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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

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Mickey and Minnie Mouse we’re getting a divorce. The judge asked Mickey, “Let me get this straight, you’re divorcing Minnie because she’s crazy?” “No, your honor,” he says.

“I’m divorcing her because she’s fucking Goofy.”

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.

After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.

At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower s...

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

In honor of St. Paddy

An Irishman who had a little **too much to drink** Is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A **cop pulls him over**.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "**Where have ya been?"**
" Why, I've been **to the pub of course*...

In honor of international women's day....

Why are women like a hurricane?

​

at first they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take your house.

When it comes to women, I always go by the honor system.

If you can't come in her, come on her.

Today we honor a patron saint by drinking ourselves into a blithering, unintelligible stupor.

Or as the Irish call it...breakfast.

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(At Court) Me: Your honor, I was having sex between 10 am and 11 am.

Judge: Who the hell are you? You’re not even in this trial.

Me: I know, I just want it on the record.

I was going to bake a pie in honor of today.

But it would be irrational.

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

But your honor, I didn't mean to hurt anyone when I was playing with fire.

I was just arson around!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of Charles Dickens...

I am also going to be poor this Christmas

In honor of Stan Lee, my one and only Stan Lee joke.

Did you know that Stan Lee original wrote Tony Stark to be FEmale?

In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke

Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."

She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"

He says, "Absolutely. But just so you know, it's pronounced 'Fon...

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Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

In honor of Intl Talk Like A Pirate Day: a pirate joke megathread

To start:


Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger flag on the cheap?

A: He bought it on sail.

Your honor, I have one last thing to say:

If you are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

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A man is getting married, and decides to get a tattoo to honor his bride to be

He wants to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When he goes to get it done, he finds out that it has to be hard.

As a result, his flaccid penis just says WY.

On their honey moon in jamaica, this man finds himself in the bathroom at a bar next to the local bartender. Rather dru...

She offered her honor.

He honored her offer.

And all through the night,

He was on her and off her.

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire al...

'Of course I won't laugh,' said the nurse.

'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Dave, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself,...

Your Honor, here’s a penny with Abraham Lincoln’s face on it.

This shows I’m in-no-cent.

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In honor of Fathers Day, my dad's favorite joke

An Indian goes to the dentist to get a root canal. The dentist asks if the Indian would like any gas.

"No." reply's the Indian. "This will be nothing. I have already felt the worst pain possible and survived."

So the dentist performs the whole procedure without any gas or pain killer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Your Honor... this is why the child should be mine...

Husband: Your honor, when you put a penny in a gumball machine, who gets the gumball?

Why do pirates never make honor roll?

They only get high C's.

There once was a famous fighter, anointed by the king in ancient france. After his death, all other knights swore to carry on his battle tactics, named after him in his honor, for all wars to come.

His name was Sir Render.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Dog Named Sex.

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one too!"

Then, I said, "B...

In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender:

Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?

In honor of Valentine’s : What’s better than roses on your piano?

Tulips on your organ.

In honor of endangered species, portions of the proceeds from each gilded comment will go to Tempura House...

...a home for battered shrimp.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

White Nationalist should honor the true legacy Robert E. Lee

And surrender.

In honor of holocaust rememberance day

I told god a holocaust joke.

He didn’t get it.

I said “I guess you had to be there.”

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

no further questions, your honor

Attorney: Why didn't you help, when this total stranger beat up your wife ?

Culprit: I thought, he would be able to do it alone.

In honor of the Powerball

A man comes home one day and says, "Guess what honey? Pack your bags, I won the lottery!" The wife squeals with delight and says, "That's great! Should I pack for the mountains or the beach?" He says, "I don't care, just get out!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of my dad, who passed away on Wednesday...here is his favorite joke.

Man finds the magic mirror (from Snow White) and gets excited to have his wish come true. So he chants: Magic Mirror on the Wall, make my penis touch the floor!

poof

His penis touches the floor.

His legs are also shorter. Way. Shorter.

What is one event the guest of honor is not expected to show up?

A baby shower

In honor of both Halloween and the release of documents on JFK's assassination

I decided to carve a pumpkin that looks like JFK's widow. It's my first Jackie O'Lantern.

In honor of the BYU/Utah game tomorrow

Why can't the University of Utah do the nativity scene?

Because they can't find 3 wise men or a virign.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do?

Because **fuck u**, that's why!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Russian communist is on his deathbed.

His friends are gathered around him all pensive and somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Vasya, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy." says Vasya.

The Com...

In honor of the Bowling Green Massacre, wear a green ribbon . . .

. . . or, perhaps more appropriately, some color you made up in your head.

