A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a packet of crisps.

The bar tended turns around and says “sorry we don’t serve food here”.

My wife said, “Why are all the potatoes burnt to a crisp?”

I said, “That’s for tomorrow.”

My wife: Huh?

Me: It’s Black Fry Day.

It was a crisp autumn morning in 2015, I was in a job interview.

When the interviewer asked me where I'd be in 5 years, I said I'd be sad, lonely, locking myself at home and playing Animal Crossing.



I guess you can say I have 20-20 vision.

Back in the days, I'd only take just $1 with me to the supermarket and came back with 3 bottles of soda and 2 bags of crisps

But these days, there are surveillance cameras everywhere

A man walks into a bar and asks for helicopter flavour crisps.

The barman says "sorry, we only do plain"

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

‟That will be $0.05 please sir”.

‟Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too”

‟Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir”.

‟Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps”.

‟0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together”.
...

A dying wish

A man spoke to each of his three sons when he sent them to college. "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a gesture of appreciation, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I ...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

Dog walks into a bar

and says to the bartender "A beer and a bag of crisps please."

The bartender says "Wow that's amazing!!! You should work in the circus!"

The dog then replies

"Why!? Do they need electricians?"

On a crisp Fall morning a farmer went out to cut firewood for the winter.

He cut, split and stacked for six hours and then, just as he was getting done for the day, he saw an elderly Indian by the fence. He went to say hello and the Indian said "How. You have-um smoke?", so the farmer handed over his tobacco pouch and the Indian helped himself to a pipeful, lit up, inhale...

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A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole.

A hillbilly is taking a dump in the outhouse when a dollar bill falls out his pocket and down into the hole full of sewage.

He starts cursing and storms out of the outhouse.

His buddy looks at him and asks “what’s wrong? What happened??”

“Well I was in there taking a dump and ...

What is Rick Grimes' favourite type of crisps?

Walkers

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"Secret code"

This joke is set in India where the traffic rules are just as lax as the traffic cops.

One day, while riding to work on his bike, John realized he had forgotten his helmet.
He knew the cops would catch him when they saw this and that he'd have to bribe his way out of a heavy fine.

S...

Two packets of crisps are strolling down the street when a car pulls alongside them...

The driver asks if they would like a lift.

The crisps say, "No thanks, we're Walkers."

A short, crisp, Christianity joke Which I promise is offensive in no way.

So it's early in the morning and the married couple wakes up, both ready for their morning coffee, but none of them are willing to do it. So the wife say's to her husband, " You know, the bible say's that men should make the coffee." Curious the husband asks why and his wife replies "*Hebrews*"

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

A bear walks into a bar...

He approaches the barman


Bear: "Can I have a pint..................................... and a packet of crisps?"

Barman: "Of course, but what's with the big pause?"

Bear: "IM A BEAR!!"

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

Officer: You're under arrest for using counterfeit bank notes

Me: *Slides a crisp £17 bill* How about now eh?

Why is it illegal to burn money to a crisp?

Cuz then it wouldn't be legal...*tender*

What’s an airline pilots favourite crisp flavour?

Plain

shops have changed so much. In my day you could go in with a pound and get a bag of crisp and a magazazine

now days they have cameras

An old man an his grandson are taking a walk one crisp fall afternoon...

When the old man asks his grandson what he wanted to be when he grrw up.

"I wanna be rich like you granpa!" , responded the boy

Now the old man had worked hard all his life. Started off as an employee at a small company and ended up owning it. He almost never spent his hard earned mone...

little Johnny doesn't like trump

The president is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy. So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.

“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the ca...

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My mate tried some Walkers mystery flavour crisps last night and swore they tasted like his wife's pussy,

He thought it was his imagination but everyone in the pub said he was right!

There was one a girl called autumn

She once asked her mom
“mom why am I called autumn?”
her mom then said
“when you were leaving the hospital a crisp
autumn leaf fell on your head”
this makes rose curious so she asks the same thing
“mom where did my name come from” and the mom says “while we were leaving the ho...

