UPJOKE
robberyrobberburglarbanditpickpocketburglarycrimeembezzlementshopliftertheftmoneymurdererkidnapperthugcriminal

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

What does a photographer have in common with an art thief?

The both take pictures.

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.

I am at a loss for words.

A thief was expelled from music school.

It was a bit unfair, all he was doing was taking notes.

Did you hear about the pen thief that ended up getting stabbed to death with a pen he had just stolen?

Payback’s a Bic.

Why does a thief need glue?

To give him sticky fingers.

A couple wakes up in the middle of the night to find a thief in their bedroom

The thief points a gun at the couple.

"Now that you've seen me, I have to kill you both. Tell me your names and you won't suffer. I remember all my victims by their names."

The woman says "Stephanie."

"Wow. I can't kill you after all.. Stephanie was my Mother's name."

He...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

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I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

Why was the thief unsuccessful in stealing some aluminium?

His plans were foiled

Police car loses wheels to thief!

Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect

A thief robbed a pet store

“Looks like the cat’s out of the bag,” said the policeman after arresting them.

What's the difference between an actor and a thief?

One steals the spotlight, and the other *steals* the spotlight!

What do you call a female thief in Australia?

A Steala

what do you call a thief who warns someone he isn't responsible if he steals their hard drives?

The Diskclaimer

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

A thief was sentenced today for stealing a calendar

They got 12 months

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A blind thief decided to rob an art gallery

Ended up stealing an evacuation plan

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

There's a lot of bad jokes. Especially the one about the dessert thief

That one really takes the cake

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

What’s the difference between a thief and an autist?

We take things literally while thieves take things, literally.

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him

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How did the cops catch the bra thief?

They set a booby trap.

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home...

Pointing a knife at me...He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am married...so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together
It was a beautiful moment...

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

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What do you call a door knob thief?

What do you call a door knob thief?

A knob goblin…
I’ll show myself out….

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

What will thief do?

Give a thief a gun and he’ll rob a bank.

Give a thief a bank and he’ll rob everyone.

A young muslim thief returns home,

he says "Look, ma! No hands!"

Constipation is a thief of time

and diarrhea waits for no man

What’s a thief’s favorite instrument?

The lute. (Sorry, I’ll see myself out.)

What is the best name for a female master thief?

Miss Take

What does the art thief say?

Give me all your monet.

A thief walked into a theatre

He stole the spotlight

(I saw this joke on plague inc and wanted to share it with you guys)

One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...

When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.

[Police Station] Me: I want to talk to the thief who broke into my house last night Police: Why do you want to talk to him?

Me: I just want to know how he got into my house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying it for years

A thief took my Microsoft Office license key

I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word

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What do you call a viagra thief?

A hardened criminal

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

A thief was caught raiding a cemetery by the security

He made a grave mistake

A thief breaks into a house and ties up the elderly couple living there

Being criminally minded he decides to kill one of them. To make his decision he asks them some questions to get to know them better.

“What’s your name?” he asks the woman.

“Clementine,” she replies.

“Oh that’s my mother’s name! Don’t worry I won’t kill you.”

Turning to...

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Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert.

He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and says to Shaun "ah, that would have been the Camel Leg Thief, you ca...

Did you hear about the the road thief that stole all the road signs?

He really pulled out all the stops.

The thief

A shop assistant calls the police saying:
“Officer, the same guy who stole stuff from the warehouse yesterday is in my store!”

“Alright, make sure you close off every exit. We’ll be there as soon as possible!”

10 minutes pass, and the agents arrive at the store seeing the man has es...

How could a hairdresser be like a thief?

They cut locks.

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*Police chasing after a thief*

Police officer: STOP!

Thief: Shit! I can't run any further.

Police officer: Sounds like you need... arrest!

A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

What do you call a Dalmatian thief with a headache?

Cruella Ad Vil



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...so sorry everyone this is dumb but it just came to me and I had to put it out there.

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

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So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

Did you hear about the thief who got annoyed by wooden barriers?

He took a fence.

