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Used Jokes

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes.

I still do. But I used to too.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg jokes...

I still do, but I used to, too.

18 years ago, today, we lost one of the greats.
R.I.P. to a legend.

15% of women admit to having used vibrators.

The other 85% said they bought them new.

I used to be Christian....

Her: I used to be Christian.

Him: It’s all right, I don’t really care for those sorts of things.

Her; Thank god! It’s so much better now that I’m Christine!

My mother used to tuck me in every night

She always wanted a girl :(

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International women’s day should not be used as an excuse for sexist jokes

Period.

I used to tell dad jokes.

He's dead now though.

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I'm sorry I used your soap to masturbate.

I just had to come clean.

I used to be into sadism, bestiality and necrophilia!

But then I figured I was just flogging a dead horse.

When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room and I used to clean his.

We were maid for each other.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

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I used to have sex daily...

Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia...

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.

My farmer friend used his stimulus to buy baby chickens.

He got the money for nothing, and the chicks for free.

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What do you call a butt plug being used by a guy?

A manhole cover

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

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I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’

You've probably seen our posters.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

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I used to love joking about anal sex until I actually tried it.

Now I'm slightly torn...

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

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I used to think all black people had boomboxes

then I realized that was just a stereo type

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.

On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

If the Titan is used to explore the wreck of the Titanic, what explores the wreck of the Titan?

The Tit.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

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I used to have a German girlfriend... [NSFW]

We used to rate our sexual experiences out of 10.

We tried anal once and she yelled out 9! 9! the whole time

My best ever score.

I used to date a girl who was missing a shin.





Her name was Eileen. She had a brother who was missing both shins. His name was Neil.

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

I used to date a woman who was a little person.

I was nuts over her!

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

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A rabbit is captured and taken to a medical laboratory to be used for experiments . . .

There, he befriends a rabbit who was born and raised in the lab. One day, he notices that the researchers didn't latch his cage properly and he decides to make a break for it. He tells the lab rabbit how great it is on the outside and convinces him to come along.

First, the wild rabbit take...

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Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.

But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.

i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

I remember when I first used Reddit.

Everything was new. To me there were no reposts.

What a good 4 seconds

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

I used to be a male trapped in a females body...

Then I was born.

Why isn't Holy Water used in vaccines ?

Because, you can't take the Lords name in vein.

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I used to be a traveling salesman.

One day when I solicited a home a young child answered the door. He was wearing pantyhose, a far too big housecoat, and nothing else. He held a lit cigarette in one hand and I could see an open bottle of whiskey on the table of the foyer.
I asked him "Are your parents home?"
After a long drag ...

I used to really enjoy political jokes...

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.

I used to have a rare psychological disorder that made me think I was various bodies of water.

I'm well now.

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

Used Vacuum cleaner for sale.

I don't need it anymore. All it does is collect dust.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

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The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

I used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid

A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel.

By the time I was 15, I owned my own house.

What do you call a sword only used by women?

A broadsword.

There was a man in France who used to drive a train for a living...

There was a man in France who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made i...

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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I used to be good at telling jokes

But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

My husband asked me if it would be okay if he used "the other hole"

I told him, "No way! You think I want to get pregnant?"

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

KID : What are condoms used for?

DAD : To avoid such questions.

It’s disgusting. They used to make COCA-Cola with REAL Cocaine! So you can probably guess what they used to make shamPOO with!

Yep, child labour.

Wife: I used to be a Christian.

Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now!

I used my knife to conserve ammo...

the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

I used to run a dating service for chickens

but I was struggling to make hens meet.

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.

This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.















*I'll fetch my coat of arms*

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

My Dad used to be a shoplifter…

But one day the shop fell on him.

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I used my vacuum cleaner as a sex toy

It sucked ass

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.

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condoms used correctly

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What s that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: W...

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

I used to work at a bank,

an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over

For sale, barely used DeLorean

Only driven from time to time.

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

I used to be a baker...

...but I couldn't make enough dough.

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…

These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

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There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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I never used to think I was very sexy. I always hated my eyes, ears and nose.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

I used to have an addiction to ham.

But now I'm cured.

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I used to date a twin

People would ask me alll the time, "how do you tell them apart?" And I'd reply, "Well it's simple you see, Jill would always paint her nails blue, and john had a cock."

Arnold Schwarzenegger used to say "I'll be back." Then he got old...

Now he just says, "Ow! My back!"

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