UPJOKE
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Difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

During a history-themed comedy roast night, we couldn't decide whether to roast each other as ancient Roman gods or ancient Egyptian gods.

In the end, we agreed to diss a Greek.

I got booked to perform on a roast

It was ok, but I got gravy on my shoes.

How do you roast a cobbler?

You make fun of their shoes

I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.

I told it that it was so ugly it could be a Turkey, and that it laid horrible eggs.

Kylie Jenner asked me to roast her.

I said platics don't roast they melt.

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife w...

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

"Doctor, doctor!"

"I've roast beef in one ear, Yorkshire pudding in the other ear and gravy all down my legs!"

Doctor: "Hmmm. I don't think you're eating properly."

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

I have a friend who seldom eats roast beef because she feels it's not cooked long enough

So it's rare when she eats it, and when she eats it, it's rare

I like my coffee the way I like Elon Musk

Freshly roasted

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

A Jew, an Hindu and Karen survive a plane crash in the woods

They walk together trough the woods throughout the day and into the night looking for help.

At last, they find a little wooden house with a lit window and a barn next to it.

The Jewish man says:

"Finally, someone who can help us! Let's ask the owner if we can stay the night and ...

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.  


Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. 


She was hungry, so I brought her home ...

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The man who invented autocorrect has died.

May he roast in piss.

Roasted this kid in my class today

Didn't taste so good.

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's ...

Roast

Me: Barista, can I have your mildest roast?


Barista: You have medium sized ears.

A roast beef walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Hey! Get the hell out of here! We don't serve food here"

They should roast Tom Cruise sometime...

Call it the Cruise-ifixion

Turtle Prize

A hard drinker walks into local bar and sees three darts laying across the bartop. "Hey, bartender!" The drunk slurs. "Whas with th- these darts?" "Oh", the bartender says. "It's a new promotion we're running. Whoever gets three bullseye's in a row wins a prize."

The drunk stands up, swaying...

How do you get Asperger’s?

Grind up a rump roast.

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The corn drenched in Butter

There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.
Luckily, they found a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and somet...

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

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An old joke my dad told me

A man and a woman, along with their six children, live together on a farm, raising chickens and other animals. Once a week, they slaughter one of the older chickens, and roast it for dinner. However, the family always fight over who gets to have a leg off the chicken, with only two of the eight fami...

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