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

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I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son."



She said, "It's natural."



"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

How does good king Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

What do you call a firm, brittle, dry rodent that also happens to be an actor.

crisp rat

Why does Thor iron his cloak?

Because he knows what a crisp hem's worth.

What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.

He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety. The man is dumbfound...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

Peaceful Place

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenit...

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lucky mailman

after 20 years on the job the local postman is about to retire and on this last scheduled delivery run he finds himself beset with thankful friends and neighbours, all of whom show their appreciation of his years of service. loaded down with gift baskets, wine, flowers and thank you cards he reaches...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

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Kids can be savage...

This literally just happened a few minutes ago. I work at a school and this one girl was wearing a tee shirt that said "Future Trophy Wife". She was going to some effort to make sure other kids noticed the funny shirt she wore.
Eventually, another student shouted "WHAT KIND OF TROPHY? PARTICIPA...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS...

It's Mum not Mom

It's crisps not chips

It's chips not fries

It's football not soccer

It's rugby not football

It's school not shooting range

The CEOs of Budweiser, Coors, Killian's, and Guinness walk into a bar....

...and the bartender takes orders. The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"

The bartender moves down the line. The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!" ...

City Scammer

A scam artist from the city needs to lay low for a while an goes to a faraway village where nobody knows him.



He thinks to himself: "These people are probably not as smart as the city folk and I could probably get away with a few scams. It'll be easy pickings."



He goes ...

My rubbish dog joke.

A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat. He says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please'.
The barman says, 'Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!'
The dog replies, 'Why? Do they need electricians?'

[Long] A captain in the air force...

Is boarding a plane home, and as he's loading his luggage in the over head, notices a Marine Lance Corporal snoozing against the window. The Air Force Captain grins a bit, knowing Marines reputation for being jar heads, and decides he's going to have a bit of fun.

Sitting next to the marine, ...

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

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Jerry and Terry need to identify Pat's body in the morgue...

Pat unfortunately died in an apartment fire. His body was burnt so bad that the mortician had difficulty confirming that this body was Pat's. To solve this problem the mortician called in Jerry, one of two of Pat's close friends, to identify the body.

Jerry walks in. "Damn, he's burnt to a...

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On math exam

Professor is fed up with the group of his students. So on exam he decides to flunk some students.
The first student comes in.
P: You’re driving a car. You feel really hot, what do you do?
S: I shall pull down a window
P: at what speed does the air come from outside inside the car?
The...

Insurance money

This is a true story. Stop me if you've heard it before.

Two guys are sitting on the beach, enjoying the tropical environs, sipping their fancy drinks and watching the sun set over the beautiful blue sea.

1st man: Man this is the life.2nd man: Yup, it sure is.

1st: Mind if I...

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A bar is testing out an innovative new exchange system.

The bar owner has noticed a relatively major problem in her area-
people come in to drink, and when they are ready to head out, they feel obligated to finish the drink they paid for. This little bit is enough to push many patrons past their limit and the bar owner wants to do something to encour...

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TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this you wil understand 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel ...

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye...

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The Restaurant in Hell

You die, and in hell, you are sat at a restaurant. A small group of glutton demons come out with your food. They bring out the most juicy, delicious looking steak you have either seen, a 2-inch cut, said to have come from the finest of cow in all the multiverse. On the side are roast potatoes, the p...

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The post man's last day....

A beloved postman announces his retirement. As he is walking his rounds in a picturesque, tree-lined neighborhood, he is greeted at one of the doors by a young, pretty woman. She is wearing a fairly short, sexy robe and invites him in.



Once inside she leads him to the kitchen table w...

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A redditor is fitting his new kitchen and he stops for lunch.

His wife makes him a sandwich, and hands him some crisps and chocolate to eat, and a banana." he finishes his lunch and gets back to work.

A few hours later and he's finished. The wife walks in and checks out their new kitchen.

