Roast Jokes

You make fun of their shoes

It was an old family recipe.

Anyone can roast beef.

Freshly roasted

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

She’s been roasted enough

He came upon a parrot that caught his interest. The bird's nametag read "Chet". The shop owner showed him a cool trick the bird was able to do.

"If you take a lighter to his left foot, he will sing a Christmas carol," he said handing him a lighter.

So the man lit a flame under his left... read more

It was ok, but I got gravy on my shoes.

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

Once he gets to the store the shopkeeper shows him the usual puppies, kittens and fish. But the man says, "These are all nice, but I want something special for my son."

"Well then," replies the owner, "Do I have the pet for you. Here is a parrot that sings holiday classics."

"How do I... read more

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.  


Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. 


She was hungry, so I brought her home ... read more

Only Thyme

The shop owner tells him that he’s in luck and a rare singing parrot just came in. He explains that the parrot is trained to sing when exposed to heat. The shop owner then flicks a lighter and puts the flame underneath the bird’s left foot. The parrot begins to sing: “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jin... read more

So this guy in a sports car is driving down an old country road. He looks over and there is a Rooster running right along side him. In his disbelief he looks at the speedometer...15mph.

So he speeds up to 25 and the Rooster speeds up. Next he realizes that the Rooster is speeding up and he al... read more

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari... read more

Because her father got roasted.

So it's rare when she eats it, and when she eats it, it's rare

Chuck roast.

I told it that it was so ugly it could be a Turkey, and that it laid horrible eggs.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely... read more

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece
... read more

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

I said platics don't roast they melt.

“I’m scared” I replied

“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

Pls don’t roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

...It's a Chuck Roast

She’s all about that baste.

Oops, wrong sub.

Bieberqueue.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt... read more

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

They’re used to getting roasted.

The roast is better off without Brussels.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro... read more

What do you call a group of nudists around a fire?

.

A Weenie Roast

I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*... read more

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and th... read more

Didn't taste so good.

Me: Barista, can I have your mildest roast?


Barista: You have medium sized ears.

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the... read more

One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "Kinda dry. I think we roasted him too long."

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What ... read more

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoe... read more

"Dad, I don't want to go to school

today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

\-"Well, one of the chickens on the

school farm died last week and we had

chicken soup for lunch the next day.

Then three days ago one of the pigs

died and we had roast pork the<... read more

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ... read more

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.