A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

What Do You Call An Arrogant Thief Going Down The Stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’
Man...

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

I got a trophy for 'best thief'

Well, I didn't actually win the competition.

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money!"

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You can't do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

A thief has been running around stealing car tires.

The police have been working tirelessly to catch him.

What did Keanu Reeves say to the air thief

Your breathtaking!

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief,

but when I got home all the signs were there.

What's the difference between a thief and a literalist?

Literalist takes things literally.

Thief takes things, literally.

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”



The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

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Hat thief

What did the jew say to the hat thief?
"Yamaka me angry!"

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There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

A man woke up to find his car missing

The man and his wife rushed to the nearest police station to file the complaint. They went back with their sad faces and continued their routine work. But the life is full of surprises when the man got up the next morning he saw his car in his own garage completely washed and polished.

He saw...

A thief broke into my house last night

He started searching for money, I woke up and started looking too!

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The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Why did the thief Rob a mushroom store?

Because he had no morels.

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

What's a thief's favorite metal?

Steel.

A thief walks into an electronic store and grabs a T.V

Owner of the store screams, “Acts 2:38!”

The thief then stays still and doesn’t move.

Police then come in and thief is handcuffed.

Police: “Why didn’t you run? The owner is just an old lady”

Thief: “She said she had an Axe and two .38’s”

Thief

Thief : ( Pointing gun) Give me your money.
Politician : Do you know Who You are talking to ?I am a lawmaker.
Thief : Okay! Then give me my money.( Pressing the gun harder)

A thief, a murderer, and a lier walk into a bar.

The Bartender says: "What will it be, Senator?"

To the thief

who stole my anti-depressants



I hope you're happy now.

To the thief who stole my Microsoft Office... I will get my revenge...

you have my Word...

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life"

I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could...

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

Did you guys hear that the pearl thief is still at large?

The oysters are calling it a clamity.

A thief entered the theater

He stole the spotlight

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A thief stole a bottle of laxatives, mistaking them for perscription painkillers.

After he found out, he nearly shit himself.

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What is something a good thief and man with a bad sex life could say

It'll be a quick in and out job

A thief stole a sine and a cosine.

He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.  He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine.

He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosin...

Have you heard about the chocolate box thief?

He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

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Female parrot thief on the loose

Shes been known to take a cockatoo

On Christmas, a thief took my german bread.

I guess you can say it was stollen.

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mother's looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

What can a thief steal so that he won't come in news?

News Van

I’m a thief and I broke in someone’s house

Front door was open so I easily got in. Stole their gadgets and some jewelry. On my way out, I accidentally hit a table and made some noise. Owner got up with his gun in hand and saw me right at the front door as I get out and immediately shot at me. I ran for my life while hoping to not get hit....

What kind of shoe does a thief wear?

Sneakers!

My stolen card

Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

Why did the thief steal the space bars?

Because he needed more room.

Thief Capturing Robot

Disclaimer: This is only a joke, whatever or whoever I have stated are only for entertainment purpose only.



Once an organization of experts invented a robot that captured thieves.

So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how ma...

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

What did the art thief's say when they jumped in the getaway vehicle after a heist?

Van Gogh

My roommates a thief. I left a 6 pack of beer in my fridge last night and this morning there's only a couple left.

It's a 4 gone conclusion.

Light bulb thief

I came across an open package of light bulbs at work today.

I thought to myself, "Stealing lightbulbs? This guy must be in a really dark place".

What did the officer say when he cornered the thief in a bakery?

Focaccia!

To the thief who stole my thesaurus.

I'm lost for words.

Why did the thief always paint his hands blue before doing a heist?

To make sure he was not caught red-handed

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

What do you call a 3,14m long sea thief

A πrate

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A man couldn't conceive so he prayed to God

He asked God:
God please give me a child, it's all in the world I would ever want and the one thing I ask of you.
If it's is a boy let him be a thief,
If it's a girl let her be a cunt,

Just please Dear Lord grant me a child I may raise and love.

And so God granted him his wish...

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A thief stops a guy coming out of church at gunpoint.

Thief: Your money or your life!

Guy: I'm sorry young man but I don't have neither of those.

Thief: What the fuck are you talking about?!

Guy: I don't have any money and I just gave my life to Jesus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ten solders

Ten soldiers are camping in a forest, when two thieves try to steal from them and are caught. The soldiers tell them, "We have to kill you now but since we are in a good mood we'll let you go provided you can make us all laugh". The thieves agree and the first one begins telling a very funny story. ...

Hear about the thief who robbed a board game store?

He took a Risk and got Life.

There was once a toilet paper thief.

He would have been arrested, but he was let go because he did not steal one particular brand. He got off Scott-free.

A man is handing out Halloween treats when...

... he hears a small knock at the door. Opening it, he finds a child dressed as a thief. "Here you go, two pieces of candy! Take it and go!" The man laughs.

Moments later, another knock at the door. Opening it, the home owner finds a child dressed as a clown. "Hmm." The man looks the kid up a...

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

Did you hear the one about the briefcase thief?

They got him. It was an open and shut case.

Your mom may not be a thief

But I have seen her snatch

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The camel leg thief

Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert. He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and say...

The Orange Thief

A little boy stole a big sack of oranges from a grove. As he meets his friend who was acting as a lookout, they quickly run away. Soon, they decide to eat the oranges. One of the boys suggests the local cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the b...

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What do you call a Japanese car thief?

Tommy Tukamoto

Stop me if you heard the old joke about the art thief who got busted...

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

There was a thief that went to a theater to steal an expensive prop...

But what he really stole was the spotlight.

The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.

I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.

Police on lookout for Starbucks thief

Suspect is still at veinte

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Holmes and Watson have been tracking down a thief, who had been reported for stealing camping gear.

Using their marvellous detective work, they uncover the thief’s hoard of stolen camping gear, and are immediately praised. To celebrate their victory, Watson decides to take Holmes on a camping trip, using the criminal’s tent.

They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the midd...

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Are you aware of the thief who stole a truck full of Viagra?

The police is still looking for the hardened crimminal.

Credit card of a man was stolen

"Why did you not report your stolen credit card?" the police asked.
"The thief was spending less than my wife" answered the man.
The police asked next "Then why are you reporting it now?"
The man replied "I think now the thief's wife has started using it!"

Art Thief

A mastermind thief infiltrates The Louvre and steals several paintings. He loads them all into his van and drives off. A few blocks away, his van breaks down. When the police arrive on the scene, one of the officers asks the mastermind how something like this could happen if he was so smart. The mas...

What do you call a snarky thief going down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.



Sorry if this is a repost. Heard it yesterday and thought you all would enjoy.

A thief just stole some of soil and I'm going after him.

I'm losing ground.

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