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I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

I used to hate chiropractors until I went to see one for my back

Now I stand corrected

Why isn't holy water used in vaccines?

Because you can't take the lord's name in vein.

I used to work in a calender factory.

I got fired for taking a few days off.

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
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Now he lives in a flat.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles In a long time?

A trophy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some jerk on my wedding asked "how's my ex's used pussy?"

I replied "it felt brand spankin' new after the first two inches."

I used to think I was indecisive.

But, now I'm not so sure.

I used to date a girl called Sue Denim....

Until I found out that it wasn't her real name.

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I used some refined flour as lubricant and it did NOT work very well at all....

Yet those bastards in marketing are bold enough to call it "all-purpose"

I used to be so lonely, so I glued a coffee cup to the roof of my car

Now wherever I go, everyone waves to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to only be able to ejaculate if I couldn't taste, smell, see, hear or touch anything

But eventually I came to my senses

I used redbull instead of water for my coffee this morning

I was on the highway for 15 minutes before realizing I left my car at home

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyways.

You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

Last night I couldn't find the pizza cutter, so I used a Bryan Adam's CD.

It cuts like a knife.

I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

My meemaw always used to say, "As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely woman.

Terrible cabinet maker.

Cosmetic surgery used to be a taboo subject...

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

I used to be a cop and one night after pulling someone over, he asked if he could pee on my wrist.

I said " Not on my watch "

what's the most commonly used phrase by artists?

Would you like fries with that.

There's a guy in my neighbourhood who I used to think was really weird. I'd always see him out walking his rabbit. The rabbit was always in a different outfit. One day a frock. One day a skirt. One day a suit-jacket combo. Then it multiplied into a flock of rabbits, all wearing really niche clothes.

Eventually, curiosity got the better of me and I approached him and asked "excuse me sir, I can't help but notice your entourage of dapper rabbits. Can I ask what you do?"

He replied "Oh I'm a hare stylist."

There's a new skin treatment where expensive shoe leather is used to scrub and remove a layer of dead skin

It's called a Jordan peel

The X Men used to wear purple but then they stopped.

The days of fuchsia passed

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

I used to feed ducks everyday.

A big group of them, but there was always one that really stood out to me - he always had very rough feathers, always shaking with wide eyes and a chipped beak. Then one day I saw him huddled in a group with a couple other ducks that looked exactly the same, and they all had little packets of white ...

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)

I used to be in a band called Pangea…

but then we drifted apart and split up

I used to be ugly, but then I bought an acoustic guitar

Now I'm ugly and annoying

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

I used to be addicted to soap.

But I’m clean now.

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

we used to call them "food fights"...

...kids today call them "all you can yeet buffets"

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

I recently bought a car on ebay that used to be owned by Bonnie Tyler.

It's terrible.

Every now and then it falls apart.

I used to work in an art supply store.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

I used to work at a parrot training facility but I had to quit.

I couldn't take all the talking behind my back.

I own a pencil used by William Shakespeare

He used to chew on it a lot though, so I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B

I used to disapprove of organ transplants…

But I’ve had a change of heart

A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.

The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen

Minister said, "Your highness"

I wouldn't recommend going to the tattooist who used to be an accountant.

He did a number on me.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

I used to write my best ideas on toilet paper

That was a tearrible idea

I used to make jokes at work during meetings and could really get people laughing, then COVID hit and everything went online. I’d still make jokes, but no one would laugh. Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted, but it turns out...

They didn’t find me remotely funny...

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

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I just had to pay to refill the air in my tyres. It used to be free!!

Fucking inflation

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

She was what we used to call a suicide blonde

dyed by her own hand.

I used to work in a car wash, but I wasn't very productive.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the most practical place for a painter.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

I used to work as a cook in a Victorian orphanage.

It was grueling.

I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters.

Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..

I used to have a job assembling tiny pieces of cheese.

It was degrating.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey...

But then I turned myself around

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I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state…

I used to bartend for this popular place off a rural highway in my state. It marketed itself as a tavern, to get tourists to come in and buy a bite to eat, but the locals knew it by the name of the former owner, Pete.

Pete had died a few years before I started working there. His younger broth...

My mother always used to say ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’

She’s a lovely woman but a terrible surgeon.

I went shopping for a used car.

I found a very nice 1967 Camaro. The paint was clean, it started beautifully. When I opened the door there was a disgusting dead cat on the floor. I was ready to walk away from the deal, but the owner agreed to replace the carpet.

It used to be free.

Re-pumping up your car tyres at the gas station used to be free. Now, they've started charging $1 a minute to use the pump.

Why you ask?

Inflation.

I used to be a millionaire

But i learned money laundering isn't putting all your money in the laundry machine.

I used to be addicted to time travel.

But that’s all in the past now.

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

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NSFW My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.

So we started using lubricant.

I had a fun childhood, my dad used to push me down the hill in old tires

They were Goodyears

I used to date someone from Albania, Viet Nam, Turkey, Morocco, Trinidad and Tobago, Russia, Tennessee, Tunisia, and China

Too many red flags

For a period of time, Harry Houdini used a trap door in every magic show he performed.

It was…just a stage he was going through.

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didnt, it used the sidewalk

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You probably saw our posters

How do you double the value of a used car?

You fill the tank

Will smith used to be so full of life and fun

now he just seems *jaded*

I took a survey of which shampoos women used in the shower

98% said what are you doing in my bathroom

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\...

I grew up in a religious household and I used to pray and ask God for a bicycle

As I got older I learned that God and praying didn't work this way. So I stole a bicycle and ask God to forgive me

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

what is the propeller used for on an airplane?

Many people dont know this, but is actually for air conditioning, if u ever get to see it, when the propeller stops the pilot suddenly starts sweating

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold

But then I realized it meant getting back at somebody

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

at School, I had the biggest knob by far so when we were changing together, I used to run around naked with a towel hanging from there, and the kids always looked laughing.

Looking back maybe that was one of the reasons I got fired.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

When I was young, I used to pray to the Lord everyday to give me a bike.

But then I realised it doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me.

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

My late grandpa used to hate looking in the mirror

Humble man, terrible driver

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A man met a beautiful lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which po...

My Stepfather Used to Tell This Joke to Everyone

*What did the farmer say to the cows at night? "It's past your bedtime."*

He told this joke to anyone he talked to, from family to people at the doctor's office. I felt the joke was old the second time I heard it. So, I started working on a response.

Christmas djnner rolls around. We ...

“I used to make sandcastles with my grandma”

But then my mother would tell me to put the urn back

I'm in my 40's and have never used essential oils in my life...

...which makes me think they're not really essential at all

I used to be two separate cells in two human bodies…

now i’m a human body in a separate cell

As my dear departed mother used to say: "Hooray, hooray, the first of may!...."

"Outdoor screwing starts today!" (She actually did teach me that. I was an adult but still.)

I used to hate facial hair....

But then it grew on me

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun was chatting with Mother Superior.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairw...

Questionable Morals

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of ...

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