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Stealing Jokes

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

What are you stealing?

I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!

After 20 years, the guar...

A British man, a French man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests...

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

Ohio is stealing my life story

A series of train wrecks in an already depressed area

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

Their words — not mine…

I almost got caught stealing a board game today...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take

I got arrested at Target for stealing a kitchen utensil once.

It was a whisk I was willing to take.

my friend was arrested for stealing luggage from airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour

It was a brief case

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar

they each got six months.

I'm so sorry....

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self.

Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

Stealing guitars

Judge: It appears you were caught stealing guitars. Are you a first offender?

Defendant: No, it was a Gibson, then a fender.

Why didn’t the ghost get arrested for stealing?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.

Did you hear about the man who was fired for Stealing potatoes?

He got the sack

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

It won't be easy to tell that I started stealing stuff I find on the street,

but there will be signs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To whoever keeps stealing the urine samples...

Can you please stop taking the piss.

I heard on the news that there is a guy stealing tires from police cars.

I understand the police are working tirelessly to solve the crime.

A barista was accused of stealing coffee beans by his boss.

However, when they looked into the case, they found that there were no grounds to press charges.

In other news..... Police arrested a musician for stealing

Police apprehended a musician for stealing the right half of the piano.

He was in treble.

I was proven not guilty for allegedly stealing kitchen utensils, mostly colanders.

There were too many holes in the evidence

A little old lady gets arrested for stealing a can of peaches from a grocery store.

At the trial, the judge asks her why she stole a can of peaches. She replies, "Your Honor, my husband and I don't have much, and we are very poor. I was simply trying to do something about my hunger."

The judge, feeling sorry for the old lady, asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates don't know I've been stealing all the soap for lube to masturbate with ...

But eventually I'm going to have to come clean.

Why was the thief unsuccessful in stealing some aluminium?

His plans were foiled

My roommate keeps stealing my food so I ground up Pepper and made cupcakes with it.

Pepper was a dumb thing to name his dog anyway.

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes

A food critic was stealing pie-making recipes in the guise of rating and reviewing pies from various bakeries.



She was Pie-rating.

After 19 days of stealing Putin's tanks.

Ukrainian farmers are now the fifth largest military in Europe.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

I told her that made me feel bad, really bad, like bad, so bad, not good, and just... bad.

She then apologized.

I was arrested for stealing board games, in my defence...

In life, you should take risks.

I wish people would stop jumping on James Corden for stealing Ricky Gervais' joke....

This could permanently damage his career, and we need to remember he's got a wife and three chins to support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

if I keep stealing kitchen utensils, I may be labeled a thief.

But it's a whisk I'm going to have to take.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

A repeat offender is in court for stealing a pair of shoes.

Judge: I'm very disappointed, because it was only two years ago that you were here for stealing a pair of shoes, and now here you are again for the same offence.

Defendant: You're right your Honour, they don't make shoes like they used to.

What did little Abdhul say to his Mom after he was caught stealing the second time?

"Look Ma, no hands!"

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

No stealing!!

So I saw a sweet little girl in the park selling cupcakes so I purchased one and as I savoured it's flavor I asked her," don't you ever get tempted to take one of them?" She looked at me in shock,"no! That would be stealing. I only lick them and put them right back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had no idea how serious stealing sheep in new zealand was.

Until i got charged for sex trafficing.

A boy asks his dad a question

A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"

The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."

I’ve been warned many times about the dangers of stealing kitchen utensils.

But that’s a wisk I’m willing to take

I was stealing kitchen utensils last night...

And I barely made it out without getting caught. But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

I've been stealing garden ornaments from my next door neighbour...

Who shall remain Gnomeless

I know a friend who keeps stealing board games...

He’s such a risk taker

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

Reasons for stealing

Pointing to the captured thief, the owner of the supermarket said to the policeman who came to investigate: "He stole the chocolate on the supermarket shelf and didn't pay the money, so I caught him."



The policeman asked the thief: "Why steal supermarket goods?"



The thi...

What happened when the chicken was found stealing from work?

He was forced to tender his resignation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear

I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

Batman does not like stealing or cheating….

I’m pretty certain he also doesn’t like Robin

I'm going to have a break from stealing snooker equipment....

but 1st I'm just going to take a rest

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a bad habit of stealing salt from my local deli...

For some reason, I loved putting the salt all over me, even sleeping in piles of it. I talked to a therapist about this problem, and he suggested the first step is confessing it to the store owners. I told them about what I've been doing every time I visit their shop and that seemed to do the trick....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbour asked if I had been stealing clothes off her washing line..

I nearly shit her pants

I love stealing but it gives me severe diarrhea.

So I take klepto bismol.

I got caught stealing a killer whale made of mahogany.

That's orca wood.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FUCK! I got caught stealing this iphone

Looks like I'm facing time

I have an addiction to stealing traffic signs.

But I can STOP whenever I want to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I confessed to my therapist that I've been stealing other people's Bitcoin.

He says I'm his first cryptomaniac.

I was surprised when I discovered my roommate was stealing from driving school

But to be honest I should have seen all the signs

Stealing mixers

I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work,



but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

A worker was suspected of stealing

Every day the security guys would check his wheelbarrow when he was leaving the factory site. They never found anything. It took them weeks to realize that he was stealing wheelbarrows.

A naked man was arrested after stealing a bicycle and riding away on it.

Police impounded the bicycle, but worry that the evidence is tainted.

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