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Unlikely Jokes

I asked God what the most unlikely thing in the world was.

He replied.

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An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the m...

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I watch zombie movies to prepare for weird events, however unlikely it may be.

The same is true for porn.

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

It’s unlikely that President Trump truly has COVID...

He’s been paying others to take his tests for 65 years.

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

Whats the most unlikely line to read in the bible ?

The characters in this book are entirely fictional.

Your partner for this mission is the man you’ll need in the unlikely event things go badly.

Justin Case

In the unlikely event you have a 1 iron

and are caught golfing during a lightning storm, hold it up. Because even God himself cannot hit a 1 iron.

Disclaimer: a friend of mine told me this one on the golf course today. Neither I nor he wrote this joke, just thought it was really funny.

There's a statistic that says hippos kill more people every year than sharks.

Makes sense. It seems very unlikely for a hippo to find a shark in the savanah.

My parents always take separate planes so that in the unlikely event of a crash, at least one of them will still be alive to be there for us children.

They're eighty five now --- the whole thing is like some sick joke they're playing on us.

Picked up a hitch-hiker.

Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

Man in court.

The man who has a stammer, has been jailed.

The Judge has ruled he's unlikely to complete his sentence.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

What is a depressed German with Celiac disease unlikely to have tomorrow?

A Gluten Morgan

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A trucker is driving his rig at night

He's on the phone to one of his mates. At one point he asks:

"Fred, what would you say is the height of the largest type of penguin?"

"That's a really weird question Tom, but I guess around 120cm"

"Ah... are you sure? Not tall as say, a human?"

"I wouldn't say so Tom, see...

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John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart...

So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.

“So, I saw your father yesterday.”

This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John wou...

Two men sitting at a bar...

Two men are sitting next to each other at the bar well into their drinking. The first man says to the bartender, in a thick Irish accent, “Sir, another shot of your finest whiskey!” The second man looks at the first and says, with an equally thick accent, “Well I’ll be, by chance do you come from Ir...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

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In my past life, I was a message delivery man in an army base

One day, I got a letter for Bravo Company, and took off to deliver it as quickly as I could. When I found them they were doing exercises in one of the yards, I walked up to the sergeant to deliver the message.

He took the letter, read it over, folded it and put it in his pocket. Then he yell...

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An escort goes to the hospital

She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous.

She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?”
The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?”
She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve b...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill afterall!"

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