In honor of my 7th cake day, I present to you, my Dad's favorite joke.

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

In honor of Valentine's Day...

What does a passionate kiss and a spider have in common?

They both lead to the undoing of the fly.

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there.

He used to sit on the chair, read the Wall Street Journal, and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny, great look.

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO:
"What do you think of the stock market situation?"

The CEO arrogantly asks him:
"Why are you so interested in this...

In honor of “National Have Fun at Work Day (US)” I thought I’d write some jokes about unemployment..

But.. they don’t work.

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

"Your honor, it is said that people are what they eat...

And therefore my client is an innocent man!"

In honor of my Cake Day, I offer a joke I heard from an 8 year old. Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she didn’t have any hands.





Knock Knock

— Who’s there?

Not Sally

In honor of the Braves' victory, Lets remember Mel Famey, a pitcher for the old Milwaukee Braves.

It was the last game of the season and all the other relief pitchers had been used for a double header, and Mel had driven to the park with his car full of cans of a product Milwaukee had become known for. Truth be told, he was pretty nervous before the game, because he knew he would be called on ...

In honor of one of my late uncle’s best jokes:

A Czechoslovakian goes to the zoo and heads to the lion exhibit. He wants a closer look at the lions and before anyone could stop him, he was is their cage. He’s soon attacked and eaten by one of the lions.

A witness to this tragic event says to the zookeeper, “I saw the whole thing happen. ...

Who gets custody?

A man and his wife were in divorce court, haggling over which parent should retain custody of their children.



The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.



The man also wanted custody of ...

In honor of his birthday

What's got four legs and is stronger than a Superman?



Christopher Reeve's horse



And what's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



Christopher Walken

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The ship stuck in the Suez should be named in honor of Mitch McConnell.

It's big, full of crap, and obstructing everything in its path.

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

The Lone Ranger’s Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"...

Have you heard of the Russian who told a joke about the Honorable President?

The punchline was fantastic, but the execution was mind-blowing.

A man goes to a bar and orders three pints...

The bartender serves them and the man sits down and proceeds to drink one after the other until all three are gone. He returns the bar and orders three more, drinks them, and then returns to the bar once more...

The bartender says, "you know they'll stay colder and fresher if you order them o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) Pope's Dinner

(First post here so I hope this one lands!)

A small Catholic church in Kalamazoo is going to be graced with the Pope's presence. To honor his visit, they decide it would be a good idea to cook him a nice fresh fish dinner. The Priest and the Bishop are out fishing for a while until the Bishop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey and Minnie Mouse Are in Divorce Court

The Divorce Court Judge has just finished reviewing Mickey's petition for divorce when he says to Mickey, "Now let me get this straight, you say you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she's crazy?".

Mickey, visibly upset and very emotional responds to the judge: "No, No, No Your Honor. I d...

After Quasimodo's death…

…, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out for a hike one day...

A man climbed to the highest point in his town for some sightseeing.

As he appreciated the view through his binoculars, he looked down and gazed upon the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen sunbathing nude in the valley.

A park ranger appeared and immediately placed him under arrest....

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

Cigar

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

God and the Biker, I will grant you one wish...

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I  c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.



Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man goes to dinner at the GF's house for the first time after having had beans for lunch.

As they're sitting around the table, the father asks, while petting the family dog Rufus, what the young man's intentions are for his daughter. The young man starts to reply that his intentions are honorable and that he intends to be respectful, but he realizes that he's got a fart building, so he's...

Three Christian men from India died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The East Indian fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Sai...

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.

It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.

Little Johnny's school is having a day where they honor the military, and Johnny's class is going through a worksheet.

They go through the answers to the final question,

"What are things that a teacher and a soilder can say?"

The teacher picks Caitlyn first for an answer.

Caitlyn says, "Today, we are going to learn how to fly drones!"

The teacher responds, "Excellent! Drones allow soldie...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

In honor of those who have forgotten 4/20

Fret not, cause today is 420 too! Happy earth day

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. below 69?

Your Honor.

Onlyfans but it's a bunch of wholesome Vietnamese guys that you can take home to your parents and bring honor to us all.

It's called: OnlyPhans

Lawyer: Your honor, my client is trapped in a penny

Judge: What?

Lawyer: he's in a cent!

The beaver says "I didn't build that, Your Honor."

The judge points at the picture of the pile of logs in the river and says "we have damming evidence against you"

I'll see myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into an unintelligible stupor.

Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.

In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page

A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?

Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.

In honor of the father of fractals’ 96th birthday: What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot’s name stand for?

It stands for Benoit B. Mandelbrot

In honor of Trump's last night as president, tonight I'll be making...

Lame Duck A L'Orange, and for dessert, ImPEACHment Cobbler.

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Golfer's Dilemma

You're playing in your club championship. The final round is just you and one other guy, match play. One the 18th tee you're up 1 with honors. You smack your drive straight down the middle; the best drive you've hit all day. Your opponent steps up and hooks one into the woods.



You do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Terry Jones and his passing, he is my favorite Monty Python joke

Drinking American beer is like having sex in a canoe. Its fucking close to water

A knight errant one day came across a damsel in the forest outside the Shire. “Fair lady, I offer you my honor,” he said. She replied “Good knight, I honor your offer.”

And that’s how it was, all night long: off her and on her, on her and off her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

What’s the difference between a maid of honor and a maid’s honor?

About seven beers.

Did you hear about a Canadian honor roll student?

He gets straight eh's

In honor of Father's day, a dad joke

There is a rumor that a movie about a 17th century classical composers will be made. It will even star Arnold Schwarzenegger among others.


