Clocks, Trump, and Heaven

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course...

Another talking frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to play golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

What was the most unbelievable miracle that Jesus performed?

Having 12 close friends in his thirties.

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

Unbelievable!!! My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, so in revenge I stole her wheelchair...

Well, guess who came crawling back today...

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 AM. Unbelievable, 2 AM!

Luckily I was still up practicing with my band.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you put a sex addict, a drug addict and the unbelievable will to grow?

~~Tiger Woods~~

~~Tom Brady~~

~~Michael Phillips~~

**TYRION LANNISTER**

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

Unbelievable! I need to have a lobotomy tomorrow

I'm gonna give the surgeon a piece of my mind

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This may sound unbelievable, but I can tie a rope for you by eating it.

I shit you knot.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

Lesser known Knights of the Round Table

“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize

“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference

“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf

“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render

“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real

...

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes." The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence a...

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two years ago, my friend told me the worst joke I'd ever heard. Here it is for those of you who don't know it

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

10 unbelievable therapy treatments!

Number 5 will shock you.

There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable....

Me: I got a brand new Mercedes for my wife

Friend: Wow what an unbelievable offer!!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

April fools day is cancelled

as no made up prank could match the unbelievable shit going on right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] The unbelievable Bob

A couple spend their honeymoon in a beautiful city and, during a walk, they go through a house of porno shows,
with a sign to announce:

"Today, the unbelievable Bob".

The couple decides to come in and the show begins with Bob, 39, in a bed with a blonde, a brunette and a ginger,
...

A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife "isn't it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?" The wife replies saying "yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50...

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face

The bartender says “why are you so happy?”

The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position...

Apparently 2 in 5 Swedes are conceived in an IKEA bed, which is unbelievable to me,

because those stores are very well lit.

Story of Unbelievable

There was a guy whose name was Unbelievable. He was married to a very nice woman for years. Both of them were a very contented couple. One day when he was very old and sick, he said to his wife

"My dear wife, I lived with this weird name all my life. Now that I'm dying, i want you to promise ...

A man was standing at the bus stop.

Suddenly he saw a very fit-looking old man.
He went to the old man,and said-

Man-'Sir,you look very fit. What's the secret of your looking so fit and young?'

Old man-'I smoke 30 cigars a day.
I drink 4-5 bottles of vodka daily,and I am a serious drug-addict.
And I hate doin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 guys are talking at a bar

one guy tells the other "unbelievable my 3rd wife died" the other guy says" what happened to the first one? "he says" she ate poisonous mushrooms" "and the second?" he replies "poisonous mushrooms" shocked the other guy says "and let me guess the third one ate some poisonous mushrooms" the other gu...

My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride

Unbelievable!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Nurses chat in an Office

Three nurses are chatting in an office.The first one says:

''So today,i touched my husband John's balls and they were cold as ice!'' she says.

''Wow! Unbelievable!'' says the second nurse.

''I have touched my husband Peter's balls too and they were also cold as ice!'' says the s...

2 Tigers At The Bronx Zoo Are Talking

Fred: Hey did you hear what happened to Bob the Tiger?

Larry: Yea, COVID-19. Unbelievable! How could he get a human illness?

Fred: He had a zookeeper for dinner last week.

Larry: That's terrible.

Fred: It gets worse.

Larry: Bob ate a human who gave him Coronavirus,...

I don’t believe in anything...

Unbelievable, I know.

The Bible has so many fantastic stories

It's unbelievable!

UNBELIEVABLE!!! Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

A patient is at the doctors office and the doctor tells him he has bad news and worst news

Patient: Alright doc give me the bad news

Doctor: Unfortunately you have AIDS

Patient: That’s terrible news, I can’t believe it. What could the worst news possibly be

Doctor: Well the worst news is you have Alzheimers

Patient: That’s unbelievable doc, you were right t...

Crafty ex-wife

Out of the blue, John casually told his wife he wanted a divorce. – I’ve fallen in love with Stacy, that new young lady at the office, he said. – You can stay in the house until next week. We need to find a buyer quickly so Stacy and I can get an apartment in the city. Naturally Johns wife was devas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fuckmonster....

This is probably a repost but I have not seen it and told this joke over twenty years ago...



One day a woman is out shopping for a gift to give her friend for her birthday. Her friend had tons of things and liked really weird items, the kind of things that most people would just look...

What did both the Christian and the Atheist say to God?

You're Unbelievable.

Todd took a week off from the office.

He booked a vacation to go skiing. Before his first trip down the mountain, he heard an unbelievable rumble, and before he could move he was covered in snow. He found shelter in a small cave and was able to start a fire and make himself comfortable until help arrived. After a few hours, there was a ...

Women and their husbands...

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next h...

My wife and her boss won the lottery..

Me: Honey I see you got a new gucci bag, where'd you get it?

Wife: My boss and I bought a lottery ticket together and won! I bought the bag with my half of the winnings

*next day wife comes home with new ring

Me: that's a great new ring you have on today. Where did you get this...

A pick up line for atheists

Did you fall from heaven?

