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Murderer Jokes

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A Sadist, a masochist, a murderer..

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have s...

A domestic abuser, a klansmen, and a murderer walk into a bar.

Bartender: what will it be, officer?

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

What do you call an obese murderer?

A killer whale.

Jokes about murderers aren’t funny.

Unless they’re executed properly, that is.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

What do you call a deaf and blind axe murderer?

Helen Killer

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

Best name for a serial-murderer rabbit

Ted Bunny

Did you hear about the mass murderer who moonlighted as a model

He had the face of a 20-year-old, then a 35-year-old, then a 16-year-old...

I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Almost Murderer

*In jail*

Guy: "So what are you in for?"

Me: *Thinking back on trying to collect and breed crows* "Attempted Murder."

When a murderer is chasing you...

... you're both running for your life.

A Priest, a stalker and a murderer go into a bar.

He orders a beer.

Why was the murderer arrested at the party?

He brought some body with him.

What is the differrence between a Saudi murderer and a Mexican murderer?

a few billion dollars.

a murderer joins a party

he killed the mood instantly

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[NSFW] I took a girl back to my place last night...

...as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your arse?"

She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?"

I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."


[EDIT]: My top post ever is about sadism! Damn I love Red...

They say that there is a potential murderer in every friend group

I suspected it was Dave so I killed him before he could harm anyone.

I'm a murderer

Others would kill to have my job

A police officer, a Klansman and a murderer walk into a bar...

And then he sits down and orders a drink.

What do you call a murderer who can't speak?

Silent but deadly

What did the axe murderer say when he was in a hurry?

Chop chop.

Murderer: I’m gonna kill you

Me:what’s the catch

What do you call a mass murderer on a bike?

A Cyclepath.

People say that I'm a murderer

but I can't be, some of my friends are alive..

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

Robinhood was originally a child kidnapper and murderer

But with what's going on today, it appears he also takes their money.

Enjoy your meat! murderer....

... said Gina, the vegan girl to his boyfriend.

John: Oh God, not this again. Can't we have a quiet dinner without mentioning when I shot your mother?

What medicine is praised for being a murderer?

A pain killer

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A zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist are sitting together in a prison cell...

The zoophiliac looks around himself and muses:

"Damn, I wish there was a cat around here... ya know, we could... fuck the cat."

His inmates nod in agreement. The murderer then says:

"Or we could fuck it, and then kill it!"

The necrophiliac turns to the others and, grinni...

I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?

What do you call a murderer who goes camping?

Criminal intent

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar

and that's only the first guy

Where does a murderer ride his bike?

A cycle path.

Cain, the first murderer, walks into a bar.

The bartender says "hey, you're new here, ain't'cha? We've got a promotion going on here; if you can land this ping pong ball in that cup over there, you get a free drink. up for it?"


Cain responds "Sorry, I don't think I'm Abel."

I've always wanted to be a murderer...

Helping socially inept crows get together has always been a dream of mine

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

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A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, an arsonist, a necrophile and a masochist see a cat in the street

The sadist proclaims loudly, "I want to torture that cat."

Not to be easily outdone, the rapist says, "I want to torture that cat and then fuck it."

Following suit, the murderer says "I want to torture the cat, fuck it and then kill it."

The arsonist says, "I wanna torture the c...

what's the best place to hide if a murderer breaks into your house?

the living room.

An antivaxxer, a child murderer, and a bioterrorist walk into a bar.

*walks

I went out for a nice, juicy, rare steak for lunch and my wife said "Enjoying your meat then, Murderer?"

I replied: "Can we not just have one lunch without you mentioning that time I shot your mother?"

A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes...

A murderer is being hanged for his crimes, one of the officers ask him,” Do you have any last wishes?” The murderer replies,” Yes, actually can I get a high five?” The police officer is confused but agrees, he then asks the murderer why he wanted such a weird last wish, the murder then replies,” I j...

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

Q: what kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A: a cereal killer

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A murderer a rapist and a cheater walk in a bar.

The bartender says, guys I told you a million times gillette stadium is next door.

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