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