Me:"Hey girl are you a toaster?"

Her:"Why?"
Me:"Because i want to go to the bathtub with you."

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What do you get when you put exlax in the toaster?

Pooptarts!

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Broken Toaster

Toaster is broken and I'm pissed. I'm lack toast intolerant.

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.

My sister asked for a bath bomb for her birthday, so I gave her a toaster.

Same thing if you think about it.

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

Toasters...

were the first form of pop-up notifications.

My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch

I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.

Toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast.

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My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house?

I looked her dead in the eye and said, ‟the motherfucking decepticons”.She laguhed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof

I was shocked.

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

Y’know what would be confusing?

Finding out that your toaster is waterproof

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth - and won a toaster.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do

Good friends are like toasters...

If you throw them down the stairs, they probably won't make toast for you anymore.

My mother-in-law wouldn't stop suggesting

I buy her something 'for the bathroom' for her Christmas gift.

When she unwrapped the toaster I got her, she wasnt pleased.

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Two rocket scientists, Dave and Archie, are in the staff kitchen...

Dave is trying to get the toaster oven to work so he can toast their breakfast. Nothing seems to be working. He tried unplugging/replugging it. He tried cleaning it out.

After several minutes, a frustrated Archie finally speaks up.

"Figure it out, Dave!" he says. "It's not sex."

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

You know, something that really confused me

Was that my toaster was surprisingly waterproof

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

What do you call a rogue toaster?

A rebel appliance.

Two people are fighting over a toaster

One decides to end the argument and says “put a fork in it”

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

The man who invented toaster settings has died

He'll be cremated at 6.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

"I'M BREADY TO DIE"

What do my toaster and I have in common?

We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.

Two toasters are sitting on a counter. One toaster turns to the other and says, "Do you sometimes feel empty?"

To which the other toaster replies, "OH MY GOD! A talking toaster!"

The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike. [LONG]

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.

"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"

"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."

"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"

A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and "...

I went and tried to buy a toaster on the Dark Web

One of them was called the "Bath Bomb."

I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.

It was a shock to the cistern.

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend and re-wire the toaster.

She was shocked.

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

**Suitors:** [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

What does bread and a bath have in common?

Both can be improved with a toaster

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"The wife asked for 'bath stuff' for Christmas this year," he tells the bartender. "Don't know why she was pissed off when she unwrapped a toaster."

Birthday gift mother in law

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

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Sex is like a bath

It doesn’t end up well if you throw a toaster into it

A woman walks into a hardware store..

She asks the salesman " What's the price of this door hinge"

The salesman replies " Would you like a screw for the hinge."

The woman replies " No, but I'll blow you for the toaster in the corner."

My kid asked me what he should get his Mom (my ex) for Mother's Day. I said how about something she can use in the bath?

....like a toaster!

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