"OH MY GOD!" she shouts, as she opens the door, "What the ...

[long] Irving worked at a Jewish deli and bakery, and he loved most of his regular clientele, except for one guy...

... this guy would *always* haggle over how much he should spend, even for things that had a fixed rice clearly marked on the menu board.

One day, the guy comes in, and says, "I want to buy your finest loaf of egg bread for Rosh Hashanah. I have a crisp five-dollar bill for you, Irving, my go...

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A Jar Full of Hundreds

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender about the jar.

"That jar? You put in your $100 and you go over there behind the first door. See it?"

"Yeah", says the guy. "What's behind it?"

"The ugliest, fattest girl in this county. You have ...

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A guy walks in to a bar with a large rooster

A guy walks in to a bar with a large rooster. He goes to the counter and sits on a stool with the rooster next to him.

"I'd like a whiskey, a few crisps, pour something for yourself as well, and... give me a beer."

"Very well"

After the guy has finished drinking.

"Okay, s...

Two guys are out hunting in the middle of now where...

After climbing a particularly steep hill to get a vantage point, one man collapses. He then starts frothing from the mouth and convulsing.

Managing to get one bar of service on his mobile phone, the other man dials emergency services.

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Man: I...

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A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to he...

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

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Balls

A group of generals and an admiral are all fishing off a pier one crisp fall afternoon. They each have a personal aide* with them. The topic of which branch has the biggest balls comes up and the debate get's pretty heated.

The Navy admiral takes his hat* off and throws it into the lake. "Sea...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

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[NSFW] High definition

Have you seen the recent high definition 4K porn? The image is so crisp, you can see the dads disappointment.

All my life, I thought air was free...

... until I bought a bag of crisps!

A man was driving along the motorway

When all of a sudden, he sees two crisps (potato chips) walking along the side of the road.
Perplexed by this and concerned for their safety he leans out and shouts "Hey! You two want a lift anywhere?", to which the crisps stopped and replied "No thanks mate, we're Walkers".

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An Irishman, a Greek, and a Jew die and stand at the gates of heaven

The keeper of the gates tells them "Well, you have all lived pretty decent lives, but you all fall victim to your respective stereotypes. So here's what's going to happen. You all will go back down to earth for 24 hours and you must avoid your weaknesses.
"Irishman, alcohol cannot touch your lips...

An old rabbi feels his time on earth is coming to an end...

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"

So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the m...

I went to pay the Cashier at the Grocery store

Cashier "That will be $18.35"

Me: Hands her a $50 bill

Cashier "Sorry sir, We cant accept that because we had too many problems with counterfeit currency. Do you have anything smaller?"

Me " I fully understand, Here you go.."
*Politely hands her a crisp $25 bill*

T'was a wet and rainy Christmas eve...

...when santa landed on our roof.

The slippery condition were quite treacherous,

as a reindeer missed its hoof.

Santa and his reindeers came sliding down.

I would've laffed if it was a clown.

One by one, they got tangled in the lights,

and came crashing down...

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A businessman sits next to a blonde on a plane...

It's going to be a long flight so he turns to her and tries to make small talk, but she ignores him best she can. After trying several times, he finally says "It's going to be a long flight, we may as well get to know one another. Why don't we play a game?" She seems uninterested, so he makes it mor...

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A 10 year old boy with a dead frog on a stick walks up to a brothel

He knocks on the door, and the madam answers. She says "I'm sorry, we can't serve a boy as young as you here."
The boy hands the madam a crisp 100 dollar bill, and she says "right this way."
The madam lines up her best girls, and asks the boy to choose one.
The boy asks "Do any of them hav...

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

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A zoophile, a pyromaniac, a necrophile and a masochist are siiting on a bench...

