Your honor, if you truly are what you eat

Then I am an innocent man

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.

After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.

At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower s...

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse we’re getting a divorce. The judge asked Mickey, “Let me get this straight, you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s crazy?” “No, your honor,” he says.

“I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy.”

What did Kyle Carpenter say to Obama while receiving the Medal of Honor?

edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.



“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”



“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”



“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

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(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial.

Me: I know. I just want it on the record.

In honor of international women's day....

Why are women like a hurricane?



at first they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house.

In honor of St. Paddy

An Irishman who had a little **too much to drink** Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A **cop pulls him over**.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "**Where have ya been?"**
" Why, I've been **to the pub of course*...

When it comes to women, I always go by the honor system.

If you can't come in her, come on her.

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

I was going to bake a pie in honor of today.

But it would be irrational.

She offered her honor.

He honored her offer.

And all through the night,

He was on her and off her.

But your honor, I didn't mean to hurt anyone when I was playing with fire.

I was just arson around!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Charles Dickens...

I am also going to be poor this Christmas

In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fon...

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Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

In honor of Stan Lee, my one and only Stan Lee joke.

Did you know that Stan Lee original wrote Tony Stark to be FEmale?

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into a blithering, unintelligible stupor.

Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.

As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.

On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather dru...

In honor of Intl Talk Like A Pirate Day: a pirate joke megathread

To start:


Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger flag on the cheap?

A: He bought it on sail.

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

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In honor of Fathers Day, my dad's favorite joke

An Indian goes to the dentist to get a root canal. The dentist asks if the Indian would like any gas.

"No." reply's the Indian. "This will be nothing. I have already felt the worst pain possible and survived."

So the dentist performs the whole procedure without any gas or pain killer...

Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...

Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire al...

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender:

Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Mother's Day, why do doctors whack newborn babies on the butt?

To knock the weenies off the smart ones!

Here's looking at you Mom, from the only gurl of four.

no further questions, your honor

Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?

Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.

In honor of Valentine’s : What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee

And surrender.

In honor of holocaust rememberance day

I told god a holocaust joke.

He didn’t get it.

I said “I guess you had to be there.”

Why do pirates never make honor roll?

They only get high C's.

In honor of St Patrick's Day being a warm day,

In honor of St Patrick's Day being a warm day, I plan on having a beer outside sitting on our Paddy O'Furniture.

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

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In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do?

Because **fuck u**, that's why!

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "...

What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up?

A baby shower

In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . .

. . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head.

In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination

I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.

In honor of the BYU/Utah game tomorrow

Why can't the University of Utah do the nativity scene?

Because they can't find 3 wise men or a virign.

In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table?

Sir Cumference

[In honor of Leonard Nimoy] How many ears does Spock have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask...

Three ducks went to court after being arrested

When the judge calls upon the first duck, he asks him, "what's your name?"

The duck responds, "Quack."

And what did you get arrested for?

The duck says, "I got arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."
And he goes on his way.

The judge calls upon the second duck, an...

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eat...

In honor of Cinco De Mayo - Why do Mexicans cross the border two at a time?

Because the signs say "No Trespassing".

In honor of the 30 year anniversary of the Challenger explosion. What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

I fought for the honor of a woman

but she won

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

In honor of International Women's Day, I'm offering

free breast exams in my hotel room tonight!

In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008.

What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?

She will file for divorce.

And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?

He'll have the White House repainted.

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Veterans day I give you this..

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the
General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of National Limerick day (U.S.)

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who had a cock so big he could suck it

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a pussy I'd fuck it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My classic blasphemy joke in honor of the occasion...

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.

"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"

- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before

They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win...

It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.

In honor of HRH on her birthday

A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does.

"I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies.

"Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep a...

How do single people honor valentine's day?

By Celibating!

In honor of today's date (May the 4th be with you) I came up with a Star Wars joke

Did you hear about the new Jedi beer?

It's Force Ale.

Did you hear about the commemorative gun they're making in honor of the democrat party and president Obama?

It's called the union worker
You'll over pay
It never works
And you can't fire it

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Angela Merkel invites to dinnerparty after G20 summit.

So, true story that has been leaked here in Germany, after the last G20 summit in Hamburg, Merkel invited all the leaders to a dinner party:

Sitting at the table Trump and Putin took a seat next to her, left and right. She notices the federal republic did not spare expenses and served dishes ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

I hadn't spoken like a pirate all day, but I work in the ER for mental health and thought it appropriate today to tell the following joke. (An old one of some of you, I'm sure.)





A pirate walks into a bar with nothing but a steering wheel on his dick. The bartender asks,
...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

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In honor of the 139th Anniversary of Custer at Little Big Horn

The leaders of New Rumley, Ohio wanted to have a mural painted for General Custer, who was born there in 1839. They looked everywhere for an artist. Finally, they found an amazing artist with a wonderful new style from (insert country that doesn't speak English here). The only problem was that he...

A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom being afraid of their wives.

He wanted to find a man who wasn't afraid of his wife and give him public honors and lavish him with gifts so other men may follow suit.

After some brainstorming in the court the king announced to his subjects that " if a man comes forward and publically say that he is NOT AFRAID of his wife...

In honor of September 19th, what are your best pirate jokes?

September 19th is international talk like a pirate day, and I would love to hear all of your guys best pirate jokes. Here is mine:

Why do pirates have trouble learning the alphabet?
Because they spend years at Sea!

Last week I fought for a woman's honor

Apparently she wanted to keep it.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

In honor of Leif Erikson Day...

Leif Erikson returned to his village after many years sailing the ocean and discovering new lands. When he arrived home, he noticed his name was no longer in the town records. Puzzled, he visited the census-taker to inquire about the error.

"I've been a dedicated member of this community for ...

But, your honor...

she told me she shaved it!

In honor of my cakeday...

Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?

"What's eating you?"


Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling crumby!

Stolen From Another Reddit (I Think) In Honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day

There once was a pirate (the story relates)

who thought he could rhumba on skates.

He fell on his cutlass

which rendered him nutless

and virtually useless on dates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.

The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"

The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death wi...

In honor of Lent . . .

It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's...

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