Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men

We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

Watching Queen's Gambit really put me in the holiday spirit. Especially the scene where the player are in the hotel lobby bragging about the matches they won

I love chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

I’m really bad at saying no to people, especially beautiful women.

Which is ironic because they’re really good at saying no to me.

There's a new cemetery in my town especially for people who died of obesity.

If you're looking for the address, it's 1 Pasta Way.

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Singers can be selfish arseholes, especially when warming up...

It’s all “me me me me me me me”

Can we please stop doing women specific jokes, especially about menstruation?

They aren't funny, period.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

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Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

I believe pencils are superior to pens, especially for filling out crossword puzzles.

Does that make me erasist?

Yesterday I ate a clock

It was very time consuming...

Especially when I went back for seconds

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

With all this quarantining we have to be especially careful of drummers

When this is over they’re gonna come out thinking they can play guitar and sing

I hate people who take drugs...

Especially border control.

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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

Scientist say ticks will be especially bad this year

Guess we're going to have some cases of Corona with Lyme.

Guy Takes His Blonde Girlfriend To Her First Football Game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

There is a new dating-app especially for peadophiles.

Kinder

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at ...

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

I interviewed with the CIA today.

I interviewed with the CIA today. It was really cool, especially when they told me all abou

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and
soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my
head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, th...

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman.

It's second to nun.

Just in time for the farmers thanksgiving. NSFW

There was this farmer that every morning would wake up and the first thing he would do is fart. Wet farts, dry farts, stinky farts, and especially loud farts. His wife would constantly tell him, “Honey, you really need to go to the doctor and have them look at that, one day you’ll end up farting you...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

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Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

Its fun hanging with your friends in the public.

Especially when you’re all depressed.

Everything is relative.

Especially in Alabama.

I hate it when people say I'm salty

Especially cannibals

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

The Witches just came out.

Glad to see it; especially now that they’ve legalized same-hex marriage.

It's hard to be a Buddhist in todays digital world, especially when it comes to emails.

No attachments.

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Three musicians and their wives are all killed in a terrible accident on their way to a music conference.

They are music teachers -- a band director, orchestra director, and choir director. They arrive at the pearly gates and, after a bit of a wait, St. Peter appears and asks them what they want. The one steps forward and says, "I'm a band director, and my wife and I just died and would like to get into...

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Unbearable

Bear walks into a bar in Bandera and says “Gimme a beer”. Bartender says “Sorry, but we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Bandera”. Well the bear doesn’t like that and again says “Gimme a beer”, and again the bartender says “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Bandera”. By now the bear is pr...

The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.

When thrown at a close-range, especially.

There once was a man who looked especially ugly

Feeling depressed about being the ugliest person in the world, he tried to kill himself, only for a slightly less ugly person to save him at the last minute.

“Thank you, kind sir! Why did you save me?”

“I don’t want first place.”

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, “it is time.”

But Jesus and his friends can’t hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. “Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he’ll likely b...

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

I'm a big fan of air conditioning

Especially if the air is trying to be rebellious.

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

I’m a Big Fan of Indy Films.

Especially “Raiders of the Lost Ark”

My friends and I have a lot of fun riding jet skis That time we had a fatal crash on the coast was especially hilarious.

We littorally died.

gigahertz ?

it sure does ; especially when i do it with frequency !!

A burger selling shop had so little business that they were about to close.

The boss, however, suddenly came up with a bright idea in the middle of supervising the employees (especially needed because since there were no customers, the employees would look at their phones) and yelled, "EUREKA!""We'll set up a challenge!" he cried to the slightly bewildered employees. "Let's...

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

Its funny that we named fishnet leggings after fishnets

Especially considering the fact that the people in them are never a catch

Is difficult to distinguish between cirrus, stratus, and cumulus clouds...

...especially since most of the time they are in de-skies.

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On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is.

2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven'...

What’s the worst time to have a heart attack?

When you’re playing charades
Especially if you’re friends are bad guessers
And the game is followed by a long nap.

How would one describe an especially pleasing surface magma flow?

Lavaly

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A set of identical boy triplets grow up doing everything together.

Naturally being brothers, they are very competitive and strive to outdo each other in everything they do. School, sports, work and most especially girls.

They get older, meet girls and all decide to settle down. Competitive streak aside, they are also extremely close and decide they will ge...

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

As a commercial real estate agent, I especially enjoy showing of the shopping centers...

Cause once you've seen one, you've seen a Mall!

I make a living selling dehydrated body fluids, especially blood, yellow bile, black bile and phlegm.

I'm well renouned for my dry humors.

I always get this feeling of satisfaction when I give money to a homeless person

Especially when they put away the knife...

This year was especially tough for my family - we lost over 20 family members. Despite all this, I learned to look positive at things...

