Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

What's the difference between a literalist and a thief?

A literalist takes things literally and a thief takes things, literally.

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

A thief walked into a theatre

He stole the spotlight

(I saw this joke on plague inc and wanted to share it with you guys)

After a very successful heist, a thief treats his two close friends to a sumptuous meal at a fancy restaurant.

Friend A: "You've walked away with millions?? By stealing from a printer company? How on earth did you pull that off??!"

Friend B: "You must've had to drive out an entire truckload of printers to make that much!"

Thief: "It was actually a lot easier than that. I just walked out with al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this Elf, Dwarf and a Thief go out on an adventure

So this Dwarf, Elf and Thief go out on adventure - the Elf armed with a great bow, the Dwarf with a warhammer and the thief with an empty sack "for all the gold we'll find!" They travel for days and days until they approach the entrance to a dangerous and dark dungeon. Bu they see that another par...

There's a lot of bad jokes. Especially the one about the dessert thief

That one really takes the cake

What do you call a sheep thief?

Steel wool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the cops catch the bra thief?

They set a booby trap.

A thief broke into my house while I was sleeping, he started searching for money...

So I woke up and searched with him.

What did the Muslim thief say when he came home?

"Look, ma! ***No hands!***"

A thief breaks into a house and ties up the elderly couple living there

Being criminally minded he decides to kill one of them. To make his decision he asks them some questions to get to know them better.

“What’s your name?” he asks the woman.

“Clementine,” she replies.

“Oh that’s my mother’s name! Don’t worry I won’t kill you.”

Turning to...

What's the difference between a voyeur and a thief?

One watches snatches.

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

The thief

A shop assistant calls the police saying:
“Officer, the same guy who stole stuff from the warehouse yesterday is in my store!”

“Alright, make sure you close off every exit. We’ll be there as soon as possible!”

10 minutes pass, and the agents arrive at the store seeing the man has es...

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

Did you hear about the thief who got annoyed by wooden barriers?

He took a fence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Police chasing after a thief*

Police officer: STOP!

Thief: Shit! I can't run any further.

Police officer: Sounds like you need... arrest!

One day Pablo Picasso returned to his workshop and saw a thief running out...

When the gendarmerie came to investigate, Picasso told them that he could draw a picture of the man. Armed with his drawing, the gendarmes quickly arrested a three-legged dog, a letter box, and the Eiffel Tower.

What do you call a Dalmatian thief with a headache?

Cruella Ad Vil



—————————



...so sorry everyone this is dumb but it just came to me and I had to put it out there.

[Police Station] Me: I want to talk to the thief who broke into my house last night Police: Why do you want to talk to him?

Me: I just want to know how he got into my house without waking up my wife. I’ve been trying it for years

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said: “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the lispy clerk say to the judgmental jewel thief

That is none of your Bismuth

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

Neighbor: So, what are your sons's professions? Man: The first one is an engineer, the second one is a doctor. The third one is a business man and my last son is a thief! Neighbor: What? Why don't you kick your 4th son out of the house?

Man: How can I sir? He is the only one who earns money!

How did the thief get in?

Intruder window.

Why does a Patisserie thief always tell the most remarkable stories?

They always take the cake.

A thief stole a sine and a cosine... He took the two identities to a beach. However, they were too heavy for him to carry.

He wanted to keep them under the sand, but the beach was so narrow that it could only contain one of them: sine or cosine. He decided that, using his mathematical skills, that he would stack sine over cosine - but that resulted in tan! He did not want to get tan. So he stacked cosine over sine... <...

Priest and Thief

A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:

Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.

Father: What is it my son?

Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?

Father : You should return it to him, my son.

Thief takes the purse from his pocke...

I don't know how to properly explain what an 'Art Thief' is

but you get the picture

A thief took my Microsoft Office license key

I'll come and get you thief! You have my Word

A thief has stolen the credit card of a family

The kid asks the father: _"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!"_

Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_

What did the police officer say to the pig thief?

Come out with your hams up!

Two drunk men were walking down the road when they see a nice house..

Carl goes 'Eh, I bet we can push that'
John goes 'Yeaah but let's take our shirts off so we don't get paint on them'

They take their shirts off and hang them off a tree branch and start pushing.... the building.

A thief comes and steals their shirts...

*3 minutes later*
...

Did you hear about the Spanish number thief?

He stole uno and dos, then left without a tres.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the thief get when he took Donald Trump's Viagra?

A stolen erection.

"Stop! Thief!" shouted the fishmonger.

"Don't move a mussel."

What did the hysterical 007 agent say to the car thief?

Hes driving me bond cars.

A nosy identity thief is the absolute worst

He has that annoying habit of making other peoples lifes his own

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar

And that was just the first guy

A car thief gets brought before the judge

Judge: Why did you steel the car?

Thief: I had to get to work.

Judge: And why didn't you take the bus instead?

Thief: I've got no licence for driving a bus.

(English is not my first language and I am on mobile)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coffin thief's dying request to his son

So a coffin thief is on his death bed and his son asks if there is anything he'd like his son to do.

He says I've spent my life stealing coffins and unfortunately, I've earned a very bad reputation along the way. However, he wants people to remember him in good words. He dies shortly thereaft...

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The running champion says to his friend: "A thief ran away with my wallet!"

"And you couldn't catch up with him?"
"Of course I caught up with him, for a while I was comfortably leading, but when I looked back, the bastard was nowhere!"

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

Last night a thief broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets,

Police say they have nothing to go on.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

What kind of shoes would a thief wear?

Sneakers

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

I didn't believe when they told me my brother was a construction site thief

But when I got home, the signs were there

I may be a thief, but I would never steal a ruler...

That’s where I draw the line.

I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.

My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."

Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.

I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?

Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the tampon thief who got out of prison?

