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Thief Jokes

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom

The thief points a gun at the couple.

"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."

The woman says "Stephanie."

"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."

He...

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A thief stole my credit card

But I don't mind, he's spending less than my wife

A thief broke into a house one night.

As he was shining his flashlight around looking for valuables he heard a faint voice say, "Jesus knows you're here."

The thief instantly froze but heard nothing else and continued on.

As he was rifling through a jewelry box he then heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he sh...

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.

I am at a loss for words.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

A thief broke into my house last night...

he started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilet seats.

Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

The Orange Thief

A little boy stole a big sack of oranges from a grove. As he meets his friend who was acting as a lookout, they quickly run away. Soon, they decide to eat the oranges. One of the boys suggests the local cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the b...

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.

The man began sobbing and said:

"You can take anything you want...

Why couldn’t the thief understand sarcasm?

>!He took things literally!<

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

I wanted to read The Book Thief...

…but someone stole my copy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

They worked hard to uncover the masked Refrigerator thief

But the case went cold

Thief

In court:

\- So you say, you have no clue how this wallet found its way to your pocket?

\- Exactly!

\- You should be ashamed of yourself! There are 6 witnesses sitting here who saw you stealing the wallet from this man!

\- So what?! I can bring 100 people who haven't seen...

What do you call a cross between a thief and a penitent thief?

Jesus's.

What did the cop say to the dancing thief?

The jig is up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The thief who stole viagra at the pharmacy...

He's really a *hardened* criminal.

What will thief do?

Give a thief a gun and he’ll rob a bank.

Give a thief a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

Why does a thief need glue?

To give him sticky fingers.

A thief was expelled from music school.

It was a bit unfair, all he was doing was taking notes.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the cops catch the bra thief?

They set a booby trap.

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a gun at me, he asked,

"Your money or your life."

I told him, "I am married, I have no money and no life."

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment...

The cops in my town are looking for a suspect who they are calling “the birthday party thief”.

I’ve seen a lot of crazy criminals, … but this one takes the cake.

Police car loses wheels to thief!

Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect

What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief?

A thief snatches your watch.

A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

A thief robbed a pet store

“Looks like the cat’s out of the bag,” said the policeman after arresting them.

What do you call a female thief in Australia?

A Steala

The thief

A shop assistant calls the police saying:
“Officer, the same guy who stole stuff from the warehouse yesterday is in my store!”

“Alright, make sure you close off every exit. We’ll be there as soon as possible!”

10 minutes pass, and the agents arrive at the store seeing the man has es...

What does a photographer have in common with an art thief?

The both take pictures.

Why was the thief unsuccessful in stealing some aluminium?

His plans were foiled

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a door knob thief?

What do you call a door knob thief?

A knob goblin…
I’ll show myself out….

A thief took my Microsoft Office license key

I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mas...

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief,

but when I got home all the signs were there.

What's the difference between an actor and a thief?

One steals the spotlight, and the other *steals* the spotlight!

What did the Saudi bike thief say?

"Look, no hands!"

Constipation is a thief of time

and diarrhea waits for no man

A thief was sentenced today for stealing a calendar

They got 12 months

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

So a guy finally got back his stolen Honda Prelude .... but the thief tried to turn it into a sedan... a 4 door Prelude.

His wife walks by the garage a couple days later, him and his brother have all 4 doors off, husband is trying to weld off the extra hinges.

She asks the brother, "Why is he putting all this work into it?"

The brother replies, "He's trying to recoup his loss".

What’s a thief’s favorite instrument?

The lute. (Sorry, I’ll see myself out.)

A blind thief decided to rob an art gallery

Ended up stealing an evacuation plan

What's the difference between a literalist and a thief?

A literalist takes things literally and a thief takes things, literally.

What do you call a sheep thief?

Steel wool.

A thief was caught raiding a cemetery by the security

He made a grave mistake

What does the art thief say?

Give me all your monet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Police chasing after a thief*

Police officer: STOP!

Thief: Shit! I can't run any further.

Police officer: Sounds like you need... arrest!

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocke...

A thief walked into a theatre

He stole the spotlight

(I saw this joke on plague inc and wanted to share it with you guys)

Did you hear about the party thief?

I mean I've seen some crazy people at parties, but this guy definitely takes the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could...

The Art Thief

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ...

There's a lot of bad jokes. Especially the one about the dessert thief

That one really takes the cake

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

What is the best name for a female master thief?

Miss Take

How could a hairdresser be like a thief?

They cut locks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone's cow.

He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.

The priest forgave him in God's name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.

The thief asks, "Will you take the cow, then, Father?"

The priest says, "No my son, I cannot accept."

The con...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

Thief

Thief : ( Pointing gun) Give me your money.
Politician : Do you know Who You are talking to ?I am a lawmaker.
Thief : Okay! Then give me my money.( Pressing the gun harder)

"Stop! Thief!" shouted the fishmonger.

"Don't move a mussel."

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

A thief entered the theater

He stole the spotlight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A thief walked into a shop

I saw a thief walk into a shop and steal milk and butter.

How dairy

Light bulb thief

I came across an open package of light bulbs at work today.

I thought to myself, "Stealing lightbulbs? This guy must be in a really dark place".

Did you hear about the sympathetic thief?

Apparently he just likes to put himself in other people's shoes.

To the thief

who stole my anti-depressants



I hope you're happy now.

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

What do you call a Dalmatian thief with a headache?

Cruella Ad Vil



—————————



...so sorry everyone this is dumb but it just came to me and I had to put it out there.

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

What do you call a wrongly accused art thief?

Framed

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

A thief

A thief climbs in through a ground floor window one night and starts looking for valuables in the sitting room when suddenly he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you. " he shows hi flashlight around the room but upon seeing nothing continues his search. A few minutes later he heard the same voice...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask...

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

A nosy identity thief is the absolute worst

He has that annoying habit of making other peoples lifes his own

What kind of shoes would a thief wear?

Sneakers

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mother's looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

A thief breaks into a house and ties up the elderly couple living there

Being criminally minded he decides to kill one of them. To make his decision he asks them some questions to get to know them better.

“What’s your name?” he asks the woman.

“Clementine,” she replies.

“Oh that’s my mother’s name! Don’t worry I won’t kill you.”

Turning to...

One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...

When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.

A car thief gets brought before the judge

Judge: Why did you steel the car?

Thief: I had to get to work.

Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?

Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.

(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)

Thief breaks into a house

A thief broke into someone's house at night. Out of nowhere he hears "Jesus is watching you". He turns to the left, nothing, then to the right, still nothing. He hears it again "Jesus is watching you". He looks up and sees a parrot.
Thief: "What's your name?"
Parrot: "Moses"
Thief: "What id...

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

Thief Capturing Robot

Disclaimer: This is only a joke, whatever or whoever I have stated are only for entertainment purpose only.



Once an organization of experts invented a robot that captured thieves.

So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how ma...

Did you hear about the the road thief that stole all the road signs?

He really pulled out all the stops.

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

Did you hear about the thief who got annoyed by wooden barriers?

He took a fence.

A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

What did Keanu Reeves say to the air thief

Your breathtaking!

Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?

They always take the cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the lispy clerk say to the judgmental jewel thief

That is none of your Bismuth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the thief get when he took Donald Trump's Viagra?

A stolen erection.

How does a thief get into a house?

Intruder window

What's a thief's favorite metal?

Steel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The camel leg thief

Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert. He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and say...

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

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