Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

I used to rip off famous comedians' jokes to post on Reddit for easy karma.

I still do, but I used to, too.

I used to date a girl who had one leg and worked at a brewery...

She was in charge of the hops...

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I mean, I still do, but I used to, too.

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I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

I used "MyDick" as a password and got this error:

"Try something longer"

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Did you hear that Viagra can be used as a sleep aid?

I took one before bed last night and slept hard.

I used to be a male trapped in a women's body

Then I was born.

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my girlfriend used to smoke after sex

so we started using lube.

I used to fear the robot apocalypse

But now, after seeing how dangerous stupid people can be...

I'll take artificial intelligence over no intelligence any day.

I used to date this cross-eyed chick

We didn't last. We did not see eye-to-eye.

It's OK though. She was seeing someone on the side anyway.

5 Execution Methods Still Used In The Modern World

Number 1 will shock you

I used to be addicted to showering…

I got clean.

You know I always used to think that my girlfriend was just not funny.

That was until I realized that she told me jokes everyday! Like “I love you” or “I never cheated on you”

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Frank asked Joe what function key on a Windows PC is used to spell check

Joe responded: “F5”

Frank said “No that’s refreshing my browser page”

Joe said “No look at the window!! Fucking F5!”

Frank angrily replied “DUDE! I’m looking! it’s refreshing the page, not spell check!!”

Frank took some initiative and looked it up himself to find that the...

My elderly relatives used to say to me "you'll be next", during weddings.

They soon stopped though once I started doing the same to them at funerals

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

I used to be a boxer.

I wasn't very good though. I knew it was time to retire when my trainer had handles sewn into my shorts to make it easier to carry me out of the ring.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Recycle them to make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

I used to be a stalker

I’m not proud of it, but nowadays people are asking me for tips and tricks on stalking. So here it is:
In order to be a stalker, you need to do the following…

I used an AI to generate jokes. Here's what it made:

why did the chicken cross the road?

I had a stroke, so I went to the doctor, and the doctor told me to get my legs



The lobster goes to the doctor...

F\*\*\* me.



What's the best thing about being a plant?

They're all in a hurry to get it done
...

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got canned

I just couldn't concentrate.

People used to say that you shouldn’t clean your ears with Q-tips

But I haven’t heard that for a while.

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Did you hear about the defense attorney that used to be a prostitute?

He helped a lot of people get off.

I used to know a Spanish magician...

He told me that he could disappear on the count of three.

Then he said *uno, dos.....*

and disappeared without a tres.

“My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’

**Until that accident**

A joke my late grandad used to tell me

2 men, Mr. Kent and Mr. Olsen are on the roof of a 20 story building. Mr. Kent turns to Mr. Olsen and says "The great thing about this building is that they've rigged it to prevent suicides". Mr. Olsen asks how and Mr. Kent says "If anyone jumps off the roof, something in the building pulls you in t...

I used to work at a hydroelectric plant.

It was the best dam job I ever had.

I used to believe that sticks and stones could break my bones, but words could never hurt me.

But then I got smacked with a dictionary.

When I was in college I used to brag to girls about my 4.0...

until the day I googled it and learned that it's actually 1.3 inches below average.

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

I used to be against organ transplants

But then I had a change of heart

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

As a little kid, I was unusually confident. I even used to call my first grade teacher "Sweetheart!"

He hated it.

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

Will glass coffins ever be used?

Remains to be seen...

I used to smoke marijuana everyday but recently I had to quit and take a break because my friends we're telling me that I was getting WAY too paranoid.

Well, I mean, they weren't telling me, but I Know they were thinking it.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

They used to be called 'jumpolines'...

...until your mom jumped on one

My brother used to constantly ask me what was in the box

Like god dammit,we were at a funeral and i felt so akward

My doctor used to work as a server

Every time a patient leaves, he said "Thanks, come again! Actually, nevermind."

I used to make a living by circumcising elephants

The pays were lousy but the tips were huge!

Teacher asked the students to tell the most common word used by students in a classroom.

Suddenly a student got up and said “Can’t Sir”!
Brilliant! You are right, the teacher said!

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A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

Host: Which string instruments are commonly used in Latin music?

Guest: Violins?

Host: "Violins" is not the answer.

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

I used to work at a deli…

But I quit slicing cold turkey.

“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

What common item from a hardware store can be used to fasten a duck to a fence?

Duct ta......nope, a nail gun.

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Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

I used to be young and stupid.

But now I got older.

I used to live in an apartment with three young women . . .

. . . until they found me.

I used to work with a Vampire

He was a real pain in the neck.

I used a time machine to travel back in time to Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented.

I used to work as an insecurity guard.

But I don't think I was very good at it.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens."

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

I used to live paycheck to paycheck

But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I'm sure everybody knows what brand of tires Van Gogh used.

Good Ear, of course.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian

I am a comedian today and nobody is laughing

A childhood classic my dad used to tell me:

Q. Why was a frog flying?
A. Because he ate a helium baloon.

Q. Then why was a snake flying?
A. Because it ate the flying frog.

Q. Then why was the eagle flying?
A. Because it has wings

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She swore to me she used an enema before we had anal sex

turns out she was full of shit.



(apologies if a similar joke has been done before)

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

I used to think the "CE" in "BCE" stood for "Christ Entrance"

It's a common error

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So I used to know this guy named Richard..

Everyone always called him a Dick, but I thought he was pretty nice.

Used guitar for sale!

No strings attached.

I was rejected from my dream art school because I used the wrong pencil.

It wasn’t 2B.

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

I used to play the triangle in the symphony but I quit.

I couldn't deal with it anymore. It was just one 'ting' after another.

What did the teenager say when his friend told him that mexico had liquid cheese used for dipping?

"Kay, so?"

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My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

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A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.

He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

What’s the difference between 1,000 used condoms and a tyre?

One is a Goodyear and one is a great year.

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I used to be addicted to masturbating

I overcame so much

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

I used to be a spacecraft engineer.

My efforts were all for naut.

Why are family trees not used in alabama

Because they end up being more like a family tumbleweed.

With all the NSFW jokes here lately, we could use a nice clean joke

A pharmaceutical salesman was staying at a bed and breakfast in a small town while on a business trip. The B&B was run by a kindly old gentleman and advertised three square "southern" meals a day and a relaxing country feel.

While the salesman was eating his breakfast, he noticed what app...

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

I used to be a dyslexic insomniac agnostic...

I lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog

I used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D’s.

It was a ridiculously long name.

I used to wonder why my history teachers loved to teach about the Roman Empire so much. I think I get it now.

They both hated vandals and goths.

A Soviet citizen is buying a car

He finally saved up enough rubles, went to the agency, and paid for a car.

He is told, "Come back on August 8th, 1983 to pick up your new car"

"But that's eight years from now."

"Yes, isn't it wonderful? The wait used to be ten years."

"Okay, fine. August 8th, 1983. Morni...

I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping and my real estate agent used the phrase:

“Potential Water Front Property”

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

I used a magnum condom last night and I don't understand the difference.

It just fell off like a regular condom.

I used to work as a painter

I took up the occupation to broaden my horizons

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid...

If they had used a "G", nobody would ever have found their treasure.

What’s the most used tank on the battlefield?

The fuel tank

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What do you call a sex toy that isn't used for penetration?

A dildon't

The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.

You could even say they were like fish out of water.

We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.

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