A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

I was mugged at a bus station, and burst in to tears.

A police officer came up to me and said 'I'm fining you £60'.

I said, 'oh, for crying out loud'

The police officer said 'yes'

I got mugged in a dark alley by K-pop stars

Now I have BTSD

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

A tortoise was crossing the road, when two snails mugged him.

The police arrived and asked what the muggers looked like.

Shaken, the tortoise said "I don't know. It all happened so fast!"

I got mugged yesterday by a gang of six dwarves.

Not Happy.

I put root beer in a square mug.

Now I have beer.

A hot mug of divorce

My wife said yesterday that she's almost out of coffee beans. I said "Well I guess that's it, instant coffee for you from here on out."

She asked me "How about divorce from here on out"?

I said "C'MON, that's what you're going to cite as grounds for divorce?"

Two turtles get mugged...

Two turtles are walking down the street, while all of a sudden, a third turtle comes up to them and robs them. The two call the police to report the robbery, and when the police officer comes to the crime scene and asks the two turtles what happened, one of them replies, "I don't know....it all happ...

Pablo Picasso was once mugged in the street...

When the police questioned him on the appearance of the culprit, he did the reconstruction sketch himself.

The investigation went rather quickly. On the first day, the police had already arrested 3 handicapped people, 3 elderly women, 2 fish, and a sewing machine.

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "sort it out yourselves."

An Internet Explorer user was recently mugged by a snail, a turtle, and a sloth.

When reporters asked him if he could describe the muggers, he responded, "Not very well. It all happened so fast."

I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

I saw a man getting mugged by 2 dudes so I stepped in to help

he didn't stand a chance against the 3 of us

Magician mugging

I got mugged by a magician the other day. He pulled a knife on me, but what was weird is that it was behind my ear the whole time.

I almost got mugged today

Guy runs up on me with a knife and says' "Your money or your life."
I said, "Look, man, I'm married. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no life."
He gave me a hug and a cigarette.

A kangaroo walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "I suppose you want a Fosters with a frosty mug." The kangaroo says,

"No, just give me something hoppy."

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

A man walks into a bra and asks for a mug of beer.

"Sorry sir," says the bartender, "We only serve in cups here."

Someone stole my favorite coffee cup right off my desk at work.

Now I have to go down to the police station and look at some mug shots.

An man walks into the bar I'm in...

An older, disheveled man walks into a bar, sits down next to me and orders a shot of Absinthe.
He slams it back, leans to the side and rips a fart out loud that audibly sounds out"hhhhhhonnnnnda."

He orders another shot of Absinthe.
Again, another audible "hhhhonnnda" fart.

This...

How can a topology student tell the difference between a coffee mug and a doughnut?

He can't.

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Two cops are talking...

Two cops are talking, the first one says: "my boy is such a stupid mug, I asked him to go to the bar and see if I was there, he came back telling me I wasn't there, so stupid!"
The other cop laughing says: "you're right so stupid, but why didn't he call you!"

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Learning the ways..

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Red Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, p...

What does Robin Hood shout back as he runs away after a mugging?

"Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help!

She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.

I once saw my grandma get mugged

And $20 is all she gave me

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...

I really need to wash some mugs.

I was mugged today! They stole my mood ring.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole situation

What did the sloth say when he was mugged by a bunch of snails ?

"it all happened so fast!"

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A joke my Russian friend sent me

A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The...

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

What do skeletons use to mug people?

A shoulder blade

I got mugged by a thief last night.

I got mugged by a theif last night on my way from work.

Pointing a knife at me and asked me... "Your money or your life!".

I told him I am Married... "So I have no money and I have no life... ".

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment....

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The Japanese invented a thief catching robot.

After running successful lab trials they decided to test it. After deploying in Tokyo the robot caught 35 thieves in 24 hours.

The news Broke out.

Much Impressed, the Brits ordered the robot for themselves. After deploying in London the robot busted 65 thieves under 8 hours.

The...

So on the way home my coffee mug was stolen

I guess you could say I was mugged

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...

She said, ”No, only tea.”

A man died this morning when he fell asleep and drown in his oversized coffee mug. But he didn't suffer

it was instant

I was looking out the window this morning and saw a man mugging someone at gunpoint. I took my phone and started recording but realized I had the front cam on. He got away before I could switch.

Welp, I can see myself making this mistake again.

What is coffee's least favorite crime?

Muggings

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The barte...

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub

A guy walks into a fabulously hip gastro pub that only specializes in craft-made IPAs and locally brewed beers. He carries in his own German-made beer mug and pops it up on the bar. "Pour me a Bud Light!" he says. " The waitress recoils and looks to the bartender for guidance. "Fill His Stein," the ...

I was victim of mugging once

I had walked down to the grocery store to get a few ingredients for pot roast. I already had the meat in the fridge at home so I really just needed the vegetables. I picked out some onions, carrots, and some potatoes. After paying, I started walking back to my apartment. Some mean looking guy po...