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocke...

How did the thief get in?

Intruder window.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

A minister loses his wallet

He asks a friend where to look for the thief. The friend says “Why don’t you go through the 10 commandments in church on Sunday and see who looks guilty when you say ‘Do not steal’?”

The minister thinks this is a great idea. On the Monday after, he sees his friend who asks him “Did you try wh...

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What did the lispy clerk say to the judgmental jewel thief

That is none of your Bismuth

Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?

They always take the cake.

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

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A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

What did one friend say to another friend when he found out he was a thief?

Don’t take this the wrong way...

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief,

but when I got home all the signs were there.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets,

Police say they have nothing to go on.

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What did the thief get when he took Donald Trump's Viagra?

A stolen erection.

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

I may be a thief, but I would never steal a ruler...

That’s where I draw the line.

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

What kind of shoes would a thief wear?

Sneakers

A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume.

It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

"Stop! Thief!" shouted the fishmonger.

"Don't move a mussel."

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The running champion says to his friend: "A thief ran away with my wallet!"

"And you couldn't catch up with him?"
"Of course I caught up with him, for a while I was comfortably leading, but when I looked back, the bastard was nowhere!"

The Orange Thief

A little boy stole a big sack of oranges from a grove. As he meets his friend who was acting as a lookout, they quickly run away. Soon, they decide to eat the oranges. One of the boys suggests the local cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the b...

What did the hysterical 007 agent say to the car thief?

Hes driving me bond cars.

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

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Did you hear about the tampon thief who got out of prison?

Apparently he pulled some strings

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A thief walked into a shop

I saw a thief walk into a shop and steal milk and butter.

How dairy

A nosy identity thief is the absolute worst

He has that annoying habit of making other peoples lifes his own

What Do You Call An Arrogant Thief Going Down The Stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

Hi, I'm an identity thief.



My pronouns are you/yours.

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

A car thief gets brought before the judge

Judge: Why did you steel the car?

Thief: I had to get to work.

Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?

Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.

(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)

Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think)

Police have identified a sole perpetrator.

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

Thief breaks into a house

A thief broke into someone's house at night. Out of nowhere he hears "Jesus is watching you". He turns to the left, nothing, then to the right, still nothing. He hears it again "Jesus is watching you". He looks up and sees a parrot.
Thief: "What's your name?"
Parrot: "Moses"
Thief: "What id...

The thief pulled out his gun, pointed it at the art gallery manager and said

"This is a robbery, give me all your monet!"

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

A man went to get his umbrellas repaired.

He brought eight umbrellas to the repair shop and came home by bus. He absentmindedly took the umbrella of the woman next to him as he got up to leave and she cried, "STOP! THIEF!". He sheepishly gave it back and got off the bus. A few days later he collected his umbrellas from the repairer and g...

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mother's looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mas...

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

To the thief who broke into my costume shop and stole the most terrifying mask I had for sale:

I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.

What did Keanu Reeves say to the air thief

Your breathtaking!

Few policemen were chasing a thief on the run. Thief ran into a deserted warehouse and police followed him there.

After searching the entire warehouse police could not find the thief and there were no other exits. In frustration, police officer kicked one of the boxes and cat started to meow from inside. Officer kicked another box and dog started to bark from inside. Officer kicked one more box but no sound cam...

Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment.

That's messed up on so many levels!

A small village's pastor's bicycle was stolen

And he was discussing what to do with the choir master.

"I know, I'll do a sermon on the ten commandments, and when I get to 'thou shalt not steal', I'll pause and look everybody in the eye to see who looks guilty".

After church, the choir master asked the vicar if he'd worked out who ...

A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

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An identity thief and a rapist get convicted in a poor town...

The judge decides that the best punishment is to tie them up in a courtyard and for $5 you can punch the identity thief so he can never use his charm to con again, or for $10 you can kick the rapist in the nuts. The police officer in charge of this spots a girl kick the identity thief in the nuts an...

A thief was recently arrested for stealing loaves of sourdough...

He was caught bread-handed

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