UPJOKE
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Did you hear about the turkey that dipped his nuts in margarine?

They say he had Butterballs.

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Hey, man, know why Eddie Vedder put margarine on his toast?

He can't find the butter, man.

Monk who claims he saw face of Jesus in his margarine tub...

... said: "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

The man who invented spreadable margarine got scammed out of every penny he made out of it.

I can't believe he's not bitter.

A lot of people consider me to be the margarine of comedy.

I tell a joke and they can’t believe it’s not better.

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Why do restaurants try to spend less on butter?

They have to watch their margarines.

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I thought the recipe was for making margarine, however,

it churned out to be butter.

A tub of margarine fell on my foot three weeks ago and it still hurts.

I can't believe it's not better.

A Pakistani man found the image of prophet Muhammad in his tub of margarine.

He showed it to his Chinese neighbour who said

"I cannot believe it's not Buddha"

I've been putting margarine on my cut for a week now but there's been no improvement at all.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better

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One day, my mom caught me masturbating in the tub.

I thought she'd be mad, but instead she just stopped buying margarine.

My friend doesn't know why his mom blushes when I call her "Margarine"

I call her that because she spreads easy.

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What's the difference between buttered bread and bread with margarine?

One's a buttery trail while the other one's utter betrayal.

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I named my Pokemon Margarine...

...because it's butterfree.

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Metapod really loves eating Margarine on his pokefood.

Since its butterfree.

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

What do statisticians who make mistakes put on their bread?

Margarine of error.

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I think butter substitutes are better than butter

But only margarinely

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The best bakers use real butter so . . . .

. . .
there is no margarine for error.

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Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job?

Because there was no margarine for error.

Jesus Crust

A priest and a Zen master are making toast.

The priest says "look, there's an image of Jesus in my margarine!"

The Zen master replies "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

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I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

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How does a butter company measure its revenues?

net margarines

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The French eat more butter than any country per capita

They're ahead of the next closest by a large margarine

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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana...

and butterflies like margarine.

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Kellyanne Conway walks into the Red Hen for dinner

She's about to butter her bread when she summons over the waiter. She asks, "Do you have any margarine?" The waiter replies, "Sorry, we don't serve alternative fats"

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Whenever I weigh out my butter substitute

I try to get within the Margarine of error

Grocery Economics

A man and his economist friend are having lunch.

the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out ...

"What do you know about vegan cookies?"

Just that they're only margarinely better.

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But my baby boy

My wife and I recently had a baby. We named him Butter. We take our little baby boy back home and realize it's actually a girl named Margarine. We were both shocked... I can't believe it's not Butter.

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