Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

A man has been stealing wheels of police cars

Police are working tirelessly to catch him

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My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear

I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

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The guests in my hotel are always stealing soaps, shower gels and shampoos from their rooms.

**Dirty bastards**!

What happened when the chicken was found stealing from work?

He was forced to tender his resignation.

A naked man was arrested after stealing a bicycle and riding away on it.

Police impounded the bicycle, but worry that the evidence is tainted.

My dad said he'll kick me out for stealing from his kitchen

Well that's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

I'm going to have a break from stealing snooker equipment....

but 1st I'm just going to take a rest

My dad was arrested for persistently stealing the equipment of beach lifeguards...

I blame myself that I didn't see it sooner; after all, the last time I'd gone to see him there were plenty of red flags...

I got caught stealing a killer whale made of mahogany.

That's orca wood.

My best friend went to prison because he kept stealing things from people's gardens. He was just released but my wife told me not to invite him to our BBQ next week.

I feel a bit bad. I hope he doesn't take a fence.

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

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I confessed to my therapist that I've been stealing other people's Bitcoin.

He says I'm his first cryptomaniac.

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My neighbor told me he’s close to figuring out who’s been stealing his clothes

I almost crapped his pants when he said that

Batman does not like stealing or cheating….

I’m pretty certain he also doesn’t like Robin

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

I’m a kleptomaniac with a proclivity for stealing strategy board games.

I like to take Risks.

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

Judge: "So, Mr Robot. Your neighbour accused you of stealing their electricity to power yourself. How do you pleade?"

Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

I was chased down by a cop for stealing. Then I hid in a outdoor bathtub and he never found me

I call that a clean getaway

I got caught stealing kitchen utensils from my friend’s house.

I guess it was a whisk I was willing to take.

A bunch of hooligans are smashing up my shop and stealing musical instruments

Damn luters!

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So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

I was on trial for stealing a man's luggage.

It was a briefcase.

How did the bald man live after he got caught stealing a wig?

He lived toupee.

Robin Hood's Successor

It had been many years since Robin Hood began his quest of "stealing from the rich and giving to the poor". By now he was growing old and tired, and wanted to find someone who could carry on his legacy and lead a new band of Merry Men.

He searched through many villages for someone he could de...

A Turkish farmer, Hodja, goes to the mill to get his wheat ground to flour. While he's waiting in line he starts dipping his hand into the sack of the man in front of him and moving handfulls of wheat to his own sack.

The man turns and catches him: "Hodja! What are you doing stealing my wheat!"

Hodja, embarrassed, starts rolling his eyes and jittering: "Huh? What? I don't even know what I'm doing because I'm just craaaaaazy!"

The man says "if you're so crazy, how come you're only putting my grain in...

I was awoken last night by a person stealing my gate.

I did not say anything in case they took a fence!

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

What do you call a headache caused my someone stealing your wheat

My-grain

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

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What's the difference between becoming a famous stand-up comedian by your own devices vs stealing your jokes?

One is luck n' fame, the other is fuckin' lame.

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?" The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?" The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?" The crying boy replied, "We're in tr...

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FUCK! I got caught stealing this iphone

Looks like I'm facing time

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

I have an addiction to stealing traffic signs.

But I can STOP whenever I want to.

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

Some guy has been stealing Iphones all over town, I hope they catch him.

He is going to face time soon.

Wanted: A man has been stealing toilet seats from all the police precincts.

Currently the police have nothing to go on

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

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Jhonny worked for the mafia and received a promotion...

...to be part of the Boss' security detail. He was assigned to patrol the interior of the Boss' house.

The Boss' daughter saw the fresh meat and wanted a piece of that. She called him into her room and they started to make out. Right when things were getting good the Boss entered the room and...

A man gets caught stealing supplies to build a fence, what is he charged with?

Criminal offences

People keep saying I suck at comedy because I keep stealing punchlines...

To get to the other side!

No stealing!!

So I saw a sweet little girl in the park selling cupcakes so I purchased one and as I savoured it's flavor I asked her," don't you ever get tempted to take one of them?" She looked at me in shock,"no! That would be stealing. I only lick them and put them right back."

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

a man has been stealing tires from the cops

I guess you could say the cops are tirelessly looking for him.

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The only app I want stealing my personal data is Pornhub.

Their 'recommended for you' section is always lit!

What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

If you have a Samsung Galaxy phone and you protect it from anyone stealing or damaging it...

That makes you a Guardian of the Galaxy.

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