He'll be Bach

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is being honored at his retirement dinner...

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

A bride gets drunk at her reception and wakes up with a hangover, unable to remember anything she did at the reception. She asks her maid of honor what happened.

"Your groom and I got drunk and started dancing together," says the maid of honor. "Then you got drunk, and the alcohol must have made you so aggressive that when you saw us dancing, you kicked him in the balls."

"Ouch!" says the bride. "That must have hurt."

"It sure did!" says the ma...

A man in rural Arkansas is brought before a judge for his prelimnary hearing.

"What is the charge, counsel?" The judge asks.

"Bigotry, your honor," the prosecutor replies. "This man has three wives."

"You idiot," the judge says. "That ain't bigotry, it's trigonometry."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't follow a fox!

A lion is walking with his lioness in the woods, when suddenly a redfox appears out of no where and starts yelling at the lion calling him all names, the lioness turns to the lion and says : defend yourself! he is baffling your honor! to what the lion calmly responded : he is a little basted, beside...

A church joke in honor of Sunday

In the middle of a sermon, a man in the congregation got up and walked outside.

The wife went running up to the pastor after the sermon to apologize for her husband's rude behavior.

The pastor thanked her for the apology and said he had noticed her husband's strange behavior and was wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (1 of 2)

What is James Bond's favorite time to tune into Wimbledon?

Tennish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

In honor of the spooky season, what do you call a compressed pumpkin?

A squash :3

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.


The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentence...

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

In honor of the OU/Texas A&M game....

Bubba Jenkins had been attending A&M for 8 years without graduating. Finally, the faculty breaks down and agrees that if he can answer one math question, they'd allow him to graduate. The entire student body is gathered in the auditorium. A professor asks, "Bubba, what is 7 times 7?"

He t...

To Honor Congressman Louie Gohmert. Texas Aggie

Dude graduates from Texas A&M school of Agriculture, goes into a farm supply store and orders two hundred chicks, explaining to the owner that he wants to start a chicken farm. Two weeks later, he returns to the store and buys another two hundred chicks. The owner is curious, but doesn't s...

Honor

She offered her honor. He honored her offer. So all night long it was honor, offer, honor, offer, honor...

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

He Does What???

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of the Granville Christian Church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope ...

in honor of 35 years this month,joke told in cieling of the movie The breakfast club.

A naked woman walks into a bar with a parrot on her shoulder, bartender says hey nice pig...It' not a pig the woman says back...Bartender answers...I was talking to the parrot.

Ceiling oops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Married Life

Bill and Lynn had married under rather unfortunate circumstances, and their married life hadn't been anything to brag about either. To everyone's amazement, after living together for 35 years, Bill went to the local judge to ask for an annulment. A date for the hearing was set, and when the time cam...

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman wh...

In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place???

Extra terrestrials

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reddit is releasing its own brand of olive oil in honor of its users

It only comes in extra virgin

Your Honor, I'm dyslexic

I couldn't possibly finish my sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.

As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.

On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather d...

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

Why are lions more honorable than tigers?

A lion wouldn't cheat on his mate, but a Tiger Wood.

Important Lesson

A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy Father and thy Mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat, one lit...

In the army they taught us to treat our women with duty and honor

But never get duty honor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Virgin Mary, a priest names his dog "Virgin"

One day during mass a woman tries to enter the church and the dog followed her.


The priest saw the dog and yelled: "Out, Virgin! Out!"



The woman then gets out and leaves.


Then a man tries to enter and the dog followed him as well.


The priest once again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Best Man at a wedding

Notices that the groom is incredibly happy. “I know that you are happy for your wedding day, but you seem incredibly ecstatic. Why?”


“My bride to be just snuck into my room while I was getting into my tux, and she gave me the most incredible blow job. I am about to marry the most amazing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

The show "COPS" is no longer filmed

honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fon...

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Honorable discharge

Three long-time servicemen are about to retire, and they are told that as a reward for many years of great service, they're are going to be given an amount of money equal to the distance between any two points on their body, in inches, times a thousand.

The colonel, being a tall man, picks t...

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

Bill Cosby

University of Michigan is pleased to announce a gift from the Cosby family for the new school to be names in his honor.

The Sleep Studies Center for women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you ...

I can’t stand Honors college kids. I asked this girl “hey, why aren’t koalas considered to be bears?”

And she said, “they’re marsupials.”

Shut up, nerd. The answer to the joke is they don’t have the koalafications.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

Here's my favorite pirate joke:

When I was 17, I went on a class trip to a beach but I snuck away to explore on my own. I went into this bar. It had nautical stuff on the wall, a bunch of shark jaws, but also streamers and balloons about the place. It looked like there was a party going on. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of one of the Super Bowl commercials...

So a guy goes to the doctor because his penis is bright orange.

The doctor examines him and says, "I've never seen anything like this before. Are you under a lot of stress at work?"

The guy says, "No."

The doctor says, "If you don't mind my asking, what do you do for a living?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was taken to court by several people for spreading scandalous rumors about their sex lives

The judge asked the man, "Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Well your honor," responded the man. "I grew up on a very small land mass in the ocean and its just a part of our culture."

Not satisfied, the judge asked, "What culture could you possibly belong to that would lea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do?

Because **fuck u**, that's why!

Your Honor

I once went golfing. I couldn't even get par in a single hole, until I found this magical frog! It was sparkly, and when I picked it up, I felt a warm spike through my spine. All of a sudden, I hole-in-oned the rest of the holes. It was a lucky frog. It spoke to me, and said, "Go gamble!" Luckily, I...

In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender:

Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.