Mole joke in honor of Mole Day!

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey!"

The...

Joke in honor of mole day

Three moles are going through the ground looking for food.
The first mole pops up out of the ground and sniffs around.
He says "hey guys I think were getting close I smell some syrup".
The next mole pops up and says "ya we must be a smell some syrup too".
The last mole pops up and says "...

I fought for the honor of a woman

but she won

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

[In honor of Leonard Nimoy] How many ears does Spock have?

Three. A left ear, a right ear, and a final frontier.

Old lady thief....

An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

During her court appearance the judge asked the lady "So tell me why did you steal the peaches?" to which the old lady replied, "Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat".

The judge then ask...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by bea...

In honor of the 30 year anniversary of the Challenger explosion. What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronauts

In honor of Cinco De Mayo - Why do Mexicans cross the border two at a time?

Because the signs say "No Trespassing".

A hot dog vendor brings a homeless man to court for standing near the stand and enjoying the smell of the meat as he ate his bread. The judge is quite exasperated.

Judge: [to the homeless man] Do you deny this?

Homeless man: No, your honor.

Judge: Do you have any coins?

Homeless man: Just a few quarters, your Honor.

Judge: Give them here.

Homeless man: Your Honor, they're all I have!

Judge: That may be so, but pl...

In honor of Pi Day: Who founded the round table?

Sir Cumference

"It was a misunderstanding, your honor" says a man who is in court for indecent exposure.

"Explain the statement," the judge demanded. "Well you see this girl and I were drinking at the bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman --- so I showed her"

- Got this one from my uncle, never heard it before

In honor of Throwback Thursday, here's a joke from 2008.

What will happen if Hillary Clinton becomes president?

She will file for divorce.

And what will happen if Barack Obama becomes president?

He'll have the White House repainted.

Isaac Newton in court

"He hit me equally as hard back your honor!"

They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win...

It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.

3 frogs get arrested

The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go.
The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was...

In honor of Easter.. I present to you a small joke.

Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

"See here, old fellow," said Jes...

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In honor of National Limerick day (U.S.)

There once was a man from Nantucket

Who had a cock so big he could suck it

He said with a grin

As he wiped off his chin

If my ear were a pussy I'd fuck it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of Veterans day I give you this..

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the
General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retri...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.

"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said.

"Very well, you may pass through the pearl...

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply cannot think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

Dear Son,

I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even a...

In honor of HRH on her birthday

A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does.

"I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies.

"Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep a...

My classic blasphemy joke in honor of the occasion...

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist walk into a bar.

He sits down and orders a drink.

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

In honor of today's date (May the 4th be with you) I came up with a Star Wars joke

Did you hear about the new Jedi beer?

It's Force Ale.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

I hadn't spoken like a pirate all day, but I work in the ER for mental health and thought it appropriate today to tell the following joke. (An old one of some of you, I'm sure.)





A pirate walks into a bar with nothing but a steering wheel on his dick. The bartender asks,
...

A long time ago, a young prince was married to a young princess, ending the feud between two warring kingdoms.

On their wedding night, the princess says to the prince, "I offer you my honor."
The prince replies, "I'm honored by your offer".

That's how it went all night- honor and offer, honor and offer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Honor Guard bagpiper

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got...

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to ea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.

The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on"

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of the 139th Anniversary of Custer at Little Big Horn

The leaders of New Rumley, Ohio wanted to have a mural painted for General Custer, who was born there in 1839. They looked everywhere for an artist. Finally, they found an amazing artist with a wonderful new style from (insert country that doesn't speak English here). The only problem was that he...

Last week I fought for a woman's honor

Apparently she wanted to keep it.

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

In honor of September 19th, what are your best pirate jokes?

September 19th is international talk like a pirate day, and I would love to hear all of your guys best pirate jokes. Here is mine:

Why do pirates have trouble learning the alphabet?
Because they spend years at Sea!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them...

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

In honor of Leif Erikson Day...

Leif Erikson returned to his village after many years sailing the ocean and discovering new lands. When he arrived home, he noticed his name was no longer in the town records. Puzzled, he visited the census-taker to inquire about the error.

"I've been a dedicated member of this community for ...

Sometimes self-care means cutting out toxic people.

If you ever met my conjoined twin, Your Honor, I think you'd understand.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

In honor of my cakeday...

Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?

"What's eating you?"


Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling crumby!

A Perilous Situation

A blonde and a redhead are hanging from a cliff by a rope. Things don't look good; the rope will surely snap from their combined weight. Unless one of them lets go, they'll both die. The redhead tells the blonde this. A tense silence falls over them. Finally, the redhead sighs.

"I never thoug...

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman i...