I'M GONNA TO BE RICH !!!



(btw, why GMail keeps putting these mails in spam?)

A moth walks into a gynecologist's office.

He sits down, put his legs in the stirrups and everything.


"Doc, I feel terrible. I think my wife is cheating on me. Sometimes I come home and I feel like I see other moths flying out the backyard.

I think my boy's on drugs. I found a lighter and some paper in his room the other...

Swimming’s good for you

Especially if you’re drowning

Well, a father and son from Germany went to a zoo in Australia

So upon arrival the little son pointed at the first animal he saw. Staring at a kangaroo he asked: "Daddy what is this animal called?"

"Well, my son, this animal lives especially in Australia and it's called a dangerou." answered dad.

The son looked around and saw a lion standing on a ...

I love playing games with my dad!

He’s really good at them, especially Hide-and-Seek.

He hid 18 years ago, and I haven’t found him yet.

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

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The kindness of the elderly . . .

When we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind . ...

My brother can no longer return to his school, especially after what he just did...

He graduated.

Sorry this isn't really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both especially like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y'all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn't seem like much but it has been very nice to be a...

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I ran into the drummer from my old high school garage band...

After the usual "we should get the band back together" bullshit, we started talking about how life has been over all these years gone by.

I told him my wife (coincidentally, also a guitar player) and I have 6 happy and healthy kids now. And how, oh so cleverly, we named them after the common ...

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

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I always looked up to my Grandad... I especially remember his last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!!!

I love dances at weddings ...

Especially since I'm not a great dancer. Most of the songs tell you what to do. Like when they play "Do The Twist," you twist. They play "Jump Around", you jump around ... There was, however, that unfortunate night I got kicked out when the DJ played "Come On Eileen."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For l...

Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...

One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fell...

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

Dyslexia affects people in different ways

Especially today, on Friday the 13th

Our local cinema is putting on a screening of the new James Bond film especially for dyslexics.

Respect

A man explains to his girlfriend that his pants are especially made for dancing.

Girlfriend: Ballroom?

Man: No not much.

Dogs can smell extraordinarily well.

Especially after they have been bathed.

Have you ever tried eating a clock? .

It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds

I oppose racism.

Especially on highways.

Famous Quotes from US Presidents

“The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph.” ― George Washington

“Honesty is the first chapter of the book wisdom.” ― Thomas Jefferson

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.” ― James Madison

“Try and fail, but don...

I especially despise sausages...

But German ones are the wurst.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

It's insane that car companies, especially Ford, pay hundreds of millions to try to stay ahead of the game

I guess they can't a Ford to lose out

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An Brazilian, an Argentine and a Colombian gets stranded on an deserted island

They find a lamp and one of them rubs it.
A genie appear ad says:
Look, I have been stuck here for a long time, and I am tired, so I will only give one to each one of you.
C: Colombian; B: Brazilian; A: Argentine; G: genie;

C:I wish to go home.

*He got teleported back to his h...

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Watching porn always makes me insecure....

Even though i know the girls are especially selected for their small hands.

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What do pandas say on Halloween?

Bam-BOO!

That's the entire joke but this subreddit won't let me post such a short joke, so I'll tell a little story like one of those irritating-as-fuck internet recipe intros that gives WTMI.
My four year old is fascinated by finding the perfect joke. He'll often pick up on jokes from tv ...

I couldn't work for that man anymore, especially now after what he said to me.

He said, "You're fired"

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Try to remember your neighbours throughout these colder months, especially the elderly and infirm.

The old bitch next to me hasn't been round once to see if I'm OK. She hasn't even taken her milk in for the last two weeks either.

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

Which actress stays consistent, especially in the winter time?

Eva Green

Two criminals are walking in the woods late at night.

It’s especially dark tonight, and the wind is howling.
After a while, one of the criminals leans over and says “Its pretty scary out, huh?”
His partner tells him “How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.”

It was late at night .....

It was late at night and the police were out checking for erratic driving.

They spotted a car travelling alone along the dual carriageway and decided to follow it. The car never exceeded the speed limit, gave all the correct signals as it left the main road and when they ...

I drove to the local garage to fill my car up...

I noticed 2 police were watching a woman who was smoking while filling her car up. I thought, is she stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there?!

I minded my own business filled my car up and went inside to pay.

As I was paying for my fuel, I heard someone...

The EU has said that more needs to be done to help the Syrian refugees, especially the children.

May I recommend swimming lessons?

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So a bear walks into a bar...

In Brooklyn there is a local ordinance that you can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn, so this bear walks into a bar in Brooklyn and orders a beer and the bartender goes, "whoa, your a bear, sorry I can't serve beers to bears in bars in Brooklyn."

To which the bear replies, "well I'm...

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

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