Apparently he pulled some strings

A thief was arrested for stealing the world’s finest perfume.

It was a *fragrant violation* of the law.

To the thief who broke into my costume shop and stole the most terrifying mask I had for sale:

I don't know how you can look at yourself in the mirror.

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think)

Police have identified a sole perpetrator.

Few policemen were chasing a thief on the run. Thief ran into a deserted warehouse and police followed him there.

After searching the entire warehouse police could not find the thief and there were no other exits. In frustration, police officer kicked one of the boxes and cat started to meow from inside. Officer kicked another box and dog started to bark from inside. Officer kicked one more box but no sound cam...

Thief breaks into a house

A thief broke into someone's house at night. Out of nowhere he hears "Jesus is watching you". He turns to the left, nothing, then to the right, still nothing. He hears it again "Jesus is watching you". He looks up and sees a parrot.
Thief: "What's your name?"
Parrot: "Moses"
Thief: "What id...

Hi, I'm an identity thief.



My pronouns are you/yours.

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

The thief pulled out his gun, pointed it at the art gallery manager and said

"This is a robbery, give me all your monet!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A thief walked into a shop

I saw a thief walk into a shop and steal milk and butter.

How dairy

An art thief broke into the Louvre.

Through careful studying of the building plans and months of meticulous planning, he was able to evade all the security and stole several priceless paintings.

He then loaded the paintings into his van parked nearby. Just as he was about to leave, he heard the alarm go off in the building.
...

How did the thief escape if I covered all the exits ?

He ran out of the entrance.

What Do You Call An Arrogant Thief Going Down The Stairs?

A Condescending Con Descending.

An identity thief stole an Italian chef's identity.

When the police found him, they accused him if being an impasta.

A woman calls the police to report a thief who stole her glasses.

The police arrive and ask if she remembers what the perpetrator looked like. Sadly by then it was all a blur to her.

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

Where did the online thief flee to?

I don’t know, he ransomware.

In the sentence "the thief stole a television" where is the subject?

In prison

The thief was an expert, left no fingerprints behind.

It was a stainless steal.

The thief that stole my diary and my Bible died today.

My thoughts and prayers are with his family.

Y'all heard about the white shirt wearing thief, who got away with a whole lot of iron and chromium, all without dirtying his clothes?

... It was a stainless steal...




Yes, I'll see myself out... Bye!

A police officer is interrogating a thief

P: So, you tried robbing this bakery in broad daylight?

T: Yes.

P: You just snuck into their kitchen and grabbed a few kitchen utensils before being caught. You know what makes you?

T: A whisk-taker

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

The Art Thief

The Art Theif

A French man goes into the Louvre’s parking with his van. He gets out and goes inside. He sneaks pass guards, gets through barbed wire, avoids lasers and in front of him there is the Mona Lisa. He takes it and manages to get back to his van. When he goes into his van and leaves ...

What did the thief say when he took a Redditors wallet?

Wow, such empty

A thief breaks into a Scotsman's house in the middle of the night...

It wakes the old man, who comes down in his night gown and cap. He calls out to the darkness,

"Oi! Who's there? Who's in ma hoose?"

"It's me," the thief replies, "I'm lookin' for some money."

The old man pauses for a moment. He then talks back, "Hold on. I'll grab a torch, and w...

What did Keanu Reeves say to the air thief

Your breathtaking!

Why did the music thief get such good grades?

He was really good at taking notes

Being a thief isn't always easy. A lot of times, I'll demand for someone to empty their pockets...

...just for them to empty their bladder instead. It's not a hard instruction.

A thief was recently arrested for stealing loaves of sourdough...

He was caught bread-handed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Leprechaun Thief

I met a Leprechaun once, in a pub in Ireland. He was just minding his own business when I sat down on the stool next to him and ordered my drink.

"Your favourite Stout, please.", i said to the bartender. The Leprechaun turned his head and sized me up.

"You're a proper lad", he quipped....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a robbery in a jewelry shop, but when the police arrive, the thief has escaped

One agent says to another:

"If we do not arrest anyone the boss is going to get angry"

The other agent looks around and sees a drunk man sleeping in a corner, and says:

"Well, we take that drunk and we say it was him"

They take him to the police station, where they inter...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

What did the chicken nugget thief say to his victim?

Nothing, he just took the nugget and dipped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the thief say to the stripper?

There are hot singles in your area

A thief, a child molester and a priest walk into a bar

He orders a drink

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese?

Stop stealing my cheese

A thief stole a third of my cow.

Ow.

Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief?

He had loco motives.

A convicted thief comes out of court and calls his wife:

-What did they say, Rob?

-Either 3 years in prison or $100,000

-Don't be stupid, take the money!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?



What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

The Orange Thief

A little boy stole a big sack of oranges from a grove. As he meets his friend who was acting as a lookout, they quickly run away. Soon, they decide to eat the oranges. One of the boys suggests the local cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the b...

Thief

A thief has been stealing wheels off of police cars.

The police are working tirelessly to find him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the squash farmer say to the produce thief at the farmers market?

You butternut steal my squash!

He was a natural born thief.

He had his mother's looks, his father's nose, and the doctor's watch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To the bastard thief who stole my anti-depressants...

... I hope you're fucking happy now!

Thief

Thief : ( Pointing gun) Give me your money.
Politician : Do you know Who You are talking to ?I am a lawmaker.
Thief : Okay! Then give me my money.( Pressing the gun harder)

A detective and his partner were tracking a thief--their two suspects were an Eskimo and a Canadian.

The detective had told his partner he knew it was the Eskimo, but he didn't have any hard evidence to support his theory.

Finally, at a stakeout, they caught the criminal in the act--and sure enough, as they emerged from the shadows, the perpetrator was the Eskimo. Vindicated, the detective...

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