UPJOKE
ovenbreadtoastbagelcasseroleshortbreadbakemicrowavestovecrumbgriddlecookerrefrigeratorbiscuitfridge

Damn girl, are you a toaster?

Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.

My sister asked for a bath bomb for her birthday, so I gave her a toaster.

Same thing if you think about it.

Toasters...

were the first form of pop-up notifications.

When I found out my toaster was not waterproof...

I was SHOCKED

Good friends are like toasters...

If you throw them down the stairs, they probably won't make toast for you anymore.

What did one piece of toast say to the other piece of toast, inside the toaster?

It’s toasty in here!

I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.

I was making synonym toast.

And God said to John: "Come forth and receive eternal life".

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Broken Toaster

Toaster is broken and I'm pissed. I'm lack toast intolerant.

I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again

I think it might be comatoast.

The man who invented toaster settings has died.

He'll be cremated at 6.

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

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My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house?

I looked her dead in the eye and said, ‟the motherfucking decepticons”.She laguhed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

Why shouldn’t you put a toaster in the bathtub?

Because your toast will get soggy.

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sexually identify as a toaster

You put bread in me and it comes out brown.

My wife asked me why I carried a gun around the house…

I said “Transformers “

She laughed…

The toaster laughed…

I was surprised to learn the most common method of suicide in France was throwing a toaster in a bathtub filled with cheese enzymes.

It was quite a culture shock.

Me [whispering]: don’t tell my wife I tried to make bacon in the toaster....

Wife [getting out of the car]: what the hell happened????????????........................
[all 6 firemen in unison]: he tried to make bacon in the toaster.....

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster!

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

Two people are fighting over a toaster

One decides to end the argument and says “put a fork in it”

What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

"I'M BREADY TO DIE"

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Top ten places to put a toaster in your bathroom.

Number three will shock you!

What do you call a rogue toaster?

A rebel appliance.

I went and tried to buy a toaster on the Dark Web

One of them was called the "Bath Bomb."

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A man is sitting with his friend reading the newspaper.

He reads an article that the sex offender living in their city died in his bathtub. He reads this article out loud to his friend. Then he asks "I wonder what his last words were?"

His friend says "Hey, put down that toaster."

How do you make 50 toast at once with only one toaster?

Kick the toaster in a swimming pool.

Two toasters are sitting on a counter. One toaster turns to the other and says, "Do you sometimes feel empty?"

To which the other toaster replies, "OH MY GOD! A talking toaster!"

I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.

It was a shock to the cistern.

My mother-in-law just asked for "bath stuff" for her birthday

She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two rocket scientists, Dave and Archie, are in the staff kitchen...

Dave is trying to get the toaster oven to work so he can toast their breakfast. Nothing seems to be working. He tried unplugging/replugging it. He tried cleaning it out.

After several minutes, a frustrated Archie finally speaks up.

"Figure it out, Dave!" he says. "It's not sex."

What’s an Emo’s favourite type of bath Bomb?

A toaster

A man was making a robot out of whatever he could find

The head was an old toaster, the torso a series of welded wrenches and bolts, the arms and legs bits of rebar. It wasn’t pretty, so he gave it an ugly name: Brek.

The thing worked fine, but it wasn’t terribly balanced. The left hand was heavier than the other, so it always leaned to the left....

You know what would make your bad day even worse?

Finding out your toaster is water-proof.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue, I have a sideways toaster next to my name, Reddit you know what to do

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

They say guns dont kill people, people kill people.

does that mean toasters dont toast toast, toast toast toast?

I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend and re-wire the toaster.

She was shocked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold...

A guy walks into an appliance store...

Manager: Can I help you?

Guy: Yes. I'm looking for one of those bath bomb thingies that burns bread.

Manager: Do you mean a Toaster?

Guy: That's what they're called??

Wife asked me to get "bath stuff" for xmas.

Hope she likes her toaster.

i had a one night stand with a really wild girl

the next morning she made me french toast

she got her tongue caught in the toaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

My mother-in-law wouldn't stop suggesting

I buy her something 'for the bathroom' for her Christmas gift.

When she unwrapped the toaster I got her, she wasnt pleased.

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

I could tell that my parents hated me.

My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

You know, something that really confused me

Was that my toaster was surprisingly waterproof

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