Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

Whoever stole my furniture polish, rest assured this isn’t over. I will find you.

That’s my pledge.

In response to his ex-wife taking The Giving Pledge, Jeff Bezos announced he is giving three quarters of his fortune to charity.

Twenty five cents now and fifty cents over the next four years.

The Indian pledge starts as "All Indians are my brothers and sisters."

Funny how India and Alabama have so much in common.

When my son learned about prime numbers, he told me that the Pledge of Allegiance would be better if we added three more states

Because 53 is indivisible.

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

Just before bed I take a dose of yeast with some Lemon Pledge.

It helps me rise and shine in the morning.

Three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled ...

If Donald Trump becomes president, he pledges to prohibit the sales of pre-grated cheese....

Apparently it's in a bid to make America grate again!



(*I'm sorry i'll leave now*)

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

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Heaven or Hell?

A man died and later woke up in a large, sparse room. He looked around to see if he was in heaven or hell, but there were not many clues. The only things in the room were a TV, a sofa, and another man sitting on the sofa and watching something on the TV. He walked over, said hello, and asked "Is thi...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

The easiest thing I’ve done all day

I was in chemistry class, and was having problem with one of the questions, so I asked the girl next to me. She was very rude about it and after she finished the problem she said with an attitude, “There, that was the easiest thing I’ve done all day.” I brush it off and move on. Then, as it’s time ...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptatio...

An old die-hard communist is on his deathbed

and he asks for a priest.

He wants to accept all the sacraments and become a full pledged Christian.

The priest is happy to oblige of course, but in the end he can't help to say: "So, when things finally got serious, you suddenly came to your senses, huh?"

"Yeah well, since I'm...

The minister needed money.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute...

Abe and Esther go on an anniversary.

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency l...

It’s the first day for a fraternity...

It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollar...

Engineering

A doctor, a priest, and an engineer are out golfing one day. To their dismay, they are stuck behind a very very slow threesome of men who cannot hit the ball in the right direction no matter what they do. The doctor flags over the course owner and asks him why these guys are so terrible, and if it w...

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the Steel Guitar Network - Church Bulletin Bloopers

Church Ladies With typewriters ...

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
____________________________________________...

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