UPJOKE
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How do you roast a cobbler?

You make fun of their shoes

Did you hear about that cannibal who was arrested for making a pot roast outta their great-grandmother?

It was an old family recipe.

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There were three young men who got lost on a mountain hike in the night.

The snow was raging, and all three were freezing and starving, desperate for shelter and food.

Fortunately, they encountered a house in the woods. They knocked on the door, hoping to get a place to sleep for the night and something to eat.

An old, hideosly ugly woman opened the door. H...

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

I like my coffee the way I like Elon Musk

Freshly roasted

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

The internet should take it easy on Maegan Hall

She’s been roasted enough

A man walked into a pet store looking to adopt an animal.

He came upon a parrot that caught his interest. The bird's nametag read "Chet". The shop owner showed him a cool trick the bird was able to do.

"If you take a lighter to his left foot, he will sing a Christmas carol," he said handing him a lighter.

So the man lit a flame under his left...

I got booked to perform on a roast

It was ok, but I got gravy on my shoes.

A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...

I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.

In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!

A man goes to buy his kid a pet for Christmas.

Once he gets to the store the shopkeeper shows him the usual puppies, kittens and fish. But the man says, "These are all nice, but I want something special for my son."

"Well then," replies the owner, "Do I have the pet for you. Here is a parrot that sings holiday classics."

"How do I...

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.  


Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. 


She was hungry, so I brought her home ...

What does Enya season her Roast Potatoes with?

Only Thyme

A guy walks into a pet shop looking to get his girl a bird for Christmas.

The shop owner tells him that he’s in luck and a rare singing parrot just came in. He explains that the parrot is trained to sing when exposed to heat. The shop owner then flicks a lighter and puts the flame underneath the bird’s left foot. The parrot begins to sing: “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jin...

chicken with 3 legs

So this guy in a sports car is driving down an old country road. He looks over and there is a Rooster running right along side him. In his disbelief he looks at the speedometer...15mph.

So he speeds up to 25 and the Rooster speeds up. Next he realizes that the Rooster is speeding up and he al...

An anteater walks into a coffee bar ...

... where all the workers, naturally, are English majors and grads. "I'd like a cinnamon latte," he said, "where the cream balances the astringency of the dark roasted coffee beans and the grated spice adds a piquant warmth to the taste of the beverage."

"Why the long clause?" asked the bari...

Why does Miss Piggy hate comedy?

Because her father got roasted.

I have a friend who seldom eats roast beef because she feels it's not cooked long enough

So it's rare when she eats it, and when she eats it, it's rare

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.

I told it that it was so ugly it could be a Turkey, and that it laid horrible eggs.

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died

The Inventor of AutoCorrect died.

Condiments are roaring in.

* He will be mist
* He was a very general food man
* He was killed in four luggages
* He is in a wetter place
* Paying for his knife and Emily
* Send flours and dalmations to---
* May he roast in piece
...

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

Kylie Jenner asked me to roast her.

I said platics don't roast they melt.

Yesterday the doctor told me I had cancer…

“I’m scared” I replied

“Don’t worry” the doctor said. “It’s all in your head”

Pls don’t roast me too much for this one I think I made it up

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What's the difference between and Arby's roast beef sandwich and a vagina?

I expect there to be pubes on the sandwich

When a group gather to make fun of the Walker Texas Ranger...

...It's a Chuck Roast

Why does Meghan Trainor like to pour the meat juices over her roast during cooking?

She’s all about that baste.

TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?

Bieberqueue.

Putin dies and goes to hell.

He's met by the devil, who explains to him that he will be shown three different floors and he has to choose which one to spend eternity in.

The devil takes Putin to the first floor where everyone is standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Anytime someone started to tip or fall over, litt...

Roast beef and pork are both pulled from the oven

The pork says to the beef, "we meat again".

(Courtesy of my 8 year old)

Firefighters are the easiest people to make fun of:

They’re used to getting roasted.

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Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job?

You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks: “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”

The lawyer answers: “Absolutely.”

“Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast fro...

Nudist Joke

What do you call a group of nudists around a fire?

.

A Weenie Roast

My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party..

I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit)

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*...

The neighbors hate us.

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and th...

Roasted this kid in my class today

Didn't taste so good.

Roast

Me: Barista, can I have your mildest roast?


Barista: You have medium sized ears.

In Flames and Inflamed

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the...

Two cannibals are eating a comedian.

One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

The other replies, "Kinda dry. I think we roasted him too long."

One of my favorites

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What ...

A vow of silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.
One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoe...

I don't want to go to school

"Dad, I don't want to go to school

today." said the boy.

"Why not, son?"

\-"Well, one of the chickens on the

school farm died last week and we had

chicken soup for lunch the next day.

Then three days ago one of the pigs

died and we had roast pork the<...

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow...

He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

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