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A middle-class white woman goes to a beach, pulls out a mug and fills it with sea water.

She takes a large swig and sighs with relief as she gulps. A nearby beach-goer sees this.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking tea," replied the woman.

"Tea?"

"Yes, tea."

"That's not tea!" said the beach-goer.

"I think you'll find that this is the strongest t...

I was being mugged the other day...

The guy said, "Give me all your money or else you're biology!"
I said, "Don't you mean history?"
He told me "Don't change the subject!"

What do you call a mug thats a politician?

A member of the cabinet.

Mugged in D.C

A mugger stops a well-dressed man with a gun to his ribs and says "Give me your money"

The man replies back "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case," says the robber, "Give me MY money!"

An insect falls into a mug of beer

Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out.

American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.

Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away.

Indian : Sells the beer to the American, insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.

Pakistani : Accuses t...

When somebody tried to mug me, I raised my magnum...

But then I realized I was bringing an ice-cream to a gunfight.

What do you call a picture where the prisoners take their own mug shots?

Cellfies

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt.

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

Courtesy of my 6-year-old: How does a coffee mug fight off dementors?

Espresso patronum

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A guy sitting at a bar..

After his second drink Says to the bartender I bet you 500 bucks I could piss in that cup over there and not miss a drop. The bartender agrees and set the mug down a few feet away, the man stands on stool and begins to pee perfectly into the mug, not missing one drop. The bartender was amazed. Deter...

A snail went to the police station to report that he had been mugged.

He said "I've been robbed by two tortoises"

The desk officer said "Can you describe the incident"

The snail replied "No not really it all happened so fast "

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

Ever heard the time when I got mugged?

My friend really hit me hard with that cup.

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a mug of cold beer...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last mug".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his drink, but the mug of beer is still full. He asks, "Are you going to chug that beer?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the mug of beer over ...

I finished my coffee and noticed 6 letters written on the bottom of the mug.

I C U R M T

So this redneck in New York is getting mugged...

and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the redneck. "I thought you were going af...

the American and the Finn

An american is talking to his firend. He tells his friend that he found out he has Finnic roots, and that he went on holiday to visit his far relative.

the friend: So, was your holiday fun?

The american: Yes, but i was scammed out of a thousand dollars!

the friend: How come? You...

Ten horses walk out of a bar. They see another horse getting mugged by a big scary dude in an alleyway. The horses are unsure if they should intervene. One brave horse says, "Let's put it to a vote! If you want to help him, say aye!"

They don't help him.

Why did the slug die after being mugged?

He was a-salted.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug

to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java.

He hates me.

When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug?

When it gets a handle on life.

A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

So a turtle gets mugged by two snails on his way home

When the police finally show up they ask the turtle,

"Mr. Turtle, tell us everything!"

The turtle responds with fear still in his eyes,

"I can't officer, it all happened so fast!"

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York.

What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

I said to my wife, 'it's really muggy outside today."

She looked at me and replied, 'if I go outside and all of our mugs are on the lawn, I'm leaving you!"

\*\*Me: Smugly continued sipping coffee from a bowl

I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon.

On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Family brain storming of dad jokes, feedback wanted.... why didn't the fly like the police?

Because of the SWAT.

#2 What did the therapist mug say to the cup?

You need to get a handle on that.

A couple of years ago Barry went hiking across Europe

But as time passed by he never returned home. His many friends tried contacting him in any way they could imagine, but his phone was disconnected, he wasn't active on his social media accounts anymore - it was like he disappeared off the face of the Earth.

Ultimately, everyone had forgotten a...

I saw a homeless man sleeping and I thought to myself, "What if you get mugged?"

So just to be safe, I took his guitar.

A man gets mugged.

He goes in for a police sketch.
The police has the picture and asks him if this is accurate.

He says, “he looks sketchier than when i saw him”

I got attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

I got Attacked and mugged by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask, so I couldn't Idenitfy him.

I had a customer who used to come to my pub regularly to drink 4 mugs of beer each day.

I had a customer who used to come to my pub regularly to drink 4 mugs of beer each day.

Out of curiosity, I asked him why always 4?

He answered, ' I have 3 brothers, we used to drink beer regularly and now they have moved to another side of the world and to celebrate our brotherhood ev...

I was mugged......

.....by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. " Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Why did the German physicist keep getting mugs for his birthday?

He only had ein stein.

If I had a dollar for every mugging in S Chicago...

I'd still have nothing

I got mugged last night! My assailants made off with everything from my shoes to my mood ring...

I still don't know how I feel about that.

I was mugged by a guy equipped with kitchen utensils.

I considered running, but it was a big whisk.

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

What does Samuel Jackson say when he is mugging you?

What's in your wallet?

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