Helping an Elephant

An American exchange student goes to Africa. While there, he spends a lot of time hiking around in the jungle. One day, he hears a commotion. He goes towards the sounds. Peering through some bushes, he spots an elephant.

The elephant seems to be in some distress. The student steps through...

I just saw Oregon has a drive-thru strip club. Today, we salute these frontline workers who are taking care of the Beaver State’s residents in response to COVID-19...

Heroes Twerk Here

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

I stood up at a ceremony to salute China.

That was my first red flag.

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

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Bravery

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

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Once in a while comes a xxx joke that needs a salute.

A guy on his wedding night finding that his wife was a Virgin exclaimed: "I want to Kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gave a naughty smile and said:
"KISS MY ASS."

The policeman stopped the blond's car

- show me your driver's license please

-What's that?

-That thing with a picture of you on it. Im sure you have it somewhere in the car.

The blond starts searching for her license. After a few minutes she notices herself in the mirror. "Ah, the picture of me, here it is!" She bre...

An off duty soldier took a train.

When the train reach its first stop, a general walk in, and the soldier stood up, the general said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.'

The train reached its second stop, again the soldier stood up, the general once again said. 'At ease soldier, sit down.

When the train reach its third stop, ...

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Told to me by an immigrant friend who was a Drill Sargent in the Russian army in the '80s

A Sargent and a Private are walking across a Soviet army base when they approach a General coming the other way. The enlisted men salute and the Sargent calls out:

"Sir, your top shirt button is unbuttoned!" (A serious faux pas, according to my friend).

The General is in no mood for it...

TIL that Orville Redenbacher served in the US army.

Even though he was a colonel he didn’t want to be saluted. He only required a micro-wave.

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The history of the middle finger

I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory ov...

Although my son was only a plumber, we had a 21-gun salute at his funeral.

Because he was killed in the line of doody.

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

It was a dark, stormy, night.

The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and...

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Trump, Putin and Merkel...

...take a nice walk along the shore. Putin is boasting: "Russia now has submarine that can stay underwater for two weeks without needing to resurface for fuel! Pretty impressive, eh?"

Trump obviously can't leave it at that, so he tells Putin: "America has submarines, and other stuff too, I'...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

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The bravest (long joke)

Three generals and an admiral, one from each branch of the service, are standing around arguing which of their respective branch has the bravest members.

"Army is the bravest and I can prove it," says the first general. He looks around and spots a private. "Soldier, get over here!" The young ...

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Three Generals are arguing about which branch of the service has the bravest members...

Army General says "watch this" and calls a dog soldier over and tells him to climb a nearby flag pole and sing the caissons go rolling along. The soldier salutes smartly and promptly complies, and the General is smug while remarking "now THAT'S bravery".


Navy Admiral calls a squid over a...

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A soldier was seriously ill with malaria he contacted while serving at Guadacanal.

Because of his serious illness, he was evacuated to a hospital located in Austrialia. When he woke up, and found himself in a bright room, with an angelic faced nurse looking down at him.

Seeing this, he thinks he's in heaven, and through his cracked lips, he stammered "ddddddid you bring me...

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

What should you do after you sleep with a female soldier?

Salute her and say, “thank you for your cervix!”

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Great Russian joke

Four mothers; German, Italian, French, and Russian are in a maternity ward ready to pick up their babies. It just so happens, the nurse doesn't know which baby is which. So the Italian mother walks up to a crib and takes out a slice of pizza. One of the babies moves its hands forward. "That's mine" ...

Did you hear about the karate champion who joined the army?

It was pretty bad. The first time he saluted, he almost killed himself!

a blonde police officer stops a blonde driver

A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver:
"You have driven too fast: let me see your driver's licence."
The blonde driver is puzzled: "What's a driver licence?"
The blonde police officer explains: "Um... you have your face on it."
The blonde driver hands the blonde police of...

A gentleman walks into a very busy Italian Restaurant

The host explains that they are very busy and he will have no choice of seating. The gentleman agrees and is seated at the only remaining table. He views the menu and orders a plate of the city's best spaghetti. The waiter comes to the table and sets the meal before him.

The gentleman puts th...

I always get weird looks

I always get weird looks from veterinarians when I salute them and thank them for their service to our country.

Dad joke from the greatest Dad ever

My dad was intermed yesterday at Arlington National cemetery, so to salute the great man who served in WWII, here's one of his favorite jokes:

If you're Russian to go to the bathroom, and walk out Finnish, what are you while inside?

European!

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A german mom, a french mom, and a russian mom all just had a baby in the same hospital...