... in a park. The zoophile comes up with a twisted idea:
"Let's find a cat and fuck its brains out", he says.
"Yeah, and then let's burn it to a crisp!", adds the pyro.
"Brilliant idea, so we can fuck it, burn it, then fuck it again", says the necrophile.
The masochist's eyes light up a...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and orders a drink and looks to the end of the bar to find a giant glass vase filled with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender, "What is that big vase of hundreds for?" "Oh that's for our challenge, but nobody can complete it." replies the bar keep. Naturally, the man is curious ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said "I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watso...

What do you call a sunburnt santa?

Crisp Cringle

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A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a...

...a pint of blood and some crisps.

Barmaid replies sorry we dont do blood here, only crisps.
"Ah thats ok I'll have the crisps" replies the Vampire - he pays for them and sits down.

A second Vampire walks in and asks for the pint of blood and some peanuts. Again the barmaid tells...

What's Santa's favorite snack?

A crisp Pringle

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of cats and mustard

Three diplomats are discussing international politics while enjoying brunch in the crisp spring air.

"No more can Middle East be made peaceful", says the Russian diplomat, "than can cat be made to eat mustard."

"But a cat would certainly eat mustard." says the German diplomat. Spying a...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint and a Pork pie.

The barman gives him his pint, and a nice fresh pork pie. He drinks his pint, picks up his pork pie, puts it on the top of his head and walks out, carefully balancing it on his noggin.

About 10 minutes later, he returns and goes to the bar. Again, the man asks for a pint and a pork pie.
<...

Good Point!

An American, Russian and a Pol are sitting in a bar having a few drinks. The Russian stands up and proclaims "We Russians are the best because we were first to send a satellite into orbit!” The American stands up and say's “That's nothing. We Americans were first to put a man on the Moon!” The Pol s...

Reddit, help me finish this joke!

I have the first two parts:

1) The inventor of the Pringles crisp packaging was so proud of his invention that he was cremated and buried in a Pringles can.

2) The inventor of Doritos requested his family dust his grave with crumbled Doritos before burying his urn.

I need hel...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

.. and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights...

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Follow up: So the hot dog vendor makes him a fully-loaded dog and the Buddhist pays with a crisp $20. The vendor pockets the bill and immediately moves on to the next customer. Confused, the Buddhist inquires about the price of a dog and the vendor responds...

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini

Holding out a crisp twenty he says, "Bartender, bring me a banana martini."

The bartender is stunned: in all his years of bartending, he has never seen a gorilla patron. Or heard a talking gorilla. Or mixed a banana martini. Or seen a gorilla who knew how to count money. This gave him an ide...

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NSFW Buggy Ride.

An Amish Mother and Daughter are riding in the buggy home from the market one crisp Autumn day when the Daughter says her hands are cold as she has forgotten her mittens, the Mother being wise tells her to place them between her thighs and it will warm them up.The next day a male suitor comes callin...

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Bobby's New X Box

Bobby was playing in his parents bedroom one day, when he heard his mom and a stranger waking towards the room. Since he wasn't supposed to be there, he panicked, and jumped into the closet, just as him Mom and the strange man entered.


He sat in the dark for a while, hearing strange nois...

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Ponderisms:

Can you cry under water?







How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?







Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra p...

I clearly remember the last words of my Indian grandfather.

"You must bring change in your country".

I never felt the meaning of them so profoundly than when I wanted a bag of crisps with a 1000 rupee bill.

A very drunk man walks into a bar

He yells:

two large beers and a packet of crisps please!

Lady: sir, this is a library.

Man, whispering: two large beers and a packet of crisps please!

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A Pope Joke,..

Pope Benny Ratzinger was out on Romes high street looking for a replacement Popemobile.The old one was getting long in the tooth and way past its prime. John Paul had never take service and oil change stickers seriously.

Now this is before all the austerity stuff was really kicking in,and h...

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A duck walks into a bar....

"vodka and coke please" the duck says. The barman is amazed but manages to reply "do you want ice?".

"no thanks, I want to drink it quick, I've had a nightmare fighting a boiler today and need to take the edge off"

The barman hands the drink over, The duck wraps his beak/bill around ...

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