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Cooked Jokes

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

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Went into a cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest sounding thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie.

"Excuse me, love." I said to the waitress, after my first bite. "This is cold."


"Well of course it is." She replied. "I live fucking miles away."

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

How does a cat like its steak cooked?

Medium RAWR!

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A waitress forgot to ask a customer how he wanted his steak cooked. She returns to the table and asks him. He replies, I like my steak like I like my sex!

So the waitress turns to the kitchen and shouts, "Very rare."

I cooked dinner last night.

It was gumbo I made with only sausage and okra. It wasn't good or bad .

It was meaty okra.

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How did the Vagina want her eggs cooked?

Ovaries-y

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What do you call an afterschool choir cooked in butter?

A Ghee Club.

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, “I like it Well Done.”

I said, “Thanks buddy. That means a lot.”

What's something that all cooked turkeys have?

They all have cavities and no teeth

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

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Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

How do Christians like their steaks cooked?

"Well-done, good and faithful steward..."

What do you call meat that is cooked more than 'well done'

Congratulations.


Not mine.. I saw it in some image posted a few weeks ago

So I was out having beers with the boys the other day . . .

The wife calls and says, "If you're not home in ten minutes I'm feeding the dinner I cooked to the dog!"

I was home in five minutes! I'd hate for anything to happen to that dog.

How does Lady Gaga like her steak cooked?

Rah, rah-ah-ah-ah

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

A raw chicken strip dreams of being cooked and enjoyed one day

Until then, it's just a pre-tender.

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

What do you call a mockingbird cooked in alcohol.

Tequila Mockingbird

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.

"What are these little round things", I asked.

"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.

"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked?

Me: Like winning an argument with
my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

I cooked Pancakes this morning.

The children were very upset. Turns out that Pancakes was their favorite rabbit.

TIL ramen is fully cooked before packaging

Otherwise it would be called rawmen

A family is eating ham for dinner.

The daughter notices that, every time she makes ham, she always cuts each end off.

She says, "Every time we have ham, you always cut each end off. Is there a reason you always cut the ends off?"

The mother responds, "It's something I learned from watching my mother."

The next da...

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

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A man walks into a brothel...

Which is well known for its good looking ladies and good food.
He walks up to the desk and slams £1000 on the counter "I'd like the toughest most over cooked steak you do and the ugliest girl you have for one hour. But she needs to tell me she has a headache and to do it myself" The madame looks ...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

I cooked and ate a rugby team

Tasted scrummy!

I have a friend who seldom eats roast beef because she feels it's not cooked long enough

So it's rare when she eats it, and when she eats it, it's rare

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake...

For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as thei...

My pickle order was totally under-cooked.

It was really a raw dill.

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So some jerks cooked and ate an Ewok.

It was a little Chewy.

What do you call a fish that's been pressure cooked ?

fishhhh...



fishhhh...



fishhhh...

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New camp cook joins a cattle drive..

Cowboys are all out herding the cattle. Cook sees an old sheep tied to the back of a wagon. Figures he can use it for dinner. Butchers and cooks up the sheep. Cowboys come back to camp hungry. As they are enjoying their meal, one of the cowboys looks around and can’t see the sheep. New camp coo...

What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

What do you call a fish that is pressure cooked ?

Fishhhhhhhh
Fisssssshhhhh
Fiisssshhhhhhhh
(Three whistles )

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