A nurse gathers them all up and tells them that there has been a mix up and maybe they can ID which baby is theirs. The german mom says, "I'll go first. HAIL HITLER." One of the babys does a Hitler salute so she takes her baby and leaves. Then the russian mom picks up a baby. The french mom asks, "H...

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A U.S. Captain sends his best lieutenant on an investigation.

It's 1944, A U.S. navy Captain says to his best lieutenant "If we want to win this war against the Germans, we can't have any gays aboard. I want you to go from sailor to sailor, conducting an investigation to determine if we have any aboard." The lieutenant nods and salutes and eagerly sets off on ...

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White babies

So there was this white guy, a black guy, a german guy and this jewish guy. They all had white wives and they all had white babies on the same day. The doctor forgets to tag them. The white guy says, "I can figure out who's baby is who's." So he goes into the nursery. He comes out. The black guy ask...

A joke from the future (January 2021, to be precise)

One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir...

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An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the ...

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A man walks into a bar ...

... and sits down at a table. He had a pretty hard day at work so he orders a double and something to eat. While he waits for his food, a handful of others come in looking as beleaguered as he feels. These new patrons sit down at nearby tables and place orders similar to that which the man made.
...

A Colonel's wife was walking her dog in a military base.

She was pleased by the snappy salutes she received from a couple of soldiers who passed by.

The effect was lost when she overheard one soldier ask the other, "who is she?" and the other answered, "Don't know...but it is the colonel's dog!"

I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence

I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.

President Clinton shows up to Air Force One

President Clinton shows up to Air Force One with a pig under each arm.

The Marine sergeant, salutes him and shouts: "Nice pigs, sir"

Clinton looks at him and says: "I'll have you know these are genuine Arkansas razorbacks! I got one for Chelsea and one for Hillary. What do you think a...

A captain takes his crew into battle

A captain and his crew were sailing through the waters. A crewman calls from the lookout nest.

"Captain! 5 enemy ships headed our way!"

The captain turns to a sailor and says "Bring me my red shirt." The sailor bring him his red shirt and the captain leads them into battle. The battl...

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Psychedelic mushrooms reduce authoritarianism and boost nature relatedness - science shows.

Yeh - it's hard to salute when you're face down in the grass.

Three professors go to the nudist beach

They start reading their newspapers, when suddenly Miss Ridgewell approaches them from the Chemistry Department. The alarmed professors react immediately. Two of them hide their manhood with their newspapers, the third, however, hides his face. They politely salute the lady, who simply passes by to ...

The Toastmaster

Once upon a time in a small village there lived a toastmaster. One sunny day, two young villagers decided to get married and the whole village invited the toastmaster to the wedding. The toastmaster gave a flamboyant speech and suddenly discovered he really needed to pass gas. The reception were to ...

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Donald Trumps' Inaugration

This came from a U.S. soldier's wife. It says it all:


"I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago ...


At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oa...

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There is a mix up in the hospital,

..,nurses forgot to label three newborns. Their fathers, German, Russian and Jewish guys trying to figure out who's child is who's. German dude gets an idea, he comes to the newborns and yell " Heil Hitler" one of the kids throws his right hand up in a salute. German guy grabs the kid and leaves. ...

Jose takes a trip to the USA

Jose just returned to Mexico and couldn't wait to me about his trip to the USA.

He said he went to a baseball game and sat in the outfield stands, directly underneath the flagpole. He said the game was great and all the Americans were so polite. Before the game stated, they turned to him and...

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I booked a taxi today

When it arrives I threw up a Nazi salute.

I bet no one's thought of heiling a cab before

You think das ist a long time?

Obama, Putin and Merkel meet in Hamburg for a private summit, and Merkel decides to break the ice with a nice walk around the lake (Alster).


Obama, admiring the foliage, says "you know, in the States, we have forests so vast, that some military training exercises last as long as 2 years."...

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The headmistress of a Southern charm school calls up an army base and asks to speak to the Colonel.

"Sir, I do apologize for calling you so late, but my girls have informed me we have a bit of an issue that needs addressing directly," she says, "And I hoped you might lend a hand in solving it."

"Of course, Ma'am, I'll be happy to help if I can," says the Colonel. "What's the matter?"
...

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The doctor and four babies.

A nurse who was taking care of 4 babies: a Jewish baby, a German baby, an American baby and a Mexican baby. Unfortunately she got them mixed up and had no idea how to tell them apart by just looking at them. She asked the doctor to help her out and the doctor told her to wait in the room when he wen...

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