Because your unbelievable.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies were out for a saturday stroll

One had a doberman and the other had a chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Dober...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend invited me to her house.

My girlfriend invited me to her house where I found her sister alone. So I sat there waiting for my girlfriend while her unbelievable sexy sister was sitting next to me. A few moments later she whispered to me 'we should have sex while my sister isn't home. I immediately got up and turned around to ...

A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.

“This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”

“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies. “I don’t have a son.”

The flea jumping competition begins

Fleas from all over the country have gathered here today to take part in the contest. Expect an incredible show.

=

Team 1 from Muts-4-homes Animal Shelter take the stage.

=

The team lines up on the platform...

=

6 --
5 --
...

The perfect guy

After a long run of many disappointing guys, this girl finally meets a guy of her dreams. They go on a date.

The girl asks: "you are really handsome, I really look forward to give it a try. Do you mind if I ask you few questions?"

The guy answers: "sure, what is it?"

The girl as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So how about a real joke about Bulgarians for a change?

A flying saucer beams up a German engineer, an Indian guru and a Bulgarian. The three of them are informed by an alien in a lab coat that standard procedure when contacting an unfamiliar species is to subject them to the standardized intergalactic intelligence test.

"You will be put in an air...

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub,

drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

A family is found murdered

The police investigate 3 suspects, a neighbor, a relative, one of the father's coworkers. All of them deny it and have an alibi. The neighbor was grocery shopping, the relative was on vacation, and the coworker was home watching The Walking Dead. The police arrest the father's coworker. They found t...

A man with an orange for a head is drinking in a bar...

another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."

So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few year...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Alaskan Miner

Desperate for work, Paul decides to accept a job offer mining deep in Alaska. After a long journey he arrives at the mining camp, 200 miles from civilization. The camp is small, with only a handful of miners.

He promptly meets up with the manager, and asks what his duties are.

"Firstly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor of Logic

A guy sees his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.

The new neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neigbhbor then asks, "Oh yeah, what do you teach?"

"Logic," the professor repon...

Mike is leaving his apartment to go to a club.

As he's leaving, he sees his neighbor Frank. The two are about the same age, but barely know each other. In fact, Mike doesn't even like looking at Frank because he's ugly as sin, not to mention he always smells like a wet dog. And so he waits a few minutes before leaving so he doesn't have to inter...

An improbable premise walks into a bar...

Bartender asks, "What can I get you?"

Premise replies, "Just water."

Bartender shakes his head with irritation, "Unbelievable."

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

A hairdresser got arrested for dealing drugs and running an escort service.

Unbelievable. Been a customer for years and I never knew he was a hairdresser!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy visits a farm

He is given a tour by the farmer. At some point he spots a pig with a wooden leg. What's the story of this pig over there, he asks the farmer.
Oh! Glad you asked. This pig, he's something else. Last year, we had a fire in the house. Flames and smoke everywhere. We all got out in time but then my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Engineers Are Debating the Nature of God...

They are a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer. They each speak their opinion on God's nature in turn.

The mechanical engineer says "God is a mechanical engineer". He proceeds to detail the workings of the human skeletal system, with its intricate joints and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are sitting in a bar one night on the 20th floor of a hotel.

The first guy says to the second guy "Did you know if you jump out the window, right around the time you pass the 10th floor there is a huge updraft that will lift you back up to the bar?"

The second guy, of course, doesn't believe him so he says "Prove it!"

So the first guy jumps out ...

Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’...

True love lasts forever

It's the World Cup Final and Tim decides to go to the match. He sits down and notices that the position beside him is empty. Then he turns to the guy who is sitting next to the empty seat and asks if the seat is taken. "No," the man says, "the seat is empty". "That's unbelievable," says Tim. "Who wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George hears the voice of God

George owns a grocery store and makes decent money. One day, he hears the voice God. God says, "Sell your store and move to Vegas." George, a devout Christian, complies. So George is walking down the Strip, when God says, "head into this casino and play blackjack." George does. After playing a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today, six girls...

flashed me their tits. Now, that sounds unbelievable, dozen tit?

|

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another married couple was on vacation in Jamaica

Richard and Wendy were newlyweds, on their honeymoon in Jamaica. They were sitting on the beach in front of their small bungalow near Kingston.

"I barely remember last night, Wendy," said Richard, sipping his dark and stormy, "It was all a blur. What did I... and why does my..."

"Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do atheists scream out 'oh my God' during sex?

Because it's unbelievable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf with the boss

A man and his boss skip work one weekday afternoon for a round of golf. They tee off at 1:00 and after 2 holes they catch up to a twosome of women. The women are playing unbearably slowly.

After waiting nearly an hour to play a hole, the men discuss how to get around these slow-playing wome...

25 years married, and not a single argument

Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary...

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their happy going marriage.

NDTV corespondent wa...

A fish goes into an underwater psychologist's office...

"You've got to help me, doc," the fish says. "I've never been so upset."

The psychologist - who can somehow speak and survive in the ocean - adjusts his glasses and tries to project a welcoming demeanor. "Well, I'll certainly do what I can," he says, "but first, I'll need to hear about your p...

There's an amazing bar in New York...

Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.

Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.