Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.

Hey girl, are you a toaster?

Cuz I wanna turn you on and put you in my bath.

It turns out my toaster isn’t waterproof

I was shocked.

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I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people

Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

The man who invented toaster settings has died

He'll be cremated at 6.

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

Good friends are like toasters...

If you throw them down the stairs, they probably won't make toast for you anymore.

And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall receive eternal life"

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Toasters...

were the first form of pop-up notifications.

What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

"I'M BREADY TO DIE"

What did the coffee maker say to the toaster?

You toast my buns, I’ll roast your beans

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

I went and tried to buy a toaster on the Dark Web

One of them was called the "Bath Bomb."

When my toaster broke, my wife left me.

I guess she was lack toast intolerant

Two toasters are sitting on a counter. One toaster turns to the other and says, "Do you sometimes feel empty?"

To which the other toaster replies, "OH MY GOD! A talking toaster!"

What do you call a rogue toaster?

A rebel appliance.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

Me [whispering]: don’t tell my wife I tried to make bacon in the toaster....

Wife [getting out of the car]: what the hell happened????????????........................
[all 6 firemen in unison]: he tried to make bacon in the toaster.....

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

What do my toaster and I have in common?

We both like to be in the same bathtub at the same time.

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

Two people are fighting over a toaster

One decides to end the argument and says “put a fork in it”

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"The wife asked for 'bath stuff' for Christmas this year," he tells the bartender. "Don't know why she was pissed off when she unwrapped a toaster."

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

**Suitors:** [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike. [LONG]

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.

"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"

"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."

"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"

A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and "...

My wife asked me why I had bought a gun.

I said: Decepticons!

My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time!

What does bread and a bath have in common?

Both can be improved with a toaster

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend and re-wire the toaster.

She was shocked.

what do you call a liberal humanitarian with a broken toaster

lack toast and tolerant

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.

It was a shock to the cistern.

A woman walks into a hardware store..

She asks the salesman " What's the price of this door hinge"

The salesman replies " Would you like a screw for the hinge."

The woman replies " No, but I'll blow you for the toaster in the corner."

Birthday gift mother in law

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

My brother got a Tesla

My brother picked up a Tesla a few months back and it spoiled him for other cars. So last night, I pick him up from the airport in my old Yaris.

After a few minutes of driving, he says, “We need to get you into something all-electric.”

Looking back, I reply, “Best I can afford is a bat...

Lord said to Jon "come fourth and receive the holy spirit"

...but John came in fifth and won a toaster.

P.S.- You thought that 'fourth' in the title was a typo, didn't you?

Transformers

Last night at midnight, my wife came downstairs into the kitchen where I was noisily going through the cupboards with one hand while in the other was my semi automatic pistol.
"What the hell are you doing" she demanded.
I glanced up at her and answered "Looking for Decepticons."
There was a...

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Sex is like a bath

It doesn’t end up well if you throw a toaster into it

Three guys were talking whose wife is stupid.

The first one said:"My wife bought more toaster, but we don't even have thelectricity at home."


The second one said: "My wife bought a washing machine, but we don't have water nor electricity at home."


The third one said: "Mine is even worse. A few days ago, she went out with h...

My kid asked me what he should get his Mom (my ex) for Mother's Day. I said how about something she can use in the bath?

....like a toaster!

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

My wife said she wanted new kitchen appliances or some new bath bombs for our anniversary.

I compromised and bought her a toaster.

My wife caught me in the kitchen with a gun

"What are you doing waving a gun around?" she asked
"Hunting Decepticons - they can be hiding anywhere!" I replied.
She started laughing, I started laughing, and then the toaster laughed so I shot it.

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A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

Went shopping at Macy's the other day

Salesman was very helpful. He carefully measured my inseam several times

I told him it wasn't necessary but he insisted

I almost just left but bought the toaster anyway

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

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