UPJOKE
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i started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt years ago

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

On which side a mug has its handle?

Outside.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

When the person who mugs you only finds a dollar in your pocket

John is on his way home late at night when he's attacked by a mugger. After a great struggle, the mugger overcomes him, searches his pockets, but only finds a single dollar.

"What sort of guy puts up a fight like that for just a dollar?" says the mugger.

"I'm not that stupid," says Jo...

In New York, someone is mugged every 14.5 minutes.

Why doesn't he move away?

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

I went to a mug making workshop today, but it was pretty tough and ended up with a bowl..

I just couldn't handle it.

I put root beer in a square mug.

Now I have beer.

A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City

He is starting to get really fed up.

Why did the barbarian mug the bard?

So he could take the lute!

How to help your local politician qualify for a mental asylum

A politician is visiting the local mental asylum, and asks "How do you decide whether someone should be admitted here?"

"Well," says the director, "We fill up a bath with water, then give the patient a teaspoon, a mug, and a bucket, and ask them to empty the bath as quickly as possible."
<...

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

What do you call it when you accidentally put Vietnamese noodles in a coffee mug instead of a bowl?

A pho cup.

I experienced my first mugging last night...

I got a little banged up, but at least I now have some beer money!

I went to London the other day and was mugged in broad daylight at the train station.

Naturally I burst into tears, and then a policeman came up to me and said, “I’m fining you £10.”

“For crying out loud!” I exclaimed.

“Exactly,” he replied.

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home...

Pointing a knife at me...He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am married...so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together
It was a beautiful moment...

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails.

When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

I saw a man getting mugged by 2 dudes so I stepped in to help

he didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us

A topologist walks into a donut shop.

He grabs a mug and a donut at the counter, then goes to fill the mug at the self serve station. At the self serve station he pours coffee on his donut then bites his mug.

Why is it smart to ask your coffee mug for advice?

Because it always has a handle on every thing.

Sloth gets mugged

A sloth gets mugged by three turtles. At the police station the cop asks him if he got a good look at the muggers. The sloth replies "I don't know, it all happened so fast".

I got mugged by 6 dwarves today

Not Happy.

My pet tortoise got mugged by 3 snails.

When he was interviewed by the police, He said ' I don't know, it happened so fast'

I got mugged in a dark alley by K-pop stars

Now I have BTSD

A hot mug of divorce

My wife said yesterday that she's almost out of coffee beans. I said "Well I guess that's it, instant coffee for you from here on out."

She asked me "How about divorce from here on out"?

I said "C'MON, that's what you're going to cite as grounds for divorce?"

Two turtles get mugged...

Two turtles are walking down the street, while all of a sudden, a third turtle comes up to them and robs them. The two call the police to report the robbery, and when the police officer comes to the crime scene and asks the two turtles what happened, one of them replies, "I don't know....it all happ...

Happy Fathers Day Quotes,,,

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” —*Jerry Seinfeld*

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.” —*Rita ...

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein

How can a topology student tell the difference between a coffee mug and a doughnut?

He can't.

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

A man walks into a bra and asks for a mug of beer.

"Sorry sir," says the bartender, "We only serve in cups here."

I almost got mugged today

Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.

Magician mugging

I got mugged by a magician the other day. He pulled a knife on me, but what was weird is that it was behind my ear the whole time.

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

A kangaroo walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a Fosters with a frosty mug." The kangaroo says,

"No, just give me something hoppy."

What do skeletons use to mug people?

A shoulder blade

What does Robin Hood shout back as he runs away after a mugging?

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

Me to Wife: "Boy, it sure is muggy outside."

Wife: "If I go outside and all of our mugs are sitting on the front porch, we're getting a divorce."

Me: *quietly sips coffee from a bowl.*

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...

She said, ”No, only tea.”

A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

I was mugged today! They stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole situation

I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help!

She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.

The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."

Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor ...

I once saw my grandma get mugged

And $20 is all she gave me

Alice brings her friend Kelly over to her house for the first time

They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge.

Kelly sees a pretty-looking cookie jar on the windowsill and goes to pick it up and admire it. "Wow, this is really beautiful." she muses as she opens the lid. "..but, uh.. what's this stuff inside it?"

"...

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A russian, an american and a dane are drinking beer, and get into a bragging contest.

The russian says: "Our navy is so large that if all the ships set out to sea at once, the fish in the ocean won't have a single spot where they can reach the surface"

The american looks sceptically at him and says: "Well, our mighty airforce is so large that if all the planes take off at once...

I was being mugged the other day...

The guy said, "Give me all your money or else you're biology!"
I said, "Don't you mean history?"
He told me "Don't change the subject!"

Mugged in D.C

A mugger stops a well-dressed man with a gun to his ribs and says "Give me your money"

The man replies back "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case," says the robber, "Give me MY money!"

So on the way home my coffee mug was stolen

I guess you could say I was mugged

When somebody tried to mug me, I raised my magnum...

But then I realized I was bringing an ice-cream to a gunfight.

Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

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A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

What do you call a picture where the prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cellfies

I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

What do you call a mug thats a politician?

A member of the cabinet.

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

I was looking out the window this morning and saw a man mugging someone at gunpoint. I took my phone and started recording but realized I had the front cam on. He got away before I could switch.

Welp, I can see myself making this mistake again.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a mug of cold beer...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last mug".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his drink, but the mug of beer is still full. He asks, "Are you going to chug that beer?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the mug of beer over ...

So this redneck in New York is getting mugged...

and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the redneck. "I thought you were going af...

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug

to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java.

He hates me.

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Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar

They all sit on stools at the counter, and the bartender comes to serve them right away.


"What will it be gentlemen?"


The first Vampire asks for a half pint of blood, and after getting his, takes a sip and smiles wide, flashing his white fangs.


"What'll it be to you ...

When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?

When it gets a handle on life.

What did one mug say to another mug after they got mugged?

call the cups!

I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning.

On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "sort it out yourselves."

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

Why did the slug die after being mugged?

He was a-salted.

Ever heard the time when I got mugged?

My friend really hit me hard with that cup.

A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York.

What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

I didn’t get a lap dance!

It was an erotic mugging

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

I got mugged last night! My assailants made off with everything from my shoes to my mood ring...

I still don't know how I feel about that.

A man gets mugged.

He goes in for a police sketch.
The police has the picture and asks him if this is accurate.

He says, “he looks sketchier than when i saw him”

I got attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I got Attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask, so I couldn't Idenitfy him.

So a prisoner took his own mug shot...

He called it his "cellfie".

I had a customer who used to come to my pub regularly to drink 4 mugs of beer each day.

I had a customer who used to come to my pub regularly to drink 4 mugs of beer each day.

Out of curiosity, I asked him why always 4?

He answered, ' I have 3 brothers, we used to drink beer regularly and now they have moved to another side of the world and to celebrate our brotherhood ev...

If I had a dollar for every mugging in S Chicago...

I'd still have nothing

What does Samuel Jackson say when he is mugging you?

What's in your wallet?

I was mugged......

.....by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. " Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

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