How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into the cafe for lunch today and ordered the nicest looking thing on the menu, home-cooked steak pie. After taking the first bite, I called the owner over. "This is cold!", I complained..

"Well of course it is." She replied, "I live fucking miles away."

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

How does Lady Gaga like her steak cooked?

Rah, rah-ah-ah-ah

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

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Me: What's it called when a steak is over cooked?

Dad: Well done, son

Me: I finally got you to say it, you son of a bitch

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg

So i cooked beef in it.

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

A man had been away from home for 3 days trying to hunt a deer.

Finally, he was able to shoot the largest deer he had ever seen.

He took it home and kept it a surprise from everybody else. He cooked it in the shed so that no one could see what it was.

When he brought the cooked deer to the table, his kids asked what it was.

"It's what your m...

I cooked for my girlfriend's parents for the first time

I cooked for my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I handed out the rarely cooked steak her father said, "I like it well done."



I said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

Whats the difference between a cooked sweet potato and a flying pig

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

You cant argue with people who like their beef well cooked

They are still chewing

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taliban commander called a meeting.

-Fellow taliban fighters! Are we a great nation?!
- YEEEES!
- How come we still don’t have a nuke?!
- well... that’s a shame commander! Let’s get one!!
So they got together, built a huge rocket out of tree, emptied some space in the middle using axes, cooked some uranium-235 using old Am...

Yesterday I attended a cannibal dinner where the food was cooked only on one side.

It was quite a half-assed BBQ.

What do you call a fish that's been pressure cooked ?

fishhhh...



fishhhh...



fishhhh...

Waiter: How do you like your steak cooked?

Me: Like winning an argument with
my wife.

Waiter: Rare it is.

What do you call a fish that is pressure cooked ?

Fishhhhhhhh
Fisssssshhhhh
Fiisssshhhhhhhh
(Three whistles )

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My husband has cooked me a lovely meal and bought some very nice wine. I'll bet he's after sex.

Well he can forget that. He's staying in with me.

I’m in Spain but the S and the I are silent

Seriously guys help, Im being cooked alive right at this very moment

My wife cooked me a beautiful Islamic dinner from the Middle Ages last night.

It was very Moorish.

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

The secret to making slow cooked chili is placing the bay leaf on top, not the bottom.

A good chili doesn't rest on its laurels.

Two Cannibals Are Having A Meal

Two cannibals are sitting down to have a meal of a recently cooked missionary. The first decided to start eating at the head and the second started at the feet.

First Cannibal: “How are you doing down there?”

Second Cannibal: “Oh, I’m having a ball!”

First Cannibal: “Woah! Slow...

TIL ramen is fully cooked before packaging

Otherwise it would be called rawmen

I hate being cooked alive.

It makes my blood boil.

I tried to make some slow cooked pork today

But I forgot to plug in the crock pot before I left for work.


It really sucked coming home to my wife giving me the cold shoulder.

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger

It was my cheeseburger.

Not too shabby...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

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A guy finally gets a date with an easy blonde...

To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood. He doesn't want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house and he treats her to a home-cooked dinner. Afterwards they go to the living room to watch ...

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